


My Heart is Strong

by photographer_of_thoughts



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Isak, Boys Kissing, Bros being awesome, Damaged Isak, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Miscommunication, Oral Sex, Protective Even, Recovering Even, Recovery, Rimming, Schmoop, Slow Dancing, Smut, Texting, Therapy, Top Even
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-30
Updated: 2017-05-05
Packaged: 2018-09-20 20:41:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 93,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9513599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/photographer_of_thoughts/pseuds/photographer_of_thoughts
Summary: His bipolar disorder made him want everything to be a great tragedy, a Baz Luhrmann film; because how else did things have meaning? His brain told him that time and time again. He’d lost track of how many people he’d let go because he wanted to “lose them forever” and subsequently keep them forever; tucked away into the memory palace in his brain... But he didn’t want that anymore. As soon as he’d kissed Isak he knew he wanted to be better this time.Or, Isak and Even meet in a doctor's office waiting room.





	1. Fragile Ground

**Author's Note:**

> **Skam and characters do not belong to me. All fiction here.  
> **Somewhat changing POVs between Isak and Even throughout the chapters  
> 

It had been three days.

Isak hadn’t gone to school. He kind of couldn’t, considering his mom was on day three of a drinking binge that left her unable to sleep or eat or do anything except chug wine. Isak kept trying to make her sleep…if only she would sleep.

But she didn’t. She just got more and more drunk, yelling about the end of the world and how we would all die of our sins; perish tomorrow as the sun came down and engulfed the earth.

Isak was losing his mind.

**

Isak was getting desperate by the morning of the fourth day. He’d barely been able to close his own eyes and the lack of sleep was getting to him. He’d drank all the coffee in the house.

Jonas had been texting him, wondering anxiously where he was and why he wasn’t at school. But Isak had been ignoring it, hoping he’d just assume Isak was sick. Isak couldn’t quite remember how to text at this moment anyway.

“Isak! You will be cleansed of your sins! Purified by fire.” His mother was ranting, holding his face in her unsteady hands. “Do you know God lives in our basement? He’s just waiting for us. Let’s go.” She tried to pull him but she had no co-ordination at this point and she ended up just falling to the ground.

She hit her head on the tiled floor and the world was finally, blessedly silent.

Isak sat down at the kitchen table for a moment to breathe, and woke up to someone pushing his arm. He swatted them away, just wanting to rest for a goddamn second.

“Mamma, I need sleep too!” Isak wailed, looking up and expecting to see his mother’s shrunken, bleary-eyed face. But instead he saw Jonas.

“Isak…Isak! Listen to me. Can you hear me?” Jonas looked upset and appeared to be yelling, shaking Isak. That wasn’t helping matters or his disorientation. Everything seemed like a blur.

“Wanted to sleep.” Isak finally said. “It’s been four…four days…I…”

Jonas pulled Isak to his chest and _hello,_ awesome. Jonas was warm and comforting and Isak’s best friend. This was all he needed. Maybe a blanket and a horizontal surface and he would be set for life.

Jonas pulled him to his feet and was making him walk which was less good. But Isak trusted they’d be sitting down soon.

He fell asleep on Jonas’s chest the moment Jonas got him into the back of the ambulance.

**

_You don’t leave your sick wife with your seventeen year old son! What were you thinking? How could you do this to him? Do you even know what kind of shape he was found in? Do you have any clue?_

Isak woke up to someone angrily whispering, confusing the hell out of him. He didn’t recognize the voice or the ceiling he was staring up at, and could someone turn the fucking lights off because wow it was bright.

Without his permission, a wave of panic shot through him and made him sit up too quickly. He groaned with pain as his head ached, but he tried to push it aside. Fuck, he had to find his mom.

“Mamma? Mamma, where are you?” He said and if he was screaming he couldn’t tell. He tried to get up, walk around, go fucking home from wherever he was, but there were suddenly multiple pairs of hands on his shoulders, keeping him sitting.

“Isak, Isak, it’s okay. Breathe.” Someone said, but Isak couldn’t see faces right now. All he saw in his line of vision was red.

“Where is Mamma?!” Isak wailed, wishing he could see her face. Was she okay? How had he left her? Oh, God. She had fallen. She’d hit her head… and Isak hadn’t done anything. He’d fallen asleep. No, no, no, no…

“She can’t leave me! She can’t! Take me to her now!”

Isak’s world went black seconds later and sleep called his name once again. It was only later that it clued in someone had put a needle in his arm, calming his frenzied heart.

**

Two days later, Isak could see faces. He could understand what people were saying to him. He knew he was in a hospital, that Jonas had come and found him. He knew his mother was okay but he couldn’t see her. It was enough for now to know she was alive.

Isak’s lack of sleep – god, he really _hadn’t_ slept for four days – had brought on a slight psychosis, especially because he was under an incredible amount of stress. His body’s adrenaline levels were drastically high for days on end, making his brain shut down.

Isak was given a lot of other fancy medical terms for what happened, but he got the gist of it pretty easily. Things had been stressful. Now they weren’t. He figured he could go home now and try to forget everything. But the doctors wouldn’t let him leave yet.

He was still under observation. He had never rolled his eyes so much. They were literally watching him sit in a bed all day, watching TV and eating shitty hospital food. What else was there to observe?

“Your emotional state, Isak.” Doctor Big-Nose, as Isak had come to label him, explained the morning Isak asked this. “We want to make sure your adrenaline levels are normalized. Even though it has been days, your stress levels are still abnormally high.”

“So are everyone’s if you monitor them all day! Why don’t you monitor a pilot, or a teacher, or someone else who has a lot of stress in their day. I’m sure their adrenaline gets spiked constantly!”

Isak was yelling. It was a thing he did quite a lot now, and he could never stop it. It was like someone had turned up the volume on his speaking and he couldn’t turn it down.

Dr. Big-Nose knew this was a problem. Isak couldn’t function if he was yelling all day. He’d already managed to scare off Jonas and Magnus. They’d tried to come see him but all he did was shout, and they hadn’t come back.

His father hadn’t either.

“Let’s just give it a few more days, okay?” Dr. Big-Nose smiled, and Isak yelled out ‘fuck you’ into his pillow.

**

After another day of yelling, Isak’s body _finally_ relaxed. His muscles weren’t tensed anymore. He wasn’t grinding his teeth all day and night. He wasn’t yelling. He could actually whisper. Dr. Big-Nose looked like he was expecting this. Isak slept without meds being pumped into him and when he woke up after eleven hours straight, he finally felt like he was back. He was grounded again.

And holy fuck. He had been _gone._

“Your body can do some very weird things when it’s trying to protect itself, Isak. This is why you probably feel as if you’ve been “gone” or “offline” the past few days since you arrived. I know it’s scary to come out of, but you just have to take things slow.” Dr. Big-Nose explained, writing notes as Isak sat in an uncomfortable leather chair in his office.

Slow meant another week in the hospital. It meant no school, no friends, no anything. Just sleep and relaxing. Isak didn’t talk to anyone besides nurses and Dr. Big-Nose, who declared he could go home after nearly two weeks in the hospital.

Isak was waiting outside of Dr. Big-Nose’s office. He couldn’t leave yet without someone to take him home, so he was waiting on his father. Isak was distractedly typing a message to his friends when someone across the room from him chuckled. The sound was high and light and Isak missed being able to sound that laid back. He’d missed feeling normal so he automatically looked up, unable to help it.

He locked eyes with a tall, blonde-haired boy who was smiling at Isak; still lightly chuckling. Isak found himself smiling back before he could stop himself.

“Hey,” the boy said.

“Hi.” Isak replied, his voice high. That happened when he was nervous.

“Sorry. I was just reading this stupid meme about Donald Trump. Want to see?” The boy asked, already up from his spot and sitting down next to Isak a second later, showing Isak his phone.

The meme was funny and Isak full-on laughed; a sound he hadn’t heard himself make in almost a month. The boy wagged his eyebrows at Isak’s reaction.

“It’s great, eh?”

“Yeah. It’s pretty good.” Isak replied, smiling at the boy.

“So what’s a nice place like you doing in a boy like this?” The boy asked, shutting his phone off and putting it in his pocket.

Isak snorted. “Uh, I think you messed up that question.”

“Nah, I think you just heard wrong.” The boy teased, leaning his shoulder into Isak’s playfully. He winked at Isak and Isak felt something in his chest flutter.

“I…uh…” Isak cleared his throat, shaking his head. “I’m waiting for my dad.”

“Cool.” The boy nodded. “Going home?”

Isak nodded. “Yeah. Leaving the cuckoo’s nest. Finally.” He’d meant for the words to be light-hearted. He’d meant to try and make fun of what had happened to him, but the words only sounded harsh and they tasted like ash on his tongue.

The boy caught on and seemed to understand. “I get it. Been there. I’m Even by the way.” He held out his hand to Isak and Isak shook it.

“Isak.”

Even smiled and then looked away. Isak stared at him a moment longer than was probably appropriate and then averted his eyes, noticing that the waiting room was empty except for them.

“You…you go to Nissen?” Isak asked, trying to make conversation.

“No. Bakka.” Even said, looking back at Isak. “Third. You?”

“Second.” Isak replied. “Hopefully. I…missed a lot of school.” He admitted, unsure why. Something about Even made Isak feel like he could be honest; say what was on his mind.

“I’m sure you’ll be able to catch up, Isak.” Even said, an earnestness in his voice that made Isak shudder. His breath came out a bit faster as he stared into Even’s face and he realized suddenly how unprepared he was to go back to normal school.

He didn’t want to deal with all the judgement. The questions…the stares from his friends and strangers. God, this wasn’t going to be easy.

“Isak…hey, you with me? Take a deep breath.” Even said and Isak realized he was hyperventilating, gripping the chair he was sitting on tightly.

“Even…sorry…I…fuck.” Isak tried to say a sentence that actually made sense, but his brain was too busy apparently having a melt-down. Tears rushed into his eyes without his fucking permission and began to slide down his cheeks embarrassingly.

Isak was about to bolt. He didn’t want to make an even bigger ass of himself in front of this beautiful stranger. And wait, when did he start to think of Even as _beautiful_? It didn’t matter anyway because he was so out of here. He started to stand but Even’s arms wrapped around him before he could actually manage it, and then Isak was being kept in place by amazing warmth. Even squeezed him tight and placed Isak’s head on his shoulder, cradling him and shushing him like he was a baby.

It calmed Isak down in about three minutes.

“Breathe with me, Isak. Copy what I’m doing.” Even whispered, taking deep lungful’s of air into his chest and pushing it out slowly through the small ‘o’ of his lips. Isak mimicked him, watching Even’s mouth the whole time.

“There you go.” Even said, looking into Isak’s face; seeming to search for signs of Isak’s composure. He smiled and Isak felt weak again, but not from panic. He wanted Even to look at him like that every day.

Before Isak could fully process what he was doing, he tilted his face up and brought his mouth to Even’s, suddenly needing to know what that breath tasted like; map out Even’s mouth with his own. Even kissed back, bringing his hands up from Isak’s shoulders and waist to wrap in his hair and tug lightly.

Isak went crazy for it, his body in overdrive; not being touched for weeks on end could really do that to a person. His skin felt like it was alive again and he wanted to feel as much of Even as possible; he wanted to get lost in Even, in his taste and feel and _fuck._ Isak was already hard.

Even pulled away first, searching for Isak’s eyes and when Isak caught them he saw how blown Even’s pupils were; caught on to how hard he was breathing.

“Come with me.” Even said, suddenly pulling himself to his feet, disentangling his hold on Isak.

“What?” Isak asked, too confused to really object to being pulled to his feet and hauled out of the waiting room. Even practically dragged him into the nearest bathroom, just down the hall from Dr. Big-Nose’s waiting room and locked the door behind them.

“God, you’re so fucking hot Isak.” Even said, pushing Isak until his back hit the door and Even pressed himself again Isak’s front.

It felt too good to question it. Isak hadn’t really bothered to act on his feelings for other guys. He’d been too distracted making some kind of reputation for himself with girls, but he knew he didn’t want them. Somewhere deep down he knew he was gay, and how good it felt when Even latched his lips to Isak’s neck and sucked did nothing except prove how gay Isak actually was. Because holy goddamn.

Isak’s hands were trying to get to as much of Even’s naked skin as possible; so he pushed and pulled until he could feel Even’s stomach, shoving his hands further up to brush across his nipples. Even moaned for it, still sucking, and this time he moved his hands down until he cupped Isak’s ass, gripping the cheeks and aligning their groins together. The friction was fucking divine.

“Is this okay, Isak? Just tell me if it’s not.” Even whispered, finally bringing his mouth away from Isak’s skin.

“It’s good. Fuck, so good.” Isak replied instantly, latching his mouth onto Even’s again and grinding himself into the other boy. “Touch me, Even. Please, _please_.”

Even took that as full permission this time and reached to undo Isak’s jean button, opening his pants and pushing past his underwear. He wrapped his hand around Isak’s dick and stroked, fast and hard and Isak nearly wanted to cry at how amazing it felt. He let himself go, lost in sensation and Even’s kisses; his smell, his face, his…oh fuck.

Isak came quickly, spilling over Even’s hand like he was thirteen again and just discovering what his dick was for, but he couldn’t complain or even feel embarrassed. His body had been strung taut for too long and the release felt like nothing else in the world.

They were both breathing hard as Even stroked him slowly, helping him through the aftershocks as Isak moaned quietly into Even’s neck; the place his head had decided to fall after the most intense part of the orgasm had passed. Even nosed along the side of Isak’s jaw, a gesture that was so unbelievably comforting that this time Isak did let those tears fall; he did cry, but he was also smiling.

He didn’t recognize the feeling right away; why he felt so amazing in the closeness of Even’s space. But then it hit him. He felt like he wasn’t alone anymore. He didn’t feel like he was being swallowed by a black hole.

“Isak, shh, it’s okay.” Even whispered, reaching up with his clean hand to wipe the tears off Isak’s cheeks.

Isak laughed a little, knowing he needed – and holy hell, w _anted_ – to reciprocate right the hell now. “Sorry. Your turn now.” He said, nosing against Even one last time before bringing his hands down to Even’s button on his jeans, feeling the hardness there that was practically throbbing.

“Ung,” Even grumbled, breathing in as Isak got his hand around the other boy’s dick, stroking just as fast as Even had. “Yeah, Isak. _Fuck._ Just like that.”

If Isak didn’t know he was gay earlier, which let’s be honest, he kind of did – he sure as hell knew it now. He was getting turned on again just standing here stroking Even, loving every little sound Even was letting out; how he squirmed and pressed closer to Isak, kissing him anywhere he could reach.

And when Even came, Isak’s knees nearly gave out. Even clutched onto Isak as his body went tense, his mouth slightly open and panting; and Isak felt his fingers get more and more wet, Even thrusting his hips into Isak’s waiting hand. They both were making small, hurt noises and Isak couldn’t look away.

**

Ten minutes later they were both back in the waiting room, grinning at each other like loons. Even had his arm around Isak’s shoulders and Isak was pressed against him like they were lovers; the familiarity of the gesture suggesting they’d known each other for years and not less than an hour.

“Can I have your number?” Even asked, raising his eyebrows expectantly.

“Sure. Let me see your phone.”

Even unlocked his Iphone and then handed it to Isak, who added himself in Even’s contacts as Isak-the-hot-guy with the yellow heart beside the name. Even laughed when Isak handed the phone back. He opened his mouth to say more, but didn’t get a chance. Dr. Big-Nose opened the door and signalled for Isak to come inside.

“I’ll be right with you, Even.” Dr. Big-Nose said as Isak walked inside and Even nodded, throwing Isak a wink before the door closed. Isak sat down.

“Your father will be here momentarily.” His voice was cold and he didn’t make eye-contact. Isak missed Even’s kind eyes already.

“Okay.”

“I want you to come back to the hospital to do some therapy with me for at least a month, Isak. Two times a week. Mondays and Fridays after school.” The doctor said, not giving Isak a choice. Maybe therapy would be good anyway. He could handle a month.

“Okay.”

When Isak walked back out, Even walked in and their arms brushed. “See you, Isak.” Even said, smiling with his gorgeous eyes and Isak kind of melted. He smiled and gave a dorky wave and then he sat back down, watching the door close.

His father arrived moments later, not making excuses for where he had been or why he hadn’t come back to see Isak. He just picked up Isak’s suitcase – someone had brought it, Isak didn’t remember who – and helped Isak into their car.

As they drove, Isak thought of what his next words would be; how to convey them without showing just how angry he was at everything.

“I’m not living at home anymore.”

His father didn’t seem surprised. He gripped the steering wheel tighter and nodded, looking over at Isak when they reached a red light.

“Okay. I’ll give you rent money. Tell me when you have a roommate.”

**

“What do you mean…” Even began, but as usual he didn’t get to finish.

“You are not to see that boy anymore, do you understand me?” Dr. Henrick - or as Isak had fondly been referring to him lately - Dr. Big-Nose, said sternly.

“What?” Even asked, incredulous. “Why not?”

“Because he just went through hell and he doesn’t need you adding any more stress to his life.” Dr. Henrick said, not one to beat around the bush.

Even laughed but without humour. “You think I’d fuck him up? That I’d have a manic episode and what…trigger his issues?”

“That’s exactly what I think.”

“I’m taking my meds!” Even insisted. “And you can’t tell me who I can and cannot see. I don’t even know him anyway.”

“But you like him. I can tell. I can a _lways_ tell, Even.”

“Why do you think I’m going to ruin everything I touch?” Even snapped, coming towards his father. “Why do you care more about his issues than your own son’s?”

Dr. Henrick took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes, clearly not in the mood to deal with Even. “Because you don’t let yourself keep things, Even. Everything has to be a tragedy, an exaggerated romance. You make everything like those dramatic films you love. I’ve seen your boyfriends and girlfriends always get their hearts broken by you, and Isak does not need someone else to stamp on his heart. You don’t know his situation, how fragile the ground is that he’s walking on. He doesn’t need some whirlwind romance for a few weeks and then you leave him. He needs stability.”

Even could feel how red his face was, how angry he felt. But he also knew his father was right. His bipolar disorder made him want everything to be a great tragedy, a Baz Luhrmann film; because how else did things have meaning? His brain told him that time and time again. He’d lost track of how many people he’d let go because he wanted to “lose them forever” and subsequently keep them forever; tucked away into the memory palace in his brain. But now…the medication had taken that palace away. The meds made his brain think clearly even if some days he felt like he was walking through soup. And now he only thought of his relationships as pathetic things that he’d ruined. He knew he had hurt people, pushed them away; never let them close to him.

But he didn’t want that anymore. As soon as he’d kissed Isak he knew he wanted to be better this time. He wanted Isak to belong to him every day, all the time, and he wasn’t going to let go. It wasn’t enough to keep Isak among his shattered collection of ‘forevers.’

Isak was going to be his _now._ Because as Even had come to realize, life only happened now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to explore a bit with Isak's parents, especially his mom. I haven't seen previous seasons so I don't know if it's talked about; why she is "insane." So I made a thing up and here we are. Like I said though, it's an AU. :)  
> Comments always welcome and appreciated!


	2. No Place Else

Isak sat in his bedroom, hearing sounds of his father shuffling around downstairs. They hadn’t spoken again since Isak told him he wanted to move out. That was yesterday, and this morning Isak was going back to school.

Even had sent him five text messages the previous night, but Isak didn’t know how to respond. He kept reading them, smiling to himself; trying to make himself get up out of bed so he wouldn’t be late. He was trying to make Even’s texts his motivation.

_19:32: Hey Isak-the-hot-guy ;)_

_19:49: It was nice meeting you today._

_20:15: Sorry if you’re sleeping. Just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you. Good luck at school tomorrow._

_21:54: I’m here if you want to talk._

_23:04: Goodnight, sweet boy._

What a fucking sap, Isak thought. He shut his phone off and sighed, knowing he had approximately five minutes before he would miss his bus and be late. He didn’t need that on top of everything else he was going to be dealing with today.

**

Isak managed to avoid talking to anyone until second period when Jonas basically catapulted himself into Isak, wrapping his arms around the taller boy. “Isak, Jesus Christ it’s good to see you.” Jonas whispered, squeezing the breath out of Isak’s lungs.

Isak hugged back, not one to turn down a hug from his best friend.

“Hey, Jonas.”

Jonas pulled away so he could look at Isak and then he smiled. Isak smiled back, suddenly disappointed by how little time he actually got to spend with Jonas one-on-one. It was nice seeing him without any of the other guys around.

“How…how are you?” Jonas asked tentatively, eyeing Isak up and down as if assessing him for injuries. Isak rolled his eyes.

“I’m _fine._ Lost my mind for a bit, but you know. I’m back now. It’s chill.”

Jonas swallowed hard then, any trace of a smile gone from his face. Isak’s heart leapt into his throat, knowing automatically that he’d said something wrong.

“Last time I saw you Isak…” Jonas shook his head, looking down. “You were anything but chill.”

Isak put a hand on Jonas’s shoulder; a pathetic attempt to comfort him. He realized then that he didn’t quite know the extent of what Jonas had gone through; what he had witnessed and done for Isak. A wave of guilt washed over Isak and he pulled Jonas into him again.

“I’m sorry, man.” Isak whispered, not really caring that they were being emotional as fuck in front of anyone who happened to walk by. “I’m sorry.”

Jonas sniffed and Isak knew he was trying not to cry. “I was worried about you.”

“I know. I know.” Isak replied, sighing deep; trying to calm his heart. “Thank you for…coming over. And finding me.”

Jonas nodded, pulling away slowly. Isak noticed that Jonas’s hands were resting on his waist and he wanted to laugh. There was a time not very long ago that Isak would have been internally freaking the fuck out about Jonas touching him in any way that wasn’t a quick pat on the back. This would have made sixteen year old Isak extremely giddy. Isak, who had been pathetically in love with his best friend; Jonas, who’d grown up rather fucking beautifully.

But Isak had let that go.

The bell rang obnoxiously loud and Isak knew he had to get to biology. “I’ll talk to you later, yeah? We’ll get a kebab. On me.” Isak offered, smiling slightly; wanting to see Jonas’s wonderful grin.

He wasn’t disappointed. “Okay.”

**

_13:18: Hey Isak. Me again._

Isak looked down at his phone, smiling to himself _again_. He should really reply. Fucking hell, he wanted to. He just didn’t want to put all his baggage on Even. It wasn’t fair. He didn’t want to start something with Even when everything felt like it was in pieces around him.

Jonas’s reaction when he saw Isak had been the exception today; the fucking anomaly. Everyone else looked at him like he was going to bust out a gun and shoot them all any second. He got worried glances, whispering girls in the hallways who were out-right staring at him; not to mention some other people who just sniggered at him as he walked by. Magnus and Mahdi tried talking to him but he just waved and walked away, their looks of pity more than he could bare.

He just wanted Even. He wanted the one person who had made him feel complete.

Fuck it, he thought. He sat outside – avoiding the cafeteria during lunch - in the empty courtyard and took out his phone, opening up the conversation with Even which he hadn’t responded to at all yet. Tears blurring his eyes and his breath uneven, he typed.

_13:25: Hi Even. Sorry I haven’t answered._

The reply was immediate.

_13:26: Don’t be sorry, Isak. Glad to hear from you. How is your day?_

Isak bit his bottom lip, not wanting to cry anymore. But there was a sob sitting right in his throat and it was threatening to explode out of him.

_13:28: Awful. I can’t stand it._

Next thing Isak knew his phone was ringing, the sound startling him a bit. He wiped at his face, hoping nobody was watching him, and put the phone to his ear.

“Isak?” Even said first.

“Yeah.” God his voice sounded broken.

“Hey, what’s wrong? What happened?” Even asked, his voice laced with concern. Isak laughed a little, bewildered by why Even cared so much about him. His laughing quickly turned into crying again and he let out the sob, no longer able to try and pretend like everything was fine.

“ _Baby,_ don’t cry.” Even whispered, and Isak wanted him here right now. He wanted those long arms around him, cradling him like he had yesterday.

“I’m sorry.” Isak murmured, his chest tight.

“Don’t ever be sorry, Isak. Don’t apologize for how you feel.”

“I just…” Isak sighed. “I wanted this to be _easier._ ”

“I know.” Even whispered. “Just take it slow, Isak. Did something in particular happen that upset you?”

“No. It’s just everything. People keep looking at me like I’m going to snap. Jonas has been great, but other than him…”

“Your boyfriend?” Even cut in, his voice different now; more on guard, and it made Isak frown.

“Uh…no. My friend.”

“Oh.”

Isak was silent for a long moment, trying to process. Did Even really think Isak would have kissed him or hooked up with him if he’d had a boyfriend? Is that how low an opinion Even had of Isak?

“I wouldn’t have…” Isak began, clearing his throat. “I wouldn’t have done anything with you if I’d _been_ with someone. I’m not an asshole.”

“I was just making sure.” Even said, his voice returning to normal. Isak let it go, not wanting to complicate things. “Listen, Isak. Where are you now? Still at school?”

“Yeah.”

“Want to skip the rest of the day and come to mine?” Even offered and Isak’s heart felt instantly soothed. He figured he wouldn’t see Even again for a while, or ever really. Geeze. That’s what he had been thinking; that even though he’d given Even his number, he wasn’t actually anticipating Even to follow up with him. Which was why all his attention was so shocking to Isak.

“But, what about your classes?” Isak said, really not wanting to ruin Even’s education on top of everything else he might be throwing Even’s way.

“I don’t give a shit, Isak. I care about you.”

Isak smiled to himself, biting his bottom lip. “I can tell you’re blushing right now.” Even said, laughing lightly and the sound was like music; a melody Isak would gladly get stuck in his head any day.

“Not…not blushing.”

“You’re a terrible liar, Isak.”

Isak scoffed. “Um, I’ll have you know I’m the master at lying. Nobody lies like me. You don’t even want to know what kinds of things I’ve gotten away with.”

“Oh yeah?” Even asked, his voice flirty.

“Yeah.” Isak replied, nodding his head.

“I’m coming to you okay, baby? I’ll meet you out front of Nissen.”

**

Even sprinted out the school doors to catch the next bus, thoughts of getting to Isak filling his brain. He’d been so ecstatic when Isak had _finally_ texted him back. He had nearly given up, but he figured Isak would maybe need a push and he was a patient man.

Even had been hoping Isak’s first day back would be smooth sailing, but apparently people were assholes. Giant, stupid, awful people who deserved to be shoved into the mud. And slapped. With a brick.

_Violence isn’t the answer, Even._ He could practically hear his father’s voice in his ears; a sentence Even had heard multiple times during his manic episodes when all he wanted to do was punch walls and kick lamps off tables.

He wasn’t manic now, but he would still gladly punch anyone who tormented Isak. Sweet, amazing Isak who Even couldn’t wait to see again. He hoped he could help turn Isak’s day around and just be there for the younger boy.

Even didn’t know the story yet. He hadn’t asked his father what he’d meant by Isak treading on fragile ground. He wanted to hear the story from Isak when Isak was ready to tell it – if ever. For now all Even knew was that Isak had been through something brutal and he needed someone to care of him. Stability. He needed stability; something he could count on and lean against when he was floundering. Even could be stable. He could be a wall of comfort and strength. He’d be _anything_ for Isak.

Even got off at the stop near Nissen and headed towards the courtyard outside the school, searching for Isak instantly. He spotted him talking to a tall, blonde boy who looked a bit upset at Isak. Even approached cautiously, not wanting to intrude, but also registering that Isak’s face looked…scared. Isak looked terrified.

Even heard bits of the conversation as he got closer.

“Isak, come on. Talk to me!” The boy demanded, his voice slightly squeaky from exasperation. “Jonas wasn’t the only one who came to see you - who was _worried_ about you.”

Isak’s eyes were on the ground, his shoulders hunched and he was flinching at the boy’s every word. Even knew he had to stop this, but Isak didn’t know he was there yet; hadn’t made eye contact. Even didn’t want to startle Isak more.

“I even talked to your dad! I told him off for leaving you with your mom! The least you could do is say hello to me. When I saw you earlier you just walked away.” The boy’s voice indicated he was hurt and wanted Isak to validate what he had done for Isak, but now was the worst possible time to be thinking about himself. Isak was in no state yet to register anyone else’s feelings about what had happened to him. Even had heard enough. He walked right up to the two boys and put a soft hand on Isak’s shoulder.

“Hey, Isak.” Even said lightly, boldly moving his hand up to touch Isak’s cheek.

Isak snapped his eyes up to Even, finally looking at him and his facial expression went from scared to relieved in about two seconds. Isak moved closer to Even, tilting his face into Even’s palm and reached for Even’s jacket; clenching the material in his fist like he was grounding himself.

“Who are you?” The other boy asked, irritation in his tone.

“I’m Even. Isak’s friend. And you?” Even asked as calmly as possible, even though he wanted to tell this guy to step off and give Isak room to fucking breathe.

“Magnus.” The boy replied, frowning. “Also Isak’s friend.”

“Nice to meet you, Magnus. I was just coming from Bakka to see Isak on my lunch break.” Even said, moving his hand away from Isak’s cheek as he wrapped his whole arm around Isak’s shoulders, pulling the boy into him. Isak once again came willingly, and this time he buried his face into Even’s neck, hiding himself from the situation. Even didn’t miss how violently Isak was shaking.

“Isak, how do you know this guy? What are you doing?” Magnus asked, looking baffled by Isak’s closeness to Even.

Even cleared his throat, shushing Isak and frowning a little at Magnus. “Look, Magnus. I know you mean well here, but Isak isn’t in the best shape right now, okay? I need you to stop being so confrontational.”

“I’m not being confrontational.” Magnus replied immediately, offended. “And why in the fuck should I…” Even cut him off before he could finish.

“You’re shouting and you’re being defensive. If you could take a moment to breathe and evaluate the situation you would see how upset Isak is right now. He does not need you to be yelling at him and demanding answers that he doesn’t have. I know it’s frustrating but you have to let Isak do things at his own pace. Let him think. And _back off._ ”

Even didn’t care that he was being bossy and probably overstepping because Magnus was upsetting Isak and it appeared Isak was letting Even take the lead. That meant putting things into perspective for Magnus and it seemed to work; his facial expression slowly softened and his eyes fell to Isak again.

“I’m sorry if I made you upset, Isak.” Magnus said, his voice calm now and level.

Isak was breathing hard into Even’s neck, still clinging to his jacket; now with both hands. His eyes were closed and he was nosing along Even’s collarbone. Even wanted to kiss Isak’s jawline, trace it with his lips but he also didn’t want Isak panicking about that either in case he wasn’t out. But Magnus must have been able to tell Even and Isak weren’t exactly just friends.

“It’s…it’s all right, Magnus.” Isak whispered finally. “Thank you for what you did. I’m just…just…” Isak took in a shuddering breath. “I’m overwhelmed.”

Magnus nodded, looking back at Even this time. “Sorry, bro. It’s just been a weird experience. I’ve never been so worried about someone before. Just wanted to make sure he was okay and that he knew we’re here for him.”

Even nodded, offering Magnus a small smile. “Sorry I had to be a dick to you, too. I just knew things were escalating.”

Magnus smiled back this time. “I’ll leave you guys alone. Congrats on scoring a hottie, Isak.” He winked at Even and the comment seemed to catch Isak’s attention; he finally looked back at Magnus with a puzzled expression.

“Huh?”

Magnus rolled his eyes. “Oh come on. A ‘friend’ from Bakka? Bitch, please. I wasn’t born yesterday.” Even laughed at that, suddenly liking Magnus. “Text me when you can, Isak. Love you, bro.”

Magnus waved as he walked away, leaving Isak and Even alone.

Even was about to make a joke about Isak having weird friends but his words were cut short by Isak’s lips on his, searching and tentative. Even responded immediately, cupping Isak’s face and kissing him firmly; making Isak feel how much Even was here with him and had no intention of going anywhere else.

“I’m so glad you’re here.” Isak whispered after their kiss ended. He wouldn’t meet Even’s eyes; just shoved his face back into Even’s shoulder and hugged onto him tightly.

“No place else I’d rather be.”

“Take me somewhere.” Isak muttered, his grip on Even never loosening. “Somewhere we can be alone.”

“Okay.” Even answered.


	3. You're Not Real

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a bit late! Life has been hectic.

Well Magnus sure as hell knew Isak liked guys now. Isak had made that blatantly obvious by cuddling Even in the middle of the Nissen courtyard. But as he walked next to Even, holding his hand, he couldn’t really bring himself to care. He had agonized over coming out to his friends – saying _anything_ that would reveal his attraction to guys. But now that the moment was here and one of his friends did know, he didn’t really spare the brain cells to have a breakdown over it.

“Okay?” Even asked, catching Isak’s eye.

“Yep. I’m good.” Isak nodded, giving him a bit of a smile.

Isak refused to go back to his house even though his father was at work. The whole house felt wrong to Isak now. He hadn’t slept well the previous night, thoughts of what had happened to his mom swirling around in his mind; making him unable to relax. He was feeling the tiredness now, weighing him down. Even had come up with the brilliant idea of going back to his place to chill. Isak didn’t really care where they went at this point as long as it wasn’t his home.

He was in the middle of panicking about how he would find a new roommate and what that would mean in terms of moving out when Even stopped and pulled Isak into him, nosing along his chin.

“We’re here.”

Isak blinked up at Even and then looked over to his house. It looked nice - comforting, like someone had lived here long and well and had used the space to make it their own; rather than living in a place with four walls and never personalizing it. Geeze, Isak needed some coffee. His thoughts were on a stream of consciousness rampage.

“Let’s go inside. I’ll make us some lunch.” Even said, dragging Isak along behind him until they reached the front door.

Isak was led into a small kitchen where he immediately saw some cheese on the counter. It had slightly melted and Isak smiled, remembering all the countless times he had left cheese out too long after making a sandwich or lunch. Even returned his smile, shrugging.

“I forgot to put it away.”

“I do that all the time.”

Isak sat on the counter as Even bustled around the kitchen, getting some slices of bread out. He asked about spices for their toasties and Isak asked for a whole bunch, not really knowing why. But he felt lighter than he had all day as they joked and chatted, sharing a beer.

“This is probably going to taste awful, but I don’t have much else.” Even said as he put the toasties in the oven.

“It’s okay.”

Even came back towards Isak and stood in the v-shape between his thighs, reaching up and brushing Isak’s hair away from his face. Isak sighed into the touch, bringing his hands around to stroke Even’s back.

“Thank you.” Isak whispered.

Even pulled back so he could look at Isak’s face. “For what?”

Isak shrugged, not knowing how to put it into words. He didn’t know how to describe what he felt for Even, who he really knew nothing about. He didn’t understand their closeness or why he felt he needed Even to feel sane; to feel like the world wasn’t being pulled out from under his feet.

“For everything. Coming to get me today. Yesterday. Talking to Magnus.” Isak settled on saying, looking down at his own hands where he had brought them back into his lap.

“I know I must seem like a pussy but I…” Isak began but Even cut him off by kissing his lips, pushing forward until their bodies were touching from groin to chest. Isak couldn’t help the way his legs automatically wrapped around Even’s waist or the way he put his arms back around Even’s shoulders, pulling the other boy into him.

Isak really, _really_ couldn’t help that he was already getting turned on.

Even ended their kiss with a brief lick across Isak’s top lip and then just breathed into his mouth, stroking along Isak’s sides; sending shivers straight through him.

“Don’t say that, Isak. Don’t talk about yourself like you’re weak. You’re not weak.” Even said, his voice low and thoughtful now. Even tilted his chin until Isak finally met his eyes, squirming with self-consciousness.

“I’m serious, Isak. Whatever you went through, you made it out. You’re here. I know it will take time to recover, but you’re strong. So, unbelievably stronger than you know. Don’t doubt that.”

The words settled in Isak, deep within his core, and it made him slightly breathless. Isak didn’t feel strong. He didn’t feel like he was capable of recovering from anything; or capable of moving forward. But Even believed in him. This stranger who didn’t even know the extent of what Isak had gone through believed he would be okay, and for some godforsaken reason – that made Isak feel strong. It made him believe that he was strong.

The timer dinged loudly in the kitchen, making both of them jump. Even chuckled, disentangling himself from Isak and walked over to the oven. “Looks done.”

They ate in Even’s room, on the floor, because Even’s bed was high up and they both probably couldn’t sit up there comfortably. The food was disgusting but Isak ate it, hungry and happy with anything. Even abandoned his halfway through, making a gagging noise.

“Okay that’s fucking brutal. I can’t eat it anymore.”

Isak laughed, swallowing the last bite of his and putting the plate down. “It was nasty.”

“But you ate the whole thing!”

“I was hungry!” Isak retorted, throwing his hands up in mock defense.

Even smiled at him and moved a bit closer. He didn’t try to kiss Isak he just leaned into him. “Want to watch a film?”

Isak nodded. “Sure.”

“What do you like? You can look through my DVDs if you want.” Even offered, pointing over to a small shelf where a bunch of movies were sitting. Isak read a few titles, trying to decide, but he realized he didn’t know any of them. At all. 

“Uh…Moulin Rouge?” Isak suggested, butchering the French pronunciation.

Even threw his head back and laughed. “Okay. A favourite of yours?”

Isak nodded hesitantly. “Yes. Totally.”

Even didn’t comment on Isak’s kind of obvious lie. He slipped the DVD into the player and settled back with Isak, propping some pillows behind their backs. “This okay? We can go into the living room where there is a couch.”

But Isak was already settling against Even, comfortable despite the wooden floor. He shook his head and threw an arm cautiously over Even’s stomach, resting his head there a second later. “I’m good here.”

Even’s hand was stroking his hair a moment later and Isak felt content. Too content, because his eyes were closing and he could feel himself drifting off as the movie began. And what a fucking weird movie it was, Isak thought. The pace of the movie was fast and Isak could barely keep up even though he was trying.

“This is trippy.” Isak said, his voice a whisper.

“I know. Took me three times watching it before I totally caught the entire plot. But you should be able to get the gist.” Even said, but then he laughed. “Oh, but you’ve already seen it before right? So, you shouldn’t feel confused.”

Isak scoffed. “Shut up.”

Isak looked around Even’s room a bit, trying to be subtle. He wanted to know more about this guy; his interests and hobbies. Isak figured they would talk more eventually. That’s what couples did, right? But wait, were they a couple? It sure as hell felt like it. They were cuddling. Even had come to get Isak and had let Isak be all over him like he was already Isak’s boyfriend. And they were here at Even’s house.

Isak tried not to overthink it. He didn’t want to imagine what he’d feel if Even didn’t want to be something more than just…friends, or acquaintances or whatever they currently were. Isak was already attached and he didn’t want to give Even up. He wanted Even around all the time. In fact, he was dreading going home.

He didn’t want to see the messy state his house was still in after his mother’s episode. She had thrown food everywhere, torn up some of the couch cushions; scrubbed the bathroom clean because she was trying to find all the microphones the aliens had planted. Everywhere Isak looked at home reminded him of how much his mother wasn’t okay, and how much he still didn’t understand. He didn’t know where she was or what was happening. Nobody had told him and he hadn’t coughed up enough courage to ask. Part of him didn’t want to know.

“Hey, you okay?”

The words made Isak jump, startled out of his thoughts. He took a moment to check himself, try and think of why Even sounded concerned. Isak then realized he was clutching onto Even’s sweater so tightly his knuckles were white and there were tears stinging his eyes. He was also breathing too quickly. Fuck.

“Isak?” Even asked again, trying to move his head so he could see Isak’s face where it was still against Even’s middle.

“I…sorry…I…” Isak began, studiously ignoring Even’s gaze in favour of pushing his face entirely into Even’s sweater, basically suffocating himself.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay.” Even whispered, running a hand soothingly through Isak’s sweat-damp hair. He squeezed the back of Isak’s neck.

Isak was shaking now, unable to stop the thoughts of what awaited him at home. He didn’t want to see his father. He didn’t want to be anywhere near his house. It wasn’t home anymore. There was no love there, no peace and no family. Isak was alone there. He’d been alone for a long time; longer than he wanted to admit.

Nobody had come around to help. His mother’s family was gone. His father was always working, leaving Isak for days and sometimes weeks alone with his mother. He could usually ignore her, shrug off her crazy remarks and stay out late at friend’s houses until he would come home and she would be passed out. He’d given up trying to get her to a doctor. She never went and she yelled if he had insisted.

“Isak, baby, you have to breathe. Come on.” Even was saying but Isak barely heard him over the roar of adrenaline rushing in his ears.

Isak knew his mother needed help. He knew she was sick and fading away; withering right in front of him. But he didn’t know what to do. It had all been too much for him to take on alone. He had tried so hard to keep his own life in check that he _had_ to block her out; he had to abandon her. He never left physically, but he had abandoned the idea long ago that he could save her.

“Nobody helped me.” Isak heard himself say. Oh shit, was he yelling again? Fuck, fuck, fuck. “Nobody helped me. Nobody helped me!”

**

Even held onto Isak as tight as he could, trying to calm the younger boy’s nervous system. Isak was yelling and crying. He was fucking hysterical and Even didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what to say, so he cradled Isak into his chest, tried to whisper soothing words of nonsense. _Breathe. It’s okay. I’m here. You’re not alone._ He figured Isak’s freak out would have to stop eventually. He just needed time.

God, his poor boy. He didn’t know what the fuck had happened to Isak, but someone had hurt him badly. Someone had shredded Isak’s self-esteem and his hope.

“Nobody helped me!”

“She left me! I couldn’t get her back!”

“Come back to me, _please_!”

After a few more minutes of yelling and shaking and sobbing, Isak took in a shuddering breath and then went quiet. His breathing began to slowly go back to normal and he was no longer clutching onto Even like he would fall off the earth if he let go. When Even attempted to look down at Isak this time Isak let him; revealing to Even his swollen and puffy face. Isak gave him a mournful stare.

“I’m _sorry,_ Even. I’m sorry.” Isak whispered, his voice barely audible.

Even hugged Isak into him, running a hand through Isak’s hair again – something he was falling in love with doing. “Don’t be sorry, Isak. It’s all right.”

“I can’t stop thinking. I want to stop thinking, Even. Make it stop.” Isak said, hugging Even around his waist with both arms and squeezing tight.

Fuck. Even knew exactly what Isak meant by that. He knew what it was like to have a brain that didn’t listen to him; a brain that made him want to do everything in the universe all at once and then do nothing at all for the rest of his life. He knew the agony of not being in control; to be at the whim of his own self, which was confusing and horrible and so fucking hard to understand.

Even realized Isak was falling asleep against him when his grip on Even loosened. Even wanted Isak to be comfortable and not sleep on a hardwood floor, so he nudged him awake before he could completely drift off.

“Let’s get into my bed. I’ll stay with you. Sleeping is one way to calm your brain. You don’t have to think to dream.” Even said, caressing Isak’s red cheeks.

Isak nodded, allowing Even to pull him to his feet and then help him up to his bed. It was a tight fit – the bed was obviously made for only one person, but Even lied down on his back so Isak could basically treat him like a body pillow and then it worked. Isak sighed into Even and Even clutched onto him.

“It’s okay. Sleep now.”

The last thing Isak muttered as his eyelids were fluttering closed was, “You’re not real.” And then he was out like a light against Even’s chest.

Even watched Isak as he slept, alternating between that and staring up at the ceiling. He kept thinking about what Isak said. _You’re not real._ Even imagined Isak meant it in a way that expressed that Even was going above and beyond what Isak expected. He was ‘not real’ in the sense that he was overly understanding about Isak having a pretty severe panic attack.

But Even was thinking about when his brain used to tell him all the time that he wasn’t real. During his manic episodes, his brain often focused on the belief – which seemed so much like the truth – that he wasn’t real and therefore he could do anything. There were no consequences, no barriers between him and whatever the hell he wanted. He could fly. He could be invisible. He could easily eat seven hotdogs without getting a stomach ache. The belief that he wasn’t real is what had caused him to do the most fucked up shit during his highs.

Like steal his uncle’s BMW.

Or buy heroine off the street just because he could.

Or post ads for an orgy on Craigslist and be in the middle of sucking a guy’s dick when his parents had come home.

Even’s brain was stuck on what Isak had said for so long that he barely registered the time. He didn’t realize how late it had gotten until the doorbell rang and he remembered that he’d invited some friends over for a late dinner. Fuck. He’d meant to get groceries. And fuck. Isak was still fast asleep against him; his arm gone numb under Isak’s weight. He hadn’t noticed that they had been lying here in Even’s bed for close to six hours.

The doorbell rang again, more insistently now. He heard some shouting and then his friends were banging on his door. That seemed to wake Isak up pretty fast. He sluggishly rolled off Even and rubbed his eyes.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to sleep so long.”

“It’s all right,” Even replied, sitting up and groaning at the prickling in his fingers. “I forgot I invited some people over.”

“Oh,” Isak said, looking unsure. “I can leave.”

“You don’t have to. You’re welcome to stay.” Even insisted, climbing down from his bed and looking back up at Isak. “We can order food.”

Isak hesitated for another second before replying, “Okay.”

Even ran down the hall to answer the door. He swung it open and was greeted with the confused faces of his friends. Sonja looked the least pleased of them all and walked right past Even inside like she lived here too.

“Hey guys. Sorry. I fell asleep.” Even explained, smiling at his other friends as they came inside as well.

“No worries.” His friend Linn said.

Even ushered them all into the kitchen where Isak was standing now too, face to face with Sonja who was looking at him expectantly. Even must have missed their previous interaction because next thing he knew Sonja said, “Um, hello? Did you hear me? What’s your name?”

“This is Isak.” Even jumped in, walking over and putting at arm around Isak’s shoulders. He smiled brightly at Sonja who still looked super pissed.

“Okay. Nice to meet you.” Sonja said, her voice laced with uncertainty and resentment. Even frowned at her, confused by her reaction to Isak. Had it been his comment about sleeping before they arrived? She must have caught on to the fact that Even _and_ Isak had been sleeping. Together. In the same bed.

Sonja didn’t exactly have a right to be jealous. He’d made it clear they weren’t together anymore. His feelings had changed. He only wanted her as a friend. But her face said otherwise. The way she glared at Isak made Even uneasy; like she was making her claim on something that no longer belonged to her.

“I didn’t get around to buying food today, guys. Sorry.” Even coughed, trying to change the subject. “So just let me know what you want to order and I’ll buy for us all.”

While everyone discussed what they wanted, Even walked back over to Isak who looked rooted to the spot. His face was still a mess from earlier and his hair was pushed up more on the one side; where he’d been fast asleep on Even.

“Hey, you okay?” Even asked, going in to touch Isak’s cheeks but suddenly Isak pulled away, rushing past Even and heading toward the front door.

“I have to go.” Isak said, putting his shoes on quickly. Even stood in front of him, confused and worried. What the hell happened?

“Isak. What…” Even began but he didn’t get any other words out before Isak was up in his face, looking pissed off and hurt.

“Tell your _girlfriend_ I said goodbye.”

Isak was out the door before Even could stop him; before he could even begin to explain.

“Hey, what’s going on? Isn’t your friend staying?” Sonja asked from behind him. Even could feel anger boiling under his skin. He turned around to give Sonja a piece of his mind when he suddenly felt her arms slink around his waist and then she placed a kiss to the back of his neck.

“Why did he leave?”

Even wasn’t playing her fucking game. No way in hell. He whirled around and took a step back away from her.

“You know exactly why he left. What the hell did you say to him?” Even demanded, his voice louder and angrier than he had intended. He could tell he’d surprised her as well because she suddenly looked embarrassed.

“I just introduced myself.”

“As my _girlfriend_?”

Sonja hung her head now, looking away. “It’s just habit.”

“Fucking hell.” Even spat, grabbing his shoes and putting them on as fast as he could. He had to go after Isak. He had to explain.

“Is he your new toy of the month?” Sonja asked, just as Even had his hand on the door to leave. “I’m sure you’ll be bored of him soon just like all the others.”  

Even tried to control his anger but it was all-consuming now. Fuck Sonja and fuck anything she had to say about him or Isak.

“You don’t know shit, Sonja. You better be gone by the time I’m back.”

Before she could say anything else he was out the door and calling Isak’s name.


	4. Latching onto You

Isak wasn’t exactly sure what area of Oslo Even lived in, so he walked around for a bit trying to get his bearings. Trying to find the nearest bus or train or something that would take him back towards where he lived. He just needed to get as far away from Even’s bullshit as possible.

He was vaguely aware that he’d forgotten his jacket back at Even’s and now he was freezing. Mid-November was bitingly cold this year and Isak realized he didn’t have a hat either. He hugged himself as he walked, trying to see through his watery eyes.

Fuck, why was he so goddamn emotional? He never used to cry like this. He never used to feel things like this, as if his skin had been stripped off his body and every touch or feeling was like agony.

Even’s touches hadn’t been agony. They hadn’t hurt. But now that was gone. Isak didn’t get to have that anymore. Instead of being the person Isak needed and wanted, Even had become yet another person who hadn’t chosen Isak; who hadn’t put him first.

Isak really wasn’t surprised. He wasn’t. Nobody had ever really cared about him.

But, then why did this all hurt so much?

“Isak!”

Shit. He could hear Even behind him but he didn’t turn around. He just made himself run now, towards the next street. He still didn’t know where the fuck he was or what the hell he thought he was doing. But he didn’t want to see Even or hear his excuses.

“Isak, please wait!”

Isak’s lungs were burning. He was out of breath. His legs were hurting too, so he decided to stop. He’d catch his breath and then he’d give Even a piece of his mind. He held onto his thighs and bent over, gasping now. Fuck. Cold air and running really didn’t mix when a person was out of shape.

Even stopped in front of him, also breathing hard.

“Just…go…away.” Isak managed to say, looking up at Even and straightening his back.

“She isn’t my girlfriend, Isak.” Even rushed to say, putting up his hands to indicate he wasn’t going to try and touch Isak. “I know she told you that she is, and fuck, she _was,_ but we broke up two months ago, okay?”

Well, shit. Isak didn’t know what to say to that.

“She isn’t exactly over it. We’ve been trying to be friends because we’ve known each other a long time and we have the same friends. But I don’t love her anymore and I don’t want _anything_ with her. I wouldn’t do that to you. I wouldn’t lead you on.” Even continued, his eyes never leaving Isak’s and never looking anything but sincere. Even seemed genuinely scared that Isak thought he had played him.

“But, she said…I don’t…” Isak tried, frustrated by how tongue tied he was recently. Why had talking become so hard?

“I know what she said, Isak. But it wasn’t true. Please try and believe me. I know you don’t trust a lot of people right now, but I have never lied to you.” Even said, walking a little closer this time. Isak let him, the fight bleeding out of him quickly. He was back to just wanting Even’s arms around him again.

“You promise?” Isak whispered, knowing he sounded like a child. But he couldn’t bare the idea of Even being with someone else; _wanting_ someone else. Even had to tell him until he believed it himself.

“Yes, Isak.” Even said just as he wrapped Isak up in his arms, surrounding the younger boy in his warmth. Isak hadn’t realized he’d been shivering. “Jesus, you’re freezing.”

Isak simply nodded and rested his head on Even’s chest – a favourite spot of his now. He let out a long breath and nuzzled further into Even, letting him cradle him. Isak never knew he was such a fan of snuggling until he met Even.

“Where were you trying to go?” Even asked.

“Trying to find a bus to get home.” Isak shrugged. “But I don’t know where the fuck we are.” He laughed, wiping the remaining tears off his face.

Even laughed too, placing a kiss on Isak’s forehead.

“And I don’t really want to go home anyway.” Isak muttered under his breath, looking down at the ground. “I thought I would try and go to my friend Jonas’s house. He lives near me.”

“I can help get you there if you want.” Even offered, taking hold of Isak’s face so they could finally look at each other properly again. “I don’t mind.”

“Aren’t you sick of me yet?” Isak tried to laugh but he actually wanted to know. He didn’t understand why Even wanted him around so much; why this stranger who could have a girl like Sonja somehow wanted Isak.

“Never.” There was no hesitation in his voice and Isak chose to believe him. “Let’s go get your jacket and then we’ll head out. I told my friends to leave, including Sonja so don’t stress about that.” Even took his hand and they started walking back towards Even’s house.

By the time they got back the house was luckily empty like Even said. Isak grabbed his stuff and then they headed towards the bus, clearly seeing that he’d run in the total opposite direction.

Even was quiet but not distant. He stayed close to Isak as they waited for the bus, holding his hand and rubbing his side. He let Isak rest against him on the bus as they headed back toward Isak’s area of town. Isak’s heart had calmed down, momentarily forgetting about the Sonja catastrophe. He was upset that she had said what she did, but he also understood. He imagined giving Even up wasn’t an easy thing, no matter what had happened between them.

Isak got off near Jonas’s house and Even followed. As they walked and got closer Isak realized he never actually asked Jonas if he could stay. Isak faltered a bit, losing his stride and Even immediately noticed. He slowed down with Isak and squeezed his hand.

“What’s up? Are we here?” Even asked, looking around at the houses surrounding them on the street.

“No. I just remembered I hadn’t even asked Jonas if I could crash…” Isak mumbled pathetically, also realizing his phone was dead. Shit.

“Can’t you just knock on his door?”

“I don’t want to bother him though.”

Even smiled softly, brushing a hand through the curls hanging outside Isak’s hat. “I’m sure he won’t mind. You said you’re close with him, right?” Isak nodded. “Well, then he should be happy to help you.”

Isak couldn’t help but roll his eyes. “Not everyone is as awesome as you, though. Some people want their nights to themselves.”

Even smiled. “You think I’m awesome?” He looked behind him, as if to make sure Isak wasn’t talking about someone else. “Me?”

“Shut up.”

Even pulled Isak into him and kissed him softly on the mouth. Isak blushed under the intense gaze of Even’s eyes and eventually looked away, but he hung on to Even just as tightly.

“You can just stay with me if you want.” Even whispered, placing kisses along Isak’s jaw. “I won’t charge you rent or anything.”

Isak gulped and started to panic because that was kind of all he wanted to do. He wanted Even around all the time; to be in Even’s space and not in his own where he was alone and left with only his thoughts. But also, they had just spent nearly an hour coming back.

“That’s dumb.” Isak began. Even’s face fell a little so Isak rushed to say, “I just mean… we came all the way here. I don’t want to make us go all the way back because I can’t get my brain to work and actually text people before showing up on their doorsteps.”

Even chuckled a little, kissing Isak again. “Isak, I don’t care. I just want to know you’re okay for tonight.”

“Isak?”

The voice came from behind Isak and he whirled around, facing a rather stunned-looking Jonas. Jonas was trying to gauge the situation and Even too, his frown etched into his forehead as he approached. “Uh, hey man. What are you doing on my block?”

Isak’s panic shot up a notch because there’s no way Jonas didn’t just see the way Even was kissing him, or that Isak was practically hanging off the other boy’s body. He let go of Even and faced Jonas properly, trying to find words.

“I was…uh…I was coming to see you.”

Jonas didn’t seem any less weirded-out when he said, “Okay…”

Isak tried to laugh but it was too shaky. “I said I would get you a kebab, right? I figured we could…” But Jonas cut him off this time.

“Who is this guy?”

Isak licked his lips, feeling how uncomfortable his chest was getting. It was too tight and he couldn’t really breathe properly and oh fuck he was going to have to come out to his best friend right now and he couldn’t face it and _oh god_.

“I’m Even.” Isak watched as Even extended a hand to Jonas and they shook, seeming to calm the tension filled moment for now.

“Jonas. Nice to meet you.”

Even wrapped an arm around Isak’s shoulders and Isak unintentionally flinched, startled by the contact. He caught Jonas’s eye and Jonas looked so unsure and kind of angry at Even.

“You guys friends or…?” Jonas asked, his tone indiscernible now. He moved a little closer to Isak.

“Yeah. I go to Bakka. Third. I was just bringing Isak over from mine since he didn’t know which bus to take.” Even explained, a friendly tone in his voice. He moved his arm away from Isak and Isak missed the touch immediately, but he didn’t move closer. “I guess I’ll see you around, Isak?” Even asked, turning to leave and flashing Isak a big and fuck – _fake_ – smile.

No, no, no, _NO._

“Yeah, see you around Even.” Jonas said dismissively, taking Isak by the arm and practically yanking him towards his house. Isak suddenly couldn’t breathe again, this time for real, and he let out what sounded like a cross between a sob and a shout- trying to catch his breath.

“Wait, wait, wait,” Isak was saying, trying to focus his vision. God he felt like he was going to pass out; the world gone completely black around him.

“Isak?” Even’s voice asked and Isak felt his touch. His hands were on Isak and Isak wanted to hold him back, wanted to stay next to him. He was reaching for Even when suddenly he felt Even get yanked away and then Jonas was gone too.

“What the hell, man? Don’t touch him!” Jonas shouted.

“He’s having a panic attack!” Even exclaimed. “I need to go to him!”

“You don’t even know him, bro! Where the fuck is this coming from?” Jonas asked, his voice sounding angry. Isak just focused on his breathing as his knees hit the concrete sidewalk, wishing he could explain everything to Jonas; wishing he didn’t feel so fucking weak.

“I met Isak at his doctor’s office before he left the hospital. I’ve been helping him. I know how panic attacks work and he’s been having some. I don’t mean him any harm, Jonas.” Even said, a level of desperation in his voice. “Just let me go to him. I won’t hurt him.”

“You were just kissing him!” Jonas yelled and Isak heard someone hit the ground with a loud thud a few feet away. “Did he ask for your help with _that_ too?”

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Isak couldn’t help but keep sobbing, wishing he could see and think straight.

“Look at him, Jonas. Look at him!” Even begged. There was a pause in which all Isak could hear was roaring in his ears again and then he felt someone touch his shoulder.

“Isak? Man, you okay?” Jonas asked, his voice no longer sounding angry.

Isak really needed some air. Right now. He needed Even. He needed so many things but he was frozen, choking on his own spit.

“Isak, it’s all right. Look at me buddy. I’m here.” Jonas continued, but Isak didn’t need Jonas. He didn’t need his friend right now as much as he appreciated Jonas trying to help.

“Isak.” That voice. That was the voice. “Isak, it’s all right. You’re safe.” Even said, but he was too far away. Isak couldn’t feel him properly.

“Jonas, I’m going to come closer, okay? Please just let me.” Even requested, no anger in his voice.

Jonas seemed to make a silent response because next thing Isak knew he was in Even’s embrace, tucked tightly into the boy’s neck. Isak clutched back onto him, aware that they were in the middle of the street with Jonas standing next to them but he just let himself cry and hug Even. He managed to kiss Even’s neck too just because he wanted something to ground him; something that was good amidst the awfulness of his brain.

“It’s okay, Isak. Nothing bad is happening.” Even whispered, rocking Isak back and forth.

Isak’s brain was still in panic mode, but now it was focused on how fucked up he felt. Even had helped him through multiple freak-outs now. The guy really was some kind of angel if he still wanted Isak after all this. Isak felt like such a loser. And now Magnus and Jonas both knew he didn’t like girls and they probably wouldn’t see him the same anymore. And how the fuck had Isak managed to lose everything?

“Why…why is this happening?” Isak asked to nobody in particular.

Even squeezed him tighter and Isak let him.

**

Jonas was glaring daggers into Even’s back as Even held Isak. Even could sense it as he tried to soothe the younger boy. He tried not to care that Jonas had fucking shoved him to the ground like he was some kind of pervert who just wanted to feel Isak up as he was having a goddamn breakdown. He’d need to discuss this with Jonas later and properly explain, but for now he needed Isak to calm down.

_Why is this happening,_ Isak kept asking. He said it so many times that eventually it lost all meaning. It just became something Isak was saying like he had earlier at Even’s house when he was mouthing, _nobody helped me nobody helped me._

After a few more minutes, Isak stopped speaking and he seemed to calm down. His breathing evened out and he let go of Even’s shirt.

Jonas crouched down next to them and only looked at Isak when he said, “Isak? You okay?”

Isak finally met Jonas’s eyes and he nodded. “Yeah.”

Jonas ran a hand through his hair and let out a long sigh, finally looking up and meeting Even’s eyes. Even stared back, unsure of what Jonas would do now. He understood Isak’s friend didn’t know Even, didn’t know what they meant to each other yet – and he had put together that Isak was definitely not out of the closet yet – but holy fuck; Even didn’t think Jonas would think Even was some kind of creeper. He hoped like hell that Jonas wasn’t a homophobe.

“I’m sorry, Jonas.” Isak croaked out, looking at his friend through puffy, desperate eyes. Jonas looked down at him, shaking his head.

“Isak, it’s all right. I just…I’m sorry I freaked out too. I didn’t know what was happening, and I didn’t know you were _with_ someone so I just thought he was like, forcing you to do something. I just acted before I thought it through.” Jonas explained, his words fast and tinged with embarrassment. “I didn’t mean to make this worse for you.”

Even decided that was as close to an apology as he would get from Jonas, but it didn’t matter. Jonas didn’t seem like an asshole, but Even sure wished he wouldn’t keep getting bad first impressions of Isak’s friends.

“I’m not…” Isak began, glancing nervously at Even. “We’re not…” He trailed off again, his cheeks bright red now. Even decided to jump in and rescue him.

“We haven’t talked about what we are yet, but I like Isak a lot. I just want you to know I didn’t push anything on him. We met by pure happenstance. Same doctor.”

Jonas nodded and helped Isak to his feet. Isak shifted back and forth awkwardly, clearly waiting for Jonas to freak out. Was Isak really that afraid of his friends knowing he liked guys?

“Did you want to stay tonight, then?” Jonas asked, completely ignoring the apparent non-issue of Isak’s sexuality. Oh thank god, Even thought. Isak’s friends weren’t pricks they just didn’t take too kindly to strangers being all over their friend.

Fair enough.

“Um, yeah. If – if that’s cool. I meant to text you but my phone died.” Isak said, his voice sounding more normal now as he realized Jonas wasn’t upset.

“That’s all right. I’ll go and set up the spare room for you. See you in a few?” Jonas asked, raising his eyebrows expectantly. Even noticed then how bushy they were and he smiled briefly to himself.

“Thanks, Jonas.” Isak nodded.

“Cool.” Jonas said, turning to walk away. But before he turned completely he looked back at Even and said, “Guess I’ll be seeing you?”

Even just nodded and offered a short wave which Jonas returned and then he headed off in the direction of his house. Isak waited until Jonas was totally out of sight before he reached for Even again, pulling him down into a hug.

“Thank you. Again.”

Even shook his head and kissed the shell of Isak’s ear. “It’s okay, baby.”

“No, it’s not. It’s really not okay that I keep freaking out. But I couldn’t help it. I was just so scared about what to say and what he’d think and…”

“You were spiraling.” Even concluded.

“W – _what?_ ” Isak asked, incredulous.

“When your thoughts get away from you and you can’t seem to think through them logically, it’s what’s called a spiral. You get stuck. And sometimes you can have panic attacks because you’re so afraid of something you can’t think through properly.”

“Oh.”

“I’ve been in therapy for a while.” Even chuckled.

“I’m supposed to start that. Shit,” Isak cried. “I was supposed to go today.”

“I’m sure Dr. Henrick will understand.”

Even saw that Isak was drained. He needed to rest. Even though he’d slept a long time at Even’s house he still needed more. His brain was exhausted. Even pulled Isak against him one more time, kissed his mouth and then said, “Time for you to go.”

Isak looked like Even had just slapped him with his words. “But I…”

“You need to rest, Isak. I don’t want you to leave, but you’re staying at Jonas’s tonight. I don’t think this is a sleepover.” Even joked. “I’m not invited.”

“I’m sorry he got so angry.”

“Would you stop apologizing you beautiful boy?” Even teased. “Nothing is your fault.”

Isak looked at him for a long moment before he simply nodded, pulling away with what looked like sheer force of will. “I’ll text you?” Isak asked, looking unsure.

“I’ll answer.” Even smiled. “Now go on. Have a good night.”

“Goodnight, Even.” Isak said, giving him a small smile before he turned and walked to Jonas’s house. Even watched him go and only turned to catch the bus home when Isak was out of sight.

As Even sat on the bus he heard his phone go off several times in a row, interrupting his music. He looked down at his messages and rolled his eyes.

Sonja: _I’m sorry about tonight._

Even saw that it wasn’t only Sonja who had texted him but also his father.

Step-Dad Douche Face (heh, Even still laughed at the way his father’s number was saved in his phone): _Even, have you spoken to Isak Valtersen? He was supposed to come to therapy today and didn’t show. I meant what I said before. It’s not good to start something with him right now. Please let me know if you know anything. Take your meds. Goodnight._  

Even closed his eyes and tried to breathe through the wave of anger that washed over him. Who the fuck did his father think he was, ordering Even around like he was some kind of child. Even didn’t answer, but he chose to reply to Sonja.

Even: _Thanks for apologizing but shit like that isn’t okay, Sonja. If we’re going to be friends you can’t be acting like my jealous girlfriend._

Her reply came a moment later.

Sonja: _Fine. Hope he makes you happy. Truly._

Even got off the bus and walked back to his place, Isak on his mind. Fuck, he couldn’t think about much else at all. He didn’t quite understand their immediate bond; the way they both seemed to latch onto the other. He knew Isak was in need of someone to love him. That had become clear to Even. Not a lot of people had taken the time to actually love Isak.

And deep down, Even knew that he would love Isak. He could already feel it beginning. He would put his soul into this thing with Isak.

Even would chose Isak. And he would try his best to be there for him and cherish him. And he would take his meds, _without someone telling him to constantly_. He’d prove his father wrong. He’d prove Sonja wrong and all the others who has come before and after her.

The past two days had proven to Even that he could be strong for someone. He could be someone else’s strength when they were low. He wasn’t just some bat-shit crazy guy who slept around and didn’t care; didn’t put effort into his relationships. Not anymore.

He fell asleep that night on his pillow which still smelled of Isak’s shampoo, smiling to himself after having just read Isak’s adorable message.

Isak: _Wishing I was in your bed. Jonas’s spare room smells like moth balls. Thanks for everything, Even. Looking forward to talking tomorrow. Goodnight. xo_

Even: _I’m hugging my pillow which smells like you. Sleep well, Isak. xxoo_


	5. Feel Something Different

Isak woke up slightly disoriented to someone shaking him awake – gently, but still with enough force to get Isak’s attention. He blearily opened his eyes and saw Jonas above him, holding what looked like a breakfast tray.

“Morning.” Jonas mumbled, sitting down on Isak’s bed when Isak finally got the hint and moved over, sitting up. “I made some eggs and toast. Oh, and there’s coffee.”

Isak let Jonas hand him the tray, the smell of food meeting his nostrils and he groaned appreciatively. “Wow. Uh, thanks man. This is great.”

“No problem.” Jonas smiled.

Isak took a huge swig of coffee, willing his brain awake. He hadn’t had the best sleep but it was better than if he’d stayed at home. Plus, apparently Jonas brought him breakfast in bed now so that was always a bonus. He smiled to himself.

“So, uh.” Jonas began, looking awkward. “This Even guy…he all right?”

Isak froze for a second, last night coming back to him. He’d been kind of a mess, crying in the street with Even hugging him like his life depended on it. They hadn’t really talked after Isak had come back to Jonas’s. Isak had mumbled a ‘thank you’ and a ‘goodnight’ and a ‘can I borrow your phone charger’ before he’d gone into the spare room; studiously avoiding Jonas and his family.

“Yeah,” Isak said, swallowing his bite of toast. “I know you must be freaked out or whatever but…”

“Wait, hold the fuck up.” Jonas interrupted, turning himself so he could meet Isak’s eyes easier. “This is not about me being against you dating a dude, okay? I don’t care, Issy. I want you to be happy and if this guy makes you happy then sweet.”

Isak didn’t realize how relieved he’d be just hearing Jonas say that. Isak freakin’ _loved_ Jonas and he said as much, blurting the words out. Jonas laughed and said, “I love you too, bro.”

“So, why were you worried about Even then?” Isak asked.

“Because I had just come back from the shop kind of late at night to see my friend - who as far as I knew was only into girls – getting macked on by some tall guy I’ve never seen before. My mind went wild. I figured he was forcing you to do something. I didn’t know what the fuck to think.” Jonas explained, shaking his head. “And after everything that happened with your Mom and you being in the hospital…I just didn’t want to see anyone else hurting you.”

Isak nodded, understanding where Jonas was coming from. It would be weird if one of your friends showed up randomly on your street hugging and kissing someone who wasn’t the gender you apparently were into. Isak laughed, thinking about how he would have reacted if he’d seen Jonas making out with some guy outside of Isak’s house. He would have been a bit startled.

“I get it, man. But Even isn’t a bad guy. He’s been helping me.” Isak said, suddenly self-conscious about his whirlwind romance with Even.

Wait a fucking second. _Whirlwind romance?_ Did Isak just think that? Fucking hell, he clearly needed some more coffee.

“Helping you, huh?” Jonas asked, creating air-quotes as he spoke. Isak chuckled and shoved Jonas’s shoulder.

“Shut up. I just mean he understands panic attacks. Which apparently I’ve been having. When he’s there it just makes me feel better.” Isak replied, once again feeling weird as he said it. People didn’t normally connect with other people this quickly or intensely, but that didn’t mean it was bad, right?

Jonas simply nodded though. “Okay. Cool. Glad you’re happy. Just know I’m here too, okay? And Magnus and Mahdi. We’re your friends.”

“I know. Thanks, Jonas.”

“No problem. We gotta head out soon if we want to make it to school.” Jonas said, standing up and stretching. “Was yesterday okay for you coming back?”

Fuck. Isak could already feel the panic spreading through him like fire. “No. It sucked.”

Jonas frowned. “Really? Why?”

“People look at me like I’m fucking crazy. I heard people laughing at me. I left early yesterday and met Even because I couldn’t take it anymore.” Isak admitted, suddenly losing his appetite.

Jonas looked sad all of a sudden and ran a hand across his chin. “Fuck. Why are people such assholes? Did anyone say something to you?”

“No, but they didn’t need to.”

“Motherfuckers.” Jonas spat, shaking his head. Isak smiled weakly at his friend’s protectiveness, suddenly regretting feeling like Jonas never really cared for Isak. Sure, friends could only care so much about each other but Isak should have remembered that their friendship was special. Jonas had never really let Isak down.

“Maybe today will be better.” Isak tried, not really believing it.

“I’ll stick with you, okay? I can come meet you after classes. Same with Magnus and Mahdi. They’ll want to help. We’ll make sure nobody else gives you any grief.” Jonas exclaimed, suddenly smiling at Isak. “Did you know Magnus full on bitched out your Dad? In the hospital. Man, I wish you could have seen your Dad’s face. He was getting his ass handed to him.”

Isak briefly remembered Magnus mentioning that he’d said something to Isak’s father but he hadn’t asked exactly what had happened.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Oh man, it was great. I really like that guy. He seems like a total idiot but fuck he loves his friends.” Jonas chortled. “Anyway, get some pants on. We gotta get moving.”

Jonas fled from the room, leaving Isak feeling a fuck ton better than he had before school yesterday. He got out of bed and dressed quickly, hearing his phone go off indicating he had messages. He already knew who it was going to be.

_Good morning, Isak._

_I bet you look hot in the morning. Your hair is probably even curlier and a big mess. What I wouldn’t give to see that. :P_

_Jonas messaged me on Facebook. Yes, we’re friends now on there. Maybe this means he won’t push me around again (haha jk). He said he’s going to make this day awesome for you. I believe him, seems like a good guy._

_Text me at any time today. I’ll be here. <3_

Jonas had already contacted Even? Jesus Christ. He could already imagine there being some kind of bromance between Jonas and Even. They’d laugh at parties, high five each other and share embarrassing Isak stories and _FUCKING HELL ISAK GET YOUR ASS TO SCHOOL._

Isak: _Good morning. I usually look like a zombie when I wake up. You’re the cute one. I hope you also have a good day. <3 _

Isak and Jonas got out the door just in time and began the somewhat short walk to Nissen. They chatted about a lot of random things as they walked, the way they always used to. Isak felt almost normal again, like he could actually do this. He could get back into the groove of his life.

His phone vibrated in his pocket just as he saw the Nissen courtyard. He expected it to be Even but instead his heart jumped into his throat as he saw his father’s name.

Pappa: _Isak, where are you? Go to school please. I got a phone call that you missed half the day yesterday AND didn’t attend your therapy. Get it together._

Isak actually stopped walking as he tried to process what his father just said. Get it together? _Isak_ was the one who needed to get it together? What a fucking asshole. 

“Isak, what is it?” Jonas asked.

“My dad messaged me.”

“Shit.” Jonas whispered, sounding as pissed as Isak felt. “What the fuck does he want?”

Isak let Jonas read the message and Jonas angrily shouted “fuck” as he handed the phone back to Isak. Isak put his phone away, trying to get his emotions back to where they had been mere moments before.

“I’m moving out soon anyway. I don’t care.” Isak stated, continuing his walk into the school.

Jonas was right behind him as they walked through the doors. “You are?”

“Yeah. I can’t stand being at home.” Isak said, not meeting Jonas’s gaze. “I told my dad that I’m leaving and he offered to pay my rent once I find a roommate.”

“Good. I think it will be nice for you to live somewhere else.” Jonas concluded.

Isak turned around to look at Jonas since they had reached the doorway of Isak’s first class. “Thanks for walking me. Better hurry if you want to make your class too.”

Jonas saluted Isak as he walked away. “Magnus is meeting you after!” He called over his shoulder, making Isak roll his eyes.

Holy fuck he loved his friends.

Isak checked his phone again before class officially started and he closed out of the conversation with his father, deleting the messages. Even texted him again just before the bell rang.

_Don’t take shit from anyone, Isak. Especially your dad. It’s my experience that fathers often don’t know shit about their kids._

What. The. Fuck. Jonas.

Isak: _So I guess you and Jonas are dating now and not us? LOL_

Even: _Lmao sorry! He messaged me. I think he was rage ranting._

Isak: _Sounds like Jonas._

Isak’s teacher asked that everyone put away their phones and Isak was just about to before he realized Even had messaged him again.

Even: _So we’re dating now are we? ;)_

Isak blushed fucking _crimson_ as he put his phone in the outer pocket of his backpack. He didn’t really hear his teacher as she droned on and on. His brain was lost in a nice haze of Even and the fact that he probably, potentially, almost certainly had a boyfriend.

**

Magnus and Mahdi met him after his classes before lunch and then they all sat together with Jonas like it was just any other day. Isak ordered expensive, too bland food and joked about Magnus’s crush on Vilde. He hadn’t been panicking at all so far today, even though some people still looked at him funny. Jonas and Magnus had hollered at people more than once to ‘take a picture it lasts longer’ and then the day had gone on.

Isak still hadn’t replied to Even’s question and Even hadn’t messaged him again. Isak didn’t know how to write an appropriate response because all he wanted to say was _yes please be my boyfriend I want nothing but you._

“So, are you gay Isak?” Magnus asked, chewing obnoxiously loud around his bite of food.

“Dude!” Jonas exclaimed, smacking Magnus hard on the arm.

Magnus looked startled as he met Jonas’s glare. “Oh, uh…sorry? I was just asking. Not like I care. I’m just wondering since you were with that hot guy yesterday.”

Isak’s brief second of panic turned into fondness rather quickly. He smirked at Magnus then and said, “Hot guy? You sure it’s not _you_ who is gay, Mags?”

Jonas and Mahdi laughed, something they often did at Isak’s jokes about Magnus. Magnus did his typical pouty face and shook his head like he couldn’t believe his friends were such assholes.

“A guy can appreciate another guy’s looks without being gay, okay?” Magnus huffed, taking a long swig of his drink. “And stop avoiding the question, Isak. Just tell us.”

Isak sighed, internally thinking, _yes, yup I am hella gay_ but replied with a shrug. “I like Even. A lot. That’s all I know right now.”

“Cool. Now fucking drop it, Mags.” Jonas warned, throwing a piece of lettuce across the table.

Magnus put his hands up in surrender and rolled his eyes, but it was all in good humor. Isak couldn’t believe he’d made it through half the day actually feeling like himself again. And now his friends all knew about him liking guys and they all knew about Even. No more surprises or having to freak out about what to say.

Isak was smiling to himself as his friends continued to banter when he felt his phone vibrate again. This time he was getting a phone call from an unknown number. He decided to pick up.

“Hello?”

“Isak this is Dr. Henrick. How are you?”

_Shit._

“Uh, I’m – I’m fine. You?” Isak stuttered out, his voice sounding shaky.

“I’m well, Isak. I noticed you didn’t make your appointment yesterday. Everything okay?”

Isak’s first reaction was to tell Dr. Big-Nose to shove his fake concern up his ass. He didn’t really care that Isak missed his appointment. He just wanted everything under his control. Isak got the impression the guy was a control freak and had to have everything go as planned or else the world was ending.

“Yeah, I just forgot and fell asleep after school.” Isak replied, not exactly lying.

“Your father tells me you missed school yesterday afternoon. Any particular reason?” Dr. Big-Nose continued, shredding Isak’s good mood. Dude needed to back off.

“I had a headache.”

“I see. Will you please come in this afternoon at 4pm? I made a time allotment for you.” Dr. Big-Nose asked, but Isak had a feeling it wasn’t actually a question. It was a command.

“Sure.” He said and then he hung up because Isak didn’t want to hear the doctor’s voice anymore. It just reminded him of being sick and in the hospital. It reminded him of everything Isak had spent today trying to forget.

“All good?” Jonas asked, quiet enough that Magnus and Mahdi didn’t hear him over their conversation about girls dancing.

“Yep.” Isak nodded, trying to sound genuine.

Mahdi walked with Isak to his next class after lunch, mostly because they were in the same hallway. Isak hadn’t spent a lot of time with Mahdi one-on-one, but he chatted as they walked and made Isak laugh despite some anxiety sitting in his stomach.

“This is me.” Isak said, stopping outside his fourth class of the day. Mahdi nodded and offered a high-five to Isak which Isak accepted.

“Cool. See you later, man. Good job today.” Mahdi said, flashing his toothy grin.

“Yeah, gold star for Isak doing normal things.” Isak joked, rolling his eyes at himself; wanting to keep the mood light.

Mahdi’s smile fell a little and then he looked at Isak seriously. “Don’t sell yourself short. You seriously have done well today, Isak. We’re proud of you.” And then he walked away before Isak could reply.

Halfway through his class his phone vibrated _again._ Isak nearly jumped. He hoped it wasn’t his father again or someone else trying to control his life. He sneaked a glance at his phone when the teacher wasn’t looking.

Even: _Do you want to date me, Isak?_

Isak gulped rather audibly, remembering that he actually hadn’t given Even a reply yet. He wanted to type a response but he knew he didn’t have the time. This period’s teacher was especially touchy about phones in class.

Even: _I want to date you, if that’s what you’re waiting to hear. A lot. :)_

Isak bit his bottom lip, wishing beyond belief that he could reply. But he turned his phone off and tried his best to concentrate for the next twenty minutes.

**

No reply. Still no reply. Shit. Even was panicking now.

Had he overstepped? Gone too fast? He was always going too fast in relationships, but that was usually when he was manic. He wanted to give his partners the world no matter the consequences or risks or even the actually probability of being able to do all the things he wanted to do.

But Even wasn’t manic now. He was fine. Nonetheless, as he sat in his Norwegian class he couldn’t think of anything else except, _am I actually manic?_

The class ended and Even was up out of his chair in a second, racing to the bathroom to splash some cold water on his face. He needed to snap out of this. Not everything he did and said indicated that he would be approaching an episode. And he took his fucking meds this morning. Calm the hell down, Even.

People had been telling him for years when he was manic though, and often they were right. He wouldn’t even know. He’d be caught doing the most random shit but it all made sense to him at the time. So it didn’t surprise him when his brain automatically assumed the worst. But he managed to talk himself out of it and remember that the fact that he was thinking he was manic usually meant that he wasn’t. When he had gone off the rails he usually didn’t know; didn’t spare it a second thought.

Okay. So he hadn’t done anything weird. He’d just asked a simple question. Twice. To a boy he desperately wanted to call his boyfriend. Okay. Cool.

So, why was he scared right now? Why was his brain on panic mode?

As Even walked outside, hoping fresh air would clear his head, the realization slammed into him. He was _nervous._ He was scared that Isak wouldn’t say yes. He was scared that Isak would reject him.

People didn’t reject Even. It sounded pompous but they just didn’t reject him. He would ask people out on dates and they always said yes. He was a charmer, he knew that. But then again, he never cared much about the others; even Sonja, who he’d been with the longest. He’d never tried with them as much as he had with Isak in only two days. Usually once he’d said one thing to the person they chased him.

But now Even was the one chasing Isak. He was the one waiting to have someone text him back, waiting for an answer; _he_ was left wondering where things stood. Even had given Isak control because Isak needed control. He needed the control that came with someone caring about him.

Even was snapped out of his thoughts by the loud _ding_ of his phone. He looked down and immediately felt better when he saw it was Isak.

_Of course I want to date you, stupid._

_I just don’t understand why you want to date me. Is it the snapbacks? They are kind of irresistible. ;)_

Even actually laughed out loud to himself. Sassy Isak was going to become one of his favourite things ever.

Even: _You’re irresistible. Want to meet after school?_

Isak: _I’m supposed to go to therapy._

Even sighed, not wanting to imagine Isak in therapy with his fucking step-dad. Even knew all too well how that worked. But Even was also prone to imagine the worst considering his only experience with therapy was with his own father. He’d tried several times to switch therapists and psychiatrists – since technically his father wasn’t the best person to do talk therapy with, he was more the person who diagnosed people and sent them on their way - but his father always said that he could remain objective. Something about not making it personal.

Being institutionalized by one’s own father made it _more_ than personal, but Even had kept quiet about that.

Even: _Okay. Text me when you’re done that. If you’re up for it we can meet after._

Isak: _I’m sure I’ll be up for it. <3 _

Even smiled throughout the rest of the school day.

**

Even didn’t hear from Isak until nearly 18:30 that night. He was in the middle of watching a film, ignoring his homework, when Isak texted him.

Isak: _Hey how is your night?_

Even: _It’s all right. Just watching a movie, wishing I had someone to snuggle with :P How was therapy?_

Isak: _I’m outside your house._

Even nearly dropped his tea all over himself. _What_? He basically ran down the stairs and opened the door to a hesitant but absolutely perfect-looking Isak.

Isak who was his boyfriend. Even smiled and reached for Isak, immediately kissing him and wrapping him in a tight hug. Isak clung to him like he always tended to do, burying his face in Even’s neck.

“Come inside.”

They made it up to Even’s room, which he wished he’d tidied up a bit, and he turned to look at Isak. He was about to ask again how therapy went but he didn’t get a chance to get the words out. Isak slammed the door behind them and pinned Even to it, claiming his mouth and pushing their bodies together.

Isak was all tongue and grabby hands and Even was perfectly fine with it. He moaned into Isak’s mouth when Isak thrust against him. Even could feel how hard Isak already was which meant he had been thinking about Even on the way here; as he’d remembered which bus to take. Even broke the kiss and smiled.

“Did you get all hot and bothered on the way here thinking about me?” Even whispered, kissing Isak’s neck, wanting to suck a deep bruise there; claiming Isak as his.

“ _Yes.”_ Isak groaned. “God, Even _please_ fuck me.”

Even pulled back for a second, holding Isak’s chin up so he could actually look at the younger boy. Isak looked wrecked. He was panting and his pupils were blown and his hips kept thrusting slightly forward as if he couldn’t help it.

“Isak, are you sure?” Even asked, licking along Isak’s curved upper lip teasingly.

“Yes, Even. Don’t tease me please.” Isak begged, reaching up and running his hands through Even’s hair. Then he tugged on the strands, unintentionally discovering Even’s biggest turn on, and then Even didn’t question it any more. If Isak wanted it, Even was more than willing to give it to him.

They managed to detangle themselves in order to get into Even’s bed. Even made sure to grab lube before he came up to meet Isak, straddling him as he settled on top of him. He took Isak’s hat off and ran a hand through Isak’s hair.

Isak’s hands landed on Even’s ass, pulling him into Isak hard. They both moaned. Even was surprised by Isak’s forwardness but he continued not to question it. He just wanted to give Isak what he wanted.

“Have you ever done this?” Even asked between kisses, needing to know what kind of pace to set things at.

Isak shook his head, pausing a second to look up at Even. “Just you.”

Just Even? Did that mean Even had sort of taken Isak’s virginity the other day in the bathroom? Holy _fuck._ If he’d known that Even would have taken a second and slowed things down. He had just assumed Isak would have at least gotten a hand job or blow job before because hello had he seen himself? The guy was gorgeous.

Isak must have seen Even’s surprise in his face because he rushed on, saying “Don’t freak out. It’s fine. I want it to be you. Do whatever you want to me, Even.”

Even closed his eyes, equal parts arousal and fear seeping into his skin. Do whatever he wanted? Oh there were many things Even wanted to do, but Isak sounded…off. He sounded almost like he didn’t care. He just wanted something happening to his body. That wasn’t really how someone’s first time should be. The person should actually want it for themselves because they wanted sex, not because they were trying to _feel_ something.

Or, in Isak’s case, feel something _different_.

It hit Even then that Isak had just come back from therapy. Shit. Maybe that hadn’t gone so well and now Isak was trying to take his mind off of it. Which, okay, Even understood that. But Isak looked desperate; he looked almost the way Even felt when he was in the middle of an episode – charging forward and forward and forward and grasping onto things to make him feel alive. But in reality, he didn’t feel alive at all.

“Even, come on.” Isak insisted, thrusting his hips up to meet Even’s and trying to kiss him again. Even resisted being pulled into another make-out session, too aware now of Isak’s red-rimmed eyes and his flushed skin. Fuck, Isak looked shattered and it was then that Even realized it wasn’t from arousal.

“Isak, stop for a moment.” Even whispered, taking Isak’s hands and bringing them together between their chests.

“No, Even.” Isak squirmed under him, thrashing now. “Just keep going. What, do I have to beg?”

“Isak,” Even said in a serious tone, letting his weight drop on Isak to still his frantically moving hips. Even noticed that Isak wasn’t even hard anymore.

“What? Is it really so weird that I want you to fuck me? You can just tell me if you don’t want to. I don’t really care!” Isak shouted, tears streaming down his cheeks now as he looked angrily up at Even.

Even didn’t take it personally. He knew this wasn’t about him at all.

“Isak, I’m here. It’s okay.”

“Stop speaking to me like I’m crazy!” Isak yelled again, this time trying to get up from underneath Even.

Even moved, not wanting to crowd Isak and make his panic attack worse, but he didn’t go far. He gave Isak what space he could on his too-small bed and then waited for the boy’s next move. Isak shifted until he was lying on his side, facing away from Even.

“I’m not crazy. I’m not some infant either. I guess it makes sense that you wouldn’t want to fuck me considering all you’ve had to do is look after me like I’m a child.” Isak said, his words blending together until they were almost unrecognizable.

Isak said a few more hurtful things and Even remained quiet, waiting until the worst of the spiral was over. He just listened, trying to understand the storm that was happening inside of Isak. Waves of doubt and self-loathing were part of this storm, not to mention the fear of everyone leaving. Even didn’t know how he would make Isak believe that he really wasn’t going anywhere, but he would try everything until he found a way.

When Even thought Isak was ready, he reached his arm out and wrapped it around Isak’s middle, pulling the boy flush against his front. He nuzzled into Isak’s hair and kissed the back of his neck. Isak’s words died in his throat as Even held onto him and he became silent.

“I want you so bad, Isak. You don’t even know.” Even breathed the words out, keeping his voice low. “But not when you’re upset. I know you wanted me to make you feel better and I will try, but don’t let your first time be when you’re upset. Or sex in general when you’re upset. It won’t make you feel better. Sometimes it makes you feel worse.”

Isak grasped onto Even’s hand, entwining their fingers.

“And don’t be sorry.” Even said, knowing Isak was seconds away from apologizing. “Or I’ll have to spank you.” Even teased, kissing Isak’s neck once again and giving him a brief bite on his earlobe. Isak laughed and the sound made Even break out laughing too.

Even held onto Isak for a few more minutes, rubbing his arm and side. He was worried Isak may have fallen asleep again but then Isak spoke.

“My mom is schizophrenic. Dr. Henrick told me today.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me for all the angst and all of Isak's fragileness.. but he has gone through a lot and is only discovering now how much his mom's sickness has affected him. I thought it was more realistic to have Isak go through a lot of anxiety the first few days after being out of the hospital and trying to get back into the real world. It just happens to coincide with his new relationship with Even. 
> 
> Also, I am trying to throw fluff into the story where I can (i.e. the Isak and Jonas bromance and texting between Isak and Even). I realized early on this story was kind of a lot angsty and I want to write that.. but there are also going to be good things. Cute things. And more sexy things. I just have to write what I think is a normal amount of angst considering the subject matter. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> Comments always welcomed and appreciated :)


	6. Can't Pretend Anymore

**2.5 hours earlier**

Isak sat across the desk from Dr. Big-Nose, trying not to jump out of his chair and run out of the room. The guy wouldn’t stop staring at Isak, waiting for him to begin. He had told Isak they could talk about whatever Isak wanted and when he was ready to speak he could start. That had been fifteen minutes ago. Isak still didn’t know what the fuck to say.

Dr. Big-Nose looked unaffected and kept a smile permanently across his lips. Isak wished he could punch him right in his stupid, hideous nose.

“So, is this what therapy is? Because if so, I think it’s a fucking waste of time.” Isak finally spat out, his voice louder than he’d planned.

“Why is that, Isak?”

“You’re just staring at me! It’s kind of weird.” Isak admitted, avoiding eye contact and decided to look out the window.

“I thought I would let you begin. But I can ask some questions if you really have nothing to tell me.” Dr. Big-Nose replied, his voice neutral as ever. Isak just nodded and had a brief thought where he compared Dr. Big-Nose to Hannibal Lecter; they had the same level voice that gave nothing away.

Here’s to hoping Dr. Big-Nose didn’t like his meat human-rare.

“How has school been?”

Isak actually laughed out loud at the question. Seriously? He just sounded like Isak’s father and Isak knew Dr. Big-Nose didn’t have any more interest in Isak’s day at school than his own father would have either.

“This is stupid. If I wanted someone to pretend to care about my day at school I would have just gone home. See you later.” Isak mumbled, standing up to leave. He was so out of here.

“You think nobody cares how your day was?” Dr. Big-Nose asked, stopping Isak in his tracks; his hand on the doorknob. “I do care about your day, Isak and everything else in your life.”

“That’s _weird_!” Isak exclaimed, throwing his hands up in exasperation. “Why do you care so much?”

“You’re my patient. You’ve gone through a trauma. Contrary to your belief, I care about all my patients and want to see them well again. I can’t know how they’re doing if they don’t talk to me, though.” Dr. Big-Nose continued, and Isak didn’t know why he was so goddamn irritated by this guy.

“But you’re paid to care. It’s not the same thing.” Isak knew he sounded childish but he couldn’t stop himself. He didn’t know why he had to try and open up about shit to someone who didn’t know him and who didn’t really care beyond getting their pay check.

“Please come and sit back down.” The doctor requested, ignoring Isak’s statement. “We still have half an hour.”

Isak rolled his eyes but walked back to his chair, plunking himself down with a loud sigh.

Dr. Big-Nose took a moment before he asked his next question. “Do you have a good relationship with you father?”

“Nope.” Isak quickly replied.

“Do you spend time together?”

“Nope.”

“Never?”

“He works a lot.”

Dr. Big-Nose wrote something down and then asked, “And your mother…how long has she been ill?”

Isak scoffed, looking away. “That’s a nice word.”

Dr. Big-Nose frowned. “You don’t believe she’s ill?”

“I believe she’s fucking crazy. Cuckoo-bananas.” Isak laughed but the sound was empty.

Again, Dr. Big-Nose wrote something down. Isak was getting angrier and angrier by the second but he still didn’t know why. He just hated everything about therapy and being here and he just wanted to be with Even.

“I noticed you haven’t asked about her.” Dr. Big-Nose stated calmly, again his face remained neutral and Isak was seething in his chair now. “Do you want to know how she is doing?”

“No.” Isak growled. “No, because I don’t care. I’m just glad she’s out of my life.”

There was a long pause before Dr. Big-Nose said, “So you don’t plan to speak to her anymore?”

“Nope. I’m done.”

“Why is that?”

“Because I don’t need crazy people in my life!” Isak shouted, kicking the side of Dr. Big-Nose’s desk. “I don’t need to deal with her bull shit anymore. She’s never there for me so why should I keep bothering to be there for her? It’s not worth it. Nobody sticks around.” Isak rambled, on a roll now. “My dad hates being around her. That’s why he’s always gone. My mom’s siblings don’t speak to her. She has no friends, no job, no _life._ And she’s never tried to get better! All she does is talk about aliens and God and I hate her. I hate her so fucking much.”

Isak was left panting after his unexpected speech. He stared at Dr. Big-Nose, feeling embarrassment creep up his neck. He hadn’t meant to say all that.

“I understand, Isak. Do you feel she abandoned you?”

“Of course she did. Everyone does.” Isak snapped, again wishing he hadn’t said anything at all. He sounded like a whiney child even to himself.

“Since you said you don’t want to know how she’s doing, I won’t go into detail. But I do want you to know her diagnosis. It might help put things into perspective for you.” Dr. Big-Nose said, ignoring Isak’s comment about everyone leaving him.

“I doubt it.”

Dr. Big-Nose sighed before saying, “Your mother has been diagnosed with schizophrenia. Her mind tells her what is real, which sometimes means she thinks aliens are watching her. It is not easy for her to see reality.”

Isak didn’t bother responding. He knew his mother didn’t understand what was real. He knew she self-medicated with alcohol and it only made her hallucinations worse. Knowing she had some kind of mental illness didn’t change anything or make it feel better. If anything, it just made it worse. She literally belonged in a mental institution. He couldn’t pretend that it was just the alcohol anymore.

“I have to go.” Isak interrupted, getting up once again and walking right out of the room – no longer able to sit and listen to the doctor. He walked out of the building and headed towards the bus stop – this time knowing which one would take him to Even’s part of town.

He wandered for a bit once he arrived. He wanted to try and calm his mind before he saw Even. He wanted to be a normal boyfriend and not just talk to Even about how fucked everything was in his life. He wanted to ask Even about his life and his dreams and memorize the guy’s eye colour. He didn’t want to end up clinging to Even like he was the only thing able to help Isak breathe.

He bought some McDonalds but it upset his stomach almost instantly. He stayed in the restaurant though, playing games on his phone; trying to just zone out and not think. It didn’t work. The game only made his mind feel more chaotic.

It was around 17:45 when Isak decided he would just go to Even’s house. He wasn’t calm but nothing seemed to be working and he wanted Even. He wanted his smell and his smile and everything to do with him.

As Isak walked he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He took it out and saw his father’s number. For some reason Isak decided to pick up.

“Hello?”

“Isak, where the hell are you?” His father immediately shouted.

“Out.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m out!” Isak repeated, matching his father’s speaking volume.

“Isak, what is your problem? Why haven’t you been coming home? Mom isn’t even here right now. She’s in the hospital, doing a lot better. Not like you’ve asked or cared. I mean, just what the _hell_ is your problem?”

Isak stopped walking; the world around him turning hazy. He was dimly aware that his hands were shaking and his heart was throbbing in his neck, making him feel sick. But what he mostly felt was the pure, acidic hatred that he had harboured for a long time for his father bubble up until it touched the back of his throat.

“What is my problem?” Isak asked, surprised that his voice was now a whisper.

“Yes, what is your problem?” His father scoffed, like Isak was an idiot and hadn’t understood the question.

“My problem is that you are full of shit!” Isak actually screamed the words this time, no longer caring that someone might hear him in the street. “My problem is that you think you can lecture me after everything you’ve put me through. I have been the only one taking care of mom. You left! You always leave because you don’t want to deal with the fact that your wife is crazy! You left me for days to make sure she didn’t fall and break her arm again, or try and burn the goddamn house down. I’m the one who did it all! Me! Not you and not anyone else.”

“Isak, stop yelling!”

“ _NO!”_ Isak continued. “You want to know why I’m not home? Because I don’t want to look at you! I don’t want to see you or speak to you because you didn’t even come and see me in the hospital! You didn’t bother to show your face. You didn’t want to see what this all did to me. You think I’m fucked up too! You think you can speak to me like you speak to her – like she isn’t even a person. Like you know everything and everyone else doesn’t know shit. You want to know what my fucking problem is, Dad? My problem is you and it’s Mom and it’s everything you both haven’t done – which is to put _me_ first!”

There was silence on the other end of the line as Isak breathed heavily, gulping in one lungful of air after another so his head would stop pounding.

“Isak, I’m sorry.” His father finally said, the words barely a whisper.

Isak laughed like it was funniest thing in the world. “It’s too fucking late, Dad. Fuck you. I’ll have a roommate by tomorrow. I don’t need your money, either. You can keep it for Mom.”

Isak disconnected the call and continued walking. He expected that he’d cry again, but this time his eyes were dry. He didn’t have any tears to shed for his father.

Isak waited outside of Even’s house, still debating about whether or not to call him. He kept thinking he should just leave the guy alone – let him have a normal life without Isak’s bullshit. But Isak was selfish and he craved Even; the one person who believed in Isak more than he believed in himself.

_I’m outside your house._

**

**Now**

Isak waited for Even to reply, suddenly wishing he could see Even’s face. He didn’t know how he’d reply if someone had just told him their mom was schizophrenic. He might have been lost for words as well.

“How do you feel about that?” Even asked, rubbing circles on Isak’s stomach.

Isak swallowed hard. “I guess it makes sense. She sees things that aren’t real. She always thinks aliens are watching our house.” Admitting it out loud made Isak’s heart clench. He couldn’t help but think this would make Even want to have nothing to do with him. Crazy genes and all that.

“I’m sorry you’ve had to see her like that, Isak. That must have been hard.” Even whispered, kissing the back of Isak’s neck again and again softly.

Isak closed his eyes, unable to keep them open for what he was going to say next. “She’s why I was in the hospital. She…she was having an episode for days and didn’t sleep. I missed four days of school and stayed awake with her…I didn’t want her to get hurt. She sometimes falls or tries to hurt herself.”

“Isak…”

“The doctors say the sleep deprivation put me in a state. I couldn’t stop yelling. I was…gone. I went just as crazy as she did.”

Even stilled behind him. Isak could feel the sudden change in Even’s body, the grip he had on Isak tightening.

“I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to deal with someone who has a crazy mother. Someone who is crazy too. I never wanted to ruin your life…” Isak continued, just putting it all out there; not wanting to hide anymore. Even had to know the truth and then he could make up his mind about wanting to date Isak – date the real him.

“Isak, I want you to listen to me, okay?” Even asked, pulling Isak hard into his chest and nuzzling his face into Isak’s ear. “I know we just met and I know this has kind of been a whirlwind…”

Ha. Isak wanted to laugh because he’d thought the same thing. _Whirlwind romance._

“But Isak…I want _you._ That doesn’t just mean physically. I want everything that you are. I don’t believe you’re crazy or your mom is crazy. I think people get sad. People have things about their brains that they can’t control. But it’s okay.” Even explained. “What matters is how you get better. How you move on. And I’ll be here, Isak. I’m here in the part of your life where you get to move on. And if you’ll still have me, I want to be there for your future too.”

Isak turned, lying to face Even and he reached for him immediately. He pushed his face into Even’s neck and kissed him there, and then his cheek and his jaw and all the way until their lips met.

“You’re the only thing I see in my future.” Isak whispered after they’d kissed for a few minutes.

Even smiled at him, the skin around his eyes crinkling. It was adorable.

“What does our future look like?” Even prompted, genuine interest in his tone.

Isak blushed because the first thing that came to mind was, “Lots of sex.”

Even belly-laughed. “Oh yeah? Just sex? And here I was thinking you actually had some depth, Isak.”

“Nope. Just a horny teenage boy who likes to fantasize about his boyfriend. Nothing else here. Sorry if you were misinformed.”

Next thing Isak knew Even was on top of him, his arms pinned in Even’s grasp above his head. He was still laughing as they wrestled but as their groins aligned, Isak gasped and it broke the comedic atmosphere. And when Even moved so Isak’s legs were around his waist, his weight bearing down and putting pressure on Isak’s dick, all Isak could feel was lust.

He moved his arms from where they were pinned above him and put them unceremoniously on Even’s ass, pulling him into Isak even harder. Even was the one to gasp this time.

“Isak…God, I want you. But today has been stressful. I don’t want you to think you have to do this.” Even whispered, kissing Isak’s neck.

“This isn’t like before. I don’t want to feel something different because I’m upset. I want to feel you because I want _you_. Please, Even.” Isak begged, knowing he would lose his mind if Even turned him down.

Luckily, Even tilted Isak’s head up for a better angle and began tongue-fucking Isak’s mouth as an answer.

**

Even could feel how badly Isak wanted him. Isak was pawing at him with a fervor Even had missed during sex; the all-consuming passion of being with someone the first few times. It was unlike anything else.

Even wanted to do this right. He wanted to show Isak how badly Even wanted him. Part of him wanted to prolong it, stretch it out and have Isak whimpering underneath him, saying things like _now yes please please do it I can’t wait anymore._ But that was for another time. Now, Even just wanted to see Isak come apart; see the release and relief on Isak’s soft features again.

Even pushed both their jeans down, shucking them to the end of his bed. He managed to get Isak’s shirts off pretty quickly as well, leaving the boy naked and at his mercy. Isak looked too far gone to feel vulnerable or embarrassed. He just reached for Even who was only half naked now and brought him back down overtop Isak, lining up their cocks. Even thrust down and Isak wailed into his mouth before throwing his head back panting.

“Fuck, you want it so bad.” Even said, smirking a little. But he was mostly just transfixed.

He couldn’t remember being with someone who wanted him the way Isak did. Sure, people chased Even and he’d slept with his fair share of people. But nobody silently begged Even with every move of their bodies. Nobody made the kind of sounds Isak did because of Even’s touch, like every breath was a plea.

Even reached a hand between them and took both their lengths into his hand, pumping hard but slow; teasing them both. Isak moaned again, clutching onto Even’s hips; unconsciously pulling Even into him and causing their steady rhythm. Even could feel how much Isak was leaking over his fingers and that made him groan loudly.

“Doing so good, Isak. Fuck. So good for me.”

Isak pulled Even to him suddenly and kissed him, locking their mouths together as Isak whined high in this throat. Even was confused for a second but then he realized that Isak was coming, shooting over Even’s fingers and their stomachs without warning. Isak stopped pulling Even into him and went still, panting into Even’s mouth.

Even stroked a hand through Isak’s hair, trying to let him know it was okay. And hot. _Really_ fucking hot that Even seemed able to get Isak there so fast.

Isak moved his hand and shoved Even’s away until Isak had Even’s cock in his own hand, stroking Even the way he’d just been stroking both of them. Even braced himself on one arm and stared down at Isak, so close already too. God this boy did things to him.

“Yeah, that’s it. So good.” Even mumbled, not really coherent anymore.

“Want to feel it.” Isak whispered suddenly, his mouth next to Even’s ear a second later. “Wanna feel you come for me.”

Even hadn’t heard Isak talk during sex before and it was a thing he didn’t know he desperately needed in his life until now. Next thing he knew he was coming hard into Isak’s hand, Isak’s words tipping him over the edge like a gun shot.

**

When Isak asked if he could stay the night, Even only had one question.

“Do we need to buy you some clean underwear? Considering you haven’t been home in a couple of days.”

Isak had blushed and said something about have extras that he kept with him for gym class. Even had been happy then and they settled in his too small bed, all their limbs wrapped around each other. Isak drifted off quickly after placing a quick kiss to Even’s lips.

Even was awake until nearly 2 in the morning, his mind restless. He couldn’t stop thinking about what Isak had said. His mom was schizophrenic. He was terrified of it, that much was clear. He had been in the hospital because he’d had to take care of someone who was having an episode.

Isak had seen enough people acting “crazy” around him. If Even told him the truth now, right when everything was fresh, about his own mentally ill brain…Isak would run. He wouldn’t be able to handle it. Even couldn’t tell Isak about his own insomnia when he was manic…how he didn’t sleep for days and days and it was okay. He just kept going. He couldn’t let Isak _see_ that either. Not yet.

Even told himself that again and again. He wouldn’t lie to Isak. It wouldn’t be some huge secret. He would tell Isak eventually, just not yet.

_Someone who is crazy too._

Isak’s words from earlier were the last thing Even thought of before he drifted to sleep, humorlessly whispering “if you only knew” as he closed his eyes.


	7. It's Not Weird

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My life is currently HELLA stressful. As much as I would love to dedicate my life to writing this universe, I unfortunately cannot. Updates may be slightly slower, but I'm still super pumped to continue this :)   
> Comments always welcome and appreciated!

Isak woke up the next morning with his face pressed into Even’s chest and a throbbing pain in his temple. He blinked his eyes open hesitantly and glanced up at Even who was still fast asleep. Isak smiled at Even’s ability to be beautiful even with his mouth hanging open. He sat up as slow as he could, trying to get his mind to focus.

It took him about three minutes of blearily looking around to remember what had happened yesterday. He’d argued with his father, walked out on his therapist and had sex with Even. Shit. Well, one third of the day at least was awesome.

But now he was left with the reality of having to find a roommate, and figuring out a way to pay rent…which would be difficult considering he had no money of his own. Fuck.

Isak was still mentally paralyzed when he felt a hand run up and down his back soothingly. He turned his head and saw Even smiling at him. And that alone was enough to set Isak’s mind at ease. For the moment.

“I was right.” Even said, his voice thick with sleep.

“About what?”

“Your hair _is_ messy and curlier in the mornings.” Even chuckled, sitting up and running a hand through Isak’s hair, making Isak duck his head in embarrassment.

“Shut up.” Isak muttered, feeling his face heat up.

“It’s adorable.” Even mused, kissing Isak’s cheek. He wrapped his arms around Isak and pulled the younger boy back down to pretty much the same position they had been in when Isak woke up. “How are you, baby?” Even asked.

 _Baby._ What a fucking idiot, Isak mused to himself. _I’m kind of already in love._

“I have to find a roommate.” Isak sighed, the words bringing back the onslaught of his headache. “And I told my dad yesterday that I didn’t want his money.”

“You spoke with your father?”

“Yeah. He called me. I yelled at him.” Isak admitted, wondering how Even would think of him now; knowing that Isak didn’t have a good relationship with either of his parents.

“Was he rude?”

Isak nodded, unsure of what else to say.

“Well, good for you then. Sometimes parents need to be told.” Even shrugged.

Isak was taken aback by the casualness of Even’s reaction. Most people scolded Isak for speaking to his parents the way he did. Isak couldn’t quite believe Even was being so non-judgemental because really? Who the fuck was actually like that?

“You look skeptical.”

“Well, _yeah._ Like what the fuck? Who even are you?” Isak asked before he could stop himself.

“I’m Even, nice to meet you. We slept together last night. I’m a real catch.” Even winked, pulling Isak closer to him as they laughed.

“I just mean… _how_ are you always so chill? I feel like I’m in fucking shambles compared to you or whatever.”

Even was quiet for a while, making Isak nervous. But he waited until Even was ready to speak.

“I’ve just been through some similar shit as you. I get it. I know panic attacks. I know what it’s like to have parent issues. I’ve been in therapy.” Again, Even just shrugged and Isak was kind of floored.

It also occurred to Isak just then that he hadn’t really asked Even about his own shit – why he was seeing Dr. Big-Nose and what he meant by “I know panic attacks.” Isak felt a pang of guilt surge through him. Even had been nothing but good to him and Isak had barely asked Even two questions about himself.

“So…what’s your story then?” Isak asked tentatively.

Even chuckled. “What?”

“I haven’t really heard your story. Everything has been about me. And that sucks. I want to know you.” Isak said, petrified that Even believed that he didn’t care about Even’s life.

“We have five minutes before we have to get ready for school.” Even sighed, smirking down at Isak. “Cliff notes version?”

“Yes please.”

“I’m Even and I like films and Nas and Isak who goes to Nissen.” Even began. _The stupid adorable idiot._ “I go to Bakka, and I’m trying to get my life together. Things sucked for a while. I was depressed. I had a long-term girlfriend named Sonja and she was great for a long time, but then she became more like my mother than my girlfriend. So we broke up and it was sad but I’ve since gotten over it. I see Dr. Henrick every week because he insists on it, but it’s kind of weird for a lot of reasons. And this is my cue to tickle you until you get out of my bed and get ready for school. I have an omelette to make you.”

Even lunged for Isak then, tickling his sides and making Isak squeal with laughter.

“Dude, your bed is up high!”

“Better watch your step then!”

Isak nearly fell on his face getting down the ladder, but he made it; panting from the force of his laughter. He managed to glare up at Even who looked smug.

“Bastard.”

**

The omelette was delicious and Isak didn’t want the morning to end. He didn’t want to go to school or deal with homework or his father or anything. He just wanted to keep being in Even’s kitchen in the morning sunlight, sipping coffee and stealing kisses.

They walked out the door together but had to take separate buses. As Even waited with Isak at his stop – at his own insistence, Isak had tried to make him just leave – he held Isak close to his chest and Isak didn’t stop him. He breathed Even in, trying to soak up all the courage Even gave him to get through the day.

“Isak?”

“Hmm?”

“If you need help with rent money, I can do that for you.”

Isak pulled back enough to look at Even. “What?”

“You said you don’t want your father’s money. I get that. I can help pay for a few month’s rent for you if you need it.” Even said, his voice calm. Isak frowned.

“ _What?”_

“Should we get your hearing checked?” Even teased, smiling.

But Isak wasn’t amused at all. “You just have that kind of money? What the hell?”

“My family is well off. I have a trust-fund.”

“But…you…” Isak sputtered. “You don’t even know me! You don’t just give money to people like that, Even.”

“I would do it for you, Isak. If it helps you be free.”

“Be free?”

“Being out of your parent’s house. You deserve a break. A chance to start again.” Even said, sounding as earnest as he always did. Isak was going to reply but then Even said, “Your bus is here.”

Isak looked up and saw that that was in fact true. But how the fuck was he supposed to get on a bus now and go to school when Even had just offered him _that?_

Even pulled Isak by his neck into a deep, quick kiss and then turned Isak around; well more like, manhandled Isak to turn around as the bus doors opened. “Text me. I’m here if you need me, okay?”

Isak didn’t have time to reply but he managed a wave and a nod, his brain still trying to catch up.

He nearly missed his bus stop.

**

“You offered him _what?”_ Mikael exclaimed, his mouth hanging open which was awful because he had just taken a huge bite of his sandwich.

“Dude, close your damn mouth.” Even ordered, frowning at his oldest friend.

Mikael swallowed but then practically shouted, “Even, bro! What the actual fuck?”

“Why is it so weird? Huh? Tell me why it’s so damn weird.”

“Ugh, you just met the guy? You literally owe him nothing. You just started dating. I know he has, like, issues and shit, but man! C’mon! You don’t see how _weird_ that is, just offering some kid money?” Mikael explained, shaking his head.

“It’s different.” Even muttered, no longer hungry for his lunch. He hadn’t heard from Isak all day, not even after Even had sent him some memes and heart emojis. He was kind of panicking now that he’d scared Isak away.

“Why, though?”

“It just is, okay? Everything feels so…incredible with him. From the fucking second I saw him there was something between us. Something I’ve never felt before. I don’t want to lose that and I am fucking done seeing him suffer.”

Mikael was silent, but he didn’t stop staring at Even. It was making Even uneasy so he finally looked back at his friend and shouted, “What?”

“Are you sure you don’t feel like this Even because…”

“I’m stopping you right there, Mikael. I am _not_ manic.”

“But you never recognize when you’re manic! Not until you crash. Bro, I’ve seen it many times. So has Sonja.” Mikael said, a sadness to his voice that Even couldn’t stand.

“Don’t talk to me about Sonja.”

“I’m just saying that she knows you well.”

Even stood up from where they had been sitting outside Bakka, actually feeling enraged now. “She thinks so! She thought she knew me better than I knew myself for almost three years! And now you think you know me better than I know myself too? You think I can’t ever actually feel something because I feel it? Do I always have to be manic to feel something so intensely?”  

“Geeze, dude, calm down.” Mikael pleaded.

“No. I’m fucking done. See you later.” Even snapped, picking up his bag and walking away.

He’d missed too much school already but he couldn’t stand being in class today anymore. He walked around, eventually stopping at a café and grabbing some coffee. He sat in the window booth and drew some cartoons, mostly ones of him and Isak doing cute things. Like this morning when they’d shared breakfast.

He’d pretty much given up hope of Isak texting him back when suddenly Isak did text him back. He nearly threw his phone into his face because he was so eager to read the message.

The message began with five red hearts, which made Even smile.

_I didn’t mean to freak out this morning. I just didn’t realize you had that kind of money. I will pay you back. Every cent. And you will let me pay you back or else I won’t take the money at all._

Even typed his reply in about two seconds. _Deal. Now we just need to find you a roommate._

Isak: _I’ve been asking around. No luck so far._

Even: _I’ll look into it as well. You going home tonight or what is your plan?_

Isak: _I need some clothes and school books from home. I told my dad I wouldn’t be staying there anymore after yesterday. Jonas said I can crash at his._

Even was slightly disappointed Isak hadn’t asked to stay over at his place again, but then he let go of the thought. Isak needed to do whatever was best for him and Even could tell Jonas really cared.

Isak: _…I didn’t want to ask you again. :S_

Even: _You can always come to mine, Isak. But it’s whatever you want, okay? No pressure._

Isak: _Thanks :) maybe for tonight I’ll just stay with Jonas. His mom is insisting, apparently._

Even’s phone vibrated, indicating that he had a facebook message. He checked it and he saw he was invited into a group chat called ‘the bros <333.’ He accepted and immediately started laughing.

Magnus: _Eveeeennnnnnn!_

Mahdi: _Sup bro??_

Jonas: _I told you assholes to be normal._

Magnus: _Have you met us? Seriously? The fuck?_

Isak: _Jonas…why…the fuck…_

Even: _HI GUYS_

Isak: _Don’t listen to anything they say, Even._

Magnus: _One time Isak was at a party and he was stoned out of his mind. He tried eating a first year’s house plant because he thought it was broccoli_

Mahdi: _haha dude that was awesome_

Isak: MAGNUS YOU MOTHERFUCKER

Even: _LOL geeze Isak didn’t know you liked your greens that much_

Isak: _I’m leaving this convo. See you fucking never_

Mahdi: _I’m the most normal of all these bitches. Just so you know, Even_

Magnus: _EVAK FOREVER_

Even laughed out loud to himself as the messages kept pouring in. Eventually Isak messaged him on his own.

Isak: _Magnus won’t stop referring to us as Evak now. We officially have a ship name. Magnus is actually a 12 year old girl_

Even: _I think there is a nice ring to it ;)_

Isak: _THIS IS NOT TUMBLR FOR FUCK’S SAKE_

Even: _Now who is the dramatic 12 year old girl, hmm?_

Isak: _That’s it. We’re over. Nice knowing you._

Even: _Aww baby you know you can’t resist me_

Isak: _Here I am – resisting_

Even: _Nope. Even though we’re apart my awesomeness sucks you in like a force_

Isak: _You’re stupid_

Even: _You’re stupid…ly adorable :P_

Isak: _OMG_

**

Even was home, sitting in bed at 17:30 when Isak texted him next.  

Isak: _You live alone don’t you?_

Even laughed to himself, suddenly aware of how oblivious Isak was.

Even: _Yes I do_

Isak: _I’m sorry I literally don’t know anything about you yet_

Even: _It’s okay baby, we have time_

Isak: “ _Baby”…_

Even: _Would you prefer gumdrop? Muffin? Sweetheart?_

Isak: _OMG stop_

Even: _Babe? Honey?_

Isak: _STFU you absolute lame-o_

Even: _LAME-O?! What is this, 5 th grade?? _

Isak: _I have homework to do and you’re distracting me_

Even: _You texted me first! And also…on a serious note, everything go okay with going back to your house tonight?_

Isak: _Yeah, my dad wasn’t there luckily_

Even: _Good. And no panic attacks today?_

Isak: _I managed to be a normal person today too. Look at me go_

Even: _I’m glad baby_

Isak: _Can we go on a real date? I want to start this all again so we don’t begin our relationship with me having about ten mental breakdowns_

Even: _Of course we can ;) let’s just make it to Friday, yeah?_

Isak: _Okay :P_

Even: _Have fun with Jonas. Talk tomorrow xo_

Isak: _Goodnight XO_

Even: _Trying to upstage my hugs and kisses, are you? XOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOX_

Isak: _You are so weird_

Even: _You love me ;)_

Shit. Even had sent that before he could really think about it. It was all a part of bantering back and forth, but shit. Even really needed to stop scaring Isak; laying it on too thick.

Isak: _You’re not wrong._

Even dropped his phone on his face. 


	8. Do You Realize

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um...I had some spare time today and wrote more. What can I say, I am kind of addicted to this damn universe.  
> This chapter was supposed to be all cheesiness...and it is...but it also got really deep by the end. And really explicit. So..sexy times ahead, ye be warned! :)

Mikael: _If your boyfriend is still looking for a roommate, I know someone._

Even: _Thanks, man. Send me their info?_

Mikael: _Sure. Also, I’m sorry if I was rude yesterday. Just looking out for you, bro. I care._

Even: _I know Mikael. Thanks._

Mikael: _Np. Also, let me meet this dude at some point yeah?_

Even: _LOL sure. Let me have a real date with him first though._

**

Eskild: _Hi Isak. Heard you need a room. I have one if you’re interested. 4000kroner. Looking for first month’s rent in about a week!!!!_

Isak: _Can I come see it today?_

Eskild: _Of course! :P :P_

**

Isak: _This dude texts like a chick._

Even: _LOL meaning what exactly?_

Isak: _He uses a lot of emojis and exclamation marks?_

Even: _Have you seen your friends’ group chat?_

Isak: _…Right. I forgot you’re in that still…_

Even: _And you sent me a text yesterday that began with heart emojis…_

Isak: _OKAY I GET THE POINT_

Even: _hehe :P_

**

**the bros <333**

Magnus: _Even my man..come and see Isak today. He is a pissy little shit without you_

Mahdi: _agreed_

Isak: WHAT

Magnus: _don’t deny it Isak like seriously…all you’ve done today is stare at your phone and say that Even hasn’t messaged you_

Isak: _MAGNUS I WILL MURDER YOU_

Magnus: _Mmhmm, sure_

Isak: _I’m sitting right next to you idiot_

Magnus: _EVEN YOUR BOYFRIEND JUST PULLED MY HAIR_

Even: _Kinky Isak…I thought that was just for me? ;) ;)_

Jonas: _No sex talk in this chat boys!_

Isak: _You talk about blowjobs all the time, Jonas STFU_

Jonas: _I do not!_

Mahdi: _yea you kind of did, man. Like…three days ago. Even you didn’t witness this but it’s true_

Jonas: _ugh_

Magnus: _anyways Eveeennnn come and see your boy today. He needs your looooovveeeee <3 <3 _

Isak: _Magnus I swear to god…_

Magnus: _OW okay now you’re playing dirty. Hands above the goddamn table dude_

Even: _Do I have some competition??_

Isak: _NO WTF everyone needs to calm down_

Magnus: _Your boyfriend elbowed me in the dick_

Isak: _MAGNUS NO WHAT THE FUCKING HELL_

Magnus: _JK Even, no dick touching ;) but my ribs hurt, Isak you ass_

Even: _you guys make my day :D :D lmao_

**

Isak: _omg don’t encourage Magnus he will never stop now_

Even: _sorry, but he is kind of hilarious :P how is your day going baby? Sorry I haven’t replied I was trying to catch up on work I missed_

Isak: _missed because of me?_

Even: _No, missed because I was lazy and didn’t do it_

Isak: … _okay, if you say so_

Even: _I do say so ;) now tell me about your day_

Isak: _it’s been fine. I’m seeing that room after school. Tell your friend thanks from me_

Even: _already did ;) want me to come with you?_

Isak: _sure if you want_

Even: _I’ll meet you there then_

Isak: _Thank you_

Even: _For what?_

Isak: _For being you_

**

“Isak!” A tall, blonde boy exclaimed the second he opened the door. He rushed up into Isak’s space immediately and hugged him, rendering Isak speechless.

What. The. Hell.

“It’s so nice to meet you! Please come in.”

Isak was assuming this was Eskild. It didn’t surprise Isak considering how the boy sounded through texting. His personality in real life matched. Bubbly and exuberant and totally gay. Like _gay-_ gay _._ Isak smiled to himself as Eskild walked him through the house, showing Isak every room. Finally they got to the room where Isak would be staying.

“It’s simple, but what more do you need, right?” Eskild beamed, his arm raised so Isak could walk past and examine the space.

“Yeah, it’s great.” Isak said. He took out his phone and looked for any messages from Even. He was supposed to be here but he hadn’t showed up, or messaged Isak.

Isak tried not to worry but he was failing.

“So, what do you think?” Eskild asked, suddenly right behind Isak. “I don’t want to sound over-eager but we really need someone fast. I think you’d fit in perfectly with me and Linn. Hmm?”

Eskild’s eyes were practically bulging out of his face from the force of his smile. Isak raised his eyebrows and opened his mouth to answer, but he didn’t really have words. He didn’t know what to say or what to ask. He’d never been apartment-hunting before. He wished Even was here. He would know what to say.

“Isak?” Eskild prompted again, now looking concerned. “Sorry, am I pressuring you? I know I can come off kind of strong.”

 _Kind of strong is putting it nicely,_ Isak thought. But he smiled and shook his head. “No, sorry you’re fine. I just haven’t done this before.”

Eskild nodded, seeming to understand. Isak was about to say ‘let me think about it’ when suddenly the doorbell rang. Eskild practically sprinted towards the door, leaving Isak alone in the room. He felt like he could breathe again. Eskild was quite the force of nature.

He heard muffled voices coming from the doorway. Isak looked out the window, distracted. His mind was racing. Would he like it here? Would it be okay living with people who were virtual strangers? How would he move everything like his bed from his parents house?

“Hey.”

The smooth voice came from behind Isak, sending a rush of heat through him. He turned and saw Even standing there looking breathless and windblown and so gorgeous Isak suppressed a moan. Good fucking god, did Isak really get to call this guy his?

“Sorry I’m late. I got on the wrong bus by accident and then my phone died.” Even explained, coming towards Isak and placing a kiss on Isak’s cheek.

“That’s all right.” Isak replied, reaching for Even on instinct now. He pushed his face into Even’s neck and let out the breath he didn’t know he’d been holding.

“You two are adorable!” Eskild practically shouted, making Isak jump. He didn’t pull away from Even though, just laughed and felt himself blush.

“Thanks.” Even said, smiling brightly at Eskild. “Can you fill me in on what I missed?”

Isak held hands with Even as Eskild did the tour again, talking vibrantly with his hands and laughing too loud. Even was polite throughout the tour, raising his eyebrows secretly at Isak when Eskild’s back was turned and stealing quiet kisses too.

“And of course this takes us back to Isak’s room.” Eskild concluded, clapping his hands together and looking back and forth quickly between Isak and Even. “Thoughts?”

Isak didn’t have time to reply because the next thing he knew, Even said, “He’ll take it.”

**

“Even, no!”

“Yes, Isak!”

“Absolutely not!”

“Isak, come on.”

They were lying on Even’s couch, arms wrapped around each other; Isak’s face buried between Even’s cheek and the back of the couch. Isak was smiling hard at Even’s insistence, but holy fucking hell this couldn’t go on. People didn’t do this.

“You will need a bed, baby. And a dresser. And a TV.”

“Just how rich are you exactly?”

Even raised his eyebrows at the question. Well, Even raised his eyebrows at everything Isak was coming to discover, but he did it a lot when he was feeling silly. Isak didn’t think this was a laughing matter.

“Do you want numbers?” Even teased, rubbing a soft hand across Isak’s hip.

“No! Ugh. I just mean… _how_ can you afford to pay Eskild two months rent and buy me new furniture? A simple sleeping bag will suffice!”

“You will _not_ be sleeping in a fucking sleeping bag on hardwood floors, Isak.” Even stated simply, clicking his tongue.

“I can get my bed from home. And my dresser. And…”

Even held a finger up to Isak’s lips, shushing him into silence. “New beginnings means new everything. And this way you don’t have to go back to your house at all. You got everything else of yours when you went back right?”

“Yeah, it’s at Jonas’s. His mom helped me get it all.” Isak said sheepishly, suddenly aware of how much everyone around him was doing to help him. He didn’t feel like he deserved it, especially not everything Even was offering.

“There you go. We’ll go shopping tomorrow after school.” Even nodded, closing his eyes and sighing like he was completely content.

Isak was still reeling from the fact that he had an apartment and a boyfriend and was apparently getting new furniture tomorrow. Like what even was his life anymore?

“Stop thinking.” Even whispered, his eyes still closed. Isak continued to stare at his boyfriend, his mouth hanging open in shock.

“But…you…this…Even you can’t do this!”

Even opened his eyes and started laughing like Isak had said the funniest thing in the world. “You’re so cute.”

“Ugh!”

**

It was early morning when Isak stirred awake. He blinked his eyes open and saw that he’d fallen asleep on Even’s couch hours before. They were still in the same position and his neck was kind of sore, but he didn’t want to lose Even’s warmth. He burrowed himself in deeper, hugging Even to him.

“Hey,” Even whispered sleepily, his arms coming around to wrap Isak up just as tightly. “Guess we fell asleep.”

Isak chuckled. “Yeah, guess so.”

“Want to move to my bed?”

“It’s not much bigger than this couch.” Isak teased, kissing Even’s neck.

“You’re right. I’m going to have to get a bigger one for you.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. That way when I sleep over we can both have enough room.” Even said, placing soft kisses on Isak’s forehead.

Isak considered this but then decided, “No. Don’t buy me a big bed. Make it just as big as yours. Then you can’t move away from me when we’re sleeping.”

“Isak, what a sap you are.” Even giggled – actually _giggled._

“Excuse me? _I’m_ the sap? Even, do you even know what you’ve done for me the past few days? Do you realize…”

Even cut him off by singing. “Do you reeeeallizzeeee? That you have the most beautiful face?? Do YOUUUU REEEAALLLIIIIIIIIZZZEE?”

“Oh my God.”

Even laughed so hard he fell off the couch, landing with a loud thump. Isak sat up and smirked at him, not feeling bad for Even at all.

“You deserved that.”

“Yeah?” Even’s eyebrows were raised. Shit.

Isak nodded, trying to stand his ground. He stood up from the couch and backed away from Even, knowing the older boy was going to lunge at him in about two seconds.

“Well, you asked for this!” Even said, launching himself at Isak who began to run around the living room squealing. He managed to avoid Even catching him for all of thirty seconds before Even cornered him in the kitchen, pushing Isak up against the fridge and then mercilessly tickling his sides.

Isak had never laughed so much in his life. He tried to push Even away but the older boy wouldn’t let go. “Say you’re sorry for laughing at me! Say it!” Even beamed, laughing just as hard as Isak.

“No!” Isak tried, but he knew he was going to say it. He was dangerously close to falling on the floor. He was very ticklish.

Even just tickled him faster then, making Isak practically scream. It was too much so he said while still trying to push Even away, “Okay! Okay! I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”

Even stopped immediately and pulled away a foot, letting them both catch their breath. Isak smiled up at Even whose face was bright red. Even smiled right back.

“You…suck.”

“Oh yeah?” Even asked, again putting his fucking eyebrows up.

“Don’t tickle me anymore please.” Isak said, backing up but then remembering he was right up against the fridge. “Even…”

“I suck, do I?” Even asked, his voice lower now. He inched forward until his nose was touching Isak’s and his hands were spread across Isak’s hips, squeezing.

“Yeah. You do. You suck a lot. I hate being tickled.” Isak whispered, bringing his hands up to touch Even’s shoulders, pulling the older boy into him.

Even was quiet for another few seconds before he kissed Isak lightly, running his tongue along Isak’s upper lip. The sensation went straight to Isak’s dick and he moaned, trying to deepen the kiss. But Even pulled back and looked at Isak mischievously.

“Let me show you how much I suck.”

Isak frowned, confused, but then Even got down on his knees and rubbed his cheek against Isak’s jean and boxer clad cock; startling Isak enough to make his knees feel like jello.

Even looked up with a question in his eyes and Isak stared back, wanting anything Even was willing to give. He’d never exactly been in this position before. Nobody had ever…

“Can I, Isak? Can I show you?”

Even reached to unbutton Isak’s pants, but didn’t actually do it. Isak nodded quickly as an answer, feeling himself harden even further at the sight of Even pleading to suck his dick.

“Wanted this. Been thinking about it since I first saw you.” Even said, pulling Isak’s jeans and boxers down in one quick movement, exposing Isak in a way he’d never imagined. But he didn’t feel embarrassed or like he wanted to cover himself. He just felt turned on to the point where he was already panting and Even hadn’t even done anything yet.

Even reached for both of Isak’s hands, entwining their fingers and placing them low on Isak’s hips as Even swayed forward. He kept staring at Isak, licking his lips and Isak bit his bottom one at the sight.

“Keep your eyes on me.”

The words were a command and the second Even began to take Isak into his mouth Isak knew he would have to obey it. He clung to the order like a life line because every other thought vanished as the pleasure overtook him.

Even was good at this. He didn’t need to use his hands to jerk Isak off because he could take most of him into his mouth. He squeezed Isak’s hands as he bobbed his head, getting closer and closer to Isak’s groin each time. Isak could feel his dick slide into the back of Even’s throat and the older boy didn’t even gag. He just moaned high in his throat sending amazing sensations through Isak.

Isak was aware that he was making some embarrassing noises but he couldn’t help it. He was close; could feel it twisting inside his stomach, needing release. Even always got him there so fucking fast. He couldn’t help it though, couldn’t even attempt to make his body not explode before they’d even began.

Isak let go of Even’s right hand with his left and reached for Even’s hair, pulling slightly to make Even slow down. But Even just moaned for it and sucked harder, moving his head faster.

“Even…gonna…you got to _stop.”_ Isak muttered, not wanting him to stop at all but he had to at least warn him.

Even slowed his pace a little, running his tongue along the vein on the underside of Isak’s dick; making him shiver and thump his head back against the fridge, his eyes closing on their own. “Uh, fuck.”

Even pulled off entirely then, leaving Isak trembling and his balls aching and _fucking hell_ what this boy could do to him.

“Do you trust me, Isak?”

Isak’s eyes snapped open and he looked down at Even, frowning a little. “Of course I do. What kind of question…”

But he didn’t get to finish his sentence. Even was too busy manhandling him; turning him around to face the fridge and pushing Isak’s hands up to brace himself. Isak could feel Even’s hot breath on his lower back and then the top part of his ass.

“Even…what…” Isak started to ask, wanting to turn around and see Even’s face again. But Even kept him still, kept him facing the fridge, as his hands spread Isak’s cheeks apart, exposing him even further.

Isak gasped loudly into the quietness of the morning; in the stillness of the kitchen that wasn’t even bathed in the light of the sunrise yet.

“ _Fuck_ , Isak.” Even was saying, still holding Isak in place.

Isak suddenly wanted to ask a million things. He wanted to know how Even kept pulling him apart, baring him in every aspect, scraping his soul fucking raw and taking, taking, taking. Isak wanted to know how Even knew that Isak had so much to give, so much that needed finding. He wanted to understand how he was so fucking in love with this person already, how Even stroked the heartstrings inside him that he didn’t even know existed.

But he couldn’t say anything. All he could do was breathe and feel his heart pound in his neck; feel the heat of Even’s hands on his ass. And then finally, excruciatingly, feel Even’s tongue dive into him; lick into his body and take even more.

Isak came seconds later, with just the feel of Even’s strong hands and tongue tipping him over the edge, propelling him head-first into the most intense sensation he’d ever experienced. He grasped at the flat surface of the fridge, wanting something to grab onto, but there was nothing tangible. His fingers just curled where they were as his dick continued to empty, each wave of it knocking the breath of him.

He was mumbling something. He knew he was. It was probably something embarrassing, something he would regret later. But right then, as the last of his orgasm hit him, he couldn’t make himself stop saying it.

When Isak was totally done, and now totally ready to pass the fuck out, Even was up from his knees and pressing himself along Isak’s back, pulling Isak by the hips. Isak immediately felt that Even was naked from the waist down and he was thrusting his hot and hard length against Isak’s ass, catching the head on Isak’s rim; making them both moan.

“Me too, Isak. Me too.” Even was groaning into Isak’s ear.

Isak didn’t understand. He didn’t know what the hell Even was saying, what he meant. All he could think about was how he wished Even was inside him and not just thrusting against him. He wanted to really fucking feel it and the thought was making him hard all over again.

“Love you too.” Even said, the words barely a murmur; barely audible.

But Isak heard him loud and clear.

 _Too?_ Did that mean Isak had said…Fuck. He’d said that out loud?

He didn’t have time to be embarrassed, to try and explain because Even stilled behind him, pulling Isak back hard; his back arching as Even came between Isak’s legs, his whole body trembling.

They were both panting. They were both a mess. They both held each other like the world could end around them in hell fire and it wouldn’t matter. It wouldn’t stop whatever was transpiring between them.

It wouldn’t stop the fact that Isak had meant it.

**

The clock read 4:47am as Even climbed the ladder up to his bed. It was still 4:47 as he nestled in behind Isak who was already asleep, already breathing evenly and snuggled up tight into the blankets.

They’d woken up earlier than they’d thought. They could sleep for another few hours before school.

Even put his arms around Isak, breathing him in. He rubbed his hands over Isak’s forearms, through his hair gently and then settled on Isak’s thigh. Even buried his face in the back of Isak’s neck and fell asleep nearly instantly.

He dreamt of Isak’s new bedroom. It was empty. It was bright. Isak was standing next to the window smiling at him, talking about something indecipherable. Isak reached for him and said ‘stay’ – the only word Even could make out.

Even smiled and nodded, walking over to the window and looking out.

Isak’s face stood out, crystal clear in his dream. And so did the yellow curtains.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Overuse of italics what what ;)  
> Also, the song I'm thinking of when Even is singing is 'Do You Realize' by The Flaming Lips
> 
> Comments always welcome and appreciated!


	9. Landslide

“How have you adjusted in your new apartment, Isak?” Dr. Big-Nose asked, fake smiling at Isak from across his desk. Isak licked his lips and nodded.

“Uh, yeah. It’s been good. Fine.”

“You like your roommates?”

Isak chuckled, nodding again. “Yeah. Eskild is hilarious. Weird, but also hilarious. Linn kind of keeps to herself, but we work together well.”

“Very good. I’m glad to hear you’re thriving in your new environment.”

Isak rolled his eyes because really? What the hell was he, a fucking houseplant? _Thriving in a new environment,_ needs watering twice daily. Do not put in direct sunlight. Fertilize often.

“Have you spoken with your father?” Dr. Big-Nose asked, raising his eyebrows in what looked like actual interest.

“No. Why would I?”

“He called here and spoke to me about your outburst.”

“ _Outburst_?”

“Yes. When he called you last week. He said you shouted at him and you seemed very upset. Now I hear you’re refusing his money?”

Dr. Big-Nose wasn’t really sounding like he was playing devil’s advocate. He mostly sounded like he was talking down to Isak and insinuating that he was wrong to speak to his father the way he had. Wasn’t his therapist supposed to be on his side? Or at least not speak to him like he was an infant who threw temper tantrums?

“I told him to spend his money on my mom. I’m sure her treatment is expensive.” Isak snapped.

“Her treatment is covered under her insurance plan, Isak.” Dr. Big-Nose replied, writing something down in his stupid notebook again. “How do you plan to pay for your apartment?”

Ah. The golden question. Isak had spent a considerable amount of time trying to think of what to say when people asked him this. But every time he thought of just telling the truth, he felt like he sounded stupid. Oh hey, just getting my rent paid by my boyfriend who I’ve only been dating for a week who happens to be super rich. No big.

“A friend is helping me out.” Isak decided to go with this. Maybe it sounded less lame.

“A friend?”

“Yes. A friend. I have those, you know. Being crazy hasn’t ruined my friendships yet.”

Dr. Big-Nose looked like he was going to comment on Isak choosing to call himself crazy, but then he just bit his bottom lip and wrote something else down.

“Which friend, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“I do mind, actually. Why is that important?” Isak said defensively, not wanting to admit that it was another patient of Dr. Big-Nose. He didn’t feel like a lecture about that being inappropriate or some shit.

“Just wondering, Isak. I always ask questions to know about your well-being. I just want to know if this friend is reliable. Will you be able to count on them?”

Isak didn’t hesitate. “Yes. He won’t let me down.”  

**

Isak: _How have you managed to keep Dr. Big-Nose as your therapist?? Like…he’s an asshole._

Even: _DR BIG-NOSE hahaha_

Isak: _He does have a big nose!_

Even: _I know but HAHAHAHA :D_

Isak: _…you are no help_

Even: _In all seriousness, I kind of have to keep seeing him_

Isak: _There’s no-one else? Can’t I request a transfer?_

Even: _Gotta wait it out a bit. This is only session three_

Isak: _yeah, and I already wanna kill myself_

Even: _no joking about that please_

Isak: _shit, sorry, seriously_

**

Isak didn’t hear from Even all night, even after several more attempts to text him. He was feeling like he majorly fucked up. He didn’t know why exactly, but he had a feeling whatever Even was upset about had to do with Isak’s stupid comment about killing himself. Fuck. His mind was racing. Had Even tried to commit suicide? He said he was dealing with depression. Or maybe he knew someone who had committed suicide?

It was nearly midnight and Isak knew he should go to sleep. He’d talked with Eskild and Linn about house chores and he was already behind on his laundry and recycling, but his brain was stuck. It was like he couldn’t go on until this radio-silence was fixed.

Isak: _I really am sorry. If you want to bitch me out or something I’ll take it. Just please message me back…_

Nothing. No reply. After a solid week of Isak’s life being _EVEN EVEN EVEN_ this lack of Even felt beyond strange. Isak had spent the last three days with Even, setting up his new room and buying all his stuff that was currently surrounding Isak. Everything that he looked at reminded him of Even and it was kind of terrifying because what if Even decided to leave Isak now? What if Even just realized how insensitive Isak was and now he wanted to move on?

His phone vibrated.

Even: _sorry for not responding. It’s just a touchy subject for me…I know you didn’t know. I’m not angry, Isak. I’ve just had a rough day._

Isak frowned down at his phone in concern as he typed his reply.

Isak: _baby tell me about it then. I’m here for you too._

Even: _you just got settled though…I want you to focus on you_

Isak: _all I have done since I met you is think about me. Tell me what’s going on with you, Even. This whole supporting thing doesn’t just go one way. Now spill._

It was another ten long minutes before Even’s reply finally came.

Even: _I’m on meds for my depression. Lately I’ve been wanting to go off them but sometimes when that happens I can have mood swings. It’s an irrational thought and stupid but my brain fixates on it._

Isak didn’t really know how to reply. He knew nothing of medications or anti-depressants and what they did or did not do.  So he just replied with the first thing that came into his head.

Isak: _why would you go off them? Is there some kind of benefit to that?_

Even: _it helps me think clearly. Meds make my brain feel foggy. But usually my brain is just trying to trick me into thinking I don’t need them._

Isak: _oh…sorry. Brains are dumb, eh?_

Even: _you bet they are ;) don’t worry, Isak. I’m okay. Just been feeling kind of stuck. How was your day beyond therapy sucking? Wish I could have seen you today_

Again, Even was back to wanting to talk about Isak. Why wouldn’t he let Isak talk about him and his situation? Did he think Isak couldn’t handle it?

Isak let it go for now, determined to try again tomorrow. So he replied with a simple, _wish I could’ve seen you too. Xo_

He turned his phone off and went to sleep.

**

Isak didn’t have any more panic attacks that week. It had only been the first few days out of the hospital that it had happened so he was ready to call it a fluke. Maybe he would be fine. He was catching up on missed work, spending nearly every day with Even, and had become quite fond of Eskild and Linn who lovingly bantered with each other like siblings who got along really well.

Isak didn’t think about his parents. He went to therapy but he never inquired about his mother or her recovery. He decided to take Even’s advice and start fresh; focus on himself and his own life.

But as Monday turned into Wednesday and then became Friday, Isak was beginning to feel uneasy. Even still wouldn’t talk about himself. He didn’t tell Isak about his friends or his parents. The only thing Isak really knew about Even was that he liked to draw comics and he left them in Isak’s backpack all the time before school. He knew Even liked Nas because he had a poster in his bedroom, and he knew Even had dated Sonja for a while because of what happened the first time he’d hung out with Even, but other than that Isak felt like he was in the dark about the person he knew he loved.

Which was odd. Weren’t you supposed to know a lot about the person you were in love with? Even practically knew everything about Isak. All the good and bad things, and even the really dark things. Which wasn’t easy for Isak; opening up wasn’t something he did very well.

Even shut him down and switched the subject and just kept asking questions about Isak. Quite frankly, it was becoming annoying as hell.

But, what did Isak know about love? How could he know what it was supposed to be like? So, even though it was annoying and Isak was on edge, he tried his best to let it go and smile and enjoy time spent with Even. It was still the best part of his day when Even came over or when Isak took the bus to Even’s place.

On Saturday afternoon Even was sprawled on Isak’s bed reading something on his laptop, Isak beside him trying to finish a paper when Eskild burst through the doorway and squealed.

“Boys! Good news!”

Isak and Even looked up at the same time with similar ‘what the hell’ faces but Eskild ignored their confusion. “We’re hosting a pregame tonight. So wear anything neon and help me clean up this dump!”

Isak’s stomach dropped at the idea of having a party here. He’d never thought about his roommates doing that, but then again Eskild was the partying kind. Even sat up, catching Isak’s eye, and then smiled at Eskild.

“Sure. We’ll be out in a second.”

Eskild clapped his hands together. “Perfect.” He said, walking out quickly and practically slamming the door closed behind him.

Even sat next to Isak, kissing his cheek. “You okay with going to a party?”

“Well, we wouldn’t actually be _going_ anywhere. The party will come to us.” Isak tried to joke, but the lump in his throat wasn’t going away or easing up.

Even, of course, noticed Isak’s distress.

“You can always come to my place tonight. We’ll tell Eskild some kind of excuse.”

Isak was tempted to take him up on his offer, but he shook his head. “It’s okay. I think I can handle a party. Might be nice. Do you drink?”

Even smiled. “Yeah. And other things.”

Isak raised his eyebrows. “Other things?”

“Not hard core drugs or anything. Just pot.”

“Nice. Care to share?” Isak smirked, kissing Even’s neck and then his collarbone.

“I’ve already paid your rent and bought you new furniture. Now you want _more?_ So greedy, Isak.” Even scolded, shaking his head.

Isak knew Even’s tone wasn’t serious. He was trying to be funny and lighthearted, like usual. Normally Isak would have played along, punched his shoulder playfully and maybe jumped on him; tickled him until he laughed so hard he couldn’t breathe. But something stopped Isak right in his tracks and he froze where they were lying together, suddenly feeling anxious and…pissed off.

“Isak, I was kidding. I swear.” Even said, reaching for Isak but Isak stood up suddenly and walked over to the window; gazing down at the people walking on the street.

“I know you were kidding.” Isak whispered, feeling his face flush.

He could hear Even stand up from the bed and walk near him but he didn’t reach for Isak again. He was probably waiting for Isak’s next move.

“Even, I can’t do this anymore.” Isak said, and _shit_ those were probably not the best words he could have started with. Even audibly gasped, letting out a hurt sort of noise and that made Isak turn around. “I can’t keep being with you and not knowing anything about you. That’s what I mean.”

Even’s face was unreadable but it looked like he was still reeling from Isak’s first words. “What do you mean, Isak? You know lots about me.” The words were a whisper.

“No, I don’t. I don’t know what your parents do, what your favourite colour is or who you’re friends are at Bakka. I don’t know anything about your mental health either! You told me you have depression but I have no context. I don’t know how to help if you have bad days. You don’t have to protect me from anything about you. I’ll be as accepting as you are of me and all my crap. I just feel…I feel like you’re hiding something about yourself from me and I can’t…” Isak took in a deep lungful of air. “I can’t feel like I _trust_ you completely unless you tell me. Unless you let me in for once.”

**

Well, _shit._ Just…fucking _shit_.

Isak was hurting. Even didn’t know how he hadn’t noticed, but Isak was hurt because Even hadn’t been honest. He wasn’t being honest. He _had_ avoided all of Isak’s questions about himself, thinking he needed to be there for Isak. He always thought they would have time to discuss everything – all of Even’s bullshit - later.

But now he could see that he’d hurt Isak by not being honest. He’d even lied about what his mental illness was. Sure, depression was part of it but it wasn’t the only part. He thought maybe if he gave Isak some kind of glimpse the younger boy would drop it and try and focus on all the immense changes happening in his own life. But Even had underestimated Isak. And now he’d hurt him.

But the idea of being completely honest with Isak scared the shit out of Even. Telling Isak about his illness in its entirety wasn’t something Even was prepared for. Nobody he’d dated had ever really known the extent of it. Except Sonja. But then she hadn’t taken that well. She’d made it her mission to take care of Even and Even couldn’t bare having Isak do that too.

Even realized he was taking too long to answer. Isak was staring at him expectantly and looking more and more uneasy as the seconds ticked by. Even chose to start with the things he knew he actually could share.

“My favourite colour is orange. Like the sunset. My best friend at school is Mikael who I’ve known since we were small. He wants to meet you. I hang out with some other people that Sonja introduced me to but it’s kind of awkward now since we aren’t together. So I mostly see Mikael.” Even began, coming a bit closer to Isak who had wrapped his arms around himself.

“I’ve been keeping stuff about myself quiet because I wanted you to be able to focus on yourself. Everything has changed for you Isak. Starting a relationship is a good thing, but I wanted you to be able to breathe. I didn’t want this to overwhelm you. I don’t think you’re dumb or unable to handle it. I was just trying to give you some space. It’s only been two weeks and I…”

“Two weeks of me telling you practically everything about myself, Even.” Isak interrupted. “You know me better than anyone else. I’ve never been this honest with anyone. Nobody knew about my sexuality or my parents…and nobody else has seen me freak out and panic.”

“I know.” Even replied, hanging his head and rubbing the back of his neck.

“Thank you for being there for me. You’ve been the only person in my life who has really gone out of their way to do things for me. To really listen and help me and I’m so fucking grateful. But I don’t want this to mean that you feel you can’t _talk_ to me. I’m not some charity case or like, someone who is so wrapped up in their own shit that I can’t try and be there for someone else. At least, I hope you don’t think that’s how I am.”

“No, Isak. I don’t think that. I promise.” Even jumped in, reaching for Isak and taking his hands in his own. “I’m sorry if it seemed that way. Like I said, I was just trying to give you some space. You deserved to think about yourself.”

“Okay, and I have. Now let’s talk about you. I can tell you’ve had a bad week. Is that true?” Isak asked, not letting Even worm his way out of talking about it again.

Even looked down at the floor and nodded. He had had a rough week. His brain kept telling him that if he could only go off his meds he would be able to think clearly. He wouldn’t be in a constant haze that numbed everything for him. But then he would remember that the ‘haze’ was actually how his brain was supposed to work. It helped him not get overwhelmed; to not get overstimulated by every small thing and then eventually bring on a manic episode.

But Even was starting to feel like he couldn’t feel anything properly. And that was a bad thing because this was always how he felt before an episode.

But Even couldn’t tell Isak that. He couldn’t explain it in a way that wouldn’t freak Isak out and remind him of his own mother. Even got the impression that Isak didn’t intend to speak to his mother again. Probably his father too. And he had every right to do that after what they had put him through. But Even also related to Isak’s mother. She couldn’t control her brain; her irrational thoughts and behaviours. She couldn’t help what she saw.

Isak couldn’t understand that because all he knew was how much it hurt watching his own mother descend into madness. Isak couldn’t forgive his mother even though he loved and cared about her. Loving her is what hurt Isak.

Loving Even couldn’t hurt Isak too.

“Sometimes I feel…low. That’s the best word I have for it. I feel like everything sits on my chest and presses down and I can’t get up.” Even decided to say. Again, the words weren’t a lie but they weren’t the whole truth either.

“What can you do to make yourself feel better?” Isak asked, his eyebrows raised in genuine interest.

Even could tell how much Isak cared about him. Fuck, Isak had said he loved Even. He'd said it again and again that night, sighing the words into the shared air between them like a promise. They hadn’t exactly talked about it, but Even felt it. In every smile Isak gave him, every shared night they spent wrapped around each other. It had only been two weeks but Even was so in love; so unwilling to let this go.

He couldn’t fuck it up.

“I usually try and go do something. Like see Mikael. Lately, it’s been going to see you. You always cheer me up.” Even said, kissing Isak gently.

Seeing Isak did cheer Even up, but getting out of the severe depressions he’d experienced meant weeks in bed. Weeks spent wishing he was dead. Wishing he had never existed. Waiting around for someone to tell him to shower and brush his teeth because every decision was too hard. Every second was spent regretting what he’d done when he was manic.

But he couldn’t tell Isak that.

“Would a party help?” Isak asked, putting kisses all along Even’s jaw as he held him close to his own body.

Even smiled and lied. “I think it would.”

“Okay. See, that wasn’t so hard was it?” Isak asked, his expression brightening dramatically. That alone made Even feel better.

“No, it wasn’t.”

“So, what do your parents do then? You never answered that.” Isak asked, walking over to the door. Even remembered they were going to help Eskild clean.

“They’re therapists.” Even chuckled. He figured he didn’t need to lie about this. What did it matter if Isak knew his father was Dr. Henrick?

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. Uh, you know Dr. Big-Nose?”

“Oh God.”

“Yeah. He’s my step-father.” Even nodded, sighing. “So…that’s weird. I see him every week because he is the one who made me go to the hospital a few years ago. I was having a really hard time and didn’t get out of bed for a while.” Even explained, wanting to tell Isak something about himself – even if it wasn’t all of it.

“Shit.” Isak whispered, an empathetic frown sketched into his forehead.

“Yeah. I was really depressed. Meds helped and I’m glad I’m on them, but things have been strained between me and him since then. He thinks he can be objective while we’re in therapy together but he really can’t. He’s known me since I was four so…it always becomes personal. It always feels like he’s just lecturing me. That’s part of the reason I moved out.”

“I don’t fucking blame you.” Isak said, shaking his head. “Isn’t there a rule that your parent can’t be your therapist?”

“No. I wish there was. And I’ve asked him if he would transfer me to someone else, but both him and my mother think it isn’t a problem.”

“Is this what you’ve been hiding from me? That Dr. Big-Nose is your dad?” Isak asked, a hope in his eyes that Even could hardly stand. Wouldn’t it be nice if everything was that simple?

“Yeah. That’s all. I just didn’t know how you’d react. I know you have to see him every week so…” Even shrugged, feeling so fucking horrible in that moment. He was lying again to the one person he didn’t want to hurt. But Isak would hurt even more if Even told him the truth.

That thought made him so fucking sad suddenly that it was like a punch to the gut.

“Geeze, Even. I don’t care. I mean, I _care_ but you didn’t have to hide it from me.” Isak said, cupping Even’s cheeks in his hands and smiling. “Thanks for finally telling me.”

Even swallowed down the brick-sized lump in his throat and made himself smile back.

**

Eskild’s party was okay. People were drinking too much and the music was too loud but Isak was smiling. He was talking to Eskild’s friends and being drunkenly adorable, snuggling into Even’s side subtly. Isak still wasn’t super comfortable with PDA but that was all right. Even was patient.

When people started leaving around 1am, Even took Isak outside into the chilly winter air and lit up the joint he had been saving all night. He took in a huge inhale, his first in a long while, and then passed the joint to Isak.

Isak took in a long drag as well and coughed. “Nice.”

“Yeah.” Even replied. He wrapped his arms around Isak and kissed him, feeling the warmth of Isak’s mouth as a contrast to the cold wind around them.

“I meant it, you know.” Isak said suddenly, nuzzling Even with his nose.

“Meant what?”

“That I love you.” Isak said confidently; _drunkenly._

“I know.” Even whispered, smiling.

“ _You know_? That’s the response I get?” Isak asked, incredulous. He smacked Even and pulled away, shaking his head. “Forget it. I’m done.” He started to walk away, pretending to be upset but Even pulled him back into his embrace and kissed him hard on the mouth, taking and taking. He pushed his tongue inside Isak’s mouth and tasted the other boy’s desperation. He tasted that need Isak had for Even.

“I love you too.”

**

Isak was asleep in the new bed Even had just bought for Isak. He was snoring lightly, his hair a mess on his head. Even just watched him; the way his chest would rise and fall with his breaths. The way he moved closer and closer to Even in his sleep.

Even didn’t sleep that night. He tried. He tried so insanely hard, but his mind wouldn’t turn off. He couldn’t help but feel like something was missing. Something couldn’t be reached.

He panicked all night. He could feel the landslide. He could feel the sickening fall within himself; how all the walls were crumbling.

But by morning, at the glorious orange dawn, Even had stopped panicking. He got out of bed and made breakfast too early and was waking Isak up too early and was talking too quickly. But things were okay. Everything was fine. It was all good. Who needed sleep anyways, right?

Even always preferred sunsets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY DON'T HATE ME. I couldn't keep them in the bubble forever though. 
> 
> Comments always welcome and appreciated :)


	10. My Scarred Soul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Here I am with an update.   
> There is a lot that happens in this chapter. Good things and bad, but I will give a general warning for explicit content (that is somewhat dub-con, but only a LITTLE bit) and angst to do with mental illness.

Isak stared at Dr. Big-Nose, unable to forget that this was Even’s father. Isak couldn’t quite stop the slight anger in his responses, or the way he frowned every time the man even so much as breathed heavily. For some reason, Isak couldn’t step away from what he knew; what the man had done to Even.

Sure, he probably had all the best intentions. He wanted to help his step-son. But Isak couldn’t fathom growing up with this man as his father-figure. Dr. Big-Nose was so detached, so cold and kind of judgemental. He looked like he didn’t want to be sitting here, listening to some teenager who had had a breakdown and was trying to get his life back together. Isak felt like a disappointment to Dr. Big-Nose. How must Even feel?

“Isak? Did you hear me?”

Isak shook his head, trying to stay in the moment. He just wanted this hour to end. “Uh, no. Sorry.” He replied sheepishly.

“I asked you how you have been adjusting being back at school. Are you finding it easier? It’s been three weeks since you went back.” Dr. Big-Nose said calmly.

“Yeah. Things have been fine. No panic attacks or anything.” Isak said honestly.

He _had_ been doing better. People had stopped staring at him like he was an alien from another planet. The boys all knew about him and Even and they didn’t give a fuck. If anything, they had become ‘Evak’s’ biggest supporters. Isak stilled rolled his eyes every time Magnus said that when referring to him and Even, but it was all in a fond way. And to make matters even better he had managed to get his grades back up.

Living with Eskild was an adventure, but it was also so fucking nice being on his own, having the freedom to do what he pleased. It was like all the stress that had been weighing him down had been eliminated. He’d taken back the power in his life. He didn’t speak to his father. He had the choice whether or not to take his calls. He had no reason to speak to his father; he wasn’t grovelling for rent or having to explain where he was at night. And he didn’t have to take care of his mother.

The best thing about life these days obviously though, was Even. Even had helped Isak get to where he was now. In only three weeks Even had given Isak so much; his freedom, his peace of mind, his ability to be honest with his friends. The list went on. Even just _loved_ Isak and believed in him. How could anything be wrong in Isak’s life now?

“I’m…happy.” Isak said tentatively, meaning it but also not wanting to discuss anything to do with his relationship. Especially with Dr. Big-Nose.

“I’m glad, Isak. I’m glad things are going well for you.” Dr. Big-Nose smiled faintly, writing something down again. “Do you think leaving your father’s house contributed to your happiness?”

“Yes.”

“And you have no plans to keep in touch?”

“You always ask me this. No.”

“Forever? You plan to never speak to your father again?”

There was that fucking tone again. Isak frowned, hating the way this man made him feel; like he didn’t have a right to feel how he did. “What is your problem with that, huh? What exactly should I talk to him about? The fact that he left me alone with my mom multiple times because he didn’t want to deal with her? That he is irresponsible and selfish? I can’t look at him!”

Dr. Big-Nose waited for Isak to calm down before he cleared his throat and said, “Isak. I don’t know if it’s wise to ignore your father forever. You are still very young, so you may not understand how to forgive people yet. But don’t put away the idea of reconciliation entirely. Your father may surprise you.”

Isak scoffed. “He hasn’t surprised me in my entire life, doc. It’s always the same bull shit. Now I’m finally free from it, and I’m happier, and you’re telling me to go back to it? What the hell?”

Dr. Big-Nose frowned this time and Isak thought, _whoa this guy can actually show emotion!_ That was something new.

“A boy needs his father, Isak.”

Something clicked in Isak’s thoughts just then. He wouldn’t have had this realization if he didn’t know what Even had told him. But now he could see it; plain as day.

Dr. Big-Nose was afraid of Isak not speaking to his own father and was openly trying to get Isak to speak to his father, because in some way Dr. Big-Nose had already lost Even. Even didn’t speak to his father outside of the forced therapy sessions he was required to attend. Even had told Isak that last night.

_Why would I spend time with the man who only sees my illness?_

Isak stood up a bit straighter and looked Dr. Big-Nose directly in the eye. “A boy doesn’t need his father if that father hasn’t acted like a parent for the entirety of the boy’s life.”

Isak didn’t miss the way Dr. Big-Nose paled or the sudden shaky breath he let out.

“Our time is up for this week. I’ll see you Monday, Isak.”

Isak walked out and only just refrained from fist pumping the air in a kind of victory.

**

“We are going out tonight!” Even announced, wrapping Isak up in a tight hug the moment he opened the door.

Isak let himself be picked up off the floor and kissed messily right there in the doorway, not caring that they were making a scene. He kissed Even back and laughed, a warm feeling spreading across Isak’s chest and making him feel giddy.

“Uh, okay. Where?” Isak asked when he was allowed back down.

Even pulled him inside and Isak smelled food cooking. They walked into the kitchen, Even holding onto his hand and Isak was greeted with the sight of several pots boiling over with either water or some kind of food. He frowned, looking over at Even and then laughed nervously.

“You making something?”

Even looked at the stove and startled as if he had forgotten all about the burners being on and multiple ingredients strewn practically everywhere in the kitchen, including the floor. “Oh, right. I was trying out a recipe. Forgot all about it!” He chuckled, turning off the burners.

There was enough food cooked or half-cooked to feed a whole dinner party. Why the hell was Even making so much food?

“Do you want me to help clean this up?” Isak asked, already putting some things in the garbage. Even stopped him a moment later, pulling Isak into his side and pushing the hair away from his forehead.

“No, baby. Don’t worry about the mess. Like I said, I’m taking you out tonight. I bought you some clothes too. Come on!” Even smiled, once again grabbing hold of Isak and pulling him through the house. They didn’t stop this time until they reached Even’s bedroom.

Isak could see two suits – nice fucking suits too – laid out on Even’s couch in his bedroom, but he was quickly distracted by the fact that Even had apparently started redecorating his room. There were multiple sections of the walls with bright red and orange spatters on them, like someone had thrown paint carelessly. On the other side there was green and blue and it looked like it was wet still. Isak looked back at Even, really fucking confused now.

“Even, what…”

“I wanted to paint today! I went out and bought some super nice, _professional_ paint and thought, what the hell? I’m going to re-paint my room, draw a collage or something! This is just the beginning.” Even said, his words nearly blending together because he was speaking too quickly.

Even hadn’t been himself all week long. He had done some weird things but he told Isak it was due to stress. He had a big assignment coming up. He hadn’t been sleeping very well. Isak hadn’t thought much of it, but now that he was here in Even’s house – which he hadn’t been all week long, Even had been coming to his place – he had a very uneasy feeling. Something seemed so off.

Isak was going to say something but then Even held the suit up to Isak’s front and let out a pleased sound. “Yes! I _knew_ this would look nice with your eyes! My beautiful baby. God, I love you.”  

Even started kissing him again, pushing the suit aside. Isak was torn between asking how the hell Even had time to paint and get suits today when he was supposed to be at school and just saying fuck it and ravish his boyfriend’s mouth. But his concern won in the end and he pulled back from Even so he could actually look into his eyes.

Even looked so fucking tired. There were deep circles under his eyes even though he was smiling like he always did; the skin around his eyes crinkling and his big teeth on display. He looked happy and tired. He looked really happy, actually. So why did Isak feel like Even wasn’t…present; like he wasn’t here with Isak the way he normally was?

“Even, did you sleep last night? You messaged me at like 4am. Did you not sleep well again?”

“Sleep is the cousin of death!” Even smiled, kissing Isak’s jaw and placing the suit in Isak’s hands. “I’m fine, baby. This week is over. My assignment is done. I just want to celebrate with you.”

Isak wanted to believe him. He wanted to just let it be and enjoy whatever it was Even had planned. But as he looked around the room again and saw the immense chaos Even seemed to have created, he couldn’t quite relax. But he thought after the date tonight he would make Even sleep. For at least twelve hours. Maybe he was just sleep-deprived.

Isak rubbed away the tightness in his chest and put on the perfectly-fitted suit.

Even put his suit on as well, styled his hair and put on this amazing smelling cologne that made Isak’s knees a little weak. Even was talking about the suits and how he was so turned on by how Isak looked and ‘oh the things he had planned for tonight.’

Isak smiled, blushed at the compliments and let Even lead them to wherever it was they were going. He went with it and tried desperately to enjoy how ecstatic Even seemed at the thought of surprising Isak.

Even was all over him.  He kissed him as they sat on the bus and held his hand as they walked in the street. He had to basically shove Even off of him as they waited in line to enter some insanely fancy restaurant because Even was getting close to having an indecent behaviour charge permanently attached to his name.

Even politely apologized and gave his name for the reservation. They were led to a table in the back corner of the restaurant, secluded from a lot of eyes and Isak had a feeling that this was intentional.

He knew he guessed right when Even was back on him again the second they sat down, squeezing Isak tightly against his side as he kissed Isak’s neck. Isak couldn’t exactly complain because everything Even did turned him on as well. But there was a clumsiness to Even’s touches that was never there before; a recklessness to his actions that seemed unnecessary. It was like Even was trying to prove something or trying to show off for Isak when he knew he didn’t need to. Isak was enchanted by Even just lying next to him listening to a song they’d both heard a million times already.

“Even, stop.” Isak whispered, reaching up to push away Even’s grabby hands.

Even stilled immediately but let out a pained sort of noise. “But baby…”

“If you wanted to fuck me we should have stayed home.” Isak whispered, biting Even’s earlobe before moving away entirely and opening the menu. He didn’t miss the way Even basically choked on air and then moaned high in his throat.

“Now you’re giving me ideas. Dammnit.” Even sighed, but he moved away to leave a respectable amount of room between them. Right on time too because next thing Isak knew the waiter was standing in front of them.

“Good evening, Even. The usual?”

Isak looked up at the young woman who had an expectant smile on her face. The usual? Even came here enough to have people know him and his order? But then again Isak shouldn’t be surprised considering Even had a lot of money. Places like this were probably a normal night out for Even and his family.

“Not tonight, but thanks Hanna.” Even replied, reaching under the table for Isak’s knee. “My boyfriend and I are still deciding.”

Isak blushed a little and didn’t meet the girl’s eye before she walked away and gave them more time to look. Isak actually started reading the options and it didn’t take long to see the prices. Holy fucking shit. Some of the meals were more than Isak’s rent.

“Even…”

“Do not even start with me, young man.” Even interrupted, winking. “Get whatever you want. I’m serious.”

“But I…”

“I’m treating you to this, okay? I want us to have a real first date.”

“We have been on plenty of dates! What the fuck?” Isak said, kind of baffled. This week they had gone out for dinner multiple times and met up for coffee after school. And there was a movie marathon yesterday at some tiny theatre Isak had never heard of before showing old French films that Even just _had_ to see. Isak had fallen asleep on Even’s shoulder after the first one. But it had still been a date.

“Okay, okay. I know. But I wanted it to be something really romantic. Really cheesy.” Even said, licking his lips as he stared at Isak. “I wanted to show you how much you mean to me.”

Once again, Isak wanted to say that he knew how much he meant to Even _every_ day. Even showed him all the time. In touches, kisses, the way he listened to everything Isak said all the time. Isak didn’t need expensive dates and Armani suits.

But if this meant so much to Even then Isak would keep his mouth shut. He trusted Even enough to know that he wouldn’t do something that would put him financially in danger. Even, although kind of acting like it tonight, was not actually reckless.

Once they had ordered, Even put his arm around the back of the booth and moved a bit closer to Isak. But he didn’t immediately do anything. Just casually looked around the restaurant, mentioned something about coming here with his family a few times as a child and more recently by himself. But as Even talked – thankfully at a normal pace this time – Isak was fucking distracted by that goddamn cologne again.

The thing was, Isak always noticed when boys wore cologne. Sometimes he noticed it because they wore too much and it left a heavy smell in the locker rooms. But mostly, Isak noticed cologne on boys and wished he could push his face into a boy’s neck and breathe the scent in deeper. He found the smell arousing and comforting all at once, but he’d never been able to act on it. And usually Even didn’t wear cologne. He smelled good all the time, but never like this before.

Isak leaned into Even this time, following his instincts that were screaming at him to get as close as possible to Even. The pressure of Isak’s body against Even’s side made Even stop mid-sentence and redirect all of his attention to Isak. Isak suddenly wished they weren’t in public so he could just straddle Even like he wanted to and grind down on his lap until they were both panting.

“What are _you_ doing, hm?” Even asked directly into Isak’s ear. The hand Even had resting across the booth reached up and tangled in Isak’s hair, pulling gently, while his other hand settled on Isak’s hip.

“Just wanna be close to you.” Isak whispered back, turning his head; wanting Even’s mouth on him. Fuck this ‘respectable amount of distance’ bull shit.

“But we’re in public, remember?” Even teased, raising his eyebrows as if the idea of kissing Isak was the most outrageous thing ever.

Isak titled his neck at a stupid angle and said, “I don’t care” before pulling Even down by the back of his own neck and kissing him senseless. He was all tongue and teeth and loud moans, surrendering to the sensation of it all. Even kissed back just as hard and managed to turn Isak so he had better access to the boy’s mouth.

Isak forgot where they were and that Even was acting strangely. He let his worries go and got lost in the feel of Even. It was always what he wanted to do anyway; be so wrapped up in the other boy that everything else ceased to matter. It wasn’t until Even had a hand sliding under Isak’s pants and boxers that Isak was brought right back to here and now.

“Even! We _can’t_ do that.” Isak hissed, but it was kind of too late. Even already had a hand on Isak’s hard cock, stroking him long and good.

“The table is high enough. Nobody is going to see.” Even assured, but he stilled his movements, just rubbing the oversensitive head now and Isak wanted to scream it was so good.

“I don’t want to ruin these pants.” Isak attempted, laughing a shaky laugh as Even started moving again. “Fuck.”

“I’ll buy you some new ones then.”

Isak tried to keep his eyes open, tried to stay aware of where they were and act normal if someone came to their table. But it was also goddamn impossible with Even breathing into his ear and stroking him faster and faster. Isak was just kind of lost in the feeling of it and didn’t give a fuck if someone caught them.

“Wish I could fuck you properly right now.” Even whispered, kissing along the back of Isak’s neck, burying his face there. Isak could tell Even was turned on too.

Isak had been thinking about it. A lot. How it would feel to have Even inside him, actually fucking him. But they hadn’t gotten that far yet. They hadn’t even really brought it up. But now, as Even kept repeating similar things like that in his ear over and over again, it was all Isak wanted. And he didn’t think he could wait either.

“Do it. I want you too.” Isak said, sounding just as out of control and wrecked as he felt.

“Yeah? Right here?” Even asked, and Isak could tell he wasn’t even joking.

“Bathroom.”

In what felt like the blink of an eye, Even had pulled his hand out of Isak’s pants and was out of their booth, practically yanking Isak towards the restrooms. Isak’s head was spinning and his pants were too tight, but he followed Even and tried not to trip over his own feet. Thankfully, there was an individual bathroom outside the men’s and women’s washrooms and Even shoved him inside it, locking the door behind them. Isak sent up a silent prayer of thanks for there being nobody in the hallway to see them.

Isak was pushed against the cold door, his nerves feeling fried. But he still wanted it so bad. That lust hadn’t gone away at all and he found himself moaning for it already when Even had barely even touched him.

“Isak, you have to be sure. Tell me you’re sure.” Even said, already unbuttoning Isak’s pants, kissing his neck.

“I’m sure.” Isak managed to pant, reaching for Even’s pants as well. Part of him wanted to see all of Even and to be in a proper bed when this happened. But another part of him was getting off on the recklessness of it; how wild it all seemed. How dirty and wrong and so fucking right everything about this made him keen in anticipation.

“Luckily I brought lube.” Even chuckled, pulling the packet out of his pants pocket before the pants pooled around his ankles.

Isak smiled, also grateful, and went in to kiss Even again. But Even didn’t kiss him. Instead, he turned Isak around so his face was pressed into the door and Even grabbed his hips so his ass was exposed and up. Isak swallowed hard, his heart beating against his ribs erratically.

“Even…”

“Shh. I got you, baby.”

Isak bit down on his bottom lip as the first press of Even’s fingers shocked him. Even didn’t seem to want to take things slow, and Isak somehow just trusted him – despite his growing fear of pain. He trusted that Even would know how much to give him. He trusted Even to not hurt him.

But as Even kept pushing, Isak realized Even was trying to give him two fingers all at once. Isak hadn’t exactly done anything like this before and the burn knocked the breath from his lungs. Even must have been able to feel how tight he was, but that didn’t seem to stop him. Even just kept pressing further.

“Relax, Isak.”

The command startled Isak. The crassness of Even’s voice had Isak attempting to protest, to say something like ‘I haven’t ever had anything up there before.’ But then Even pushed even deeper and hit something inside Isak that just made him groan. The burn was still very much there, but now there was also pleasure unlike anything Isak knew was possible.

“There we go.” Even whispered, sounding proud of himself. He kept pushing his fingers in and out, too fucking quickly, but it was still making Isak see stars. He reached behind him with his right hand to grab Even’s hip, needing something to ground him, and Even reached for him as well, locking their fingers together.

“S-slow…” Isak hiccupped, thumping his forehead against the door; overwhelmed and overstimulated and that burn could let up any fucking time now, thanks.

Even stopped altogether suddenly and Isak felt his breath on the back of his neck. Even was breathing too quickly and suddenly let out a pained sort of noise.

“Shit, Isak. I’m _sorry._ ”

Isak frowned and shook his head, not wanting Even to sound so…agonized. “It’s fine, just slow down a little. I haven’t ever…”

“I know. I know. Fuck, I knew that. What the fuck is wrong with me?” Even chastised himself, and Isak could tell he was about to take his fingers out. Isak grabbed onto Even’s wrist and kept him still.

“Don’t stop. Please. Just _take it easy._ ”

“But I…”

“I still want you in me, Even.” Isak announced, and he actually meant it. If the pleasure he felt now was any indication of how great it could be, then Isak sure as fuck didn’t want to stop right now.

Isak pushed his hips back, taking Even’s fingers back in all the way. He could already feel how much easier it was going and he savoured the friction now; how he could feel every inch of them and how they touched that spot again deep within him almost effortlessly.

That caught Even’s attention and he pressed himself closer to Isak again. “Yeah? That better now?”

“Yeah. So good, uh, fuck.”

“Fuck, you’re so hot. So tight around me.”

Even let go of Isak’s hand where it rested on Even’s hip and reached around to take hold of Isak’s cock again, giving it a long stroke up. Isak hadn’t gone soft even through the initial pain and now he was reminded just how close he actually was. Even’s hands on him and inside him were quickly propelling him to the edge.

“Gotta stop. Even I’m…”

“Let go for me, baby. It’s okay.”

“But, I want…”

“Later, I promise. Now come for me, Isak.” Even said, an urgency to his tone that Isak couldn’t ignore. Even wanted to see Isak come apart for him.

So Isak got lost in the feel of it, pushing his hips back to meet Even’s thrusts. He put both hands on the door to steady himself, kind of like he had that night in Even’s kitchen against the fridge. He listened to Even’s quiet moans behind him and felt the way Even threw all his weight into fingering Isak, putting just enough pressure on his prostate. And then Isak could feel it; the way his toes curled and his back arched involuntarily. He had a brief moment of panic where he thought his legs were going to give out from the intensity of his orgasm, but then he was barrelling over into only pleasure and no other thoughts crossed his mind.

He was panting like he had run a marathon by the time it was over and he was completely limp against the door. Even pulled out of him gently but the sensation made goosebumps appear on Isak’s skin and made him let out a sound of loss.

“Isak, you’re going to be the death of me. Fuck.” Even said, turning Isak around so he could capture his mouth in a kiss. It wasn’t as pressing as the other ones had been, and that clumsiness Isak felt earlier in Even’s desperation had vanished. Even was suddenly familiar again to Isak and Isak clung onto him like a lifeline.

What was going on with Even?

Isak was going to ask. Just as soon as he took care of the bulge that was trying to tear apart the front of Even’s pants. Before he could overthink it, Isak knelt down in front of Even and pulled his boxers down, pushing Even against the door this time.

“Isak…”

“I want to.”

**

They walked back to their table and their waitress was giving them a death glare. Even just smiled at her and winked at Isak as they sat back down to their food which had arrived nearly fifteen minutes ago.

“It may be cold, sir.” The waitress snapped, pursing her lips. Isak blushed hard and once again didn’t meet her gaze.

“That’s fine. Thanks, Hanna.”

Isak took a tentative bite of his dinner and then laughed when Even raised his eyebrows at him. “You better tip her super well.”

“The reason she isn’t kicking us out right now is because I _always_ tip her well.”

**

The food was fantastic. The live music that the restaurant provided was also fantastic. Sitting with Even’s hand warmly on his knee while they listened and sipped wine was something Isak couldn’t really describe. It was the best night ever.

They spent nearly two hours in total at the restaurant before Even paid and thanked Hanna again. She didn’t seem pleased but she offered them a small smile before wishing them a nice evening. Even stood up and took Isak’s hand, walking with him out into the street.

“That was awesome.” Isak stated.

Even brought Isak’s hand up to his knuckles and kissed him there, making Isak blush yet again. His cheeks were never not red around Even and all his cheesiness.

“And the night is still young. Come on.” Even smiled, walking away from Isak and down the street; expecting as always for Isak to follow.

Wait, their date wasn’t over yet?

“Stop thinking so hard and come with me!” Even hollered, suddenly far away enough from Isak that he had to shout. Isak hadn’t followed, too caught in his shock that they weren’t just going to go back to Even’s place.

Isak jogged towards Even and caught up with him fairly quickly. “What are we doing now?”

“You’ll see. But it may involve a bed and privacy.” Even winked at him, a mischievous glint in his eye.

Isak smiled and decided not to question anything. Wherever they ended up, he would still make Even sleep for twelve hours.

**

He wasn’t manic. He wasn’t manic. _He was not fucking manic._

He had wanted to paint his room for a long time, so he’d gone to get paint. But the arts and crafts store was conveniently by the grocery store and he needed to try that recipe he had pinned on Pinterest like weeks beforehand that was going to be delicious and oh wow he could totally make that for Isak for supper tonight after he finished his collage and added all the colours of the rainbow to it but mostly green because Isak’s eyes were green and it was becoming Even’s favourite colour and…

He’d forgotten all the burners were on when he’d gone out to get the suits because an even better idea was taking Isak to his favourite restaurant but Isak needed something suitable to wear and haha ‘suitable’ meaning a suit. Wow. So Even had to go and do that.

Sure, he’d missed school. Sure, he wasn’t exactly sleeping great but he did really have this big assignment coming up but it had been due last week and there was no point doing it now so why not miss school and do all these nice things for Isak who deserved them. He deserved the world and stars and the heavens and holy fuck Even was going to make this night the best thing ever.

Isak was looking at him in a weird way but that was okay because Isak just didn’t understand how excited he made Even, how all his thoughts went towards Isak like he was the center of the earth and Even was pulled in by his huge gravitational force, helpless to ever stop it. Even just kept thinking I have to show Isak what he means to me, what he does to me and look at this restaurant and the nice people and the live music and let me almost fuck you in the bathroom because the thought of waiting to get to our nice hotel suite that I booked is just too much to bare, gotta have you now now now now now now now.

But Even made himself wait because Isak deserved more than being fucked for the first time in some bathroom, trying to stifle his moans, Even wanted to hear him and hear him for days, never leaving until they were both sore and sated and so wrapped up in each other that Even could forget that everyone was alone and why was everyone always alone all the time, why did the universe have to make everything so insignificant but it didn’t matter now because Even was holding Isak’s hand and they were here at the hotel and everything was going to be okay.

“I have a reservation.” Even was saying to the nice Danish lady who worked at the hotel, who was looking at him like Isak had been looking at him all night.

Even didn’t remember walking here. But he’d gotten them here and that’s all that mattered and he touched Isak like he wanted the whole world to know he belonged to Even; that nothing else and nobody else could come close to how much Even loved Isak.

And he meant it. He meant it so much he could die from the feeling of loving Isak. He knew it was real. It was real, it was real, it was so fucking _real._

“Isn’t this man beautiful?”

Even wrapped his hand around Isak’s neck and Isak chuckled uncomfortably, blushing under Even’s gaze and the Danish lady’s gaze. But it was all right because they were here and they were going to be okay and everything was absolutely fine.

Even was in love and the world was small and dark and lonely but right now it wasn’t.

**

Even was looking at Isak’s beautiful face one moment, under the bright lights of the elevator, and the next moment he was barely able to see in the darkness.

Where was he? He called out for Isak but there was no reply. He needed to focus his eyes. Focus his eyes, damnit. It was so fucking cold. So excruciatingly cold.

“Even?”

The voice didn’t belong to Isak but it was familiar.

“Even, you’re all right. They’re taking you to the hospital.”

What? _What?_

“You’ve had an episode.” Sonja said, her voice piercing through him like a knife. It was always her that he heard after he’d blacked out. Fuck, fuck.

“It’s okay now.”

It wasn’t okay. It wasn’t okay at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was trying to channel a 'stream of consciousness' kind of thing during Even's POV. Hope it reads all right, but I know the paragraphs and sentences are not grammatically correct. That's on purpose. 
> 
> Thanks for all the love. Comments always welcome and appreciated :)


	11. Fantasy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't think I forgot about the hotel scene ;)

Isak’s hands were shaking and it wasn’t from the cold. He was shaking because he was terrified. Even was just _gone_. He’d walked out of the hotel in the dead of night without clothes on and now Isak couldn’t find him.

He was shouting Even’s name as he ran, dodging his head in every direction, not knowing where to look; fearing that he wouldn’t look the right way and he’d miss him. What if Even got beat up? Arrested?

Fuck. He could call the police station and see if he was there. But what if he wasn’t and it alerted them to a random boy wandering around without clothes on?

Fuck, fuck, _fuck!_

Isak tried calling Even but he realized that was pretty stupid. He had Even’s phone with him. Even had walked out with only shoes on and nothing else. He didn’t take his phone or his wallet or anything.

Isak tried to open Even’s phone to get to his contacts but the phone was dead. He didn’t know Even’s parents’ number. He didn’t know any of Even’s friends’ numbers either. He didn’t know who else to call for Even. He couldn’t do anything to try and help.

But then Isak suddenly stopped and remembered the text message he had received when he’d first gotten to the hotel. It had been from Sonja.

_21:47: Isak, this is Even’s Sonja. I need you to call me when you are not with Even. It’s very important. Please call me._

Isak had brushed it off when he’d seen it, thinking she was just trying to say something that would make Isak break up with Even. Maybe she was still jealous. But now she was literally the only other person who could maybe help him so he pressed call.

“Hello?” She answered, her voice groggy from sleep.

“Something has happened to Even! I don’t know what to do!” Isak basically screamed into his phone, feeling tears on his cheeks. He couldn’t fucking breathe.

“Isak take a deep breath. What happened?” Sonja said, her voice calm. Isak didn’t understand how she could be so calm right now.

“He walked out without clothes on, and now I can’t find him. He didn’t take his phone and I can’t find him, Sonja! Please. What’s happening?” Isak wailed.

“Isak, text me where you are. I’m going to call some hospitals and the police stations. I’m coming to you, okay? Just stay there.” Sonja commanded, and then she hung up.

Isak looked around for a street name and immediately texted her. He sat down where he was and let out a sob, still shaking violently. He knew he was panicking. He remembered how this felt. But it was worse this time because Even wasn’t here and Isak didn’t know if he was okay.

Twenty minutes later, a cab pulled up in front of Isak and he stood up. Sonja got out, her phone pressed to her ear and she gave him a disapproving look. She thanked the person on the other line and then disconnected the call.

“The police have him. He hurt his arm trying to break into some shop. They are taking him to the hospital.” Sonja said, again so fucking calmly that it made Isak want to scream. But he also slumped over, hands on his knees, in utter relief. Even was _okay._

“I’m going there to be with him. Go home, Isak.”

Isak looked up at her as she turned to get back into her waiting cab. He reached for her on instinct, clutching her and making her turn back around. “Wait!” He pleaded.

She twisted out of his grasp and put a good three feet between them. “Don’t touch me.”

“Just tell me what’s going on! Please! I don’t understand…” Isak began, feeling stupid for crying but he cared about Even so much and he couldn’t help feeling like this was his fault.

“Of course you don’t understand! You don’t understand anything, Isak, because you don’t actually _know_ Even. You don’t know the first thing about him and what he is!”

Isak took in a shuddering breath and remained silent; the words like a slap.

“He’s manic, Isak. He has manic episodes like tonight where he goes off the rails and does crazy shit because he’s bipolar! Did you not notice how erratic he’s been this past week? I saw him once at school and I immediately knew. He hasn’t been sleeping – that’s the biggest sign. But I guess it was all so easy for you to ignore so you could pretend that he’s in love with you. Does it feel good now, Isak? Does living out your stupid fantasy really matter that much so you completely ignored how bad off he’s been?”

Isak felt sick to his stomach. “I didn’t know…He didn’t tell me.” He whispered, unable to steady his breathing; unable to stop the painful throb of his heart inside his neck.

“You’re not very observant then, Isak. Spotting an episode isn’t exactly rocket science.” Sonja snapped, breathing out harshly. “I’m going to the hospital now. Can you just stay away? You’re not good for him.”

“But I…”

“You’re not, Isak. Clearly you don’t care. You got what you wanted from him. Now back off.” Sonja snarled, turning away once again like this was over.

But that just made Isak furious.

“I do care! It’s not my fault he didn’t tell me!” Isak shouted, once again walking towards Sonja, this time putting himself in front of the cab; blocking her exit. “I care about him a lot. I love him, okay? He went out of his way to keep this from me. But I didn’t start something with him to play out a kind of fantasy, what the fuck are you thinking? He means more to me than I can express so you need to shut the fuck up about things you don’t understand.”

Sonja opened her mouth to say something else, but then closed it shortly after. She looked down at her feet.

“I’m not just walking away from him. I don’t care if he’s bipolar. I don’t give a fuck! He’s been there for me through everything. You think I just wanted his money and sex and that’s it? You don’t know me at all, Sonja.” Isak spat, not knowing how he could speak right now. He hadn’t felt himself capable of it minutes ago. But she had no right to tell him that he didn’t care.

Sonja continued to say nothing for a long few moments, and Isak was glad because he was trying to compose himself. It ended up being the cab driver who spoke next, startling Isak.

“Lady, you getting back in or what?”

Sonja looked over Isak’s shoulder to the cab driver and nodded. “Yes. We’re both coming.” She said strongly, catching Isak’s eye. He looked back at her in surprise.

“What?”

“Let’s go to the hospital. If you really want Even, you need to see this side of him.” Sonja said, walking past Isak and sitting down in the cab. He followed her dumbly, still clinging onto Even’s clothes.

Isak looked over at Sonja as the cab headed towards the hospital. He wanted to ask a million questions. He wanted to know why Even would keep this from him. He wanted to know if this was his fault. He wanted to know why Sonja thought he only had some kind of ‘fantasy’ relationship with Even. _Had_ he been living in a fantasy?

“Why did you say this was a fantasy? Why would you say that?” Isak asked, not knowing he was going to ask until he had.

Sonja looked over at him, her face unreadable. “Do you know what ‘being manic’ means, Isak?”

“He…he freaks out sometimes? Like, does something really spontaneous and reckless?”

“Yes. But it isn’t just one day where he has some kind of impulsive, crazy thought. It usually involves doing a lot of things over a period of time. He might have more energy, talk really fast. Or not sleep. He might waste a lot of money, which God knows is easy for him considering his family’s circumstances. That’s why episodes aren’t hard to spot. Maybe for you it was because you didn’t know, but if you had known…you would have seen this coming.” Sonja explained. She gave Isak a sympathetic glance before adding, “I’m sorry I freaked out. I thought you knew. Even has been on meds for it for a while and I thought he was stable. I thought he would have opened up to you about it.”

Isak sat back against the seat and tried to breathe. Tried to _think._ But everything was a jumble. So, Even had been manic for a long time? He hadn’t seemed manic when they first met. Maybe it had only been within the last week or so. Fuck.

But then Isak’s heart literally felt like it was going to explode inside his chest.

Impulsive behaviour. Spending money recklessly.

Like paying for Isak’s rent and buying him all new furniture?

Like missing a lot of school so he could come and meet someone he barely knew?

Like taking Isak to one of the most expensive restaurants in Oslo, and renting them an equally as expensive hotel suite?

Isak couldn’t breathe.

Sonja must have seen his distress because she placed a cold hand on his knee. “Isak?”

“I think…” Isak began, swallowing down what felt like a brick lodged inside his esophagus. “I think he’s been manic this whole time.”

She frowned. “Whole time?”

“Since we’ve been together. He…he offered to…to pay for things for me. My rent. My stuff…I…” Isak practically choked, clutching onto his chest.

_It wasn’t real. Even didn’t love him. Couldn’t love him._

“Isak…” Sonja began, clutching onto Isak but the touch felt like too much. He squirmed away from her, not knowing where to go or what he needed.

Actually, he did know what he needed but he couldn’t have that anymore. He couldn’t have Even’s reassuring voice soothing him, his long arms wrapped around Isak and rocking him.

Because Even didn’t love him. Even hadn’t been thinking clearly. Even hadn’t really seen Isak at all.

“Please pull over. Please let me out!” Isak suddenly shouted.

“But we’re almost there. Isak…”

“Let me out now!”

Sonja looked worried for Isak, but she managed to tap on the separation wall between them and the cab driver and said, “Please pull over. My friend needs out.”

The cab driver mumbled something incoherent but did as she asked. As soon as the car stopped moving Isak opened the door and hopped out, leaving Even’s clothes on the seat next to Sonja.

“Isak, wait a second. Would you just…”

“I hope he’s all right. I hope he’s okay. I do. I just can’t be there. I can’t be there and know that he doesn’t love me. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I didn’t see it.” Isak said, the words blending together. He didn’t know if Sonja actually understood him, but he closed the door and started running; couldn’t bear to look back.

**

**4 hours earlier**

As soon as they got into the hotel suite, Even was all over Isak. They were immediately on the large, king sized bed, hanging onto each other like they didn’t want to ever let go while also trying to let go long enough to remove their clothes.

Isak ended up laughing, realizing this situation was going nowhere.

“Even, let go of me for a second.”

“Never. I’m never letting you go.” Even replied, his voice dripping with lust. He licked into Isak’s mouth again, rolling Isak onto his back. Even put his weight on Isak, thrusting against him and making them both moan.

“But I want to feel you.” Isak whined, wrapping a hand in Even’s hair and pulling.

After a few more moments of frantic kissing, Even finally sat up and gave them enough space so they could strip themselves. Even’s eyes never left Isak, his gaze trailing up and down Isak’s body as he removed each piece of clothing.

By the end of it, they were both naked and breathless and Isak could feel himself blushing all the way down to his navel. But he didn’t look away.

“God, you’re beautiful.” Even said, reaching for Isak again the next second and bringing him on top of Even’s lap this time, making Isak straddle him.

Isak was fine with this. Completely.

“I can’t believe…” Isak began, placing kisses all along Even’s neck and chest. “That you did all this for me.”

Isak mostly meant dinner and now the hotel. It was cheesy romantic and suited Even’s style and Isak was grateful for it all. He’d never been given so much attention before. But he also meant everything else Even had given him. He didn’t really have words to express it all. He didn’t know how he’d ever repay Even.

“I’d do anything for you, baby. _Anything._ Isak, I’d give you the world. Will you let me give you the world?” Even babbled, his voice gone hazy. Isak assumed it was because of that fact that Isak was grinding his hips down, feeling Even’s cock rub against his ass.

Isak couldn’t think properly as Even reached a hand up and rubbed lightly over Isak’s rim. Isak could slightly feel the stretch, where Even’s fingers had been not even an hour before. He wanted them back there, he wanted to feel it deeper and faster. Harder. He wanted it right now.

“You going to let me?” Even repeated. “Let me give you everything?”

“ _Yes._ Please, Even. Please.”

Before long, Even had Isak on his back again, condoms and lube beside them and Even was three fingers deep inside Isak. He went slowly this time, so agonizingly slowly that Isak kind of wanted to punch something. It was so good. And he was so hard and panting, and Even didn’t have a hand on his dick and he still felt like he was going to come.

Even was above him, watching how Isak squirmed and pushed back into Even’s fingers, taking them in deeper, never wanting them out. It was all so fucking good.

“You could come like this, couldn’t you?” Even suddenly asked, his eyes wide. Isak couldn’t handle Even looking at him like that; his eyes filled with wonder and lust and why the fuck did someone as beautiful as Even want _him?_ How had Isak managed to make Even fall in love with him?

“Because you’re beautiful, Isak. Because you can’t see yourself the way I see you. You’ll never know what you do to me.” Even whispered, and apparently Isak had asked that question out loud. He was too close to the finish line to be embarrassed.

“Come on, Even. Now. _Now.”_

Isak spread his legs wider after Even slowly removed his fingers, putting a condom on himself and coming back between Isak’s legs. Isak reached for him, wrapped a hand around the back of Even’s neck and pulled him down into a kiss just as Even started to push in.

Isak gasped and his body tried to get away from the intrusion but Even ran a soothing hand along Isak’s side, his other hand near Isak’s face where he was stroking his neck. Even was everywhere and Isak couldn’t breathe properly but it was all right because it was the best feeling in the world. Nothing had ever compared to this.

“Let me in. Let me make you feel good.” Even said, pushing a bit deeper as he held Isak in place. Isak’s body finally relaxed, letting Even sink in a few more inches until he was finally all the way in. The sounds Even was making made Isak’s dick twitch. He sounded desperate and lost in the feeling just as much as Isak.

Isak was overwhelmed. He didn’t know where to keep his hands so he kept grasping at Even’s hair and his hip, pulling Even closer and then pushing him away a little bit; inadvertently making Even start thrusting into him. And hell to the fucking _yes please_.

“That’s it, baby. Move your hips. Fuck yourself on me.” Even whispered, keeping his body still as Isak continued to move - setting the pace and the depth himself. It was good because then he wasn’t worried about pain or something happening too fast. Isak had never been more grateful that Even seemed to know exactly what he needed.

When Isak felt completely comfortable and most of the slight pain subsided he stopped moving and looked Even in the eyes, beckoning him to move now. He placed his hands on Even’s ass and pulled him into himself, the hardest thrust so far. Even groaned deep in his throat at the motion.

“Can I move now?” Even gasped.

“Yeah. Fuck me.”

Even started to move his hips erratically now, like he had been trying so hard to hold back and now that he’d been given permission to let go he fucking gave it to Isak like the world was ending. It was a lot, vastly different than what Isak had been doing before, and it punched the breath out of Isak’s lungs, but it also brought Isak close to the edge again in less than a minute. Even hiked up Isak’s legs to his shoulders, the angle allowing for an even deeper thrust that hit Isak’s prostate again and again. Even put a hand on Isak’s jaw, tilting his mouth up and kissed him hard.

“Even,” Isak panted, saying his name over and over.

“Close?”

Isak could only nod and hold on to Even’s hips for dear life. Even moved the hand he had on Isak’s jaw between their bodies and started to stroke Isak’s dick, forcing Isak’s eyes closed against the onslaught of pleasure.

“Come for me, Isak.” Even whispered, thrusting faster now. It was only a few more seconds before Isak basically screamed out Even’s name and came between their bodies, the rush of it so intense that it brought tears to Isak’s eyes. They fell down his cheeks as Even kept fucking him through his orgasm, whispering praise the entire time.

“Fuck. You’re so good. So good for me, Isak. Goddamn.” Even mumbled, closing his own eyes now once he saw that Isak was entirely finished.

Isak could sense that Even was close too, so he pulled Even into him and moaned for it even though he was overstimulated; even though his body was tingling with aftershocks. Even moaned high in his throat, his whole body going taut as he came, filling the condom and panting into Isak’s neck.

Isak stroked a hand through Even’s hair, feeling his sweaty neck. He kissed along Even’s cheek and jaw as the older boy came back to himself, and he smiled when Even finally looked up at him.

They didn’t say anything. They didn’t need to. Isak could just feel what they had together. So they kept on smiling until Even pulled out gently and collapsed beside Isak, bringing the other boy’s face on his chest.

“Cuddles after sex, huh?” Isak teased, burrowing himself deeper into Even’s side.

“You love it.”

“I do.”

**

Isak fell asleep on Even’s chest, drifting off easily. He woke up an hour or so later to the sound of the door closing. He sat up and rubbed his eyes, surprised by what he saw when he looked over to the window.

Even was sitting on the floor with a bunch of plates around him, smiling at Isak. “I ordered room service! You have to try this burger. It’s fucking _amazing._ ”

Isak sat up and laughed hesitantly. “You wanted more food? Even after the dinner tonight?”

“Isak Valtersen, are you calling me fat?” Even asked, clutching his chest in fake bewilderment. “I’m hurt. Truly.”

Isak just shook his head and got out of bed, quickly realizing he had no clothes on. He looked around for his boxers and pulled them up before sitting next to Even and trying this so-called amazing burger.

Fuck. It was really good. And Isak was kind of hungry now too.

Even saw that Isak was impressed and pushed a tray over to him. Isak opened it and refrained from choking on his own spit. There was a steak on the tray as well as a hamburger. Beside it there were fries. Isak saw how many other trays there were and couldn’t help but remember how Even’s kitchen looked earlier today; how much food he had made that would go to waste.

“Are we having a dinner party I didn’t know about?” Isak asked, trying to keep the mood light-hearted.

Even laughed big and loud, throwing his head back. “No. I just told the hotel to bring up two of everything from the menu.”

Isak frowned. “W-why?”

“Because I love you.”

**

Isak had brushed his teeth and gotten back into bed, pulling Even with him even though Even insisted that he wanted to stay up for a while longer.

“You need sleep, baby. Come on.” Isak said, turning the lights off and snuggling close to Even. Luckily, Even obliged. “I’m sure you’ll fall asleep soon. Just try.”

“Anything for you.” Even whispered, kissing Isak again before Isak put his head down on Even’s chest. He could feel his eyelids drooping already.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Isak asked, feeling better about asking the question into the darkness of their room. It felt safer, like Even couldn’t see how worried Isak actually was.

“What do you mean? Of course I’m okay. Did you not just spend this awesome day with me? Have we been in parallel universes? Have you been somewhere that you didn’t get fucked by me after spending an amazing night together eating great food?” Even chuckled, rubbing Isak’s back too quickly.

Everything seemed to be moving too quickly with Even today.

Isak rolled his eyes and looked up at Even in the darkness, knowing Even was teasing him about his parallel universes theory that he actually thought was fascinating. “I never should have mentioned that theory. You’re stupid.” Isak said, feigning anger.

“Maybe in another universe I’m not stupid, though. Was it non-stupid Even you spent this evening with? Hmm?” Even continued, holding back his laughter.

“God, shut up!”

“You know you love me.” Even whispered, his voice suddenly more serious as he moved Isak’s face up to a kissable level.

“Yeah. I do.” Isak said easily, kissing Even again.

Isak was almost asleep, could feel himself falling into a dream, when he heard Even speak again; so quiet that it nearly went unnoticed.

“How many Isaks and Evens are lying like this right now? In all your parallel universes?”

Isak didn’t open his eyes to reply but he smiled as he said, “Infinite.”

And then he fell asleep.

**

**Now**

Isak ran all the way to Jonas’s house and banged on the door. He knew it was still early in the morning. He knew that this was stupidly inappropriate and that Jonas’s mother was probably going to ban Isak from coming over ever again but he didn’t care. He needed someone; someone to make this better.

“Jonas! Jonas, please!” Isak yelled.

Fuck. He was yelling again. He couldn’t figure out how to turn the volume down.

Luckily, it was Jonas who opened the door and not his mother. He looked red-eyed and half sleep and absolutely terrified when he saw the state Isak was in.

“Isak…” Jonas tried to say, but before he could continue Isak threw himself into his friend’s arms, sobbing loudly.

“It wasn’t real! It wasn’t real!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY.  
> The tag says 'Angst with a Happy Ending' though, so keep this in mind :) and please don't give up on Isak. He's had a rough go of it, and he's feeling kind of desperate atm based on what Sonja said. 
> 
> Comments always welcome and appreciated! :)


	12. In Every Universe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a head's up for a lot of changing POV's in this chapter!

Even opened his eyes and saw his father looming over him, a hand on Even’s pulse in his wrist while he listened to Even’s heartbeat with his stethoscope. Even shuddered at the cold metal on his back, groggily trying to remember what was going on.

“How are you feeling, son?” Dr. Henrick asked, sitting down on Even’s bed.

Even looked around and realized he was in his old room at his parent’s house. The windows were all closed but he could tell there was light outside. It seemed to be the middle of the day. He couldn’t quite remember what day of the week it was. He opened his mouth to speak and realized his throat was as dry as the desert.

“Fine.” Even managed to get out, sitting up and reaching for the water on his bedside table. He gulped it all down.

Dr. Henrick gazed at him for a long moment, his face in a frown before he nodded and stood back up. “You had an episode. Do you remember?”

Even tried to make his brain focus long enough to think about what had happened. He vaguely remembered Sonja’s face. But that was during his come-down after every episode so that didn’t help much. Then he thought of the shop. He’d tried to get something. But the shop had been closed…

Shit. He lifted his arm and saw the enormous bandage that stretched from the top of his shoulder nearly down to his wrist. It throbbed as Even stared at it and he clenched his teeth.

“You broke into a hardware store. God only knows why.” His father scoffed, shaking his head. “But you broke the glass with a brick and put your arm straight through, cutting it pretty deep. Your arm is full of stitches.”

Even kept his eyes on his arm; didn’t want to see his father’s mean face.

“The owners aren’t pressing charges. Luckily.”

Why had Even been at a hardware store? What had he been trying to get? Had he been alone? Why the fuck couldn’t he remember?

“Your mother asked me not to overwhelm you, but I can’t just keep my mouth shut, Even.” Dr. Henrick snapped, kneeling down in front of Even. He made his son look at him by pulling his head up by his chin. “You remember Isak Valtersen?”

Even felt his eyes go wide in horror.

 _Isak._ No, no, no, no.

Dr. Henrick saw recognition in Even’s eyes. “Yeah. That boy is back in the hospital, Even. He was hysterical after what happened.”

“W-what?” Even whispered, sitting up in his bed and running a hand through his hair anxiously. “No, what do you mean? What did I do to _him?”_

“You scared him! You left in the middle of the night, naked and without your phone. He was running around trying to find you. He thinks you’re in love with him, the poor boy.” Dr. Henrick looked enraged now. “I told you to stay away from him. I told you he needed stability and now look what’s happened, Even!”

Even started hyperventilating. The thought of Isak alone right now, thinking Even didn’t love him…oh god. He had to go to him now.

Even attempted to get out of bed but his father pushed him back down and blocked his way when he tried again.

“I have to see him!” Even wailed.

“He isn’t seeing visitors right now, and you won’t be seeing him anymore anyway. You’ve done enough damage, Even.” His father’s voice was low and cruel and cut right into Even’s heart.

“I do love him. I do. It wasn’t something I made up.” Even said, tears rushing into his eyes as he stared into his father’s unforgiving face.

“It seems that you’ve been manic for weeks, Even. You bought that boy new furniture? You paid months of his rent in advance? I saw the suits you bought and the state of your place.” Dr. Henrick listed off, clucking his tongue. “Even, I don’t think you know what’s real at all right now.”

Even swallowed hard and sat back down on his bed; the breath rushing out of him in a defeated sigh. He knew it was pointless to argue, to justify himself. His father always made him feel that everything he ever felt was fake. A symptom of his illness. There had been times when Even felt things or believed things that weren’t real, but this wasn’t one of them. He may have had an episode, but when he’d met Isak he had been fine. It had been under control.

He didn’t hallucinate falling in love with Isak.

“Sleep, Even. I called school and told them you’d be gone. Don’t worry.” Dr. Henrick snapped, walking over to Even’s bedroom door.

“Will you take care of him?” Even whispered just before the door would have closed.

His father turned to look at him once more. He frowned and shook his head again in disappointment. “I’m going to try and undo what you’ve done. Just stay away, Even. This boy deserves better.”

He closed the door lightly behind him but the sound of it felt like a slap across Even’s wet cheeks.

**

_“You can’t make me leave him.”_

_“I’m here now, Jonas. Go home and get some rest.”_

_“He wouldn’t want me to leave. He wouldn’t want me to leave him here with you!”_

_“Excuse me?”_

_“He doesn’t want anything to do with you! That hasn’t changed.”_

_“I’m his father. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t want to speak to me. I’m still his father and that won’t change, especially now that he’s back in the hospital. I have every right to be here.”_

_“You have no right at all.”_

Isak could hear the conversation but he was too groggy to respond. He wanted to defend Jonas and tell his father to leave. But he also knew that Jonas was exhausted and needed rest and shouldn’t have to deal with his bat-shit crazy best friend.

But goddamn these drugs were strong and so were the restraints keeping Isak to the bed. So he didn’t get a chance to say anything at all.

He passed out moments later to the sound of someone storming out. He didn’t know who it was or who was now holding his hand.

**

Dr. Big-Nose was the next face Isak saw when he opened his eyes. He swallowed thickly, not wanting to talk to this man. _Even’s step-father._ But he noticed he was no longer restrained to the bed so maybe he was being discharged.

“Hello, Isak.”

Isak didn’t reply. He sat up slowly, his head throbbing, and he was handed a glass of water by Dr. Big-Nose. He drank it all, trying not to choke. Fuck, his throat was dry.

“How long have I been here?” Isak croaked out.

“Three days.”

Fuck. How had it gotten back to this again?

“I know you must be scared, Isak. But we had to sedate you. When Jonas brought you in, you were past the point of being hysterical. You were a danger to yourself.”

Isak didn’t really remember. It was all a haze after he got out of that cab. But he remembered everything up until that point. He remembered learning about Even being bipolar.

And that he didn’t love Isak. Because everything Even had been doing was a result of his manic episode.

Isak found himself laughing, clutching his stomach as wave after wave of laughter hit him. By the end of it, there were tears rolling down his cheeks as he stared back at Dr. Big-Nose.

“Guess you know about me and your son, right?” Isak asked, still smiling.

The tears weren't going away though. They kept coming.

“Yes. I know you two were involved.”

“Then you know he doesn’t love me, right? You know it was all bull-shit?” Isak asked, his voice quickly rising.

“You need to try and calm down, Isak. I wanted you to get out of this bed today.”

“What’s the point, though? Won’t this just keep happening? People will keep leaving me after they pretend to love and care about me? Won’t that just be the same again and again and again? In every fucking universe that exists, somebody fucking leaves me!”

Dr. Big-Nose reached into his pocket for a needle and Isak felt the pain of it a second later in his bicep. It was a welcome fix.

“Sleep again, Isak. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

“At least I can count on you, huh Dr. Big-Nose?” Isak slurred, his eyelids drooping.

He managed to laugh again once more before he surrendered to the darkness.

**

_“I said go home, Jonas.”_

_“I did. I went home and showered and changed my clothes. Now I’m back.”_

_“I can handle this myself!”_

_“I’m his best friend and I care about him more than you ever have, or will. So let me fucking stay with him!”_

_“I will have security remove you.”_

_“Why? Because you want to prove you’re not a failure as a father? Want to step in and be Isak’s father now that it’s too late?”_

_“Jonas, you have no fucking right…”_

_“He doesn’t need you!”_

_“You get out of this hospital right now!”_

**

_“I’m worried about his school assignments again. He fell so far behind.”_

_“We’ll make sure he catches up when he returns. I don’t think it will be long now before the yelling stops.”_

_“He really doesn’t ever speak normally, Dr. Henrick?”_

_“No. Your son has been in quite the state.”_

_“You said it’s because of your son?”_

_“Even has had an incredible influence over Isak. Without my knowledge. Even is bipolar and has been in a manic episode, meaning he does a lot of reckless things. He made Isak believe that he loves him. But obviously, they’re just kids. And Even has a reputation for reeling people in and then not sticking around enough to truly care for them. Did you know Even has been paying for your son’s apartment and new furniture?”_

_“What?”_

_“Yes. He’s been spending more money than we can afford on Isak. It’s one of the biggest signs with Even. If he’s manic, he is usually spending money.”_

_“Jesus. I had no clue. Isak wouldn’t talk to me. I just figured he was with a friend. I can repay you what your boy spent…”_

_“No. Don’t worry. I just cannot give anything else, if you understand.”_

_“Yes, I understand.”_

**

_“Isak? I’m sorry I left you. Your fucking dad made me leave. But I snuck back in. I brought Magnus and Mahdi.”_

_“Bro, I’m sorry about Even.”_

_“Magnus. What the fuck did I say?”_

_“I just wanted him to know I think it’s a really shitty situation. But Isak, my mom is bipolar. It’s not as bad as…”_

_“Magnus, not now. He won’t be able to understand.”_

_“He isn’t dead, Jonas. Hey, Isak. It’s Mahdi. Don’t listen to these fools.”_

_“He won’t even look at us?”_

_“Most days he just stares off. But I think he can hear us.”_

_“Isak, buddy. We love you. Know that, please.”_

**

_“Isak. You have to eat. Doctor’s orders.”_

_“He hasn’t touched any meal I’ve brought in for the past two days. Not even juice.”_

_“Isak. Come on. This sandwich actually looks edible.”_

_“I’ll have to tell Dr. Henrick.”_

**

Isak spiraled in and out of consciousness, catching some conversations here and there. He felt like he was awake for a lot of the day, but he generally couldn’t move. Lifting his body hurt. Walking hurt. Trying to see people was too much.

He didn’t speak to anyone except Dr. Henrick. When he did speak, he screamed. He screamed bloody murder and told Dr. Big-Nose that he was a horrible doctor and a horrible father and every insult he could think of before he passed out again from exhaustion.

After nearly three days of not eating, Isak’s stomach finally started to hurt. He could feel the pain of it; stabbing his guts. Up until then, he had been numb to everything. Every sensation was dulled to the point of nearly being gone.

When he asked for food, in an actual speaking voice, his nurse looked overjoyed. She brought him two portions of the evening meal and then snuck him some apple juice and an extra slice of cake.

Isak ate it all and then slept for another twelve hours. He dreamt of nothing.

**

“I’m ready to go back to school.” Isak stated, already dressed and waiting on his bed for when Dr. Big-Nose walked in.

“Isak, I haven’t discharged you.”

“I’m ready to leave. I’m eating. My heartrate has been fine. I’m not yelling. I’m level-headed. I’m going back to my apartment which I still have for another month and a half, thanks to your generosity, and then I’ll move back in with my father once that month and a half is up. I’m well adjusted, wouldn’t you say?” Isak asked, his voice neutral.  

“I’d say a little too well-adjusted, Isak. A lot has happened this week and I…”

“You want me back in therapy again? Sure. But not with you.” Isak interrupted. “I don’t want to look at your face anymore, and you won’t keep me as a patient like Even. It’s too close. I’ve fucked your son. That makes this a conflict of interest, wouldn’t you agree?”

Dr. Big-Nose seemed speechless for a moment, before he finally nodded and cleared his throat. “Fine. I will sign the release papers. You will see Dr. Watkins, a respected psychiatrist who also works here. Two days a week again.”

“Great. See you never.” Isak snapped, grabbing what little belongings he had and walked towards the door.

“You don’t want to know about Even?” Dr. Big-Nose asked, turning on his heel as Isak walked past him.

Isak hesitated in the doorway, his heart clenching painfully. But he made himself a promise and he wasn’t backing down now.

“No. But I hope he’s well. And you might want to consider transferring him to Dr. Watkins as well.”

**

**the bros <333**

Magnus: _Is it true you went home today, Isak?_

Mahdi: _No shit!_

Jonas: _Guys, not the right place for this…_

Magnus: _Isak talk to us when you’re ready. I hope you’re okay._

Jonas: _Seriously…Magnus and Mahdi, message Isak privately._

Magnus: _Why?? Jonas, why are you being weird? We just want to hear from Isak._

Even: _Because I’m still in this group, Mags_.

Magus: _…fuck. Shit. Sorry._

Even: _It’s okay, Magnus. I do hope you’re okay too, Isak. I’ve been trying to text you. When you’re ready, can you please text me back? I love you <3_

**Isak Valtersen left this group chat.**

Magnus: _Even…give him time, bro._

Jonas: _I don’t know if there will be enough time…Even, you might wanna just forget it_

Magnus: _Jonas. Come on_

Jonas _: I’m sorry, but I care more about Isak right now. You weren’t the one who was there that night, Magnus._

Mahdi: _We know, Jonas. :(_

Even: _I’ll leave you guys alone. But please know that I do love Isak more than I’ve ever loved anyone. Bye, guys._

**Even Bech Nӕsheim left this group chat.**

Magnus: _You really think Evak is done, Jonas?_

Jonas: _I think Isak has never been this broken before. And I can’t help but blame Even._

Magnus: _It isn’t his fault he’s bipolar. My mom is bipolar. I tried to explain but…_

**Jonas Vasquez left this group chat.**

Magnus: _UGH_

Mahdi: _Goodnight, bro. You tried._

**

Isak was lying on his bed in the darkness of his bedroom. He hadn’t moved since he had gotten home, despite Eskild’s insistence. He just couldn’t face it all yet. It was Monday tomorrow and today was the anniversary of the day he’d met Even.

Four weeks ago he’d been discharged from the hospital for the first time. Four weeks ago he’d been sitting in that waiting room and looked up to see Even smiling brightly at him.

Four weeks felt like a lifetime ago.

And now it was over. The whirlwind romance had run its course. It had been one-sided. Isak had loved Even but Even hadn’t loved Isak. But it was still Isak’s first everything. So he was taking a moment, now that he was sane, to mourn the loss of it. His brain wasn’t clouded with thoughts and racing emotions. He wasn’t screaming. He wasn’t stuck.

He could see clearly.

And he knew he had to let Even go.

Isak fell asleep that night wrapped up in the sheets he’d bought with Even that now smelled like the older boy’s shampoo. He tossed and turned on the mattress Even had picked out for its stability, exclaiming that Isak had needed “a sturdy mattress to carry him into his new life.” And he woke up to the alarm clock that Even had insisted upon because “cell phone alarm clocks are unreliable as shit.”

He also woke up to a message from Even.

_Isak. I want to tell you so many things. I’m sorry for scaring you. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for not telling you I’m bipolar…_

Isak closed his eyes, not wanting to read on. He didn’t want to see Even type the words that he didn’t mean. He didn’t want to pretend anymore that Even felt _anything_ towards him except guilt. Even was just trying to make up for what his manic brain had done. But Isak couldn’t bear it.

He clicked the edit button on the message before he allowed himself to finish reading.

 _“Do you want to delete this message?”_ His phone asked him.

He pressed accept and got up to get ready for school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I nearly cried writing this. I don't want to hurt Isak anymore, but I felt this was a realistic response to what he was going through. He's fallen hard since believing Even doesn't love him. :( 
> 
> Also, love me some protective!Jonas, am I right? 
> 
> The suffering will relent soon, I promise! Magnus has yet to say what Isak REALLY needs to hear. ;)
> 
> Thanks for all your love. Comments always welcome and appreciated :)


	13. Not Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Isak's POV only for this chapter.
> 
> **Spoilers/Warnings**  
> Isak has sex with someone else in this chapter who is a girl. If this is not for you, skip to the very end after the last set of "**" (A few people asked me to put this in as a warning, so here you go. Sorry I didn't have a warning before).

Isak was high. Like super high. So high that he kind of felt like he wasn’t even here. He was actually floating above everyone, looking down at all their stupid faces.

“I’m not stupid!” Someone shouted loudly in Isak’s ear, bringing him back to the here and now pretty fucking quickly. He turned his head, saw Magnus’s face and flinched.

“Why are you so close to me?” Isak snapped, trying to move over. But when he tried he didn’t get far because he bumped into another person. Mahdi.

And why were his legs up? Why were his legs kind of swinging?

“We’re in a bathtub.” Magnus giggled, throwing his head back and laughing.

“Who’s dumb idea was that?” Isak scoffed, knowing immediately it was Magnus.

“Yours truly.” Magnus said.

Isak huffed out a laugh and half-listened to his friends banter about girls; talking about who was fuckable and who wasn’t fuckable. Isak didn’t care, hadn’t looked at anyone since they got to this party. All their faces blurred together.

He was high and also well on his way to being drunk because he was trying to ignore his phone that was currently burning a hole in his pocket.

Even wouldn’t stop texting him. And facebook messaging him.

Jonas had told him more than once to block Even’s number and unfriend him on Facebook. But every time Isak went to do just that, he lost all his courage. He couldn’t do it. Especially since Even’s messages were always so fucking heartbreakingly sweet.

Isak had been home from the hospital for two weeks. In that time, Even had sent him approximately two hundred and seventy five messages.

But Isak wasn’t counting.

“There’s this Emma chick in first year. I’ve heard good things about her, man. Looks like Natalie Portman. Short, dark hair.” Jonas was saying, elbowing Magnus in a yeah-I’d-love-to-tap-that-bro solidarity move that Jonas always used to share with Isak.

Jonas hadn’t done that to Isak in a long time and suddenly Isak missed it. He missed feeling normal with his friends. He missed the times when he would brag about which girls he’d gotten to make out with him and how his friends would stare at him in a kind of wonder. It had never been a lie either. Girls had made out with him, and tried other things. He’d never gone further, but hell, maybe he could try it out now. Maybe it would actually turn him on instead.

Maybe he’d actually get Jonas to stop looking at him like he was going to snap again at any second.

“I’ve seen her around.” Isak said suddenly, interrupting Jonas’s current description. “This Emma chick. I’ve seen her. Real nice.”

Magnus barked out a laugh and looked at Isak skeptically. “But bro…you’re gay. Doesn’t the thought of a vagina completely turn you off?”

“No.” Isak replied, not hesitating. “I like both.” He lied.

“ _Both_?” Magnus practically shouted.

“Like pansexual?” Mahdi offered.

“No. Like, I think that’s bisexual if you like both.” Jonas suggested.

“But pansexual is when you also like both!” Magnus wailed.

“ _What the fuck ever, guys!”_ Isak yelled. “I can still get this girl. I’m going to find her tonight and get her. Still got more game that all you fuckers.”

The rest of the boys looked like they were about to protest but suddenly the door to the bathroom opened and two girls stumbled inside; laughing loudly. Isak’s heart sunk into his chest a little bit because there was the girl he’d just been talking about. Emma. And she was cute. Isak could see that. He could objectively make a comment that she was generically attractive.

But he didn’t want to ‘get her’ at all. He couldn’t have cared less about her, actually.

“God this party is boring!” Emma exclaimed, seeming to not care that four random second year boys were sitting in the bathtub. But the other girl she was with eyed them all cautiously.

“I have to pee.” The other girl said.

“Go on, then.” Jonas said. “We won’t watch.”

The girl pulled her panties down discreetly and sat on the toilet, avoiding their eyes and looking back at Emma who had begun rummaging through the vanity drawer. Isak assumed she was looking for some kind of pills.

“Hello.” He said, after all his boys raised their eyebrows in encouragement for him to go after her.

Emma straight-up ignored him and kept searching. Isak knew he had to try something else; something that would for sure capture her attention.

He cleared his throat and tried to ignore the vibration of his phone inside his pocket.

_Isak, please give me a chance. I’ll do anything._

“Do you know who you look like?”

This time Emma glanced at him briefly and mumbled ‘yeah’, probably imagining that he would say Natalie Portman like Jonas just had. But Isak wasn’t going to say that.

“The little girl from Stranger Things. You know, the one who looks like a boy but is actually a girl? Eleven.” Isak said, laughing and smirking up at Emma who now had a confused frown on her face. Mahdi, Magnus and Jonas all cracked up at Isak’s joke and only for a brief moment did Isak feel guilty.

“That’s so rude!” Emma’s friend snapped, shaking her head at Isak.

“No. Eleven is cute…if you’re attracted to twelve year old boys.” Isak said, continuing the somewhat rude banter and making his friends laugh louder this time.

Emma looked genuinely hurt now and she choked out a, “What?”

“I’m just kidding. Seriously.” Isak rushed in to say, putting on a please-forgive-me face. Emma seemed to relent a little bit, her eyes not leaving his. “My name is Isak. What’s yours?”

Emma’s friend rolled her eyes, not enchanted by Isak at all. But Emma’s face lit up and she smiled slightly before saying, “Emma.”

“Emma.” Isak said her name and it felt so wrong on his tongue. “You’re damn beautiful.”

Emma smiled and blushed this time. Isak knew he’d got her. He’d won. Emma’s friend stormed out just as Emma asked Isak if the pills she’d found would do anything. He got up out of the bathtub on unsteady legs and walked towards her, noticing immediately that she was holding allergy meds.

“Nah. Those will make you tired. You want something that will actually work?” He asked, reaching into his pocket.

“You have something?”

“Maybe. Want a taste?” Isak asked, putting the small pill on his tongue and raising his eyebrows in invitation.

Emma practically lunged for him, taking the pill into her own mouth and then coming back to kiss him almost a second later. Isak kissed back, making his mouth soft and pliant; inviting. She tasted like beer and some kind of sticky lip gloss and Isak didn’t enjoy it at all.

He heard some shuffling behind him and realized his friends were getting up. Someone mumbled “Good job, Isak” as the door closed and then he was alone with Emma who was making it her mission to stay attached to his face.

Isak went with it, lost in the motions of kissing. He made sure to touch her face and put a hand on her waist, pulling her body into his just a little bit. He didn’t want to do this in an impersonal way if it was going to be believable.

Isak didn’t realize what Emma was trying to do until she was on her knees and reaching for his fly, attempting to pull his jeans down. His hands flew to hers and stopped her, looking down at her stunned face.

He wanted to tell her no. He wanted to say it so badly because he didn’t want her like that. He didn’t desire her. But what he did end up saying was, “Not here.”

Emma stood back up slowly and frowned at him. “What?”

“Someone could come in.” Isak continued, his face feeling too hot.

“I can lock the door.”

“No.” Isak said firmly. “Let’s…let’s go back to mine?”

Emma hesitated for a moment, considering. Isak knew she didn’t know him and was trying to work out in her head if he was some kind of creep. But then her face softened and she put her arms around his neck, kissing his cheek.

“All right.”

**

Jonas shot Isak a worried glance as Isak motioned towards the door, trying to communicate that he was leaving. He smiled at Jonas the way he used to when he had a girl hanging off his arm. He wanted Jonas to look at him in a proud sort of way like he always used to months before.

But Jonas just gave him that same sad look that he’d been giving him since Isak had come home again. The look that said, “I see right through you and all I see is pain.”

**

The second Isak got through the apartment door, Emma was back on him. She had her hands in his hair and her body was too close to his. Isak barely had a chance to get his shoes off or attempt to walk to his bedroom.

He didn’t know where Linn or Eskild were. He hoped they were out or in their rooms because Emma didn’t seem to want to move away from the living room just yet.

“You’re hot, Isak.” Emma giggled.

This had been the extent of their conversation as they’d gotten on the bus and then walked to Isak’s place. Emma didn’t seem to have much depth or anything meaningful to say. Isak was fine with it. He didn’t need to talk about parallel universes or stupid 90s rap music or anything remotely stimulating.

He laughed and ran a hand down her back, almost touching her ass. “You too, Emma.”

He grabbed her hand and pulled her towards his room, anxious now about Eskild or Linn seeing them. He didn’t want a lecture. He didn’t want Eskild to also see right through him or ask him any more goddamn questions about Even. Or if Isak was ‘really doing okay.’ Isak never knew how to answer that question.

Isak didn’t bother turning the lights on once they got into his room. He just sat on his bed with Emma beside him in the darkness and let her kiss him, let her take the lead. She eventually pushed him down on the bed and straddled him, rubbing against his crotch.

The pressure of it was nice. Being close to another person was nice. In the darkness of his bedroom Isak could almost pretend she was someone else. He could almost pretend that the person on top of him loved him and knew him inside and out. He could almost pretend that this felt right.

Isak must have been thinking about Even more than he wanted to admit because next thing he knew, Emma’s hand touched his dick through his pants and he realized that he was hard. Like really hard.

He’d missed being touched.

_Baby, you’re so hard for me._

_God, you’re so beautiful Isak. Fuck._

Isak let out a loud moan, remembering Even’s words. Remembering that night in the hotel before everything had gone to shit. He’d missed it. He’d missed this kind of contact so much.

He hadn’t even touched himself since he’d been out of the hospital. He didn’t want to give in to that relief because he knew where all his thoughts would go. He hadn’t wanted to tease himself, hadn’t wanted to see the only face he’d never see again.

So now that Isak’s body was being touched, his skin was pulsing with sensation and he felt desperate as hell. He felt overwhelmed.

Emma undid his jeans and pulled them down, along with his boxers. She pushed his shirt up too, kissing his stomach as she lowered herself between his legs; intending to do what she’d tried to do in the bathroom. Isak just let it happen, his eyes closed so tight it was almost making his temple throb.

Isak succumbed to the pleasure of the touches, the softness of the mouth around him. He clutched onto Emma’s neck and the short strands of her hair, wishing it was longer; wishing it was just a bit longer so he could wrap his fingers in it and pull. Even had always gone crazy for that.

The image of Even with his mouth wrapped around Isak’s dick popped into Isak’s brain and made him groan; made him thrust his hips up almost too harshly. But Emma didn’t complain, didn’t stop. Isak knew it was her down there and not Even. He knew he’d have to do something to her soon to make this good for her, but in that moment he let himself remember the only person who’d ever made him feel alive; the only person he wanted between his legs.

Isak was close already. His body had been strung too tight for too long and even this façade of pleasure was enough to get him there. So he pulled Emma off of him and brought her back up to his face where he kissed her and reached to pull down her top.

“Condoms?” Emma asked, panting into their kisses.

Shit. She was really enjoying this. Isak suddenly felt guilty that he wasn’t, that he was only really picturing someone else. But it was too late to stop it now.

“Top drawer.” Isak said, motioning beside his bed. Emma reached over and grabbed one, pulling off her top and skirt before she settled back on top of Isak.

Isak shuddered at the feel of her, wet and hot between her legs. It didn’t feel unpleasant. It wasn’t turning him off, actually. Emma put the condom on him with what seemed like practice. At least he wasn’t about to take her virginity.

“Can I ride you?” Emma asked, already positioning herself over his dick.

Isak only nodded, unable to tear his eyes away from where they would soon be connected. He gulped down his guilt as she started to take him, the wet heat surrounding him actually feeling fantastic. Fucking hell.

Isak put his hands on her slim hips and let his head fall back as she started moving. He closed his eyes again. It was a bad idea because now all he could imagine was Even riding him. Even on top of him, groaning and just taking it, brushing his hands over Isak’s face, making Isak look at him. Isak pictured Even’s piercing blue eyes, the intensity of his gaze, the way his face contorted in pleasure and Isak heard himself let out a loud moan.

Emma was also moaning as she placed her hands on his chest for leverage. She was saying his name a lot and it sounded all wrong. Her moans were too high pitched, her hands too small. But Isak once again was too far gone and close to falling over the edge.

Isak still saw Even, still wished it was his tall, beautiful boy who he was inside of, but he knew he’d never have that. But the image was so visceral that Isak unconsciously reached for what he pictured being Even’s dick, wanting to pump it and feel him come. Isak actually felt Emma and put his thumb on her clit. He swallowed down his disappointment.

Emma came a few seconds later and Isak let himself go, let himself come inside her and fill the condom. The high lasted only a minute before he opened his eyes and was greeted with Emma’s pleasure stricken face. She was smiling down at him.

Her face wasn’t the one he’d wanted to see.

**

Emma stayed the night. She’d fallen asleep basically right after they’d fucked, her slender arm across Isak’s chest. He had cuddled her because he hadn’t wanted to be an asshole, but he couldn’t sleep. It was nearing 5am and he hadn’t felt sleepy at all.

His phone had kept vibrating so he turned it off, not wanting to read anything else from Even. He couldn’t bear the guilt because even though they weren’t together, what he had just done felt like a betrayal.

Isak must have drifted off because he blearily opened his eyes sometime later and saw that it was now sunny inside his bedroom. He blinked a couple of times, feeling that Emma was still pretty much in the same position as when she’d fallen asleep hours before.

Isak was about to move her and get up to go to the bathroom when he heard someone clear their throat. He jumped nearly off his bed and turned to the doorway where apparently he hadn’t looked yet.

Standing there, looking gorgeous as ever, was Even. Isak immediately felt sick to his stomach as he sat up slowly. Emma stirred beside him but wasn’t awake yet; unaware of what was happening.

“What…” Isak began to ask, but Even cut him off by throwing a key onto Isak’s bed. It landed with a soft thud on the duvet.

“I had a spare key.” Even whispered, avoiding Isak’s eyes.

Isak suddenly wanted to cry. Fuck. He’d missed Even so much.

“Even.” Isak said, not knowing exactly what to say. Isak had so many questions. Why was Even here? _How long_ had he been here? What did he want? What could Isak even begin to say?

Even didn’t give him a chance to say anything more. He turned around and walked out, shutting Isak’s door softly behind him.

Isak’s heart was hammering inside his ribcage and his breathing was uneven. He was shaking and stuck, unable to do much of anything. He couldn’t think.

Emma rolled over and opened her eyes, smiling up at Isak. “Good morning.” She said, leaning up and wrapping her arms around Isak. She kissed his cheek.

He just barely managed to steel himself from flinching away.

“Let’s go make some breakfast.” She said cheerfully, standing up and putting on Isak’s shirt which was too long for her but covered her ass. God, this was so cliché and awful. Isak wanted to die. She thought she was being cute and sexy but Isak hated everything about it.

He managed a small smile as he stood up and pulled his boxers back on. Had that really happened? Had Even really been here, or did Isak’s mind just conjure him up?

“There’s a key on your bed.” Emma commented before she opened the door and strolled out like she lived here too.

Isak blinked down at his bed for several long seconds before he shoved his fist in his mouth and let out a silent, excruciating sob.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE DON'T HATE ME.  
> This was uncomfortable as hell writing, tbh. I never imagined I would write Isak/Emma but here we are. Isak is still confused, still trying to push his feelings away. I pictured that he'd be able to sleep with a girl if he was thinking about Even. But this isn't going to be a thing.. I promise. 
> 
> Comments always welcome and appreciated! :)


	14. Becoming That Guy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Even's POV only for this chapter. 
> 
> **FYI: The texting starts with that text Isak didn't finish reading and deleted the morning after he got home from the hospital and continues through the first week of him being home.

**Monday**

08:03: _Isak. I want to tell you so many things. I’m sorry for scaring you. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for not telling you I’m bipolar. I thought I was keeping you safe but I hurt us both by not being honest. I don’t expect you to forgive me. But I need you to know that I do love you. My disease makes me think a lot of things, Isak. But falling in love with you was real. I am in love with you, Isak._

12:34: _I hope you got my last message. Isak, please. I’ll do anything. Can we talk?_

15:58: _I hope you had a good first day back._

16:09: _I’m at my apartment if you want to come over_.

21:21: _I miss your voice._

**Tuesday**

07:13: _Good morning <3_

07:45: _Have a good second day at school. I love you, Isak._

09:35: _The coffee I bought this morning is burnt and it sucks a lot._

13:12: _Baby. I miss you so much. I know you must be hurting. I’m sorry it’s because of me. Let me try and explain. What are you thinking?_

19:37: _Isak…Whatever Sonja and my step-father told you…whatever you’re feeling…let me talk to you. Let it be me who explains._

21:21: _Just because I have an illness doesn’t mean what I feel for you is fake. I love you, Isak. I love you so fucking much you can’t comprehend._

22:59: _Goodnight, baby. <3_

**Wednesday**

_07:13: Good morning. I love you_

_13:23: Good afternoon. I love you_

_15:01: I’m so sorry, Isak. You don’t understand how badly I need you to listen to me. In person._

_16:19: Please don’t hate me for what happened._

_18:03: I know you’re scared. But I love you, Isak. It was real._

_18:15: Isak…please…_

_20:16: Please baby._

_21:21: I hope you had a good day. <3 _

**Thursday**

_10:07: I miss holding you in the morning_

_10:08: I miss your crazy morning hair_

_10:31: I want to hold you so badly, Isak._

_11:23: Please don’t hate me_

_12:42: You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I will tell you that every day from now on._

_12:58: You’re beautiful_

_14:32: I miss us. I miss talking to you. I miss your voice._

_14:33: I miss your lips._

_15:03: I know I’ve been selfish. I know it was wrong to not tell you. But I was so afraid. I was worried you weren’t ready. I know this is my fault._

_21:21: Do you ever think of me?_

_21:22: Do you miss me at all?_

_23:35: Goodnight, baby. <3 _

**Friday**

_13:18: I transferred to Dr. Watkins. She’s a gem._

_14:00: Isak. God, I miss you. How are you doing?_

_15:32: Nobody will tell me what happened to you in the hospital. I want to know if you’re all right._

_16:12: If you just reply and tell me to fuck off, I’d be okay with that._

_16:17: Yell at me. Scream. Something._

_18:24: I want to come to you. But I won’t. I wouldn’t do that. But Isak… can you just consider meeting with me?_

_20:16: Could we meet somewhere on the weekend?_

_21:21: Isak…:(_

_23:31: Okay. Goodnight, love. <3 _

**

The days passed and Isak never replied. Even couldn’t keep track of how many messages he’d sent, but the second week wasn’t much better than the first. If anything, he sent more messages. On Facebook as well.

Isak saw all the ones he sent on Facebook, but he never replied.

Even tried sending stupid memes that normally would have made Isak laugh. He sent dumb jokes and pictures of cute puppies. He tried being serious. He tried giving Isak compliments. He tried everything, including talking to Jonas, who miraculously hadn’t unfriended him on Facebook.

Even: _Can you at least let me know that he’s all right?_

Jonas: _Why the fuck would you ask such a dumb question? Of course he’s not all right_.

Even: _I didn’t mean to hurt him._

Jonas: _I know. But you did._

Even: _Will you ask him to message me back?_

Jonas _: No. I’m sorry, Even. But I can’t do that to him._

Even: _Okay._

**

Even didn’t go into a deep depression like he sometimes did after episodes. He felt shitty, that’s for sure. But he didn’t feel like everything was pointless. He didn’t feel like his life was over or supposed to have never been. He just felt like a piece of shit because he hadn’t been honest.

He should have just been fucking honest.

Even wanted to go to Nissen and find Isak. His step-father had finally caved and told him when Isak got out of the hospital, but that’s all Even knew. He wanted to find Isak, see him face-to-face. Demand to know what Isak had been told by Sonja and his step-father. But he didn’t want to do that. He didn’t want to make Isak hate him more than he probably already did.

So Even waited. He went to school. He didn’t spend too much money. He took his meds and slept deeply through the night. His step-father told him that his episode was probably stress-related. He was trying to do too much and had been trying to keep too much to himself. Mainly, not telling Isak about his disorder. Even felt back to normal within a matter of days after what happened.

Except Isak wasn’t in his life anymore and everything felt wrong.

But he would wait. He wouldn’t overwhelm Isak. Even though he had a spare key to the apartment he had paid for and could technically go there whenever he pleased.

He wasn’t going to be that guy.

But then Jonas messaged him one night and Even became that guy.

**

It had been two weeks since Isak had been home. Two weeks of radio silence. Even heard the sound of his Facebook messager going off and grabbed his phone, desperate to see Isak’s name. His heart clenched a little in disappointment.

Jonas: _This isn’t good._

Even: _What?_

Jonas: _Isak just left with someone._

Fuck. What? Even’s heartrate sped up and he felt kind of nauseated.

Even: _What? What do you mean?_

Jonas: _I got him to come to a party with us tonight. He was kissing a girl in the bathroom and I just saw them leave together._

Even: _A girl??_

Jonas: _Yeah. He was all like “I’m actually bisexual” but I don’t believe that for a second…_

Even: _Fuck_

Jonas _: I know it’s dumb to tell you. But, I’ve been thinking about it. I know this isn’t your fault. You can’t help that you have a condition, man. I know you love Isak and I fucking know he loves you. He’s just being dumb right now and I want you to stop it_

Even: _Thanks Jonas. You think they’re going to Isak’s?_

Jonas: _Probably_

Even: _Okay. Wish me luck_

**

Even got to Isak’s apartment and let himself inside. He was expecting to see Isak and the girl on the couch, or maybe run into Eskild. But when he opened the door he didn’t see anyone and at first he heard nothing.

He walked inside and did his best to stay quiet. Maybe they had gone back to this girl’s place? He could almost taste his disappointment.

But then he heard it. A sound he hadn’t heard in close to a month. Isak.

He could hear Isak moaning.

Even walked silently towards Isak’s bedroom door and placed his ear up to it. Now he could hear it clearly; the desperate, breathy noises Isak was giving to someone who wasn’t Even. Even felt hot tears surge into his eyes and he choked back on his sob.

Even made himself listen to it all. He could hear the girl now too. She was moaning and yelling Isak’s name. Isak never said her name. He never said anything. He just moaned like he always did during sex, getting louder as he climaxed.

Even made himself listen because this was his fault. Isak was hurting and decided to go home with someone because of Even. Isak had fallen back into a headspace where he couldn’t be himself because everything Even had tried to give Isak had been snatched away.

Even felt like he deserved this.

When Even couldn’t hear voices anymore, he sat down on the living room couch in the darkness. He sat there for hours. Eskild and Linn never came out from their rooms. Even was alone in the quietness, trying to figure out what to do.

As he sat there, he went through a bunch of emotions. He was angry. He was angry because someone else was sleeping next to his boyfriend right now. He was angry because Isak probably wouldn’t call Even his boyfriend anymore. Not right at this moment. He was angry at himself for not telling Isak about being bipolar. He was mad at Isak for not responding to him. They could have talked this out weeks ago.

He was sad that Isak had chosen to fuck someone else. Did he really not care? Did what they have mean so little to him? For about an hour Even was furious with Isak. He wanted to say a bunch of mean things to Isak, demand to know how he even got his dick up to fuck her with. Isak had probably thought of Even during the whole thing.

But by the time the sun was rising, all anger towards Isak dwindled away like smoke. This situation was fucked. Isak had been through an indescribable amount of shit. Everything was still raw; an open wound.

Even decided that he would back off. Isak should know by now that Even would fight for Isak. Even would fight for them. But it was up to Isak whether or not he would fight too; whether he chose to stay. Even would have to leave that in Isak’s hands.

Even opened Isak’s door when he felt he couldn’t sit in the apartment any longer. He sat until his heart felt like it was in shreds on the floor. Only then did Even allow himself to open the door and get a glimpse of the person Isak had shared his bed with.

The girl had her arm around Isak’s chest and he was facing her. Their noses were nearly touching and Isak looked like he always did when he was sleeping. Content. Relaxed. Beautiful.

Even gulped down his insane jealousy. And when Isak stirred awake, blinking up blearily at his ceiling, Even made himself stay where he was in the doorway. He made himself not walk over to Isak and put him in his arms.

When Even cleared his throat, Isak jumped and locked eyes with him. The shock and embarrassment was clear in his face. Isak looked shattered. He looked on the verge of tears and Even wanted to make it better. He wanted to tell Isak everything he’d wanted to say these past weeks; the girl beside him be damned.

But he couldn’t. Not right now.

“I had a spare key.” Even said, barely hearing his own voice.

“Even.” Isak said, and fucking hell Even had missed Isak’s voice. He’d missed hearing Isak say his name.

It took all the will power in the world to leave, but Even did it. He gave Isak one last long stare before he closed the door behind him and walked out of the apartment. He made it a block from Isak’s place before he ran into an alleyway and threw up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had this part written from Even's POV when I posted the last chapter. I thought it was relevant to include why Even was at the apartment in the first place. 
> 
> Magnus is going to be appearing in the next chapter and he has a lot of things he wants to say to Isak.. so, stay tuned! ;) 
> 
> Comments always welcome and appreciated :)


	15. I Don't Deserve Him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is some much needed (and hopefully effective) comic relief via group chats and Mahdi's wise words :)   
> But also, we get down to some much needed sense-talking from the always wonderful Magnus.

Jonas: _What happened? Isak isn’t returning my calls_

Even: _I went over_

Jonas: _Okay…and??_

Even: _He was fucking that girl_

Jonas: _Fuck_

Even: _Yeah_

Jonas: _I didn’t think he’d be doing that. I thought…shit, I thought he was just showing off. I didn’t mean to make you walk in on that…_

Even: _I know, Jonas. I don’t blame you_.

Jonas: _No, fuck. This is so fucked, man. Idk what the hell is up with Issy_

Even: _Issy? ;)_

Jonas: _lol yeah…little shit needs a nickname_

Jonas: _I don’t know what’s happened, Even. I thought Isak was in a good place before and now it feels like he’s lost. Idk what to do_

Even: _Me either. But right now…Idk I think I need some time_.

Jonas: ??

Even: _He fucked her, Jonas. He fucked her and didn’t speak to me…I know he was upset and I still want him…but it’s not like this doesn’t hurt_

Jonas: … _Yeah. Fuck. I hate this._

Even: _I have to go_

Jonas: _Okay. Bye, bro_

**

**Operation Make Isak Stop Being a Fucktard <33**

_[Magnus Fossbakken created this group.]_

Jonas: _Seriously Magnus??_

Magnus: _You just told me Isak fucked Emma, Jonas! This for real needs to stop_

Mahdi: _THE FUCK MAN I WAS ASLEEP_

Magnus: _IS NOBODY CONCERNED THAT ISAK BANGED A GIRL? BISEXUAL MY FUCKING ASS_

Jonas: _Of course we’re concerned. But we can’t make him answer us_

Magnus: _You’re not worried he’s…you know…losing it again_

Jonas: _No. He’s probably still with Emma_

Mahdi: _Awkward AF_

Magnus: _We gotta go to him and make him listen_

Jonas: _lmao good luck. Isak doesn’t really listen to anyone. Except Even_

Magnus: _EVEN! I gotta add him_

Jonas: _NO_

Mahdi: _NO_

Magnus: _?? WTF why not??_

Jonas: _He walked in on them fucking…He doesn’t want to be around Isak right now. And I’ve been a dick to him too. Leave him alone_

Magnus _: Fine. Ugh. But I love Even_

Mahdi: _We all do, man_

Magnus: _Evak was supposed to be forever. It had this like epic, awesomeness quality to it, you know?_

Jonas: _FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHAT’S THE PLAN THEN_

Mahdi: _Seriously_

Magnus: _I have to tell him about my mom_.

Jonas: _WHAT THE HELL MAGNUS_

Magnus: _It’s relevant! She’s bipolar too!_

Mahdi: … _for reals?_

Jonas: _HUH_

Magnus: _You guys are dumb fucks. I’VE BEEN SAYING THIS ALL ALONG._

Jonas: _Shit_

Magnus: _Isak probably thinks a bunch of whacked out shit about Even’s feelings. I gotta like…set him straight. Put him back on the epic love track_

Mahdi: _If Even forgives him_

Jonas: _Mahdi…_

Mahdi: _What? He fucked shit up. He cheated on Even…with a fucking girl_

Jonas: _They were kind of on a break…_

Mahdi: _This chat is calling Isak a fucktard…self-explanatory my dude_

Magnus: _I’m cornering him after school tomorrow_

Jonas: _Want company?_

Mahdi: _I’m in_

Magnus: _HELL YEAH. OPERATION COMMENCE_

Jonas: _if you make us have some kind of hand-shake I’ll smack you_

Magnus: …:(

**Mahdi Disi is offline**

**Jonas Vasquez is offline**

Magnus: _I’LL JUST BRO-FIST MYSELF_

Magnus: _IN A NON-EROTIC WAY_

**

Isak didn’t show up to school the next day and he still hadn’t returned any of his friends’ text messages.

“Fuck this!” Magnus yelled to nobody in particular. The three of them stood together in the Nissen courtyard after school, staring awkwardly around and not knowing what to do next.

“We could go over.” Mahdi shrugged.

“Nah. It’ll overwhelm him.”

“Maybe he should be overwhelmed, man! I feel like we care more about fixing his stupid life than he does.” Mahdi snapped, frowning at Jonas. “I know he’s been through a lot of shit, Jonas but come on. He’s being goddamn cold.”

Jonas shook his head and swallowed down his anger.

“Isak’s been through more than anyone else I know, man. He’s been in the fucking hospital twice this year. He’s…broken.” Jonas whispered, the words making his chest feel tight.

“Yeah, but you saw the way he was with Even. You saw what Even was doing for him.” Mahdi continued, not fully understanding why he felt so passionate about this.

“I fucking love that guy. Even is the freakin’ man.” Magnus chimed in fondly.

They all smiled for a brief moment.

“And, bro…” Mahdi sighed. “Just because you’re broken doesn’t mean you have the right to break other people.”

A silence fell in the air between them. Jonas looked down at his shoes, scuffing the toe of the right one on the pavement. Magnus bit his bottom lip and nodded slightly. Mahdi looked pleased with himself.

“I gotta get home. See you guys tomorrow.” Mahdi stated, shrugging his backpack higher up on his shoulders.

“You’re just gonna go all Yoda on us and then walk off?” Magnus asked, looking baffled.

Mahdi smirked. “Like a boss.”

**

Isak was a shell of who Magnus had seen him become. And quite frankly, it was pissing Magnus off. He considered himself a pretty easy-going, laid-back dude. So the fact that he was so pissed at Isak is what made him spring into action. He said goodbye to Jonas after Mahdi left and caught the bus, making his way to Isak’s apartment.

Magnus knocked on the door and waited, panting and out of breath from his vigorous walk. Anger could really put some pep in a guy’s step. Eskild opened the door and greeted Magnus with a bright smile, welcoming him in.

“I’m afraid the grumpy little shit hasn’t emerged yet from his dungeon. I can’t get him to come out.” Eskild sighed, sitting on the couch. “And his door is locked too.”

“Shit. I really need to talk to him.”

“Well, be my guest. But don’t expect him to answer.” Eskild said, shaking his head.

Magnus wandered over to Isak’s door and knocked loudly. “Isak? It’s Magnus. I came to see you, buddy. Can you open the door?”

Nothing. No reply. Magnus looked back at Eskild and Eskild raised his eyebrows as if to say, “I told you so.”

“Isak? Seriously, open up. I just want to ask you something about…”

The door swung open so suddenly that Magnus jumped a foot back. Isak looked at Magnus with narrowed eyes. Magnus could tell immediately that Isak hadn’t been sleeping, or at least not sleeping well. Isak was wearing pajamas and smelled kind of awful. But Magnus didn’t care or dwell on it.

“What do you want?” Isak snapped.

Magnus walked into Isak’s bedroom, pushing past him because he had a feeling Isak was going to try and keep him out. “I need to talk to you.”

“Magnus! Get the hell out!” Isak demanded, whirling around.

“No, Isak. You’re going to listen to me.”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Isak, maybe just hear him out, yeah?” Eskild asked, coming to stand in the doorway. “He’s your friend.”

“Please don’t act like you’re my father, Eskild. Why can’t you all just leave me alone?” Isak whined.

“Because I care about you, Isak. And you’re going to listen to me for the next five minutes and then I’ll leave.” Magnus said in earnest, reaching past Isak to close the door. “Just give us a minute?” He asked Eskild, shooting him a sympathetic glance before the door closed in Eskild’s face.

“Five minutes and that’s it.” Isak grumbled, sitting on his bed and looking at Magnus expectantly.

Magnus sat next to Isak and got straight to the point. “My mom is bipolar, Isak.”

Isak’s eyes widened a bit at the statement and his face softened. “W-what?”

“She’s bipolar, just like Even. I know you must think this means Even’s crazy or something, but he isn’t. He just has highs and he has lows. What you saw that day was him having a high and you probably felt like you couldn’t connect to him right?” Magnus asked, not giving Isak room to wriggle his way out of the conversation.

Isak considered for a moment before he nodded. “He didn’t seem like himself.”

“Right. That’s how my mom gets too. When she’s manic I can’t get in touch with her. She doesn’t really see me and sometimes she thinks and feels things that she normally wouldn’t. Everything is heightened for her. Everything is moving quickly.”

“Even…” Isak gulped, closing his eyes when he said the name. “Even was going so fast that day too. I felt like I couldn’t keep up.”

“Okay.” Magnus said hesitantly. “Was it him acting that way that scared you? Do you feel like you can’t trust him now?” Magnus wanted to understand what Isak felt about Even being bipolar. He wanted to hear Isak say it so Magnus could explain; could try and soothe whatever doubts Isak may have.

Isak closed his eyes. “Sonja said…that when Even is having an episode he acts recklessly. He does things he normally wouldn’t, like spend a lot of money. And…Magnus, he _paid_ for this apartment for me. He bought me all this furniture. He took me out that night to the most expensive restaurant in the city. He’s…he’s been manic all along.”

Magnus scooted closer to Isak and grabbed his hands. “But Isak…think about it. That night was different, right? Did Even seem like he was jumpy when you first met? Was he acting reckless then? I know he paid for a lot of things for you, but could that be because he’s a nice person and wanted to see you get away from your dad?”

Isak looked at Magnus with lost, hopeless eyes. But Magnus could also see that Isak was considering it; really thinking back on his relationship with Even and searching for the answers to Magnus’s questions.

“Do you feel like you had contact with him at all?” Magnus prompted, waiting patiently.

Isak seemed able to answer that rather quickly. “Yes. Yeah, I do. He only really acted funny in that last week. He wasn’t sleeping…”

Magnus clapped his hands together suddenly, interrupting Isak.

“Ah! My mom doesn’t sleep much either when she’s approaching an episode. That could have been when it started, Isak. But before that, he was probably okay. Is he taking meds?”

Isak nodded. “Yeah. He said he’s been on meds for a while.”

Magnus nodded. “Okay. So what is it that made you push him away?”

Isak’s face suddenly changed and he looked scared. He looked kind of terrified. “I…I thought that everything wasn’t real. I thought because he’d been manic the whole time he didn’t actually…”

“Love you?” Magnus asked, incredulous.

“Yeah. I thought…I thought everything was just him being reckless. I thought I was just something to amuse him while he was in a high.” Isak cried, tears spilling down his cheeks. “Fuck. Magnus…”

“Isak, no. No, no, no. It was real. Just because he had an episode doesn’t mean he doesn’t actually _feel_ something for you. Have you asked him what he feels?”

“No. I…I just pushed him away. I thought he was just messaging me out of guilt. Not because he…l-loves me.”

“Jesus, Isak. Shit. You have to call him!” Magnus exclaimed, standing up. “You have to go see him!”

“But I can’t now! I fucked it all up!” Isak shouted, reaching over and knocking the lamp off his table. It smashed all over the floor.

Even had picked that lamp out for Isak.

_“To match your blue sheets.”_

_“What is this…the Martha Stewart show? Even, the fuck?”_

_“Matching is important I’ll have you know! It gives off a better flow.”_

_“Wow. Wow. It’s like I don’t even know you.”_

_“You love me.”_

_“You’re not wrong.”_

Magnus jumped back, putting his hands up. “Isak…you have to try and calm down.”

“Magnus, I can’t! He saw me! He was here and he saw me with Emma. He saw that I’d slept with her. Why did I do that? What is _wrong with me?_ ” Isak shrieked, picking anything up he could reach and throwing it across the room. “Why do I destroy everything?”

The irony wasn’t lost on Magnus. Isak was literally and metaphorically destroying everything.

Magnus pulled Isak into a hug and squeezed him tight. Even though Isak thrashed in his grip, fists pounding on Magnus’s back, Magnus held on and didn’t let go. Eventually, Isak stopped flailing and shouting. He calmed and stilled in Magnus’s arms, finally bringing his arms up to hug Magnus back. Magnus could feel Isak shaking.

“It’s not too late, Isak. Even loves you.”

“But I betrayed him. I betrayed him in the worst way, and I betrayed myself. I don’t even recognize myself, Mags.” Isak whispered.

“Take a bit of time to clear your head. Maybe a day or two. But then text him at least, yeah? Reach out to him and apologize. Then let him explain.”

Isak nodded, letting go of Magnus and sitting back down on his bed. The room was a chaotic mess but Magnus figured they could deal with that later.

“So…so you really banged Emma?” Magnus tentatively asked, actually curious now.

“Magnus, seriously?”

“But you _are_ gay, right? Like… _gay-_ gay.”

Isak rolled his sad eyes but let out a small smile. “Um, yeah. I guess I am.”

“Ha! I called it. Bisexual my ass, bro. But you…you fucked her?”

“Yes, Magnus. I did.” Isak rolled his eyes again. “And I’m a huge asshole because now she thinks we’re dating.” Isak sighed, rubbing his hands through his hair exasperatedly.

“Shit.”

“Yeah. Like I said, I ruin everything. I’ve hurt Even and now I have to hurt Emma. I don’t think I deserve love.” Isak stated. It sounded like it would be a whiney, looking-for-attention-thing to say. But Isak just looked fucking sad about it, like he believed to the very depths of his soul that he shouldn’t be loved.

“Isak, come on. Yes you do.” Magnus said immediately. “You made some mistakes. You were confused. I get it. But you just need to try and set things right.”

Isak nodded again, slowly this time. Then he said, “Thank you, Magnus. I wish I had listened to you earlier. You’re, uh…you’re pretty cool.”

Magnus smiled, flashing his teeth in pride. “You’re cool too, Isak.”

**

**Operation Make Isak Stop Being a Fucktard <33**

Magnus: _I TALKED TO FUCKTARD_

Jonas: _And??_

Magnus: _He has seen the error in his ways_

Mahdi: _Mhmm_

Magnus: _I detect sarcasm_

Mahdi: _You’d be right_

Jonas: _Give him a chance, Mahdi. Seriously_

Mahdi: _It’s not me Isak needs to convince. It’s Even_

Magnus: _AGAIN WITH THE YODA SHIT_

Mahdi: _Bye y’all. Keep me updated_

**Mahdi Disi is offline.**

Jonas: _Exiting like a boss again I suppose_

Magnus: _Dude’s got style_

**

Jonas: _Hey_

Isak: _Hey_

Jonas: _Wow. He lives_

Isak: _Shut up_

Jonas: _How’s it going, bro?_

Isak: _Shit_

Jonas: _I know_

Isak: _You?_

Jonas: _Shit_

Isak: _Why?_

Jonas: _My best friend is hurting_

Isak: _Your best friend sucks_

Jonas: _lol sometimes_

Isak: _I mess everything up, Jonas. I’m sorry I haven’t been a good friend_

Jonas: _You are, Isak. You’ve just been going through some shit. I’m sorry…I’m sorry I didn’t stop you from leaving with Emma at the party. You were wasted man_

Isak: … _why are you sorry?_

Jonas: _Because I know you don’t like her_

Isak: …

Jonas: _You love Even._

Isak: _Yeah_

Jonas: _And he loves you_

Isak: _Not anymore. He saw me…the morning after Emma stayed over_

Jonas: _I know_

Isak: ???

Jonas: _I messaged him to go and talk to you when you left with her_

Isak: _WHAT_

Jonas: _I thought he could talk to you. I thought you’d finally listen to him_

Isak: _But_ … _you told me not to speak to him. You told me I should block his number_

Jonas: _I thought it would help you. I thought Even had fucked up. But Isak, he didn’t. He didn’t mean to hurt you. He can’t…control it, I guess._

Isak: _I know…I know that now. But it’s too late now, Jonas_.

Jonas: _Why?_

Isak: _I messaged him_.

Jonas: _And? The suspense is killing me, bro_

Isak: _He told me he needs some space_

Jonas: _He told me that too_

Isak: _I swear it’s actually you two who are dating_

Jonas: _Isak. Seriously though_

Isak: _What?_

Jonas: _You gotta fix this_

Isak: _How?_

Jonas: _You have to fight for him_

Isak: _…but I don’t think I deserve him_

Jonas: _Get the fuck over yourself, Isak_

Isak: _Jonas…_

Jonas: _Seriously. Even is a beyond awesome guy. He’s gone out of his way to support you, hasn’t he? He was there for you and has wanted you through all of the stuff with your parents. You’ve told me how amazing he is. He sent you how many goddamn texts these past weeks?_

Isak: _275_

Jonas: _And how many did you read?_

Isak: _274_

Jonas: _Send him that many fucking messages back then, Isak. Or something! You want him back don’t you?_

Isak: _Of course_

Jonas: _Then do something to show that you deserve him_

Isak: _Hey Jonas?_

Jonas: _What_

Isak: _I fucking love you_

Jonas: _I fucking love you too, you piece of shit._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's time for Isak to step the fuck up and get his boy back. Let's see if he can do it.   
> I appreciate everyone's support of this fic so far. It's been a wild ride. 
> 
> Comments always welcome and appreciated :)


	16. The Greatest Thing

“You haven’t told me much about yourself, Isak. I’d like to get to know you better. I think it will be crucial if we’re going to have more success than Dr. Henrick did.”

Dr. Watkins was a kind, middle-aged woman with light brown hair who looked at Isak with every bit of her attention. Isak squirmed under the gaze because she seemed so earnest. She screamed empathy at Isak and he didn’t know how to respond. He didn’t know how to talk about himself.

“I just…don’t know how to do this. I didn’t enjoy therapy before.” Isak muttered, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“How so?”

“Dr. Henrick…he just seemed so fake. It all seems fake to me. I know you’re just doing this because you have to.” Isak replied.

Dr. Watkins chuckled lightly and shook her head. “Dear boy. You’re not the first person who has assumed that about therapists. You think I’m just after a paycheck, hm?”

Isak hesitantly nodded.

“I mean, the money is nice for sure. This is my career and I worked hard for it. But I want to help people, Isak. I want to do what I can for you. But I won’t know where to start unless you talk to me.” Dr. Watkins said, her voice a breathy whisper.

“Does this really help though? Like, can you guarantee it?”

Dr. Watkins chuckled again. “No, Isak. I can’t guarantee it. But a lot of this falls on you. If you expect to gain anything from therapy you have to try and be open to it. You have to take into consideration what I say.”

“Okay.” Isak said, uncrossing his arms. He sat up a bit straighter in his chair and took a deep breath. “What’s your first name?”

Dr. Watkins didn’t seem phased by the question. “Matilde.”

“Can I call you that?”

“Sure, Isak. I’d prefer it actually.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.” She smiled.

Isak liked that she wasn’t writing anything. She didn’t have a notepad in front of her, waiting to scroll something down. She was just sitting openly and patiently and Isak kind of wanted to hug her.

“I’m in love with a boy.” Isak said in a rush, feeling his face colour almost immediately.

Matilde smiled brightly. “That’s great, Isak. What’s his name?”

“Even.”

“Tell me about him.”

Isak spent the next fifteen minutes telling Matilde everything about what had happened with Even. He didn’t spare any details, however painful and however much it hurt to relive all the ways that he had fucked up. He had to get it all off his chest. By the end of it, he was left breathless and close to tears.

“I don’t know what to do now. I don’t know where this leaves us or what I can say to make it better. If I were him, I wouldn’t take me back.” Isak whispered.

Matilde took a deep breath and looked like she was considering. “I think you need to ask yourself a few things, Isak.”

“Okay…” Isak raised his eyebrows.

“Are you willing to be there for Even when he goes through another manic episode?” Matilde asked, no judgement in her tone.

“I-I think so.”

“It will likely happen again, Isak. Even is bipolar. He will have extreme highs and lows. He may act erratically again. He may not sleep. You may have to be there for him despite this. Are you committed to that?”

Isak swallowed. “How-how often does that happen when people are bipolar?”

“I couldn’t say. It’s different for everyone. You said Even is on medication and that may lower the chances of him having extreme episodes. But there is still always a chance. This illness does not go away. There’s no cure.”

Isak looked down at his feet. “Why does this matter?”

Matilde gave him a small smile and put her hands together. “Part of loving someone, I believe, is loving every part of them. This illness is a part of Even. It does not define him, but it will follow him his whole life. Just as your mother’s illness has followed her for her entire life as well.”

Isak paled at the mention of his mother.

“I know you witnessed a lot with your mother, Isak. I know you’ve been hurt. I know you lost out on a relationship with your mother because of her illness. Are you afraid the same thing will happen with Even? Are you afraid of losing him?” Matilde asked.

Fucking hell, Isak thought. Matilde didn’t fuck around.

“I…I don’t know. It felt like I already had. That night at the hotel made it feel like I had never actually had him to begin with.”

“But you now think that you did?”

“Yes. I know I did. I had him and I…let him go.” Isak whispered.

“Isak, I want you to remember something. Even is not your mother. Not every person with a mental illness is like your mother, and not everyone will leave you. Even never indicated that he wasn’t serious about your relationship. If anything, he showed you the opposite. You said he was there through your panic attacks and all the stuff with your father. He didn’t leave. He may have episodes in the future, but that doesn’t mean he will leave you.”

Isak nodded, feeling stupid because he still didn’t see the point.

“You don’t have to live your life thinking that people will leave. Part of that comes from believing that you are worthy of someone’s love. You have to accept love from someone if you’re going to feel it and if you are going to really love someone in return.”

“I…I do love Even. I feel like I knew from that very first day. I don’t care that he has an illness. I guess I just wish I hadn’t found out when he was having an episode. It sort of made me jump to conclusions.”

“Telling someone about an illness like that is not an easy thing to do. It takes great courage. Even may not have been ready to tell you, Isak. Especially with everything that was happening in your life when you first met him.” Matilde said, biting her bottom lip. “Perhaps he was waiting for the right time.”

Isak thought about it and felt like an even bigger asshole. Of course Even wouldn’t have told Isak right away. Even had been too busy taking care of Isak and helping him through his panic attacks.

“I’m saying all this, Isak, because I think Even needs to know that you will be there for him the way he was there for you; that you won’t run even if something he does scares you. I think right now, he’s under the impression that you don’t want him because of his illness. You ignored all his messages after what happened. I’m sure he believes everything was his fault and your lack of response has probably solidified that idea for him.” Matilde explained, standing up and walking over to her desk.

Isak felt sick to his stomach. The idea of Even waiting for Isak’s reply those two weeks; waiting to hear anything from him, to tell Even that it wasn’t him Isak was running from. Isak was overcome with sadness.

God, he was such a fucking asshole.

“Here are some information packets about bipolar disorder. I want you to read up on it. I want you to think about what we discussed. I can’t tell you what to do, Isak. I can’t say how it will turn out. But if you really want to try…if you want to _be there_ for Even, part of that is telling him and part of that is showing him. I just hope he will give you the chance to show him.” Matilde said, handing Isak a folder.

“Our time is up for today.”

**

Isak sat in his room and read the entirety of what Matilde had given him. He absorbed as much as he could about bipolar disorder and then he put the folder down.

Isak opened up his laptop and went on Facebook, checking out Even’s profile. He realized suddenly that he had never really explored Even’s profile before. They had spent so much time together that stalking him on social media hadn’t exactly been a priority.

Maybe it should have been though. Maybe then Isak could have learned something about Even, or saw something he could have asked Even about. But Isak hadn’t bothered to do that.

He hadn’t done a lot of things.

Isak found an older video from when Even was in second year. He was tagged in it by his friend Mikael who Isak still hadn’t met. He was making a video about Vladimir Putin and Captain America falling in love and what the fucking hell? It was the cutest thing ever. Even had this huge smile on his face as he talked about his film and Isak couldn’t help but smile through the whole thing.

He missed that smile. He missed making Even smile.

After Even mentioned his favourite director, Isak looked up Baz Luhrmann and realized he directed Moulin Rouge – the movie they had started together by didn’t get to finish all those weeks ago. The movie that had completely confused Isak.

He watched the whole thing and two hours later he was a bawling mess on his bed.

It took Isak an hour to type the message that he knew he needed to send to Even. He didn’t expect a reply, but he wanted to send it anyway.

_The greatest thing you’ll ever learn…is just to love, and be loved in return. <3_

He pressed send.

**

Even was lying on Mikael’s floor, slightly drunk, and slightly ready to have a breakdown. Mikael placed another beer next to Even’s face where it was mashed into the tile, and sat down next to him.

“My man, what is on your mind?”

“Mmffm.”

“Eloquent.” Mikael chuckled.

“I hate everything.”

“You should hate your decision-making skills. Your face is on a floor that I’m sure hasn’t been washed in decades.” Mikael pointed out, grimacing.

“I don’t care.”

“You skin will in about an hour.”

“Ugh.” Even muttered, rolling over and sitting up. His shoulder brushed Mikael’s.

“That bad, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“What’s up, then?”

Even sighed dramatically and handed his phone over to Mikael. Mikael saw the message from Isak and looked up at Even.

“So…your boy is quoting your favourite shit and now you’re moping?” Mikael asked, not understanding.

“I told him to give me space. I told him that we shouldn’t talk for a while because of what happened.”

“What happened exactly?”

“He slept with a girl.”

Mikael nearly spit out the mouthful of beer he was about to swallow. “What?!”

Even looked down at his phone, his stomach a mess of knots. He wanted to reply. He wanted to ask Isak what he thought of Moulin Rouge. He assumed Isak had finished the movie and sent him lyrics because he knew Even would love it. Of course he did. But…it had only been a few days since the whole thing with Emma. It had only been a few days and Even’s heart hadn’t mended.

“You remember when I had my episode a few weeks ago? When I hurt my arm?” Even asked. He’d only told Mikael bits and pieces of what had happened; not the full story.

“Um, yeah.”

“Isak was there when it happened. I walked out without clothes on and scared the hell out of him. He thought…he thought I didn’t actually love him because he thought I’d been manic the whole time since I’d met him.” Even explained, chugging back his beer.

“Fuck. You never told him about you?”

“No. The timing wasn’t right.”

“Shit, Even. That fucking sucks. So you guys broke up?”

“I guess so. I didn’t want to. But he didn’t reply to me. He didn’t say anything. For weeks. I went over one night and found him in bed some with some girl.” Even explained, closing his eyes as he said the words. He tried to shut out the image of Isak lying next to the petite brunette girl. He didn’t want to hear Isak’s moans as he had been with her. But it’s all his brain could focus on. It’s all he could see.

“What an asshole.” Mikael snapped, shaking his head. “Man, you don’t deserve that shit. Are you sure you love this guy?”

Even sighed. “Yes. I do. A-fucking-lot.”

“No offense man, but… _why?”_

Even considered it for a moment. He thought back to those early days weeks ago when Isak was having his panic attacks. He thought of how vulnerable Isak was, how scarred he seemed; how ready to push affection away like he didn’t deserve it. He hadn’t seemed open to Even, until something broke within Isak and he let Even in. He bared everything to Even in a matter of weeks. Isak trusted Even with everything he had.

Isak had said he loved Even first.

Isak was the first person Even had truly loved back. _The greatest thing you’ll ever learn…_

“I love him because he’s him and I’m me and it makes sense.”

“Fuck, you’re hella weird, bro.” Mikael chuckled. “How can you just love someone? Isn’t there a reason? Or like, something specific you can point out?”

Even swallowed hard, pushing down all the praise he wanted to give to Isak. He could think of lots of things he loved about Isak. His smile. His laugh. The way he paid attention to someone with all he was worth when he decided too. The way he loved his friends. The way he had managed to survive despite everything he’d faced; despite everything working against him.

But that didn’t erase the fact that Isak had slept with someone else before he’d ended things with Even. It didn’t change the doubt that swirled inside Even right alongside all that love he harboured for Isak.

“Even?”

“I…There’s a lot of things, Mikael. A lot of reasons. But they don’t matter right now.”

“What matters then?”

“Whether or not I can trust him anymore. Whether or not he can show me he won’t run. I couldn’t handle if he did again. I can’t…” Even practically choked, feeling the tears spring into his eyes sudden and fierce.

Mikael’s arm was around him before he could say anything else.

“I get it, man. You need him to love you like you loved him.”

Even nodded, letting himself cry silently against his friend. He had never appreciated Mikael more than he did right now. The guy was kind of a saint. He’d been there through all of Even’s episodes, all his drama with Sonja, every break-up Even had initiated with other people. Mikael never judged and he never told Even what to do. He never made Even feel stupid for what he felt.

“And if he doesn’t show you how much he fucking loves you back, you best believe I’ll be speaking to him. With my fist.” Mikael muttered, looking thoughtful.

Even couldn’t help but chuckle. “Just…leave his face. It’s so nice to look at it.”

“Cool. I’ll just kick him in the balls.”

**

**Friday**

07:13: _Good morning. I have a test in Bio today that I’m going to bomb_

Even held his phone close to his face as he sleepily read Isak’s message. Ugh, what the hell? Isak woke him up this fucking early to talk about a test?

His phone dinged loudly again a moment later.

07:14: _Also, I agree. Dr. Watkins is a gem. A giant, emerald gem like in Wizard of Oz. She is the Queen of Emerald City. Or Glenda, the good witch. I watched that movie last night. Have you seen it?_

Even tried rubbing his eyes because surely he was dreaming. Or unknowingly on acid.

07:16: _I don’t like green that much though. I prefer blue_

07:17: _Not dark blue. Lighter blue._

Even didn’t reply but he waited for the next message.

07:18: _Blue like your eyes._

Even felt his lips turn up into a smile. Later that day, his phone dinged again.

14:23: _Home is knowing. Knowing your mind. Knowing your heart. Knowing your courage. If we know ourselves, we’re always home. Anywhere._

Even stopped mid-step as he read.

Isak had now quoted two of Even’s favourite films.

14:24: _Thank you for being my home._

**

**Saturday**

11:12: _My bounty is as boundless as the sea, My love as deep; the more I give to thee, The more I have, for both are infinite._

Even groaned loudly into his pillow.

Romeo and Juliet? Not fucking fair. Isak had to have watched that movie too.

He didn’t reply. He didn’t and he wouldn’t.

“Movie quotes?” Mikael scoffed over lunch. “Lame.”

“Yeah. Completely.” Even agreed.

“Even…”

“Hmm?”

“You fucking sap! This is doing it for you, isn’t it?”

“No!”

“Even!”

“Shut the fuck up!”

“You’re so fucking _lame!”_

**

**Sunday**

13:43: _I wish I had done everything on earth with you._

“NO!” Even shouted into his empty apartment living room. “Fucking hell, not that! Anything but that!”

He called Mikael.

“Even, I’m going to fucking bitch slap you, man.”

“But…GREAT GATSBY!”

“This is me hanging up on you.”

“Mikael. I don’t…”

“Be strong, Even. Fucking hell.”

**

**Monday**

08:03: _If you’ve got no love in your heart, you’ve got nothing. No dreaming, no story. Nothing._

Even forced himself to turn his phone off for the rest of the day.

**Tuesday**

11:23: _You have bewitched me, body and soul._

21:21: _I love you. Most ardently._

**Wednesday**

21:21: _You let go and I’m going to have to jump in there after you._

22:30: _You jump, I jump, remember?_

23:01: _He saved me. In every way a person can be saved._

“Titanic?! OH MY GOD!”

**Thursday**

21:21: _You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you. That’s where I’ll be waiting._

**Friday**

21:21: _I must speak to you by such means as are in my reach. You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone forever._

**

Even read the message about sixteen times before he made his decision.

He pressed call.

“H-hello?” Isak answered after one ring, his voice laced with surprise.

“Isak,” Even breathed out, feeling a weird sort of relief rush through him.

“Even. _Even.”_ Isak whispered, his voice breathless now.

Even didn’t know why he’d called. It was stupid. So fucking stupid. He was the one who had wanted space. He was the one who was in control here. And yet, here he was giving Isak control. Here he was giving in after a week.

Here he was, still in love with a boy who had broken his heart.

“I hate Jane Austen.” Even blurted out.

He was about to hang up when he heard Isak laugh. He brought the phone back to his ear just to listen to it; the smooth, effortlessness of it.

“But Captain Wentworth was pretty great though. You have to admit.” Isak said, his voice level now; like everything was normal. Like nothing had happened. Like they were still lovers and friends and this was easy.

Even enjoyed it for another moment before he said, “Goodbye, Isak.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A reunion is in the cards..I promise..and it will be soon. ;) 
> 
> Comments always welcome and appreciated :)


	17. Come What May

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Isak POV only.

Over two weeks had passed since Isak had told Emma that he couldn’t be her boyfriend. Two weeks since he’d basically thrown her out of his apartment the morning he’d seen Even, giving her a pathetic excuse. Her eyes had been so fucking sad but he couldn’t have her stay. He couldn’t look at her and face what he’d done. He’d never really apologized.

So when Emma basically cornered him and shoved him into an empty classroom that Monday, he wasn’t the least bit surprised.

“Emma…” Isak attempted, but he was cut off.

“No, Isak. I seriously don’t understand. I thought we…we connected! I thought you wanted more than just sex from me. Like how stereotypical can you be?” She snapped, anxiously tapping her foot on the floor.

She’d been giving him these looks every time he accidentally caught her eye at school. She looked like she wanted to come and speak to him, but never did. She looked like he had really hurt her. But when he saw her with her friends, she glared at him like she was trying to make him catch fire with only a stare.

He saw the same vulnerability now as she stood in front of him. She wasn’t putting on a show for her friends or spreading some rumours about what an asshole he was. (Which yeah, she had definitely done that too). She just looked…miserable; like she truly had wanted them to work out and she was trying not to let it show how devastated she was. 

“I’m in love with someone else.” Isak managed to say, looking down at his feet. “I wasn’t trying to hurt you. I didn’t think you wanted anything more either, considering you seemed content with a hookup in a bathroom before I suggested going back to my apartment.”

“If you’re trying to fucking _slut shame me…”_ Emma began, her cheeks reddening with anger.

“What?” Isak blurted out. “No! The fuck is slut shaming? I’m not calling you a slut! Honestly, Emma, _fuck.”_

“Then what are you saying?”

“I’m saying that I didn’t know you liked me so much! I didn’t think it meant more to you. You’re acting like I promised you things, or that I said we were dating after one night together. If I hurt you, I truly am sorry. But please stop acting like we ever decided to date.” Isak explained in earnest, actually wanting to make things right with her. Despite the drama, he didn’t want Emma to be upset anymore.

Emma looked at him for a long moment before she sighed heavily and leaned against the wall beside him.

“I guess you have a point. But next time you have a one night stand with someone, at least make them breakfast? Or like…don’t throw their clothes at them and push them out the door before they’re even awake?” Emma said, raising her eyebrows as she looked at him. There was a hint of a smile there.

Isak returned it. “Yeah. Okay. But, probably won’t be having anymore one night stands.”

“Because of this girl you love?”

Isak decided to ignore the pronoun. “Yeah. I…really fucked up. My head wasn’t in a good place that night of the party.”

“Me either.” Emma admitted.

“No?” Isak prompted, turning to look at her properly now.

Emma shook her head. “I was…fuck, this is lame. I was trying to make someone jealous. My ex-boyfriend broke up with me a few days before that party and I knew he’d be there. I wanted him to hear that I’d hooked up with someone in the bathroom.”

“Shit.”

“It seemed like if I went home with you it’d make him even more jealous. So…I decided to go with you.”

Isak couldn’t help but laugh now. “Shit, Emma. You’ve given me so much crap for what happened. You told the whole school I’m some huge player! But all along I was just as much a rebound as you were to me! The hell?” There was no malice in his voice.

“You bruised my ego, Isak!” Emma exclaimed, punching him in the shoulder. “I was already feeling shitty, then someone – _you-_ pays me attention and it felt nice. And then he tosses me away the next morning just like my ex had. Not a great feeling. I was angry.” Her voice broke as she finished speaking and there was that sadness again. Her eyes met his and then she looked away, all hints of her smiles disappearing.

“I’m sorry, Emma.” Isak said, reaching for her hand. “I’m sorry I did that when you were already hurting.”

She nodded. “And I’m sorry I behaved like a crazy girlfriend you didn’t ask for.”

They both smiled again.

After another moment, Isak knew what he wanted to say. “I _do_ want more from you, Emma. If you want, we can be friends.”

Emma pushed away from the wall and walked back over to the door. She turned and said, “Let’s just say we’re okay now, yeah? And leave it at that.”

Isak would take that over Emma hating him.

“Okay.” He replied and watched as she left the classroom.

**

Isak went to school during the day. He came home and did his homework. He sometimes hung out with his friends. But mostly, he spent his evenings watching movies he imagined Even would like.

Then he sent Even quotes from the films. Because Even would like cheesy shit like that, right?

Except Jane Austen.

Isak had tried sending normal texts about his life in the beginning. He tried talking about things he liked about Even. Had he really said he loved blue because of Even’s eyes? He cringed as he re-read the text and realized that yes, he had in fact sent that.

But then he felt weird doing that. He felt like it didn’t mean anything. So, once he’d viewed Even’s profile and realized the dude loved movies…he dedicated a bunch of time to watching similar movies to the Baz Luhrmann films he’d started out with and then sent quotes that sort of summed up his feelings better than he could ever express. And sometimes he added cheesy shit like ‘thanks for being my home’ because he just couldn’t help himself.

Even was his home. That wasn’t a lie.

Jane Austen had somehow been included in there when he’d Googled ‘movies like Moulin Rouge’ so he’d managed to watch Pride and Prejudice and Persuasion. But Mansfield Park could suck his fucking dick. No way.

**

It was around Isak’s two hundred and seventy fifth message (memes and Nas lyrics and hearts and various other emojis included) that Even finally replied.

Isak was watching Moulin Rouge for what felt like the tenth time when he realized he had never quoted much more of the movie to Even than that first line he sent.

As Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor sang together on screen, Isak started typing.

20:03: _Love lifts us up where we belong_

20:04: _Where eagles fly_

20:04: _On a mountain high_

Isak put his phone down and kept watching. The movie scene ended – where they had been standing on the elephant singing – when he heard his phone ding. He picked it up and his heart leapt into his throat at the sight of Even’s name.

Even: _Love makes us act like we are fools_

Even: _Throw our lives away for one happy day_

Isak turned the movie back to the scene so he could quote the next part; his pulse beating strong in his ears.

Isak: _We could be heroes, just for one day_

Even: _You, you will be mean_

Isak: _No, I won’t_

Even: _And I…I’ll drink all the time_

Isak gulped loudly as he typed the next part, wanting it to be true more than ever.

Isak: _We should be lovers_

Even: _We can’t do that…_

Isak: _We should be lovers, and that’s a fact_

Even: _Though nothing will keep us together_

Isak: _We could steal time…_

Even: _Just for one day_

Isak: _We could be heroes_

Even: _Forever and ever_

Isak: _Because I will always love you_

When Even’s reply didn’t come immediately like his last ones had, Isak nearly started crying. He knew what line was next. He knew this is where Even said he couldn’t help loving Isak too. Because it was in the movie. They were quoting the fucking movie.

But then the message came.

Even: _I can’t help loving…you_

Isak smiled so wide his cheeks hurt.

Isak: _How wonderful life is, now you’re in the world :’)_

Even: _Isak, will you meet me for coffee?_

Isak couldn’t help but shout “YES!” at the top of his lungs, which promptly sent Eskild running into his room without knocking.

“Isak, what the hell?” Eskild asked, a bright purple mask covering all the skin on his face. Isak chuckled.

“Um, I could say the same for you. What the hell is on your face?”

“You think my skin is naturally this flawless? Bitch, please. I gotta work hard for this porcelain white complexion.” Eskild tutted, hips swaying as he walked over to sit on Isak’s bed. “What are you up to, my little cupcake? You look…good. Like, alive and stuff. I wasn’t sure for a while there.”

“I’m making a coffee date.” Isak said, typing out his next reply to Even.

Isak: _When and where?_

“Coffee excites you this much?”

“No, but the person I’m going with does.”

“You’re a love-sick puppy.” Eskild sighed, but there was a smile lingering on his lips.

“Shut up.”

“No, it’s nice. It’s nice to see you happy again, Isak.” Eskild said, more weight to his words than Isak first realized. He looked up at Eskild and gave him a soft smile.

“Thanks, Eskild. I know I haven’t been the best roommate. I know you didn’t expect…”

“Ugh, Isak. I can’t hear you apologize anymore. Your guru forgives you.” Eskild interrupted, standing up and kissing Isak on the forehead. “Have fun on your coffee date with Even. I fucking love Even!” He hollered as he closed Isak’s door.

Isak laughed and looked back down at his phone for Even’s reply.

Even: _Tomorrow after school? My place?_

Isak: _Okay. :)_

**

**Operation Make Isak Stop Being a Fucktard <33**

_Isak Valtersen has been added to this group._

Isak: _WHAT. THE. FUCK. GUYS_.

Magnus: _What?_

Isak: _DON’T PLAY DUMB_

Mahdi: _What’s wrong, Issy?_

Jonas: _Yeah, Issy, what’s your problem?_

Isak: _I hate you all_

Magnus: _I thought of the group name btw :P give me full credit_

Isak: _Oh, I fucking do give you credit Magnus_

Magnus: _hehe_

Jonas: _ANYWAYS_

Jonas: _I added you for a reason_

Isak: _To show me how awful you are??_

Jonas: _NO_

Magnus: _JONAS TOLD US YOU HAVE A DATE TOMORROW WITH OUR BOY_

Isak: _YOUR boy?? The fuck…_

Magnus: _I WANT EVAK AGAIN <3 <3 <3_

Mahdi: _Magnus, I will throw you out of this group_

Magnus: _Bitch please_

Jonas: _We are here for moral support. Our plan to make you stop being a fucktard cannot fail_

Isak: _Jesus Christ_

Magnus: _Even is a bit like Jesus. So majestically radiant_

Jonas: _LMFAO Magnus you totally looked that up on dictionary.com_

Magnus: _I know words! I have a vast vocabulary_

Isak: _I’m leaving this group right now if you all don’t fucking stop_

Jonas: _OKAY OKAY_

Magnus: _Seriously though, Isak. We are here to give advice_

Isak: _LMAO because you’re such an expert, huh Magnus?_

Magnus: _Vilde wants my D, you just wait and C_

Mahdi: _Okay, I’m going to officially punch you next time we’re together. That was terrible_

Magnus: _*moonwalks away*_

Jonas: _Ignore these fuckers, Isak. Are you nervous for tomorrow?_

Isak: _Um, hell yeah_

Jonas: _Don’t be. Play it cool_

Isak: _Yeah, totally. No issues here at all. Hi Even, nice to see you. No, I am not still currently in love with you and no I absolutely did not sleep with a woman and you absolutely did not walk in on us afterwards and I have absolutely not been pining these past few weeks and we having nothing to discuss because everything is JUST FINE_

Mahdi: _Whiney McWhinePants_

Magnus: _HA_

Jonas: _That’s a good nickname actually :P_

Isak: _OKAY THANKS FOR NOTHING BYE_

Mahdi: _Just be yourself, Isak. Apologize. Be sincere. Talk through everything you need to and don’t leave until something is settled. There. Solid advice_

Magnus: _Isak, we’ve renamed Mahdi: He is now Yoda. Just FYI_

Isak: _I C why…;)_

Mahdi: _NOT YOU TOO_

Isak: _I don’t C the problem here Mahdi…_

Mahdi: _Good luck on your date bro. But the grammar is not strong with this one_

**Mahdi Disi is offline**

Jonas: _STAR WARS QUOTES_

Jonas: _WHAT THE HELL EVEN IS THIS GUY_

Isak: _How do I…apologize? How can I ever begin to say how bad I feel?_

Magnus: _You’ll think of something, Issy. I believe in you._

Isak: _What if he wants to get together to tell me to leave him alone?_

Jonas: _That would make no sense. He already told you to give him space, and you did. Now he wants to see you. Sooo… I imagine he wants less of the space. You feel?_

Magnus: _I feel….A REUNION COMING ON. YAAASSS_

Isak: _Magnus you fucking noob_

Magnus: _I’m a noob who likes the boobs. Vilde’s boobs more specifically. Did you see that top she had on the other day? My GOD_

**Jonas Vasquez and Isak Valtersen are offline**

Magnus: _ALL BY MYSELF, DON’T WANNA BE_

**

Isak nervously shifted from foot to foot as he waited for Even to answer the door. He had been on edge all day long. He hadn’t been able to focus on his classes. He hadn’t contributed very much to the conversation with his friends. All he could think about was how he could not mess up this chance Even had given him. He couldn’t push Even further away. He had to try and make things right again.

A second later the door opened and all of Isak’s thoughts turned to mush. There was Even; his hair unruly yet flawless, his eyes shining and a hesitant smile on his face. He was wearing a dark green button down shirt and black jeans and Isak’s breath caught in his throat.

Even was so fucking beautiful.

“Hello.” Even said, his voice deep.

“Hello.” Isak managed to reply.

“Come inside.” Even motioned for Isak to walk in past him as he held the door. Isak managed to do this as well, even though his knees now felt like jelly. He made it into the main hallway before he turned around to look at Even. Now that the boy was in front of him Isak didn’t want to look away. 

Mahdi’s words rang loud in his ears. _Be sincere. Apologize. Talk through everything._ Isak could totally do that. He could. He took a deep breath to do just that but then suddenly he was being pushed up against the wall and Even pressed his entire front against Isak’s; his big hands clawing at Isak’s hips.

“Fuck, I missed you.” Even whispered, only eyeing Isak’s lips for a second before he was kissing him; kissing the goddamn _life_ out of him was more like it.

This wasn’t a kiss that lingered or was slow. It was all desperation and tongue and shared panting breaths and Isak tried to cling onto Even; ground himself and get his head to stop spinning. But he was so gone for it. He’d missed Even too, more than he’d actually been able to know until right this second. The longing he’d felt, the weeks that had gone by without Even, suddenly hit him square in the chest and tears sprung into his eyes as he kissed Even back with equal fervor.

Even was pushing Isak against the wall like he thought Isak could become a part of it, and frankly Isak’s back was beginning to hurt but he didn’t complain. He just kissed back and finally succeeded in getting a hand in Even’s hair; pulling the strands and groaning into the other boy’s mouth. Hell, he’d missed this so fucking much.

Isak could feel how hard they both were, how badly their bodies wanted to just get lost in each other. But Isak _knew_ he had to talk about this with Even. They had to have an actual conversation.

“Even…” Isak gasped, pulling his mouth away. Even immediately latched onto Isak’s neck instead, sucking a bruise there within seconds. Isak let it happen because once again it felt insanely good. But then he pushed until he could look into Even’s eyes.

“Even, slow down.” Isak whispered, putting a last kiss on Even’s jaw before he let go of Even’s hair and tried to straighten out his shirts that were now riding up his torso.

“Slow down?” Even asked, his voice low and breathless.

“I want…I want to talk. Please.” Isak attempted, unsure now as he looked into Even’s lust filled eyes. Even didn’t look like he wanted to talk at all and it made Isak falter. “I wanted to try and…”

“Sorry. Shit. Sorry.” Even suddenly said, shaking his head; shaking out of the haze of yearning surrounding them. He backed away from Isak by about three feet and Isak instantly missed his warmth.

“It’s not that I don’t want to…” Isak trailed off again because his stupid brain couldn’t form proper sentences right now apparently. “I fucking _do._ I just thought we could talk about us and everything?”

“I know. Fuck, I knew that. Come into the kitchen. I did actually make coffee.” Even explained, smiling a little as he walked ahead of Isak.

Isak hesitantly sat down in the kitchen that was so familiar to him. But now it felt like he should feel and behave like a stranger. He didn’t have the right to feel so at home in Even’s home. He’d ruined that chance for himself.

“No sugar, right?” Even asked, pouring Isak a mug of coffee.

“Right.” Isak whispered, lost in his own thoughts.

“Here you go.” Even brought the mug over to where Isak sat and then joined him with his own mug. They faced each other and all Isak could feel was the sting of the hickey that Even had left on his neck barely five minutes before.

Isak had so many things he wanted to say. He had planned it as he’d walked over here and when he had been on the bus as well. He kind of made his speech and had fully intended on sticking to it. But now, as he looked at Even who seemed to be waiting for Isak expectantly, he didn’t know where to begin.

“I’m so sorry, Even.”

It was the weakest thing he could have said, but it was the first thing that came to mind. He didn’t know what else to say, or how to articulate just how badly he wished he could do things again. He didn’t know how to make Even believe that he would do anything to make it up to him; to have Even trust him again.

Even continued to look at him, his eyes sad. Isak wanted to go on. He wanted to say something else, anything else, but his mind froze.

“I know, Isak. I know you’re sorry.” Even said, looking away from Isak and down at the coffee mug he was still holding between his hands.

Isak waited for Even to speak next, not trusting himself; not trusting anything he might say when his heart was beating hard against his ribs and his palms were beginning to sweat.

“I’m sorry too.” Even whispered, his Adam’s apple clicking in his throat.

 _What?_ Isak immediately felt himself frown and before he could overthink it he reached over to place his hand on top of Even’s.

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for, Even. It was me. I’m the one who freaked out. I’m the one who didn’t respond. I’m the one…” Isak stopped only because Even had placed a gentle hand over Isak’s lips to silence him.

“Isak,” Even said calmly. “Let me say this. I should have told you about my illness. I shouldn’t have kept it from you. It was actually dangerous of me to not tell you when you had just gone through all of that with your mother. I should have been honest. I just didn’t think that I would have an episode because I hadn’t for so long. I had been stable, so I figured we could talk about it once you were back to your normal life when you got out of the hospital. Once you had gone back to school and things felt a bit calmer in your life. But that was wrong of me.”

“No, Even. It makes sense that you didn’t tell me. I get that now. I understand _why._ You had every right to wait and tell me when you wanted to.” Isak rushed to say, not wanting Even to feel like he had something to fucking apologize for. Isak was the one who’d fucked up. Isak had been the awful one.

“The circumstances were different, Isak. It’s not like you were some co-worker I only saw on the job sometimes. Then, maybe I could have told you about it at my leisure. But when we got together, I should have been honest _just in case_ I had a manic episode. Fuck, Isak. You were back in the hospital because of me…”

“No, Even, I…”

“Yes, Isak. It was because of me.” Even pleaded, his hand still resting on Isak’s chin. “And I’m sorry. What happened with me triggered you. But I don’t want you for a second to think that I didn’t love you. What happened at the hotel doesn’t mean I didn’t have feelings for you from that first day.”

Isak tried very hard not to panic about the fact that Even was using past tense to say he loved Isak.

“I know. I know that now.” Isak mumbled, scrambling over to stand beside Even. He wanted so much to touch him; to just have Even hold him the way he used to all the time. But he didn’t know if that was too much.

“I didn’t understand then. I thought it was all a lie. I thought someone else had left me. I would never have…I…” Isak began, thinking about what he’d done with Emma. He gulped down his guilt, unsure of what to say next.

Even stood up to be at eye level with Isak and put his hands back on Isak’s hips. Even pushed until Isak’s back was against the kitchen counter and he thumped against it softly. Even didn’t attempt to come closer, to bring their mouths together, but he kept a firm grip on Isak’s waist.

“What, Isak?” Even whispered.

“I…I was _so lonely._ I was so high. I didn’t know what to think. Jonas wouldn’t stop looking at me like I was going to freak out again at any second. I…I didn’t even _want_ her. I wanted…” Isak said all in a rush, sucking in a huge breath before he could even attempt to finish.

It was then that Even pushed himself against Isak, brought a hand around to the back of Isak’s neck and pulled so that Isak had no choice but to look at him. Even brought their mouths almost together this time as he asked, “ _What,_ Isak? What did you fucking want?”

The closeness of Even and his unwavering stare had Isak panting. The friction against his cock was driving him kind of crazy and he couldn’t help but thrust up into Even’s body as he desperately searched for words. He needed to finish his thought. He needed Even to know…

“You. God, Even. I wanted _you.”_

Even groaned against him and kissed Isak hard for a few seconds before he wrenched his mouth away. He thrust right back into Isak and they both panted into the space between their lips. Isak was so turned on he could barely keep his eyes open. He just wanted to get lost in Even’s touch.

“You wanted me so bad you fucked some random girl? Hm?” Even asked, a sharpness to his voice that Isak knew he more than deserved.

“I…I didn’t even see her. I saw you.” Isak whispered, not knowing what Even wanted to hear. He looked down at the floor, away from Even’s piercing eyes, not ready to see what Even was thinking. He didn’t want to see Even’s anger.

But Even was having none of that. He put a finger under Isak’s chin and brought Isak right back to eye-level, holding his head in place.

“What did you do together? How did you fuck her?”

“Even…please. Don’t ask me that.” Isak pleaded, attempting to reach out and soothe Even; place his hands on spots he knew drove Even crazy. But Even pulled away, letting Isak go entirely.

“Why not? I had to listen to it. I might as well know what you did to make her moan so prettily.” Even snarled, crossing his arms in front of his chest. Isak had never seen Even look so angry, so hurt; so absolutely devastated.

“You…you _heard?”_ Isak asked, feeling his hands shake. He thought Even had come over the morning after. He didn’t think Even had been there during.

“I came over right when the fun began.” Even mumbled, looking away from Isak and Isak felt like he could breathe a little easier.

“Fuck. Even. I’m sorry.”

“I know, Isak. You said that already.”

“Then don’t make me tell you what we did. It doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t want her and I don’t want you to know and then feel even worse about it.” Isak pleaded, walking slowly over to Even who hadn’t gone far.

“Isak…” Even whispered warningly, but Isak was already in front of him.

Isak reached for Even and put his hands on Even’s face. Even uncrossed his arms and let Isak into his space again, allowing Isak to align their bodies. Isak put soft kisses along Even’s jaw, feeling Even relax a little more.

“I want _you._ I only want you, Even. I’ll understand if you don’t want me. I’ll understand if what I did ruined us. I have to bear that. But please just know, that I _do_ still love you and I’m here. I’m here for you. _Come what may_.”

Isak kind of wanted to hit himself for quoting Moulin Rouge yet again but he’d done nothing but quote films for weeks and it was kind of just natural now.

Even just looked at Isak for a long few moments before he finally, _finally,_ lifted his arms up and pulled Isak into him. He tucked Isak into his neck like they’d done tons of times before, stroking a hand through Isak’s hair, and Isak almost immediately started crying. This is what he’d missed. This is what he’d needed.

This was Even letting Isak back in and Isak could have crumpled with relief.

Isak let his sobs overtake him. He didn’t care anymore. He squeezed Even so tight that his arms hurt and he knew he was probably bruising Even somewhere but neither of them pulled away. He felt Even shake and he knew Even was crying too. He could feel the wetness on Even’s cheeks against his forehead.

Isak didn’t know how much time passed before he finally calmed down. He didn’t know how long they’d been standing in the kitchen looking like fools. But he suddenly heard Even begin to hum. Isak could feel the vibrations of it because of the closeness of their bodies, and then he realized with a smile what it was Even was humming.

Isak softly sang along.

_“Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place._

_Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace._

_Suddenly my life doesn’t seem such a waste._

_It all revolves around you.”_

Even joined him now.

_“And there’s no mountain too high._

_No river too wide._

_Sing out this song and I’ll be there by your side._

_Storm clouds may gather and stars may collide._

_But I will love you until the end of time.”_

As they finished their duet they both broke out into a laughing fit that had them clutching their stomachs. Somehow they ended up on the floor, clinging to each other as the next round of laughter ceased them. By the end of it, both their faces were bright red and tears were once again streaming down their cheeks. Tears of joy this time, though.

“Fucking hell. That’s the corniest thing I’ve ever done in my life.” Even said, sucking in a deep breath and then coughing.

“Me too. I’m surprised I remembered all the words.” Isak replied, covering his face in embarrassment.

“Something tells me you watched Moulin Rouge more than once?” Even asked, raising his eyebrows expectantly.

“No…”

“You’re such a bad liar!”

“Shut up! I was trying to woo you!”

“Woo me?! What the hell? Is this Shakespeare?”

“God, Romeo and Juliet! The fucking _feels,_ man. Worst thing ever.” Isak groaned, his head falling back.

“Baz Luhrmann knows how to punch you right in the feels. That’s for sure.”

Isak looked over at Even and smiled the goofiest smile he could muster. Fuck, he loved this boy so much. Even caught his eye and smiled right back.

“Come what may?” Even asked, his voice serious again.

Isak nodded, clearing his throat. “Come what may.”

“That might mean more manic episodes. Depressive episodes too, Isak. It’s not pretty when that happens. It’s so hard for me…” Even began, but Isak slid across the space between them and placed a kiss on Even’s mouth.

“Come. What. May.”

Even kissed him back and said, “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even's POV next chapter.
> 
> ***[Based on comments so far, people seem rather disappointed with the reunion. I already have most of the next chapter written and I just want to preface it by saying that Even's POV is a lot different than Isak's. There's a lot more going on, and a lot more to Even's side than Isak understands right now. So, just keep that in mind before everyone is disappointed or is like wtf where was the struggle? I do actually think about things and have a plan lol. I'm not one to wrap things up all nice in a heart shaped bubble, especially not with the amount of fuckery/betrayal/angst/etc. that this fic has :P That being said, I appreciate all comments and I know everyone has their own opinion. I like reading your comments even if you are having issues with the way I am writing IsakxEven. Okay, as you were. :)] ***


	18. That Song

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alllll righty :)  
> So, I kind of angsted over this chapter since everyone had a lot of opinions about where this story should go and also the characters of Isak and Even in general. I appreciate people taking the time to talk about the issues in my story. However, I just wanted to point out that this is an AU, so sometimes the characters will be different than they are in the actual show. I am trying to make this my own world with similar aspects/parts of the show. Isak cheating was a big deal, and so was his lack of response to Even. But, Isak does know this. He isn't some unaware, oblivious panda that some people have mentioned he is...Part of this story too that I was trying to get across is that Isak is mentally ill too. He is suffering from anxiety and a bit of PTSD because of everything that happened with his mother. He is not the same Isak as we see in season 3. He is severely affected by his mother's illness and is therefore going to react differently. So, he does make mistakes. He does fuck up. I'm sorry if that causes some people to hate this version of Isak, but he is precious to me and I have taken into consideration the kind of person he really is. Isak is not as passive as some might seem, and I hope that comes across in this chapter.  
> I do appreciate people responding in whatever form, don't get me wrong. I just hope this little explanation could help people a bit if they are questioning some things. I still have a lot planned for this story and these characters and I thank everyone who has continued to read and has stuck around. <3

Even had been charmed by Isak’s first attempts at contacting him. Movie quotes were obviously his weakness and Isak had nailed some of the movies. A lot of them were Even’s favourites.

But by the second week, it had lost all charm. And when Isak started sending Nas lyrics and memes and only messages that consisted of heart emojis, Even was kind of angry.

Isak never asked questions. He never talked about what he felt. He never mentioned Even’s manic episode or Isak’s second hospital stay or what had happened with the girl. Isak didn’t apologize. He didn’t explain. He didn’t really _say anything._ He used other people’s words and shoved them at Even every day.

Which made Even think that Isak still didn’t know what to say at all. He didn’t know how to approach Even or go about apologizing. Isak wasn’t in this. He wasn’t _capable,_ and that thought broke Even’s heart. If Isak wasn’t in this, then chances were high he would hurt Even again. He would detach, fuck someone else again…

Isak would run.

Even sat next to Mikael during lunch, re-reading Isak’s messages. It was The Flaming Lips lyrics today, the song Even had sung to Isak on the night they’d fallen asleep on Even’s couch and woke up at 4am.

_Do you realize that you have the most beautiful face…_

“So, what the fuck is up with that?” Mikael asked, again with a mouthful of food shoved into his cheek as he spoke.

Even looked up, confused, and said “What?”

Mikael rolled his eyes. “Does your boy have anything _else_ to say except movie and song quotes? Every time you show me something he sent you it’s the same shit.”

Even looked away, putting his phone back in his pocket. “It’s only been a week since he started talking to me again.”

“So?”

“So, I don’t fucking know, Mikael! Maybe he thinks he can’t talk to me about stuff yet. Maybe he’s just trying to be cute or whatever.” Even snapped.

“The time for cute has passed, my boy.”

“What do you expect from him? I told him to leave me alone, didn’t I?” Even asked, his tone harsher than he’d meant.

“Yeah, but that was his cue to _not_ leave you alone. He can’t be that oblivious, can he? He’s supposed to be winning you back. He’s supposed to prove he’s going to be there for you.” Mikael continued.

“How is he supposed to do that if he’s not around me? How am I supposed to know if he can handle things if I don’t let him back into my life?” Even asked, knowing he was contradicting his earlier thoughts. But the need to defend Isak to others was just ingrained now. He couldn’t fucking help it.

Maybe Even needed someone to just say it to him; lay it all out there.

Mikael didn’t disappoint. “Well, for starters he’s supposed to have some fucking self-awareness. He’s supposed to like, send you a million messages _in his own words_ about how he _feels._ Like, this is some elementary school bullshit. He’s _deflecting._ He’s trying to get off easy by not actually talking about the issues.”

“Maybe he needs to do it in person?”

“Maybe. Who the fuck knows. But you would think he’d at least try to say something to you over texting. Isn’t that what you did for him?”

Even gulped down the ball of anxiety in his throat as he remembered. He’d spent so much time agonizing over what to say before he’d sent that first message. _Isak. I want to tell you so many things. I’m sorry for scaring you. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for not telling you I’m bipolar. I thought I was keeping you safe but I hurt us both by not being honest. I don’t expect you to forgive me. But I need you to know that I do love you. My disease makes me think a lot of things, Isak. But falling in love with you was real. I am in love with you, Isak._

Even couldn’t help but wonder if Isak put any thought whatsoever into his messages or if he literally just quoted something word for word off a screen if it sounded somewhat romantic.

“You deserve something more, man. You deserve him fighting and so far he’s not. He hasn’t proved a damn thing except that he can Google shit. But maybe…” Mikael stated, taking another huge bite of his lunch.

“I gotta go.” Even interrupted, standing up and gathering his things.

“I’m just looking out for you, bro!” Mikael called, nearly choking on his food. Even waved back and nodded.

“I know! Thank you!”

**

The messages didn’t get better. If anything, they got worse. And when Isak started quoting Moulin Rouge, Even had had enough. He played along for a bit, seeing if the act of him responding changed anything. Maybe Isak needed to have Even reply before he was ready to say something else. Maybe he thought Even didn’t read any of the messages. Maybe…

Maybe Even should stop defending the boy he loved for once.

He decided to put a stop to the madness.

_Isak, will you meet me for coffee?_

Even knew Isak would say yes. He knew Isak would immediately agree. Even decided he would give Isak a face to face meeting and see if that changed anything. Even hoped beyond hope that Isak would actually talk to Even, really fucking _say something,_ when he was looking directly at Even.

**

Even couldn’t help but kiss the life out of Isak the moment he saw him. He couldn’t help the way his body responded to Isak, the way he wanted to just push against the younger boy and take him right there.

Even lost himself in it for a few minutes. Fucking hell, he’d missed Isak. He’d missed him so fucking much he could hardly breathe. He wanted so badly to just let Isak back in. He wanted to end both their pain right now and just say, “I forgive you. I know it’s not all your fault. I know you did things you didn’t mean. I know, I know, I know.”

“I want…I want to talk. Please.” Isak said, bringing Even out of his lust-infused stupor.

Isak wanted to _talk._

Finally. Fucking finally.

**

The first words out of Isak’s mouth were, “I’m so sorry, Even.”

And that was it. Isak looked like a deer in headlights. He looked stuck. He looked utterly frozen, unable to say anything more and Even felt that last bit of hope drain away.

Isak didn’t know how to do this. He didn’t know how to handle it. Even didn’t distrust that Isak _was_ sorry. He knew he was. But…

“I’m sorry too.” Even heard himself say.

_It wasn’t enough._

Even explained himself to Isak. He apologized for not telling Isak about being bipolar. He had wished he’d done that from the beginning. That was the truth. He wanted Isak to know that. He wanted Isak to hear that in person. He also wanted Isak to hear him say that he had loved him; that being bipolar hadn’t made that a lie. It wasn’t some kind of twisted fantasy Even was living out.

Isak’s eyes widened as Even talked but Even kept speaking, kept interrupting; knowing Isak didn’t have anything to say anyway.

When Isak stood up and walked closer, Even lost a bit of his control. Isak _wanted_ it so bad. He wanted Even to forgive him; to let him back in. Even could feel it and see it all over Isak’s body language. Isak was desperate.

And it made Even sad as much as it lit the fire within him; the fire that hadn’t forgotten Isak touching someone else. The fire that was slowly making Even see red.

“I…didn’t even see her. I saw you.”

The words ruined Even. Obliterated his heart into tiny shreds. It just made it all so much worse. It made Even so much more aware of how lost Isak was; how much he didn’t know himself. How much Even didn’t know Isak.

_Who are you?_

_I don’t understand who you are._

Even spat out a few questions about the girl because he couldn’t help it. He looked at Isak until he couldn’t, because even that anger that was all aimed at Isak didn’t make Isak _say anything._ Not really. Not enough. Not enough.

And when Isak tried to come to him _again,_ tried to wrap his arms around Even and make everything all right, Even wanted to disappear. He wanted to crumple to the floor and never get up again.

But somehow he felt the tension leave his body. He felt himself relaxing as Isak pressed these tiny kisses along his jaw; these tender, hesitant, unfamiliar things.

_Who are you?_

“Come what may.”

There it was. Another quote. Another meaningless, inconsequential thing being thrown at Even like there was so much depth behind it.

_Do you even know what that means? Can you even comprehend?_

Even pulled Isak into him and he could physically feel how Isak relaxed. He held Isak through his sobs and Even cried too because he felt like he was losing something.

It felt like being beaten. It felt like being dragged through dirt. It felt like hell.

Even had meant _come what may_ when he’d gone to see Isak the day Isak had gone back to school; when this had all began between them. Even had meant _come what may_ when Isak told him about his mother and all the drama with his father. Even had meant _come what may_ when Isak had panic attacks and questioned why Even loved him.

Even had meant it and so he hummed it. He hummed the song from one of his favourite films and when Isak started singing, Even broke. He could feel everything shatter.

But somehow… _somehow…_ at the end, when they were done singing, Even laughed. He laughed like he had never seen anything funnier, like his esophagus was truly trying to choke him. He had tears in his eyes from the force of it and as he collapsed next to Isak, his stomach was in a tight, excruciating knot.

He bantered back and forth because it’s what they did. It was what they had been. Isak looked so fucking happy.

It made Even give him one last chance. One last chance. Would there ever be an end to the agony Even put himself through?

“Come what may?” Even asked.

_Say something else. Say anything else, Isak. I’m begging you. I’m begging you._

“Come what may.”

_No no no no no no no no no no no no._

Even’s last ramblings about himself, about his episodes, were like trying to hold air. But he couldn’t stop. He couldn’t. He had to say…

“Come. What. May.” Isak interrupted him, placing another kiss on Even’s mouth.

The defeat Even felt gripped the knot tighter and all he could say was, “Okay.”

**

“Do you want to go somewhere for dinner?” Isak asked, not a second later. His eyes were bright and eager as he looked at Even.

Did Isak just think everything was okay now? Was Isak okay not talking about anything else?

“Um, I can’t tonight. I actually have a lot of homework.” Even whispered, standing up and then helping Isak to his feet. “Maybe another night.”

Isak looked unsure but then he said, “All right. Should I go now then, or…?”

“Yeah. Might be best.” Even nodded.

“O-okay.” Isak stammered, heading back towards the front door. Even followed and then hovered as Isak put his shoes back on.

Isak turned and looked at Even. Even didn’t know how to read Isak’s expression, and he didn’t have any more brain cells to try and think it through. So he leaned in and kissed Isak on the cheek. “I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah…See you.” Isak said, hesitating for another second before he opened the door and walked out.

Even closed the door, walked back into the living room and collapsed on his couch.

**

Even didn’t know he’d fallen asleep until he was being rudely awakened by a loud knocking sound. He sat up and groaned, his head pounding in his ears. Yay for migraines, he thought as he stumbled towards the door.

“Good evening, good sir!” Mikael shouted, pushing his way in past Even. “Dude, did you lose your fucking phone or something?”

Even rubbed his eyes, kicking the door closed with his foot.

“No. I fell asleep.”

“Ah. No worries. I brought dinner and popcorn and some cheesy movies. Ready?” Mikael asked, throwing a bunch of shit on Even’s kitchen counter.

“Mikael…”

“What’s up? You look weird.” Mikael frowned.

Even sighed and looked at the floor before he mumbled, “Isak was here.”

“Ohh boy.” Mikael exclaimed, sitting down at the table. “Tell me everything.”

**

“And then I said I’d see him later. Another night.” Even finished, resting his head on his hands. Fuck, he needed some Aspirin.

“Wait…so…” Mikael began, frowning. Even could practically see the gears turning inside his head.

“Yes?”

“So, you’re not good with Isak right now? You don’t trust him?”

“Were you not listening at all?”

“Uh, yeah. I’m just confirming. You needed more than quotes from Isak, understandable. But like, you made it seem like you are okay?” Mikael asked.

Even hesitantly nodded. “I guess so. Yeah.”

“Even, what the hell?”

Even frowned. “What?”

“Just because Isak didn’t say what you wanted doesn’t mean you further complicate things and make him believe you’re all right now!”

“I didn’t know what to do!”

“Neither did he, Even. I know I said he needed some self-awareness and fucking hell, he _does,_ but like…you can’t just passive aggressively act like things are fine when you’re not getting what you need from someone. Then he’ll only keep disappointing you.” Mikael explained, grabbing a bag of popcorn and throwing it into the microwave. “I need some salty stuff to munch on if we’re going to talk about this. Jesus.”

“I’m not being passive aggressive! Don’t you think if he really knew himself, if he really knew that he wanted me, he would have said _more?_ Don’t you think he would have been able to articulate something beyond just ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘come what fucking may?’” Even snapped.

“Maybe not. Maybe this lover of yours isn’t as word savvy as you’d like. Maybe he is just a fucked up kid who doesn’t know how to win you over. Maybe he needs a boost in the right direction.”

“You’re the one who said he shouldn’t be so oblivious.” Even pointed out.

“Yeah…I did. But now you’ve also made it seem like what he did was enough. You made it seem like he said what you needed to hear. You’re the one who’s telling him that. You can’t do that, Even. If you need something from someone, say it. Especially if you ever want to trust him again and if he is going to trust you.”

Even thumped his head down on the table and groaned again, loudly. “Ugh. My head fucking hurts.”

“Mine too, you stupid fuck. But you’re the one who was sorry for not being honest with Isak the first time around. You beat yourself up about that. Don’t start again with him in a fucking circle of lies. Just lay it the fuck out there.”

Even knew on some level that Mikael was right. But he had just assumed that Isak…would have known better; would have seen that what Even needed was what he’d given to Isak. That Isak would have known to try and imitate Even’s style and be sincere. He had hoped Isak would feel like he had to put more effort into things; into making it right between them.

But Even also knew he couldn’t pretend again. He couldn’t hide around something that he knew he needed to say.

“Text him, bro.” Mikael said, dumping a shit-ton of butter over the popcorn.

**

Even: _Hey_

Isak: _Hi_

Even: _Are you okay?_

Isak: _I feel like something is off, Even. Are you okay?_

Even: _No_

Isak: _Can I call you?_

Even: _Okay_

**

“Isak’s calling me.” Even announced, raising his eyebrows at Mikael.

“Well, answer it then.” Mikael said, rolling his eyes.

Even wet his lips and took a deep breath before he answered. “Hey, Isak.”

“Hey. What’s up?”

“Nothing, was going to watch a film.”

Isak chuckled a little. The sound was forced. “You and your films.”

“Yeah…Listen, Isak, I…” Even paused, trying to find the right words. He turned away from Mikael, feeling too much pressure with his friend listening.

“Yes?” Isak prompted.

“I was…hoping for more.” Even decided to say, feeling utterly stupid.

“Um, okay. What do you mean?”

“I asked you over tonight because…your messages were kind of bothering me.” Even gulped down the ball of anxiety that was growing inside his chest.

“Oh.”

“I mean, I love films. You know I do, clearly. But…it was all you sent me. Nothing but quote after quote of other people’s words. You never talked about us, or what happened. You never said anything… _real.”_

There was a long pause on the other end of the line before Even heard Isak clear his throat.

“I…I didn’t know _what_ to say, Even.” Isak breathed out, his voice sounding wrecked. “What could I have said to ever make you believe how sorry I am? I’m not…I’m not good with words. I’m not good with…saying things. I never know how to go about doing it because I’m always scared I’ll fuck it up.”

Even waited again, hoping Isak wasn’t done.

“I watched all the movies I quoted. I’ve barely done anything else except try and watch movies I thought you might like. I…I didn’t just look shit up without watching the film first. I was working up to…to really talking about stuff. But I also didn’t know if you read my messages. I didn’t know if you…wanted to hear from me. You said to give you space and I wanted to respect that, but I also wanted to try and make things right again. But part of me…part of me was stuck thinking I could never get you back. Part of me didn’t think I deserved you at all.”

Isak breathed out and the sound was shaky.

“I couldn’t believe it when you asked to meet me. I kind of had this whole speech ready. I rehearsed it and my friends told me to be sincere and I thought I could…but today, when I saw you…my brain just fucking froze. I saw you again, and Even…I knew I wasn’t good enough. I knew you deserved someone so much stronger. Someone who wouldn’t just run like I did.”

Even could tell Isak was crying now, but he opened his mouth and asked his question anyway.

“Do you want to run again, Isak? Or do you actually mean it when you say ‘come what may’? What does that even mean to you?”

Okay, three questions.

Isak sucked in a whimpering breath and then sighed slowly, the sounding reverberating through the phone into Even’s ears.

“Okay, hear me out.” Isak began. “Christian goes to Paris because he wants to fall in love. But then he realizes he doesn’t know anything about love. Love is just this splendid thing he dreams about…”

Fucking Moulin Rouge _again?_ Even thought.

“Isak…”

“Please, Even. I…thought about it a lot. I really did.”

“Okay.”

“When Christian first meets Satine, he idealizes the love that could be between them. It all seems perfect, despite the fact that she’s a prostitute. He makes this grand statement about love lifting them up and that love is all they need. But as the story goes on, Christian realizes that there is a lot more to love than he first guessed. There are issues that come up in their lives that makes it hard for them to be together. Satine is sick. Satine has a duty to the Moulin Rouge. In other words, it would be easier for them to be apart and that’s what Satine suggests. She wants to end it for both their sakes because it would be easier than trying to have love in a place that doesn’t want them to be together.”

“But then Christian says he wants her anyway. He wants their love because he would rather be with her and have it be hard sometimes, than not be with her at all. And when something is hard between them, when they can’t be together or something makes either of them wonder why they are trying to be together in this impossible situation…they remember that song. They remember that no matter what, they have their love. That their love comes before everything else and is always there.”

Even’s heart was beating hard inside his chest.

“That’s what ‘come what may’ means to me. Even though sometimes things may be hard, even though you are bipolar and I have anxiety issues and my mom is schizophrenic and our fathers aren’t the best people…even though you may have episodes and I may have panic attacks and even though we go to different schools and even though you may never forgive me…I still love you. And I will love you with everything that I have…the way that you loved me.”

“Fuck.” Even heard himself whisper.

“I don’t want to run, Even. I won’t run. I love you and everything that you are and I’m so sorry I made you feel anything different. I’m sorry I didn’t know how to handle this when you had your episode. I’m sorry I wouldn’t listen and jumped to conclusions and slept with Emma. The minute I did it, I knew it was a mistake. I knew I had done the worst, cruelest thing in the universe.” Isak cried.

“Isak…I…”

“I’m sorry I didn’t know what to say. I’m sorry you thought I only quoted random shit and didn’t actually care. Every message I sent…fuck, Even. I thought about it. I thought about how you might react. I thought about if you would even know the movie. I thought about which Nas songs might be your favourite. I haven’t stopped thinking about you for one second. I haven’t stopped wondering and wishing and trying to be better. I just didn’t know how to _prove_ it to you. I didn’t know how to say…”

“Okay, Isak. Okay.” Even interrupted, unable to listen anymore.

“O-okay?” Isak asked, clearly confused.

“Thank you for saying that. I…hear you.”

They were both quiet now. Even didn’t know what to say next.

“Where…where do we go from here?” Isak asked. “Do you want me to leave you alone again?”

Even inhaled, his mind a mess of thoughts.

“Maybe we should just take a few days. To…I don’t know, process. Can we do that?”

“Yeah. We can.” Isak replied.

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

Even was about to hang up, when he heard Isak say his name; the word small and barely there, barely a whisper.

“Yes?”

“I…I never stopped loving you. I’ve always been in love with you. You gave me so much in the short time I knew you. You were always so kind and understanding and someday…” Isak breathed in. “Someday I hope I can be that for you as well. I hope I can be that…that _stability_ in your life. The person who you know you can rely on without question. I…want to be that person. I’m _trying_ to be that person.”

“Okay, Isak.” Even whispered back, feeling tears prick his eyes.

“Okay. Goodbye, Even.”

“Goodbye."


	19. You’re Magnificent

“This is not a laughing matter!”

“Oh my God! You are a fucking _failure_ , Isak.” Magnus wailed, clutching his stomach as he laughed; tears rolling down his cheeks.

“Our friendship is over.”

“And you…and you say _I’m_ pathetic? You say that I have no game? What the fucking hell?”

“I’m serious, man! Come on!” Isak whined, punching Magnus hard in the shoulder.

“Okay, okay. Fine!” Magnus sighed, rubbing his shoulder. “What is it you’re asking exactly?”

Isak rolled his eyes. Magnus wasn’t exactly the person he wanted to talk to about this, but Jonas and Mahdi were off somewhere together working on an assignment and Isak was kind of low on options. Magnus was his best bet.

“I want to think of something…romantic to do. Like a romantic date. I wanna plan something nice for Even.” Isak said hesitantly.

Magnus raised his eyebrows.

“Romantic?”

Isak frowned. “Uh, yeah. Isn’t that the whole point of a _date?”_

“Yeah, it is. I just didn’t know…that…gay guys did…romance?” Magnus squeaked, already looking apologetic.

“Magnus, seriously?! What do you think we do? Go to some bar and fuck each other in back rooms?” Isak flailed, punching Magnus in the collarbone this time.

“Some guys do! I saw it on a show once!”

“That’s TV! It’s not real.”

“You’re not real if you think sending a bunch of fucking quotes is the way to a guy’s heart!” Magnus retorted, looking smug.

“Okay. That’s it. I’m leaving.” Isak snapped, turning on his heel. Magnus quickly ran after him and turned Isak around so he was facing him again.

“Sorry. Jesus Christ, chill.” Magnus huffed. “Romantic, huh?”

Isak rolled his eyes _again._ “Yes. But like, not sappy romantic. Not walks on a beach or rose pedals on a bed or like, flowers delivered to his house.”

“Oh! Flowers are good. Do the flowers thing.”

“Magnus, for fuck’s sake!”

“I’m not joking right now. I’ll even pitch in. Let’s split it in half.” Magnus nodded eagerly, his eyes bright. Isak couldn’t help but laugh.

“You would help me send flowers to the guy I am trying to win back?”

“Hell fucking yeah! Have you met Even? I mean, seriously. I’m half in love with him too. For reals.” Magnus said, his voice soft and fond.

Isak just shook his head.

“You really think he’d like that? He just said he wanted more from me than cheesiness. Aren’t flowers the ultimate cheesiness?”

“As long as you don’t send a card with some kind of quote on it, I think you’re good.” Magnus said, clapping Isak on the back.

**

“Flowers are dumb, right?”

Matilde smiled at him fondly as he paced back and forth. “I think flowers are a lovely gesture.”

“But…now I’m questioning everything! I don’t know what he’ll find sincere. I don’t know what he’ll think is me trying to do more or what he’ll think is just…I don’t know…more sappiness! This is so complicated.” Isak sighed, sitting down with a loud thud on the leather chair. He raised his eyebrows at Matilde expectantly.

“I think the fact that you are thinking about it so much shows that you care a lot, Isak. This is good progress.” Matilde stated.

“But Even doesn’t know that! How do I show him?”

“You try, Isak. You tried only sending quotes to him and that didn’t work. You told him something in your own words over the phone, and that was better. Now…it’s time for something else.” Matilde said.

“But…what if I do something wrong? What if I mess up again?”

“Then you apologize and you try again.” Matilde said it like it was so simple.

“I can’t mess up again, though. He’ll…he’ll hate me.” Isak whispered, closing his eyes at the thought.

“Isak…relationships are more complicated than that. Do you really think, if you were to be together again, that neither of you will ever make mistakes? People make mistakes all the time in relationships. But it’s possible to move forward. You just have to recognize that what you did was wrong and then make amends. And make sure you try your best not to do it again.”

Isak swallowed the hard lump in his throat before he looked up.

“I feel like I’m _always_ going to feel like I will mess up. I want to be so much better. I want to be…reliable. I want to be a better person for Even. But, I just keep thinking that I’ll be the one to ruin us if we’re together again. I’ll hurt him again and he doesn’t deserve that.” Isak explained, leaning forward towards Matilde.

“Isak…”

“I ruin everything else. I can’t…save people. I’m not enough for people.”

Isak didn’t realize he was crying until Matilde was kneeling down in front of him and handing him a tissue. He took it gratefully and rubbed his eyes, sniffling.

“Isak, are you talking about what happened with your mother?” Matilde asked gently.

Isak stared at her for a long moment before he nodded. He hadn’t wanted to speak about his mother. He wanted to focus on Even and what to do. He wanted to have Even be the focus of this conversation, but somehow he couldn’t speak about that without talking about his mother. Isak had been thinking a lot about how he couldn’t be there for his mother. He didn’t do _enough._ Even though nobody helped him and even though he knew it was too much for one person to handle, he still felt like her going crazy was his fault. The drinking was his fault because he didn’t take it away from her. The hallucinations were his fault because he hadn’t taken the batteries out of all the clocks and now his mother always thought at 07:56 that aliens were coming to knock their front door down.

And if Isak couldn’t save his own mother…if he couldn’t have been a reliable person, the _only_ reliable person to someone as important as his mother, how could he be stable enough for Even?

He didn’t always feel this way. The guilt came in waves. One day or week he would feel like everything was his fault and that he should have done more. The next day or week he’d blame his mother and father for not being better parents. It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t his responsibility to deal with their problems. It wasn’t his fault…

“…that your mother is mentally ill.” Matilde was saying.

“W-what?” Isak stammered, feeling lost in the conversation now.

“I said, Isak, that it’s not your fault. Your mother being ill is not your fault. Your mother not sleeping and drinking too much and seeing things that aren’t real; none of that is your fault. You were a child in a situation where you were given too much responsibility too soon in your life. That was unfair and you have a right to be upset about that.”

“But…I should have done more for her. I should have called someone, or…or gotten rid of all the bottles of wine. Or…”

“No, Isak.” Matilde said softly, taking Isak’s hands in his own.

Her hands were so soft and she smelled of a lotion that was achingly familiar to Isak. His mom used to wear it when he was a child. She would wear it to church and he remembered her rubbing it on her face after her shower; her skin fresh and clean and her lips turned up into a smile.

He’d sit on the vanity as she put her makeup on and hand her things she needed, the whole bathroom smelling of that lotion.

_Mamma._

“I just…” Isak cried again, reaching for Matilde this time. “I’m just _so sorry.”_

Matilde came easily into the hug, wrapping her arms around Isak. She put her whole body into the hug and Isak couldn’t help but sob into her shoulder, the smell of the lotion engulfing him now. He missed the version of his mother that he never got to know. He missed the good times they could have had if she’d been well. He hated that she was ill and that he would never know her in the way he longed for. He was so angry and sad and so _tired_ of trying to cling to something that was already gone.

“You _are_ enough, Isak. You’re a good person, and I know you can do this. You can love Even and he can love you, despite the fact that you might argue sometimes. Despite the fact that you might make mistakes. It will be okay if you let yourself have it.” Matilde whispered, running her right hand through Isak’s hair. He was still crying silently against her, unable to feel the embarrassment he would likely feel later.

“I want it. I want _him._ I want…us again. I’ve never felt…” Isak trailed off, unable to find the words. He thought about it for a moment, wanting to articulate it, wanting to know his own mind.

“I’ve never felt so free. And at peace. Being with him gives me peace.” Isak decided on, pulling back from Matilde finally to look into her eyes.

She smiled at him.

“Tell him that then, Isak. Do everything you can to make him feel that.”

**

Isak couldn’t stop blushing as he walked around the flower shop. He didn’t have the faintest idea what the fuck he was doing, but he continued to browse and avoid the curious eyes of the lady working the cash register.

But ultimately, he walked up to her because he couldn’t decide.

“I need to give someone a flower.” He blurted out before he could run away. “But I don’t know which one.”

The lady, who was older and had short grey hair, smiled kindly at him and walked him over to the same selection he had just been looking at. “What is the occasion?” She prompted.

“Umm…” Isak panicked. “I’m trying to ask someone on a date. But I also want the flower to… _mean_ something? I want it to say something about the person.”

“I see. And what would you like it to say, exactly?”

Isak paused for a moment, thinking. Fuck his head was a mess. But he waited, giving himself room to breathe. He was realizing lately that if he tried to think too quickly his brain kind of shut down and couldn’t decide on anything, so taking a moment to really sort through his thoughts helped.

Getting to know your own mind was a complicated process.

“I want it to say…that this person is wonderful. That this person is more than just beautiful. So, nothing that just means beauty or anything like that. Something more.” Isak decided, nodding.

“Something more real?” The lady asked, winking.

Isak chuckled. “Yeah. Something real. But do flowers actually have meaning, or does it really not matter?”

The lady scoffed as if offended but then smiled again and put a hand on his shoulder. “My boy, I have worked with flowers for nearly thirty years. You best believe they have meaning. Picking a flower requires a lot more thought than most people give. You can say a lot with a flower.”

Isak kind of loved her.

“This is called a bird of paradise. Do you know what it means?” She asked, handing it over to Isak.

“No.”

“Magnificence.”

_Even is magnificent,_ Isak thought.

“It’s perfect.”

She nodded. “Great. I won you over with the first try. That is definitely _magnificent.”_

Isak stopped before he followed her up to the cash register to pay, a sudden thought blooming. “Um, excuse me? Do you have something that also means…I don’t know. Loyalty? Or something to show someone that you…are really dedicated to them?”  

The lady took his hand and led him to another section of the shop. She handed him a white flower this time.

“Chrysanthemum. It means truth and loyal love. Will this do?”

“You’re amazing.” Isak said as a reply.

“I know. Come with me. I’ll wrap them.” She replied, strolling back to the front of the shop. Isak followed.

“Thank you.” Isak said, gently holding onto the packaged flowers. “I appreciate your help.”

“No problem. I hope your girlfriend likes them, honey.”

Isak felt his smile falter for a second. Usually he would just ignore the wrong pronoun because it didn’t really matter. But for some reason, right at this moment, it did matter. Isak didn’t want to pretend to anyone that Even wasn’t the one who made him smile; the one he loved and thought was magnificent.

“Boyfriend, actually. A pretty great one too.” Isak said, ignoring the shake of his hands.

“I’m sure he is. Have a good night.” The lady said, waving as he left the shop.

He headed over to Even’s house with a huge grin on his face.

**

Even was sitting on his bed, attempting to do homework, when he heard his doorbell ring. He frowned, not expecting anyone. He knew Mikael was busy being on a date. His other friends hadn’t made plans with him. He hoped beyond hope that it wasn’t his parents.

The last person he expected it to be was Isak.

“H-hey.” Even stuttered, closing his mouth which had been hanging open due to shock.

“Hi. Sorry to bother you.” Isak said, looking a bit flustered.

“No, it’s all right. Want to come in?” Even offered, wishing he wasn’t wearing pajamas and an old sweater that probably had more than one hole in it.

“Um, actually. I just came by to give you these.”

Isak reached out and handed Even what looked like flowers. _Flowers?_ Even looked inside and saw two very different looking flowers and then looked up at Isak in confusion.

“That one…” Isak started, pointing. “It’s called bird of paradise. And the other one is a chrysanthemum. They…they, uh, have different meanings.”

Even broke out into a completely unintentional smile. _How fucking cute was this boy._

“What do they mean?” Even asked.

Isak was blushing so hard and he looked fucking nervous as hell, but when he spoke again his voice was confident.

“Bird of paradise means…magnificence. It means wonder. And I got it because you’re the most magnificent person I know. In every way. A-all the ways, really.” Isak stated. He looked at Even quickly and then back down at the flowers.

He couldn’t hold eye contact with Even and Even was dying of the emotion jolting through him. Jesus Christ.

“Chrysanthemum means…uh, it means…truth. I wanted something that meant dedication too, and this white one means loyal…love. Loyal love. The kind of love that I want us to have again. If…if you know, you let me try again.” Isak stammered, stepping back away from Even and the flowers.

“Isak. You came all the way here just to give me flowers?” Even asked, biting his bottom lip to prevent himself from laughing with joy.

“Yes. Yes, I did. And, something else too.” Isak stated, taking a deep breath. “There’s a card inside the wrapping paper. It’s an invitation to a date…uh, you know. With me. In a couple of days. On…on the weekend.”

Even was going to die. Actually die of happiness.

“And you don’t have to say yes. You really don’t. But…I planned a date if you want to meet me. Just…uh…text me your answer when you know. It’s fine either way. I know it might be too soon. But just…just let me know. God, sorry. I’m just kind of nervous.” Isak said all at once, entirely breathless by the end.

“You’re so fucking cute.”

Isak raised his eyebrows at that, finally meeting Even’s eyes.

“Cute? _No._ I am…confident. Confident and sappy and other things. More adjectives I can’t think of, but by no means am I cute. Who do you take me for?” Isak asked, taking another step back. He smiled at Even.

“Fucking. Cute.” Even nodded.

“Shut. Up.”

Even laughed. He let himself laugh this time, and when he did it was sincere. He wasn’t laughing because he was upset, or to hide some other kind of emotion. He was genuinely happy in this moment.

Isak smiled too. “I’ll…I’ll be going now.”

“Okay.” Even whispered, really not wanting Isak to go but knowing he needed to let him. Nothing too fast.

“Goodnight, love.” Isak said, before turning away; the words almost a whisper.

“Goodnight, baby.”

Even watched Isak walk away until he was out of sight, and then he shut his door.

**

“Flowers?!”

“Mikael…”

“Flowers?! You interrupted my date for this? Does he think you’re a chick?”

“I like flowers, asshole!”

“I bet they’re roses. Fucking red roses with baby’s breath.”

“Nope. He got ones with actual meaning.” Even smiled with his phone to his ear, looking over at the flowers that were sitting in a vase on his counter.

“Wow. I’m kind of impressed. And he planned a date?”

“Yep. It’s in a few days. He told me to text him my answer.”

“You’re so whipped. Like fucking Cool Whip. I know you’re going. Where is this date, exactly, hm?”

“That’s the fucking weird part…” Even trailed off.  

“What?” Mikael asked. “Are you taking a dramatic pause? This isn’t a fucking Baz Luhrmann film, bro!”

Even looked down at the invitation before he read it aloud to Mikael.

 

_Even,_

_Will you please meet me this Saturday at the south entrance of Ikea? 10pm._

_You’re magnificent._

_Love, Isak xo_

“IKEA?!”

“Yep. Ikea.”

“What in the fucking hell…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I needed to add a bit of fluff after all the angst. :)
> 
> Comments always welcome and appreciated!


	20. Boundaries and Throw Pillows

12:23: _I will accept your date proposal. But…what in the hell are we going to do in IKEA?_

Isak smiled down at Even’s message and then looked up. Jonas caught his eye from across the table and smirked at Isak, asking with his eyebrows what Isak looked so fucking happy about.

“Even agreed to go on the date with me.” Isak said sheepishly, feeling his cheeks heat up.

“Yes!” Magnus cheered, throwing a hand into the air in a victory punch. “Love is in the fucking air, my dudes.”

“ _Shit._ Now I have to actually sneak you in.” Jonas said, shaking his head. “Man, you can’t get me fired. I kind of need this job.”

“You hate IKEA.” Mahdi pointed out.

“Yes. Stupid fucking awful place. But…you know, money is always nice to have.” Jonas explained, chugging down the rest of his soda.

“Says the anti-capitalist.” Isak scoffed.

“Shut up or I’m not helping you.”

“Okay, okay. Sorry.” Isak said, holding his hands up in surrender. “What’s the plan then?”

“You’re meeting Even at 10pm, right?”

Isak nodded. “Yeah.”

“Okay, cool. I close up that night and I should be leaving the store around that time. I’ll disable the cameras in the right department and then leave the door unlocked for you. It should all be fine, as long as you get the fuck out by midnight.”

“Like Cinderella!” Magnus squealed, clapping his hands together excitedly. “This means that Even is Prince Charming. I fucking knew it all along!”

“MAGNUS!” They all shouted together.

Magnus just grinned widely at them and continued to eat his lunch. Isak couldn’t help but fondly smack Magnus across the back of his head and then fist bump him when Magnus just looked at Isak lovingly.

“I’m coming back at midnight to lock up, so if you guys aren’t out by then…it’s your funeral.” Jonas added. “I’m serious.”

“I hear you, Jonas. Thank you. I’m serious about that too.” Isak replied, reaching out his hand so Jonas could fist bump him too.

Jonas raised his bushy eyebrows and for a second Isak thought they might fly off his forehead.

“Are you fucking with me?”

“What?” Isak asked, incredulous.

“Is it suddenly 2005 again? Is fist bumping actually _cool?”_

“Oh my God, shut the fuck up and do it! It can be cool and our thing. I decided. Come on.” Isak smiled, shaking his extended fist in Jonas’s face.

“No. Absolutely not. Mahdi, come on. Back me up.” Jonas begged, looking over at Mahdi expectantly.

But Mahdi just reached over and fist bumped Isak himself, earning him respective cheers from Magnus and Isak. Then they all turned towards Jonas who had crossed his arms over his chest.

“No. Way. In. Hell.”

“Jonas…” Isak whined. “Don’t leave me hanging.”

“Ugh, for the love of…” Jonas rolled his eyes. “ _Fine.”_ He reached over and fist bumped Isak and all three of them cheered, making Jonas glare at all of them for about a minute straight.

**

Isak was just getting back to his apartment after school when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He placed his backpack down in his room before he lied down on his bed and took out his phone, hoping to see Even’s name.

He was thoroughly disappointed and he felt his chest tighten when he saw who it was that had messaged him.

Pappa: _Hello, Isak. I haven’t contacted you until now because I know you were upset with me. I hope you have been well. Mamma is also doing well. I was wondering if you wanted to come and see her sometime soon. She has been asking about you, and she is usually in her right mind. Consider it. Also, what are your plans for your living situation? I know the rent that boy paid for is almost up. What comes next? Despite our differences I will still agree to pay your rent, but under some conditions. You must see Mamma and you must have a conversation with me. I’m still your father Isak. That hasn’t changed. I’ll always be your father. Think it over and we’ll talk soon._

Isak read the message four times before he put his phone down and mashed his face into his pillow. Before he knew what he was really doing he screamed into the pillow, the sound muffled by the fabric. It felt good to scream. It felt good to let out some of the anger that was boiling in his blood.

What made his father think he had any fucking right?

Isak’s mind was racing and his heart was pounding. He knew what he was feeling was anxiety. His father always gave him fucking anxiety. Isak wanted to get control of it and fast so he did what Matilde had suggested he do in these types of situations; when he felt desperate and was spiralling and could feel himself falling over the edge.

He picked his phone back up and called her.

“This is Dr. Watkins.”

“Hello, this is Isak.”

“Isak. Hello sweetheart. How are you?” Matilde asked, her voice softening.

“I…ugh…I’m not so great, Matilde.”

“What happened?”

Isak explained about the text message and the fact that he went into instant panic mode. Matilde told him to take a few deep breaths and focus on her voice. Isak tried, but all he could think about was his father’s words. How dare he give ultimatums to Isak? How could he even fucking think of making Isak see him in order to get something? How could he…

“Isak. Breathe. You need to breathe. I can tell you’re still panicking. Listen to me. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Okay. Okay. Sorry.” Isak said, repeating those words over and over while he breathed. Eventually, his heart rate slowed and the anxiety fog that had polluted his brain was finally beginning to clear.

“Okay, good job Isak. That’s good.” Matilde said.

“I just…can’t believe him.”

“I know, honey. But I want you to remember one thing right now. You don’t _have_ to reply to him. You don’t have to say anything. You are still in control.”

“He makes me feel like a fucking child. He makes it out like he’s here to save the fucking day because of course he knows everything. He doesn’t know _anything._ All he knows is how to destroy people.” Isak spat, the viciousness of his words surprising him.

“You have a right to feel that way, Isak. I understand. But like I said, he isn’t in control here. You are. You control how you respond to him. And if you choose not to reply, that’s okay.” Matilde assured him. “What else did he say that upset you?”

Isak shook his head, realizing he was clutching the sheets on his bed with enough force that his hand was aching. He let it go.

“That he thinks he has the right to call himself my father.”

“Okay…”

“Being a father means loving your child and showing them that you love them. I don’t feel anything from him. He’s never been kind.” Isak said, admitting it out loud for what felt like the first time. He had never really thought about how much of his childhood was left spread open; an empty hole of darkness and shouting and endless nights of trying to understand his parents’ craziness.

But it was only recently that Isak knew he didn’t _deserve_ what his parents had done to him. It was only in the past few weeks that Isak thought that he could voice how he felt without being a horrible son.

“You don’t owe your father anything, Isak. I think a lot of your anxiety stems from his actions based on how much you reacted to him tonight. Some of that should lessen if you continue to distance yourself or at least set boundaries with him that he must follow.” Matilde began, clearing her throat.

“Boundaries?”

“Yes. You can tell him you don’t want him to message you. You can let him know when you see him and when you don’t see him.”

Isak laughed without humor. “He’d never listen to that. He’d say I had no right.”

“Well, that’s his problem because it is your right, Isak. It’s your right to protect yourself and to put your mental health first. There are tons of quotes about toxic people sucking the life out of you if you let them into your life without boundaries. I think it’s safe to say that this is one of the situations where a quote like that applies.”

Isak smiled to himself and thought _I fucking love you Matilde._

He finally felt like he had someone on his side; that someone was fighting for him. With the exception of Even, of course. Even had always fought for Isak.

It was an unfamiliar and yet fucking incredible feeling.

“How do I…let him know what the boundaries are?” Isak asked.

“You tell him in whatever form you’d like. That can be through a text message, phone call or in person. Up to you.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.” Matilde repeated. “Isak. I know you may not want to discuss this, but have you thought about what you might do in terms of your apartment? Are you planning to try and stay? I imagine you don’t want to go back home.”

Isak sighed, running a hand through his hair. “No. I don’t want to go home. But I guess I’ve been thinking that I have to…”

“You don’t, Isak. You don’t _have_ to do anything.”

Isak chuckled, the sound dark and humorless. “But I kind of do have to, Matilde. I don’t have money to stay here. Eskild and Linn need a roommate who can pay their own way. I can’t ask anyone else for money except my father, but I don’t want to grovel and ask him. I don’t want to…play his game. It’s such a fucking power-trip.”

“I understand.”

“I’ve thought about asking Jonas if I can stay with him, but I’m not sure what his mom will think. I’m just not sure about anything at this point.” Isak sighed. “But I appreciate you talking to me, Matilde.”

“No problem, Isak. I’ll see you for our normal session next week, okay?”

“Okay, bye.”

“Bye, Isak.”

**

An hour later, Isak wandered out of his room in search of some kind of dinner. His stomach was growling and he was sick of moping alone in his room. Eskild, of course, was standing in the kitchen when Isak walked in.

“Isak! How are you?”

Isak shrugged his shoulders and opened the fridge, realizing quickly that he hadn’t done groceries yet. He literally had one egg left and some mouldy cheese.

“I’m making pasta if you want to share.” Eskild said, raising his eyebrows. Isak smiled sheepishly back.

“Ugh, thanks. I didn’t get around to getting food.”

“Not a problem. Want to grab us some plates?”

Isak set the table and waited patiently as Eskild brought over the pasta. They ate in silence for a few minutes before Isak decided on what to say.

“Eskild, I might have to move out soon.” He began, averting his eyes from Eskild’s face. “I…I know I practically just moved in. But, I don’t have any of my own money right now and my family situation is utter shit so…”

“Fuck, Isak.” Eskild whispered. “I’m sorry.”

Isak sighed. “No, _I’m_ sorry Eskild. I know you wanted someone more reliable. I just…I can’t accept money from my father. I can’t.”

“Can I ask why? You haven’t really talked much about your family.”

“There’s not much to tell except that if I let my father give me money for rent, he’ll act like he gets to control me again. Everything and everyone has to always be under his thumb. I moved here to try and get away from that…I want to stay, but I also can’t have him hold that kind of power over me.” Isak explained.

“But, isn’t the alternative going home? What other option is there?” Eskild asked.

“I don’t fucking know. I have no clue what to do next.” Isak admitted, shoving his plate away; no longer feeling hungry.

Eskild nodded and reached over, placing his hand gently on top of Isak’s. “I’m sorry. This sounds so stressful. What about…Even? Could he…”

“No.” Isak interrupted. “I can’t ask him for anything else.”

“I’m sure he wouldn’t mind, though.”

“I know. He’d probably give me money right away because that’s the kind of person he is, but I can’t accept it. I need to do it myself. I have to sort it out myself, without begging for money from someone.”

Eskild fell silent and Isak didn’t know what to say either. They sat in the silence together until Isak stood up, taking his food over to the counter.

“Thanks for…you know, letting me talk.” Isak mumbled, giving Eskild a tiny wave before he went back to his bedroom.

“No problem.” Eskild called, a sadness to his voice that Isak had never heard before.

**

It was approaching 21:00 when Isak heard his phone start ringing. He looked up from his homework and groaned, hoping it wasn’t his father. But when he picked up his phone and saw Even’s name, his heart leapt into his throat with excitement.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Isak.” Even said, his voice smooth and pleasant.

“H-how are you?”

“I’m doing well. How are you?”

_Shit. I’m fucking shit._

“Fine.” Isak said unsteadily.

“You don’t sound fine, baby.”

_Baby._ Isak couldn’t help but try and smile.

“It’s nothing. I’ve just been doing some homework. Feel like I’m going cross-eyed.” That wasn’t entirely a lie.

“I see. Nothing else is up?” Even asked, his voice laced with concern now.

“No. No, I’m fine.”

“Okay. I, ugh…I just wanted to call and say that I’m looking forward to our date. Although, IKEA? I’m so fucking intrigued.” Even chuckled, the sound making Isak giggle too.

“I know it’s super random.”

“You think?” Even teased. “Can you give me a hint? Are we stealing something? Are you secretly CIA and there is some kind of super-expensive diamond that was stolen by a thief and they just so happened to hide it in the Oslo IKEA?”

Isak burst out laughing, clutching his stomach. “What the fuck? Are you high?”

“No. I just like making up stories.”

“Jesus Christ.”

“So, _is_ there a diamond to be stolen?”

“No, you fucking weirdo! I’m not telling you anything. Guess you’ll have to just keep thinking of crazy theories.”

“So, we’re actually stealing a bedroom set because someone broke in and trashed the one I bought you before?”

“Nope.”

“You signed us up for a night-crew cleaning team?”

“Even! I’m not going to tell you!”

“But it’s so fun to guess!”

“I’m hanging up!”

“No, wait!” Even laughed. “Wait, don’t hang up. Please?”

“ _Fine.”_ Isak smiled. “What?”

“The flowers you got me are doing well. The bird of paradise is my personal favourite.”

Isak scoffed, feeling himself blush. “You called me to talk about _flowers?”_

“Yes. Maybe I did.”

“You sap.”

“Excuse me, but you’re the one who came all the way to my place to give my flowers and then proceeded to tell me what they specifically meant in relation to your big, gay feelings for me. Who is the sap now, huh?”

“My _big, gay feelings?!_ You are definitely high.”

“So you don’t have big, gay feelings for me?”

“Like I said, hanging up now. See you never.”

“Aww, baby. Don’t leave me. I’ll be so lonely without you.”

“Too late.”

And then Even started singing loudly and obnoxiously.

“LONELY! I’M SO LONELY! I HAVE NOBODY! ALL ON MY OOWWWNN!”

“You’re stupid!”

“You love me!” Even laughed.

Isak bit his bottom lip, smiling but also now feeling tears creep into his eyes. He knew what his reply would be and it felt incredible to say it again; to banter back and forth with Even again. Fuck, he’d missed this.

“You’re not wrong.”

**

21:35: _Hello, Pappa. I would appreciate it if you did not text me anymore. I am trying to move on from what happened and I can’t do that if you are trying to contact me. I don’t want your money. I don’t want anything from you, and I will figure out my own living situation. I will see Mamma when I decide and IF I decide. That’s not up to you. I don’t know when we’ll speak again, but right now you need to leave me alone._

21:38: _Who the hell do you think you are, Isak? I have done nothing to you. How do you expect to pay for an apartment? You’re living in a fantasy world. And now you’re telling me you may never see your mother again? After all this time, I can’t believe you’d just cut off contact with her. You’re being selfish._

21:39: _I am blocking your number now, Pappa. Goodbye._

**

**The EVAK fanclub <333**

Magnus: _Hey everyone!_

Jonas: _I’m not even surprised_

Mahdi: _Shocker_

Isak: _You are Tumblr personified, I fucking swear_

Even: _Magnus you’re great :P don’t ever change_

Magnus: _AT LEAST EVEN APPRECIATES ME_

Even: _Always ;)_

Magnus: _Good luck with your date tomorrow!_

Isak: _Magnus…_

Even: _Thanks man. I’m excited_

Jonas: _NO SPOILERS FOR YOU_

Jonas: :P

Even: _I know. Isak refused to say anything_

Magnus: _IKEA is awesome_

Jonas: _IKEA is the bane of my existence_

Mahdi: _Jonas is a bitter panda_

Magnus: _Like a sour candy_

Isak: _Sour candy is the best kind of candy, duh_

Jonas: _EXACTLY. I just keep it real_

Even: _I missed you guys <3_

Jonas: _We missed you_

Mahdi: _Yeah, Even. You fucking rule_

Magnus: _< 3 <3 <3 There aren’t enough hearts in this world_

Jonas: _Let’s all go for pizza soon. Like next week_

Isak: _*rolls eyes forever*_

Even: _Aww baby don’t be like that <3_

Magnus: _BABY! Ugh, the feels. I can’t handle it_

**

“God, I’m so fucking nervous.” Isak said, rubbing his sweaty palms on his jeans.

“Don’t be. It will be fine.” Jonas assured.

“Are you sure this is okay? I seriously don’t want you to get into shit.”

Jonas rolled his eyes. “Yes, Isak. Everything will be fine.”

“I can’t believe you know how to disable cameras. Like, who the fuck are you?”

“I’m literally in charge of everything at the end of the night. They gave me the power. It’s not my fault I’ve learned to exploit it.” Jonas sniggered.

“ _How_ exactly did you discover how to disable the cameras and get away with it?”

Jonas shook his head. “I wanted to bang a chick in there. She was into the whole danger thing. You know, the almost-getting-caught kink.”

“Exhibitionist kink? Holy shit Jonas!” Isak laughed, his voice squeaking.

“Shut up!” Jonas said, smacking Isak’s arm. “But that’s how I realized that it really isn’t hard to do it. So, it will be fine. But I can only do it for the two hours or else it looks kind of suspicious.”

“You’re fucking awesome, man.”

“Well, I work at IKEA so how awesome can I actually be?”

Isak shook his head. He loved his friend. “I’ll be there tonight at 22:00. Thank you.”

“No problem. Good luck getting your man.” Jonas winked. “Although, I’m pretty sure he’s yours again already.”

**

Even took a moment to admire Isak from a far before he made himself known. Isak was fidgeting from foot to foot, holding a CD player and what looked like a picnic basket. He was looking around and then frantically checking his phone. Even smiled to himself, knowing Isak was anxious; knowing Isak wanted this date to be perfect.

Even emerged from the shadows he had been hiding in and walked over to meet Isak at the south entrance of IKEA.

Fucking _IKEA._

“Hey.” Even said, unable to stop himself from walking right up to Isak and kissing him on the cheek.

Isak startled a bit but then reached for Even and pulled him into a hug. Even hugged back, feeling Isak’s desperation through their touch. They seemed to be in the same boat when it came to being touch-starved.

“Hey.” Isak whispered, kissing Even’s cheek this time. “Thanks for coming.”

“Of course.” Even smiled.

“Um, follow me?” Isak asked, reaching down to take Even’s hand.

“Of course.” Even repeated, wrapping his fingers through Isak’s. “Lead the way.”

Isak turned around and opened the door, leading Even inside the building. A lot of lights were off so Isak used the flashlight app on his phone to lead them through until they were suddenly on the sales floor. Even looked around and realized they were in the living room section, surrounded by couches and tables and reclining chairs. And lots of fucking throw pillows.

"Throw pillows.” Even chuckled.

Isak stopped, turning to look at Even.

“You…you remember the day we came here?” Isak asked, looking suddenly shy.

“ _Of course.”_ Even said seriously this time, putting his hands on Isak’s waist and pulling him, bringing their bodies together.

Isak swallowed hard and looked down at Even’s lips, unconsciously licking his own. Even brought a hand up to place on Isak’s cheek, rubbing gently.

“It was a good day, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah.” Isak breathed out.

“Is that why you brought me here?  To reminisce about throw pillows?” Even teased, moving towards Isak before he could answer properly and placing one small kiss on Isak’s lips.

“No.” Isak shuddered, licking along Even’s top lip.

“Why are we here then, hm?”

“I…ugh, you have to let go of me or I can’t _think.”_ Isak pleaded, trying to wriggle out of Even’s hold. Even held him tighter.

“Tell me, baby.”

“ _Even.”_

Isak moved first, reaching for Even, wrapping his fingers in Even’s hair and pulling him; angling his face until Even couldn’t help but open his mouth and lick and take. They both moaned, they both were shaking and they both gave into it so seamlessly. It lasted only a minute before Isak pulled away and moved his hand back down to Even’s hand and pulled him further along.

“It’s not much farther.” Isak said.

They walked until they got into the dining room section of the store, and Even couldn’t help but laugh at their situation. They were sneaking around a furniture store after hours, which was probably highly illegal, and now Even saw that Isak had prepared for this in the most adorable way.

On one of the dining room tables sat two plates with a box of pizza in the middle. A larger chandelier hung over the table; the only light that was left on out of all the chandeliers that hung close by. It made the table illuminated in the darkness of the rest of the store.

Isak put the picnic basket near the box of pizza and opened it, bringing out a bottle of wine and two wine glasses. He placed the CD player on the floor near the table and plugged it in. Then he stood up and turned back around to face Even, his face blushing crimson. Even could see his red cheeks even in their mostly dark surroundings.

“You’re so cute, Isak.”

Isak rolled his eyes and groaned. “Ugh! Again with this whole ‘cute’ thing!”

“It’s still true.” Even said, smiling. “Are we eating pizza then?”

Isak nodded. “Yep. And drinking this very…very, ugh, nice wine? This wine that I know nothing about but was told is very nice. Yeah. Very nice.”

Even chuckled, walking over to help open the bottle. He poured the wine into the glasses and handed one to Isak, clinking them together.

“Cheers.”

“Cheers.” Isak whispered, sipping.

Even walked over to the dining room table and sat down, reaching for the pizza. But suddenly Isak closed the lid, shaking his head. Even raised his eyebrows.

“I don’t get any pizza?”

“Not yet. First…I…I wondered if…” Isak gulped, and his face coloured even more.

Even bit his bottom lip, waiting patiently as Isak struggled to find words.

Isak bent down and pressed a button on the CD player. An unfamiliar song started to play and Isak offered a hand to Even.

“First, will you…dance with me?”

**

_“Throw pillows are the most useless things!” Isak announced, rolling his eyes at the obscene number of shelves dedicated to the pillows._

_Even grabbed Isak’s hand and pulled him down one of the aisles, smiling back at him as they stopped in front of a collection of pillows with cats on them._

_“These are great!”_

_“You’re so fucking weird! What is the point of having ugly ass pillows like this?”_

_“So you can remember how cute cats are.”_

_“I’m allergic.”_

_“Typical. This is why we can’t have nice things.” Even said, shaking his head. Isak shoved him._

_It seemed like Even only temporarily lost his footing but then he was falling for real and Isak couldn’t catch him in time. Even flailed his arms out and grabbed onto the top shelf, trying to steady himself, but the shelf only caved under his weight. Even ended up on his ass with four shelves worth of cat pillows falling on him, burying him. Luckily the shelves didn’t hit Even, but he was hit repeatedly in the face with the pillows._

_Isak had never laughed harder in his life._

_“You fucking asshole!” Even shouted, barely managing to hide his laugh._

_“I was wrong.” Isak said, breathless. “Throw pillows aren’t useless after all.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The date isn't over yet :) and in case anyone is wondering, the italics at the end are from when Isak and Even went to IKEA the first time. 
> 
> Comments always welcome and appreciated.


	21. You and Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is slow dancing and all around cheesiness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAVE BEEN SUCKED INTO THE SKAM FANDOM AND I'M STUPIDLY EXCITED FOR SEASON 4. I don't want to be because I have a life and responsibilities but all I wanna do is write this fic and look at pretty gifs of our boys and Sana on Tumblr. But like...I know we're all in similar boats? Let's paddle down this crazy river together? Yes? No? IDK what is life

Isak wrapped his arms around Even’s shoulders as Even placed his hands on Isak’s waist. They swayed together side to side and with each step they seemed to get closer until their chests were touching and their noses brushed.  

Isak took in a deep breath and slowly let it go.

_Took a boat Sunday, down by the sea_

_It just felt so nice, you and me_

_We didn’t have a problem or a care_

_And all around was silence, everywhere_

Isak closed his eyes, the sound of the song echoing inside the empty store. Even held Isak a bit tighter, probably sensing the onslaught of emotion that was flooding Isak’s body. He hadn’t listened to this song in quite a while _._

“Mamma had a Supertramp phase.” Isak whispered, laughing a little. “It…it was the only thing that would calm her down during her episodes. This song in particular.”

_You are the reason I was born_  
Be with you through all seasons  
I'll always hear you when you call  
We'll keep the love light shining

“I’ve never heard of the band.” Even whispered, nudging Isak with his nose; along Isak’s jaw and cheek.

“I…I used to dance with her. She would calm down faster that way. We’d sing the song together.”

Isak felt so fucking stupid, but he continued as the song did too.

_So down here on the ocean we will stay_

_We will stay…we will stay…_

“This song used to be my peace. When this song was playing, things went quiet for a while. This song used to allow me to…press pause so I could try and remember that I had to be strong. That somehow I had to get through.” Isak whispered, placing a small kiss on Even’s chin. “But, it’s only been recently that I realized…”

Isak pulled away and looked into Even’s eyes, stopping their dancing.

“I realized that I don’t need a song to tell me that I’m strong. You showed me that I am. You…made it possible for me to find my own strength. You supported me through everything, Even; literally the hardest time of my life.” Isak explained, swallowing down his embarrassment at being so sappy but the words _had_ to be said.

“Even…you are my peace. You are… _everything_ about life that I am in love with. I found you and by loving you I’ve learned to love myself. I’ve learned…that I can be strong for _me._ And if…if you’ll have me…I want to be strong for you too.” Isak reached up to hold Even’s face, brushing his hair off his now reddening cheeks. “I want to be with you. I want us again. I want to try and be your peace too. I want…”

“ _Yes.”_ Even interrupted, grabbing back at Isak. “Yes, Isak. A thousand times yes.”

Isak immediately felt tears rush into his eyes and he couldn’t help but lean up on his toes and kiss Even again; kiss him breathless.

“You _are_ my peace, Isak. You’re my everything too. God, we’re so fucking sappy but I don’t care because I love you. I love you.” Even said, kissing Isak again.

_To know you as I know you now_

_That is all I need_

_And we will get along somehow_

_If we both believe_

“Even, really? Really? I don’t want this to go too fast.” Isak rushed to say, his heart pounding hard in his neck.

Even laughed, and the sound was music to Isak’s ears. “Isak, everything about us has been fast. Literally everything, but it doesn’t change how I feel about you. I want you. I know I do.”

“Okay.” Isak said, putting his arms back around Even’s neck so they could finish their dance. Even moved Isak so his head was resting on Even’s chest as they swayed again, their movements slower this time.

_So down here on the ocean we will stay_

_Went through a lot of changes_

_Turned a lot of pages_

_When I took a boat Sunday_

They continued to dance even though the song ended. They held onto each other just a little bit longer before Isak lifted his head and smiled. Even returned the smile with a huge grin of his own.

“I still don’t really understand the whole IKEA thing…” Even said, raising his eyebrows. Fucking hell, it could be a trademark at this point.

Isak let go and walked back over to his glass of wine, sipping it.

“Isak?”

“I knew I loved you when that shelf of pillows fell on you.” Isak said suddenly, hanging his head a little. Even chuckled behind him.

“ _What?”_

“I just…” Isak shrugged. “There I was in an IKEA being told off by a boy about throw pillows…A boy who had just given me everything…a boy I didn’t really know yet but desperately wanted to and who was giving me more than just furniture. You were giving me…freedom. And I couldn’t stop looking at you that day. I couldn’t stop laughing and loving every second you were beside me. I…”

“You absolute cheese ball!”

“Shut up!”

“Oh my God, Isak. You snuck me in here so you could slow dance with me, feed me wine and pizza, and tell me this is where you fell in love with me?! Who _are you?”_ Even laughed, hugging Isak from behind and practically lifting him off the floor.

“Okay, I take it back. You aren’t my peace. You’re just a menace!” Isak squealed as Even began tickling him.

They both ended up on the floor underneath the dining room table.

“Like Dennis the menace?”

“Even, stop! Please!” Isak laughed, trying to push Even’s hands away but Even was relentless. He knew how ticklish Isak was.

“You have to say the magic words.”

“What?!” Isak screeched, still attempting to squirm away but now Even had straddled him and he could barely move. “I don’t know the magic words!”

“You’ll just have to guess then!”

“Even, you fucking sadist!”

“Nope. Those aren’t the magic words.”

“I love you!”

“Nope.”

“I hate you!”

“Nope!”

“You’re…you’re fucking awful, _stop it!”_

“Definitely not those words, Isak.”

“I’m going to pee my pants!”

“Kinky.”

“ _EVEN!”_

“What is it, baby? Did you think of the right answer?”

“I…” Isak still squirmed as Even tickled his sides but he racked his brain for what Even could be looking for.

“Come on, Isak. You know you love me. Think.”

“You’re not wrong!” Isak shouted.

Even immediately stopped tickling Isak and put his full weight on top of Isak’s body, aligning their chests and groins. Isak felt adrenaline rush through him in an entirely different way as the pressure of Even’s body settled against him; his long arms on either side of Isak’s head as he leaned down.

“Gold star for you, baby.” Even whispered, and Isak could feel the breath Even let out on his own lips.

“You…suck.” Isak managed to say, placing his hands tentatively on Even’s hips.

“Yeah?” Even teased. “This situation seems familiar.”

Isak frowned. “What?”

“Me tickling you…you telling me I suck…” Even said, grinding his hips into Isak and placing a wet kiss on Isak’s shocked mouth. Isak moaned for it instantly.

“Do you remember what comes next, baby?” Even asked as he broke the kiss.

Isak nodded quickly, his whole body tingling with anticipation. “Yes, I remember.”

Even reached down to undo the button on Isak’s pants, kissing him harder now. They clung to each other and breathed against each other’s mouths as Even slipped Isak’s pants down and put himself between the ‘v’ of Isak’s legs. He hiked up Isak’s shirt and kissed along the pale expanse of the skin on his stomach.

“Even, you too. Wanna see you.” Isak muttered, trying to pull Even’s shirt off.

Even obliged and before long they were both mostly naked, tangled up in each other underneath a fucking dining room table. In IKEA. Isak smiled as he wrapped a hand in Even’s hair, slipping his tongue inside the other boy’s mouth, searching.

“I _missed_ you, Even. Missed your hands on me.” Isak said.

“I missed you too. Let me take care of you, okay?” Even asked, sliding down Isak’s body completely this time until he was level with Isak’s dick; immediately licking a long line on the underside.

Isak bucked his hips up and groaned loudly, not caring anymore about holding back. Nothing had ever felt so fucking good.

In the midst of the amazingness that was Even’s mouth on Isak, Isak slid up a bit too far and ended up knocking his head on the CD player. Music starting playing again and both boys stopped to laugh.

“Did your big head hit the play button?”

“Shut up,” Isak said.

“Okay.” Even whispered, wrapping his lips around Isak and taking him all the way down into the back of his throat; leaving them both unable to speak.

_Give a little bit_  
Give a little bit of your love to me  
Give a little bit  
I'll give a little bit of my love to you  
There's so much that we need to share

**

Jonas (23:49): _Dude, you have ten minutes to GTFO_

Jonas: (23:56): _Isak I STG get out here right now_

Jonas: (23:59): _ISAK!!!!_

“Shit, we have to go now! Grab the pizza I’ll get the wine! Shit, shit, shit!” Isak wailed, jumping up from under the dining room table where they had unceremoniously fallen asleep.

“What is this, Cinderella?”

“None of your sass, let’s go!”

Isak (00:02): _I’M SORRY WE’RE COMING NOW_

Jonas (00:02): _You fucking asshole_

**

Isak and Even ran out the south entrance door and were greeted by a grumpy looking Jonas who simply flipped them off before walking in the door and locking it behind him.

“Ugh…”

“He’s going in to lock up and turn the cameras back on.” Isak explained.

“He knows how to turn cameras off in a fucking IKEA??”

“Jonas is CIA. Duh.”

“I KNEW IT!”

**

“So, my place or yours?”

“Ugh…” Isak said dumbly.

“You seriously think I’m letting you go home alone? We’re continuing what we started in there, Isak.” Even said, his grip on Isak’s hand tightening as they walked.

“So, sleeping?” Isak teased.

“Um, no. No sleeping for you tonight.”

“Is that right?”

“You bet your ass.”

“It’s always my ass, huh?”

“I’m flexible.” Even shrugged, grinning. “Or should I say, versatile?”

Isak swallowed, hard. “So my place. Definitely my place.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs:   
> Downstream - Supertramp (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZf7AW1Q0mc)   
> Give a Little Bit - Supertramp (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ed5WWRgX-TY) 
> 
> Yes, the songs are old and from the 70s FIGHT ME   
> :)   
> But in all seriousness, these songs remind me of my own mother and I have gone through similar things as Isak with my mom so this chapter was emotional for me to say the least. I had to add some kind of personal touch, although this whole story has been one big personal touch tbh. 
> 
> Also, I have no clue how easy or plausible it would be to disable cameras in IKEA but there is this lovely thing called WILLING SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF and I am a stronger believer in it :) 
> 
> Love you all. Comments always welcome and appreciated.


	22. Sleep is the Cousin of Death

Isak held onto Even’s hand all the way back to his apartment, loving every second of their closeness. Despite all he still needed to figure out, at least he knew he had made some progress with Even. He felt like they were getting to a better place and he was excited to have Even back in his life.

Isak tried to walk into his apartment quietly, and potentially sneak Even in, but Eskild was sitting in the living room and practically lunged towards them the second the door closed.

“Even!” Eskild squealed, hugging the taller boy.

Even just laughed and hugged back. “Hi, Eskild.”

“I’m so happy to see you!”

“Let him breathe, Eskild. Jesus.” Isak muttered, shaking his head.

“No sass from you! Ugh, my loves are back together! Oh, happy day! I’ve made tea. Come and have some with me.” Eskild clapped his hands together and walked back into the kitchen to presumably get cups.

“Eskild…” Isak cleared his throat, trying to figure out how to let him down easy.

“One cup of tea and then you can fuck your brains out!” Eskild called.

Isak groaned and looked back at Even apologetically. Even just shrugged his shoulders and put an arm around Isak, kissing his cheek.

“I can survive one cup of tea.”

**

One cup of tea turned into one more cup of tea with biscuits and then before Isak realized it was getting close to 3am. Even yawned dramatically and stretched. Isak couldn’t help but look at the skin of Even’s stomach and Eskild caught him looking.

“Okay, well,” Eskild began, faking a yawn. “I’m going to bed. Goodnight, boys.”

“Remind me to never have tea with you again.” Isak said, standing up. Of course he didn’t mean the words. It had been rather nice to sit and talk with Eskild. It had just interrupted their…other plans.

“You love your guru, don’t fucking lie Isak.”

Even took Isak’s hand and dragged him towards his bedroom. “Goodnight, Eskild!” He called, shutting the door behind him and then pinning Isak against it.

Before Isak could say anything, Even’s mouth was on his. They made out for a few minutes, arms wrapped around each other, before Even tore himself away and smiled.

“I do want to continue things, but I’m dead tired now.”

“It’s okay.” Isak said. “We can just sleep.”

“Okay.”

They undressed and got under the covers, moving a bit sluggishly because they were exhausted. But Even moved until he was spooning behind Isak, placing small kisses along the back of his neck.

Isak melted into the embrace and sighed, already drifting off to sleep. But before he could completely succumb to unconsciousness, he looked back to Even.

“Will you stay until the morning? I don’t want to wake up alone.” The vulnerability in his voice was obvious but Isak couldn’t bring himself to care.

“I’ll be here, Isak. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Okay. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, love.”

**

It was still dark in Isak’s room when he opened his eyes, feeling disoriented. He’d woken up because he was too warm; on the verge of sweaty. He pushed the blankets off of him, but there was still a wall of warmth against his back. He attempted to push it away as well, but then he realized the wall of warmth was a person.

He heard Even chuckle. “Trying to push me out of bed?”

Isak turned around and snuggled closer to Even, shaking his head. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to shove you.” Isak wasn’t used to someone else sleeping next to him.

“It’s okay.”

Isak was kind of awake now even though he knew he’d probably only been asleep for a few hours. The sky was barely changing from the dawn. Even’s breathing didn’t steady so he knew he was still awake as well.

“Have you slept at all?” Isak inquired.

“I think I’ve just been dozing. I am tired though.”

“Is there something on your mind?”

Even sighed, pulling Isak closer to him. “Lots of things.”

“That sounds ominous.”

Even smiled and Isak could feel the movement of it against his forehead. “It’s nothing bad, per say. I’m just wondering about some stuff.”

“Okay. Care to elaborate?” Isak teased, reaching out to tickle Even’s sides. “Speak now or I’m falling asleep.”

“Okay, okay, fine.” Even laughed, pushing Isak’s hands away. “I just…” He paused, and Isak felt the air get tenser around them. “Did you really think I didn’t love you? When I had my episode I mean. I really want to know what was going on in your head.”

Isak tensed up almost immediately, feeling stupid. It had been such a knee-jerk reaction; such a childish thing to do. At least, he’d felt childish about it now that he knew the truth. But Even deserved to know. He deserved to hear it all.

“Yes,” Isak whispered. “I ran out after you and I couldn’t find you. I was so scared. I didn’t know what the hell was going on. I never told you but…Sonja messaged me that night before you walked out. Before the hotel. She told me to call her when I was alone because she had to tell me something important about you. So, not knowing who else to call I phoned her. She came to meet me and she figured out where you were.” Isak took in a deep breath.

“I’m so sorry for scaring you, Isak.”

Isak put a gentle hand over Even’s lips. “Don’t apologize anymore, Even. I _know.”_

“I just had to say it. I can’t imagine what you must have been feeling.”

“My head was fucked. And Sonja didn’t exactly help. She thought that I should have seen it coming. She thought you had told me about it, but when I told her I didn’t know she calmed down. But she said before that that I was only using you for rent money and all this material shit. So I told her off.”

Even laughed. “Of course you did.”

Isak gulped before speaking again. “She said that your episodes can last weeks sometimes. That you do reckless stuff and that means you’re manic. I don’t know why, but I thought that meant that everything between us hadn’t been real. I thought that you had just been manic the entire time and didn’t actually _feel_ anything for me.”

Even held Isak tighter as Isak felt tears creep into his eyes. It had been the loneliest feeling that night. He could remember feeling like the world was closing in on itself; like he was seconds away from being crushed, his lungs swollen up shut forever. As he’d run to Jonas’s house he could almost feel his heart breaking.

“I went to Jonas. I was going to come and see you in the hospital, but…I couldn’t. I didn’t think I was strong enough. So I ran. I don’t really remember much other than waking up and being…” Isak trailed off, not knowing if Even would want to hear how he had been restrained.

“Tell me, baby.” Even whispered.

“I was…tied to a bed. Apparently they thought I was going to hurt myself. I guess I almost did on the way to the hospital with Jonas.”

“Jesus, Isak.”

Isak could feel Even’s tears fall down his face, falling hot onto his nose. Isak reached a hand up and brushed them away, not wanting Even to be in pain.

“I…I love you so much and the idea of you not loving me…or that it had all been some kind of fantasy, just wrecked me I think. I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions, but it was like my mind couldn’t process anything. I couldn’t think clearly. I couldn’t imagine that I was wrong. Even when I finally got home and you sent me all those messages, I somehow still felt like you couldn’t love me. How could you? I thought…I thought all those messages were just you feeling guilty about scaring me. I thought you were trying to let me down easy once you felt okay again and realized you didn’t actually want me.”

Isak didn’t expect Even’s reaction. The older boy let out a loud sob that he quickly covered with his hand, not wanting to wake anyone up. It was still early after all. Isak clutched onto him, feeling his pain in his own chest and he cried too. Even silently cried against Isak, the tears pouring out of his eyes.

“Even, shhh, I’m sorry. Please don’t cry.” Isak whispered.

“God, Isak. _Fuck.”_

Isak waited until Even could form words. Once he calmed down and wiped the remaining tears off his cheeks, he took a deep breath and kissed Isak gently on his forehead, bringing him back into the circle of his arms. He aligned their bodies as much as it was physically possibly and then nearly crushed Isak with the force of his hug.

“I never wanted you to be in that kind of pain. I can’t handle the idea of it…Fuck.”

“Don’t blame yourself, do you hear me? Don’t blame yourself anymore.” Isak said with urgency. “I don’t want you feeling like this was somehow on you. It was just something that happened. And it’s over now.”

“I know. I know it is, and I’m glad we’re past it. I just…I wish I could shield you from all that. I wish…somehow I could stop you from being in any more pain. You don’t fucking deserve it, Isak.”

“You didn’t deserve me abandoning you either. You didn’t deserve me acting like a fool when I got home. You didn’t deserve what I did with Emma.” Isak whispered, closing his eyes.

“But I understand now, Isak. It hurt like hell when I saw you with her, but I understand. If that’s how you had been feeling, and if you really believed I didn’t want you…It’s understandable why you did what you did.” Even said, his jaw clenching.

Isak knew Even didn’t want to think about Emma or what had happened, but he suddenly registered that Even _had_ forgiven him. Isak didn’t exactly feel like he deserved to be forgiven, but he was so fucking grateful that Even was giving him another chance.

“Were you hurt? I never asked if you were okay after your episode.”

Even sighed and then pulled away from Isak, reaching over to turn on the soft light of the lamp on the nightstand. Isak sat up as well, not knowing what Even was doing. But then Even pulled off his shirt, and Isak got a proper look at his bare chest. Even showed Isak the long scar that ran from Even’s shoulder to his wrist. Isak reached for him and ran his thumb along the scar, feeling the raised skin.

“I broke into a store. I shoved my arm through glass. They stitched me up at the hospital and gave me some pain killers.”

Isak felt his heart quicken in his throat and he suddenly pulled Even’s arm towards him and began kissing it. He started at Even’s wrist and kissed every inch of the long scar until he stopped at his shoulder, placing a final kiss on Even’s cheek.

“I’m sorry.” Isak shuddered.

“I felt so horrible about what happened. I woke up to my father telling me you were back in the hospital because of me; because I hadn’t told you. He didn’t think I loved you either. He kept saying that I had hurt you and that I was awful because that first day…when I first met you, my father warned me to stay away. He told me not to get involved with you because you were fragile. You needed stability and he’s never thought I’m stable. He’s never believed I can actually love someone.” Even explained, shaking his head.

“For one moment I thought he might be right.” He continued, catching Isak’s eye. He must have seen the pain that Isak felt radiating across his chest because he reached for Isak, grasping his hands. “But then…then I really thought about it and I _knew._ I knew that I loved you. I knew what I felt. It was the clearest thing.” Even chuckled, looking bewildered. “I had never doubted my feelings for you because they were unlike anything I’d experienced before. They were…the most beautiful thing in my life. And that’s why I sent you so many messages. I needed you to know that. I needed to be the one to tell you how I felt because…only I really know how I feel. Nobody can know that but me.”

Isak lowered his gaze, wishing with all his heart that he had just messaged Even back. Why couldn’t he have just messaged him back all those weeks ago?

“I’ve been…” Isak started. “I’ve been talking with Matilde a lot about my mother. I think I got it into my mind that everyone would leave me. Everyone would…walk away. So, that’s why it seemed so real to me, the thoughts about you not really loving me. I think that’s why I couldn’t see what you were trying to tell me. I didn’t realize it at the time. But I’ve been working on it a lot. I’ve been trying to tell myself that I am worth…being _loved._ ”

“You are, Isak.” Even said passionately, the words breathless. “And you’re so fucking _strong._ I told you that from the beginning. I can’t believe how strong you are.”

Isak knew Even was leaning in to kiss him so he met him half way and immediately opened his mouth, deepening the kiss; wanting to feel nothing but Even. This man who loved Isak and who wanted him and believed in him and had somehow found it in his heart to forgive all of Isak’s bullshit. Isak never wanted to come up for air.

Even reached to pull off Isak’s shirt and Isak let him, wanting to feel bare skin on skin. Isak pulled Even on top of him and wrapped his arms around Even’s back, opening his legs to make room for the taller boy. Even touched him so tenderly but with so much purpose it was making Isak desperate.

“I want you, Isak. I wanna feel you.” Even whispered, licking the words into Isak’s mouth.

“Yes. Please.” Isak whined, grasping at Even’s boxers and then his own.

Isak knew his skin was burning up. He could see the flushed state of Even as well, but neither of them mentioned it. They just clung to each other, rutting against each other, not willing to break away just yet for the things they needed. Isak could feel Even’s heart pounding in his chest because they were so close together, so incredibly wrapped up in each other’s bodies.

It was Even who finally pulled away and asked Isak where his lube was. Isak motioned towards his night stand and Even opened the drawer, immediately finding it and rubbing a generous amount onto his fingers.

Isak spread his legs farther, giving Even quite the view and more room to work. Even breathed out hard at the sight and put his fingers down to Isak’s rim right away, rubbing with an almost annoying tenderness. But Isak knew Even needed to be gentle right now. He needed to love Isak, not fuck him.

Isak knew this because he also needed it to be slow…to be gentle and beyond intimate. He wanted it to be about more than just getting off.

Even leaned down and kissed Isak just as he began to push in one finger, shocking Isak enough to moan eagerly. But Isak’s body accepted it easily and Isak lifted up his hips, signalling he was ready for Even to move; to push in deeper.

And Even did. He pushed and pushed, rocking his hand at just the right angle, sending pleasure sparking through Isak’s body, coiling hot in his stomach. Even kept kissing him, pushing in with his tongue as he scissored two fingers now inside Isak, rubbing his erection against Isak’s hip.

It was insanely amazing and Isak couldn’t help but stroke himself; his grip loose because he didn’t want to come yet.

It was another few minutes before Even stopped his movements and asked, almost _shyly,_ “Can I? Isak, can I?”

Isak nodded quickly, feeling overwhelmed as Even removed his fingers and tore open the condom wrapper that he’d also brought over from the nightstand. Isak watched as Even put the condom on himself, shivering at the sensation, and then he lined himself up; Isak still on his back.

“Wait,” Isak whispered, holding Even back with a hand on his stomach.

“What?”

“Take me…like this.” Isak said, turning around so he was on his stomach; hips propped up and his weight on his forearms. He pushed back until he caught the tip of Even’s dick with his rim and they both groaned. “I want to feel you deep.”

“Fuck, you’re going to kill me.”

Isak was going to start begging because his body was so fucking ready, but then he felt Even’s warm and huge hands on his hips, pulling him back and beginning to breach him a second later. Isak breathed in as the stretch burned slightly. He put his head down and tried to be still, tried to let Even enter him at his own pace.

The initial bit of pain subsided and Isak was back to being desperate by the time he felt Even bottom out, his tip practically stopped on Isak’s prostate. Isak grinded back against him and panted out the pleasure that was making his dick drip with want.

“ _Move.”_ Isak whispered. “Fuck, Even, _please.”_

Even obliged, holding Isak tightly as he thrust in and out; shallowly at first, but then it was like something broke inside Even and he suddenly started pounding into Isak. Isak nearly screamed at the intensity of it all, how far in Even could go at this angle, how deep and carnal it all felt. Isak felt his toes curl and he pushed his face into the bed to muffle some of the loud noises that were pouring out of his mouth.

Even didn’t seem to have any qualms about being loud though. He groaned openly and whispered almost inaudible things to Isak while also swearing. And when Even reached down and pulled Isak up by his shoulders until his back was pressed tightly to Even’s chest; until he was practically sitting on Even’s dick, Isak let out a sound he’d never heard himself make before, no longer giving a fuck who heard them.

Even turned Isak’s face until he could kiss Isak. They breathed into each other’s mouths, the angle wrong but still so good and Isak had never felt more loved before. He’d never been held like this. He’d never felt like this. He didn’t want it to fucking end but he was also dying with the need to come. He needed release.

As if sensing that, Even snuck a hand down and wrapped it around Isak’s shaft, stroking him fast and hard.

“Come for me, Isak. God, please, come. Need you to.”

Isak felt himself explode only seconds later, coating Even’s hand and his own stomach as he came, moaning loudly in the back of his throat. Even continued thrusting and stroking him and Isak was just finishing when he felt Even still behind him, his other hand clutching at Isak’s thigh. Even came hard into the condom, panting against the back of Isak’s neck.

They breathed together as they came back to themselves, not moving. Isak’s legs were burning and he wanted to collapse forward, but he also didn’t want to lose their connection just yet. He didn’t want Even to untangle himself from Isak.

“Love you, love you.” Isak babbled, moving his head to try and kiss Even who met him right away, a strong hand on Isak’s jaw.

“Me too.”

Eventually Even shifted and pulled out, getting up to take off the condom and grab something to clean them up with. He came back to the bed and wiped Isak’s stomach off; Isak rested on his back and just let Even do it. He stayed still and took in how lovingly Even touched him, how tenderly and slowly. And then Even lied back down, pulling Isak onto his chest.

The sunrise had turned the room a bright orange colour, muted by Isak’s closed curtains. Isak kissed Even’s warm chest and stroked along his ribs, knowing he was going to fall back asleep again soon.

“We’re going to be okay.” Even whispered into Isak’s ear, holding him tight. Isak could hear the tiredness in Even’s voice and he smiled fondly.

“I know.”

They fell asleep moments later as the birds began chirping outside the window, announcing the beginning of the day.

**

**ISAK NEEDS SOME SUGAR DADDIES**

[Eskild Tryggvason created this group]

Eskild: _Hello all! I am Isak’s roommate, if you did not know. We have a problem. Isak’s rent is up soon and he doesn’t have any cash._

Magnus: _HI ESKILD ;)_

Eskild: _Hey Magnus_

Mahdi: _We aren’t sugar daddies what the hell!_

Jonas: _HAHA sugar daddies_

Eskild: _We need to help our young, gay son and his rainbow_

Magnus: _Rainbow? Wait, do you mean Even?!_

Eskild: _Who else_

Magnus: _EVAK IS BACK TOGETHER WHAT A GLORIOUS DAY_

Eskild: _If all the moaning I heard last night was real and not a dream, then yes indeed they have made up :P_

Mahdi: _Gross :/_

Jonas: _TMI_

Eskild: _I lived through it, not you guys. Anyways back to our problem. Isak needs to stay here_

Jonas: _What about asking Even again?_

Eskild: _Our boy is too proud for such a thing_

Mahdi: _I mean, that’s good though. Even shouldn’t be an actual sugar daddy_

Eskild: _You sound wise, Mahdi. I like it_.

Magnus: _He keeps it real_

Jonas: _What do you suggest, Eskild?_

Eskild: _We have to raise some money and Isak probably needs to find a job, but I thought we could get him some money to hold him over for a bit_

Mahdi: _Raise money? We can’t exactly hold him a fucking bake sale_

Eskild: _Don’t underestimate me, Mahdi :P_

Magnus: _A bake sale?? For Isak??_

Eskild: _Noooo…it’s for the “underprivileged LGBT youth at Nissen.” I already set it up and got it approved at the community center. I made some posters_

Jonas: _WHAT_

Mahdi: _SERIOUSLY_

Magnus: _BRILLIANT!_

Eskild: _Thank you, Magnus_

Jonas: _For fuck sake, Eskild! That’s like…brilliant but kind of fucked up_

Eskild: _Relax, don’t get your panties in a twist. We’re just going to be selling some brownies and cupcakes and cookies. I need your cooking skills though, and some small donations as well :) Hence the group name. Can you all pitch in?_

Mahdi: _I am not made of money_

Magnus: _I can ask my mom!_

Jonas: _I’ll give him half my paycheck. I get it tomorrow_

Eskild: _Thanks boys! I’ll message you closer to the bake sale with further details. Maybe you can ask around for some more sugar daddies too?? Any other friends willing to donate to the cause? I’m sending you posters to print out as well. Spread the word!_

Magnus: _YOU ROCK ESKILED. I’m great at baking, actually._

Mahdi: _I will supervise_

Jonas: _I’ll get Isak an application to IKEA. We’re actually hiring._

Eskild: _Go forth my sons! Talk soon. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO_

**Eskild Tryggvason is offline.**

Magnus: _What a guy!_

Jonas: _Why didn’t we think of this…_

Mahdi: _We’re self centered and mostly talk about girls._

Magnus: _DID YOU SEE VILDE TODAY??_

Jonas: _Yeah bro, she’s hot_

Mahdi: _OH SHIT_

Magnus: _Jonas…you were looking?_

Jonas: _It’s a free country_

Magnus: _No looking at my girl!_

**Jonas Vasquez is offline**

Magnus: _FUCKING TYPICAL_

Mahdi: _She ain’t your girl, Mags. You have to actually say two words to her that aren’t “I’ll fuck you if you want.”_

Magnus: _THAT WAS ONE TIME_

**Mahdi Disi is offline**

Magnus: _AT LEAST I CAN BAKE COOKIES YOU FUCKS_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ummm... 
> 
> Eskild loves his baby roommate. Let's see how the bake sale goes. :) 
> 
> Comments always welcome and appreciated!


	23. Hakuna Matata

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are pot brownies and shenanigans and Isak is hella confused. <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kind of all over the place in terms of POV, but I think it flows well.   
> Sorry I've been kind of MIA life has been hectic. I'm hoping to post more soon. I have a few more chapters planned for this story, but yes we are nearing the end. <3

**Bake Sale Day**

“Why exactly are we doing this?” Isak asked, hand-in-hand with Even as they stood on the bus.

“We’re helping Eskild. Helping friends is a good thing, Isak.” Even smirked, leaning in and placing one single kiss on the tip of Isak’s nose.

“I need to be packing my stuff up. I have to leave tomorrow.”

The words snuck into Even’s ribs and exploded; the pain radiating throughout his chest. But he managed a small smile and gripped Isak’s hand tighter.

“I know, baby. But we’ll have time to do both.”

By the time they got to the proper address, the bake sale was in full swing. Isak and Even chuckled to themselves as they saw Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus wearing bright pink aprons and shuffled about putting trays upon trays out of baked goods. They all looked miserable, but as Isak and Even made their way inside they realized that a lot of people had shown up. Which meant lots of goods should be sold.

The entire front entrance of the community center, as well as the assembly room which was right down the main hallway, were filled with people. There were booths and tables set up with prices listed on large pieces of paper taped to the tables.

Eskild caught Isak’s eye as he turned around from instructing Jonas where to put a platter of cookies, and ran over to them excitedly. He greeted the two boys wearing an apron that said “Kiss the Cook” with a picture of a sculpted man’s body on the front.

“Boys! I’m so glad you made it!”

“Hey, Eskild.” Even said, reaching in for a one-armed hug. “How can we help?”

“You’re going to man the cupcake table! Over there.” Eskild pointed while handing out two aprons. Very _pink_ aprons.

“Ugh, _hell no.”_ Isak scoffed. “I am not wearing that, dude.”

“It helps people know who they give money to! Don’t be a downer, Isak. And take this money. It will be change for when people pay. Smile and be peppy!” Eskild instructed, patting Isak on the butt as they walked towards their table.

“This is torture.” Isak groaned, tying the apron around his waist as Even did the same.

“It won’t be so bad. I want to know what people think of my muffins!”

“Excuse me? Don’t you mean _our muffins,_ considering more than one person made them?” Isak said, hands on his hips.

Even snorted. “Fine, you win. _Our_ muffins. But you’re my muffin.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“Well, if anything else I’m sure they’ll love Magnus’s brownies.”

“Let’s hope we don’t get arrested for selling them.”

**

**2 days earlier**

“Can’t we just buy this shit at the store?” Mahdi sighed, sitting on the couch with his arms crossed in front of his chest.

“The point of a bake sale is that we bake stuff ourselves, dumbass!” Magnus shouted, looking highly offended.

“I don’t want to spend this whole day making cupcakes and cookies! I’m not a fucking housewife.” Mahdi complained.

“That’s a terrible generalization of housewives and the work they do and also kind of degrading to women. Get your ass over here, Mahdi.” Even quipped, raising his eyebrows as he waited for Mahdi to join the rest of them in the kitchen.

Mahdi rolled his eyes but stood up and came over to join them. “I’m only here for the girls.”

“When _are_ the girls coming, exactly?” Magnus asked, looking over to Isak. “Eva is bringing Vilde right? You fucking promised!”

“ _Yes,_ Magnus. For the fucking thousandth time. She is bringing Vilde and Sana and they should be here any minute.”

“Sweet.” Magnus smiled.

“I don’t know why you’re so excited. They aren’t coming over to fuck you guys. They’re coming over to make cookies and eat pizza.” Isak said, shaking his head. “Because they are good friends and can think about something other than sex for five minutes.”

Mahdi, Jonas and Magnus all looked taken aback and Jonas even clutched his chest as if Isak had hit him.

“You wound us, Isak. How will we recover from such a statement? Our friendship is utterly ruined.” Jonas wailed, fainting back against Mahdi who stumbled to catch him.

“Dude!” Mahdi snapped, pushing Jonas away.

“It will just be nice to look at Vilde, you know? Don’t you like looking at Even all day?” Magnus asked, gesturing over to where Even stood reading a recipe on how to make the world’s most amazing blueberry muffins.

Isak blushed at the comment as he caught Even’s gaze.

“Um, yes. But…”

“So, you should understand.” Magnus smiled.

As if on cue, the doorbell rang and Magnus nearly fell on his face trying to jump up to go and answer it. Mahdi was right on his heels and Isak heard them both loudly call out a welcome to who he presumed was the girls.

Isak walked over to Even and buried his face against Even’s chest. The older boy chuckled and wrapped his arms around Isak. “What’s up baby?”

“I’m not going to survive this.” Isak muttered.

“Oh, come on. I’m excited to meet more of your friends. I didn’t know you knew anyone else besides Magnus, Jonas and Mahdi.” Even teased.

“Pff. Says the dude who literally has one friend he talks to on a regular basis.”

“I talk to more people than Mikael!”

“Mhmm…sure you do.” Isak quipped, kissing the side of Even’s neck before he turned back around and went to greet Vilde, Eva and Sana.

But Eva quickly put her arm through Isak’s and steered him off down the hallway before he could even attempt an introduction, shaking her head in an amused way.

“Will you _please_ tell Magnus to lay off Vilde? The poor girl is traumatized.”

“Hi to you too, Eva.” Isak muttered.

“Also, a _boyfriend?”_ Eva squealed in a hushed whisper. “Isak, I’m so proud of you!”

“Eva, what the hell?”

“I just mean…” She sighed, pondering. “I’m glad you’re happy. I just wish you’d told me and I didn’t have to find out through Jonas.”

Isak felt a twinge of guilt for his lack of contact with Eva recently, but after the events of last year things had gotten awkward. Trying to break up his best friend and his best friend’s girlfriend because Isak had a ginormous crush on Jonas was kind of a massive strain on his relationship with Eva. She acted like things were fine, but Isak knew they weren’t one hundred percent okay still for a while. And then when he’d been in the hospital, he’d ignored her phone calls and texts; not because he didn’t want to see her but because his head had been too clouded to even hold a simple conversation.

“I’m sorry.” Isak said genuinely. “Things have been…well, you know. Crazy.”

Eva pulled him against her in the next moment and he felt her nod against his back. “I know, Iss. I’m here for you though, okay? I still love you.”

Isak chuckled. “Me too.”

“Isak! Get your ass in here!” A loud, very shrill and very female voice hollered from the kitchen. Isak pulled away, eyebrows raised, and looked at a giggling Eva.

“Vilde?”

“Probably.”

They walked back into the kitchen and Isak saw that Vilde was practically hanging off of Even, pushing her boobs into his side as she ran a hand through his hair. Isak’s eyebrows raised even further, if possible, and Even’s cheeks turned red when he saw Isak.

“This…” Vilde gestured wildly as she saw Isak. “This is _yours?!”_

It took Isak a second to register that Vilde meant Even; Even was his. Everyone turned to look at Isak and his eyes widened, looking like a deer in headlights.

“Shut the hell up, Vilde. Are we here to make cupcakes or gawk over obscenely tall giraffe-looking white boys?” Sana interrupted, walking up to Isak with a smirk on her face. “Hi, by the way. You’re a horrible host.”

“I was stolen away by Eva!”

“Giraffe-looking? Sana, have you _seen_ this boy?” Magnus shrieked.

Sana rolled her eyes, still turned towards Isak with her back to Magnus. “I have eyes, you fool. Now what the fuck is the plan? I don’t have all day.”

Isak couldn’t help but burst out laughing as everyone began to try to lead the baking party. Eva suggested starting with cookies. Sana wanted cupcakes. Even was insisting upon his blueberry muffins and Mahdi just went back to the couch and sat down. Jonas smiled along with Isak, and Vilde’s breathy, high-pitched voice got lost in the commotion of Magnus basically trying to tell her she had a nice rack.

“Holy fuck, enough!” Isak eventually yelled, gaining a much-needed silence amongst the group. Everyone’s eyes turned to him.

“Okay! Firstly, Even, I would like you to meet Vilde, Sana and Eva.” Isak began, gesturing to each of the girls. “They’re awesome. Secondly, we are going to start with muffins because I’m partial to Even and that’s the way it is because this is my apartment. Thirdly, all the supplies are on the counter or in the fridge and I printed out the recipes. Lastly, yes Even _is_ mine – my giraffe-looking boyfriend who I love and is amazing and nobody else needs to say anything! Okay? _Okay.”_

The silence stretched on for another moment before Eva nodded and shouted, “To the muffins – away!”

**

The rest of the day passed with a permanent smell of sugar wafting throughout the apartment. There were arguments about who got to play music and which playlist on 8 Tracks was the best. There were karaoke parties during the grace periods when something was baking in the oven. Songs such as ‘Hit Me Baby One More Time’ were sung when Eskild finally got home from work, and ‘Hakuna Matata’ when Vilde got to choose.

There were burnt muffins and too-doughy cookies. There was Mahdi complaining but also stealing a bite or two of everything being made, telling everyone it was for his research purposes since he was the over-seer. There were two batches made of weed brownies because Magnus had spent all last night making the pot-oil they needed so it wouldn’t stink up Isak’s apartment and he’d spent a good ten minutes telling everyone about how he’d gotten high on just the fumes alone.

The apartment stunk like weed anyway, but it didn’t overpower the sugar-sweet smell.

There were stolen kisses between Isak and Even when Even wasn’t being bombarded with questions about Isak and how they met. Or when he wasn’t being glared at by Sana, who thought he was annoying simply because he seemed to distract everyone.

Isak ordered pizza as dinnertime approached and there were further arguments about what was a decent pizza topping. Turned out that pineapple was not a favourite of most but beloved by Even. So Isak ordered pizza with pineapple and picked it off dutifully before shoving three slices down his throat in less than fifteen minutes.

Eskild was giving beauty and boy advice to Vilde, who kept shooting glances at Magnus whenever anything sexual was mentioned. Jonas and Mahdi seemed to think this was hilarious and when Isak wasn’t paying attention he heard random meowing sounds. Turns out Even told Magnus to ‘take desperate to a whole new level’ and tell Vilde just how much he loves pussy…cats.

The night ended with everyone flopped on the couch or the floor, munching on chips and cereal straight out of the box because mostly everyone had had a brownie (the match not meant to be sold) and everyone was slightly high, and hungry, and Isak nearly fell asleep on Even’s chest because there was a movie on he couldn’t follow and he was warm wrapped up in the blanket and Isak knew he would have to move out soon but he had this right now and life was _good._

All together they had made fifty-five blueberry muffins, 80 chocolate chip cookies, 25 pot brownies and 25 normal brownies, 75 cupcakes (mostly vanilla) and some kind of coconut ball thing that Isak couldn’t remember the name of. Eskild couldn’t stop saying how much money he was going to get from all their creations, as well as all the baked goods he had his other friends make.

“I hope your underprivileged gay youth appreciate our efforts.” Isak said, smiling over at Eskild who was sitting beside Isak.

Eskild’s expression softened and he reached out to ruffle Isak’s hair. “I’m sure they will.”

**

Isak was just drifting off against Even when he heard Eva say, rather obnoxiously loud, “Where are Magnus and Vilde?!”

**

**Bake Sale Day**

Isak was admittedly surprised that his boy squad as well as Eva, Vilde and Sana all showed up to the actual bake sale to help sell the stuff they’d made. Sana and Vilde were at the table across from Isak and Even selling cookies, while Eva and Magnus were selling the brownies and what looked like donuts that someone else brought. Jonas and Mahdi were at the muffin table, and Even kept glancing over to see if his muffins were selling, which they were. Even gave a thumbs up to Mahdi and Jonas every time he saw someone buy a blueberry muffin, to which Jonas would flip him off in return. Mahdi just glared at them both.

The bake sale had only been going on for about an hour when Isak realized that mostly everything was already gone, especially their cupcakes.

“Holy fucking shit! People love cupcakes.” Isak commented. He could hardly keep track of how many they had sold, but he knew both his and Even’s pockets were bursting with money. Even beamed at him as they watched their recent customers walk off, holding four cupcakes between the two of them.

“Eskild over-priced the hell out of these, but I guess it’s worth it since they’re all made with love.”

“Love? I did not make these with love. I made these out of obligation.” Isak snorted.

A boy with messy, black hair approached their table and Isak noticed Even break out into a shit-eating grin. The boy smiled back and reached across the table to shake hands with Even.

“Hey, bro! Nice turn out!” The boy said, looking down at the cupcakes.

“I know right! Thanks for coming.” Even said.

“No problem. I sampled some of the brownies over there. They tasted super, ugh…green.” The boy winked and that earned him an Even belly-laugh (which was maybe, possibly, _completely_ one of Isak’s favourite things.)

“Oh, Mikael, I wanted you to meet Isak.” Even said, reaching over and pulling Isak against his side, caressing his hip in a horrendously (amazing) familiar gesture.

Isak extended his hand, happy to finally meet Even’s best friend. The two boys shook hands and Mikael smiled.

“Nice to finally meet the famous Isak!”

Isak laughed. “Nice to meet the famous, awesome and all-around good guy, Mikael.”

Even and Mikael laughed together at Isak’s statement. “I like him.” Mikael winked.

Isak was just about to ask Mikael if he wanted to buy a cupcake when he heard a loud shout from across the hall. He looked behind Mikael and saw Vilde trying to pick up the box of cookies that Magnus had apparently dropped on the floor. Sana stood behind their booth, arms crossed in front of her chest, shaking her head.

“You absolute _idiot!”_ Vilde screeched.

Magnus knelt down to help Vilde try and save the cookies, but she pushed his hands away and scooped them up herself. “I don’t need your help, Magnus. Go back to your own table where you belong!”

Magnus bit his bottom lip and stood up, looking dejected. He walked back to his table where Eva was standing and she gave him a sympathetic look. Even looked at Isak and shrugged, which pretty much summed up Magnus as a person. Who the fuck knew.

“Dude’s clumsy, eh?” Mikael asked.

“You have no idea.” Isak replied.

“I guess their little fling is over.”

“I guess so.”

“Wait, that guy and the blonde girl had a thing?” Mikael scoffed. “She’s way too pretty for him.”

“She’s a spaz.” Isak blurted out. “So they’re actually kind of perfect for each other.”

“I’m glad he took my advice.” Even said, turning his attention to a customer who had just approached their table.

Isak shook his head and asked Mikael if he wanted a cupcake.

“Of course. I’m sampling one of each! All for a good cause, right?” Mikael winked, handing Isak the money.

“You bet.”

**

“Friends! Listen up please!”

Eskild had gathered everyone together after the bake sale was over and Isak sensed a speech was coming. He linked hands with Even, resting his head on Even’s shoulder as everyone quieted down to listen to Eskild.

“Thank you to everyone who baked the cookies, and muffins and donuts and _everything_ that was sold today. And thank you to all who also came out to help support my wonderful, although very last minute, cause! It is something very near and dear to my heart, and the fact that you all came here today to help means a lot to me! I am hoping you’ll come and join me tonight at my apartment for a celebratory party! Bring your spouses and friends and alcohol!”

Everyone clapped. Jonas whistled and Magnus whooped loudly and Isak couldn’t help but smile, even though he had absolutely no energy for a party. He barely had enough energy to pack up the rest of his stuff, but he tried to push that thought into the back of his mind.

Even, always sensing Isak’s distress, pulled him into a deep kiss and rubbed the side of his face. “It’ll be fine, baby.”

“I know. I just…I don’t want all this to be over. I wish I could stay in my place. I’m actually going to miss Eskild.” Isak chuckled.

A worried, torn expression crossed Even’s face and Isak tried to kiss it away. He didn’t want to hear Even’s speech again, the one about him offering to give Isak more money for rent because he actually had lots of money left in his trust fund. Dr. Big-Nose had exaggerated the details of Even’s money situation in order to make Isak’s father feel bad and hate Even more, and would Isak just accept the money because Even couldn’t stand the idea of Isak going back to his father’s house and on and on it had gone the previous night.

But Isak refused. He couldn’t go back to the way things were. He wanted Even; a relationship with him, but he couldn’t have Even paying for everything like before. It couldn’t work that way. Things needed to be different.

“Let’s go.” Isak mumbled, placing a final kiss on Even’s lips. Thankfully Even didn’t press the issue and he simply walked with Isak behind everyone towards the front doors.

**

Even: _Coming to the party tonight?_

Mikael: _There’s a party??_

Even: _Yeah, at Isak’s_

Mikael: _Sweeeeet I’m there. You have alcohol?_

Even: _BYOB_

Mikael: _LAME_

Even: _See you soon <3_

Mikael: _Fuck you <3_

**

“Isak, you will NOT be packing anything tonight. Come here and party with us!” Eskild demanded, dragging Isak back from the hallway where he had been attempting to sneak away to organize his belongings.

“ _Eskild!”_ Isak shrieked, surprised by Eskild’s strength as he manhandled Isak back into the kitchen.

“Don’t mess with me!”

The loud music – fucking _I’m a Slave 4 U_ by Britney Spears – pounded through the floorboards and Isak could hardly hear himself think, but he managed a glare at Eskild who smiled smugly and handed him a beer.

“Enjoy yourself!” Eskild hollered, to which Isak’s responded by flipping him off.

Isak really needed to at least pack his clothes or else he could forget about sleeping tonight. He was literally moving at 8 in the morning tomorrow and he couldn’t be unprepared. Jonas’s mother and her moving friends weren’t going to take kindly to Isak having nothing ready to move. He decided he would wait another hour and then he’d have to go and start putting his shit in suitcases and boxes. He’d been delaying this for way too long as it was.

Isak leaned back against the counter in the kitchen near the sink, taking in the people around him. Magnus and Vilde were attached at the mouth, slobbering all over each other in their drunken states. Isak assumed they had made up and Vilde had forgiven him for the cookie disaster earlier. Sana was scolding Eva about something. The words ‘Chris’ and ‘fuckboy’ were heard so Isak could only imagine what they were discussing.

Even was playing FIFA with Linn on their shared TV, laughing openly and beautifully and Isak smiled to himself. He loved seeing Even laugh, it was going to become a problem. Mikael had come over too and was currently playing some kind of drinking game with Jonas and Mahdi, who were looking rather tipsy.

It hit Isak square in the gut that this was his last night here. He wouldn’t get to come back. He had to start all over again. But even though it would hurt, and it would be hard, somewhere deep down Isak knew he could handle it. It wasn’t the end of the world, and even if he had to spend some time back at his father’s house after he’d worn out his welcome at Jonas’s house, he would survive. He’d survive until he could save up some money and leave again.

He was waiting to hear back about his application to IKEA, so that was promising.

“You’re thinking too loud.” A voice said beside him and Isak turned around. He saw Sana smirking as she approached.

“Are you sure? I’m surprised you can hear anything at all over this shit music.” Isak scoffed, raising his voice to be heard.

“Yeah, your thoughts are definitely louder than Britney fucking Spears. Stop angsting.” Sana yelled, shoving Isak’s shoulder.

“Stop your sassing!”

“Never. Have you met me?” Sana quipped.

“I can angst for a second, fuck. I’m allowed.” Isak sighed, downing the rest of his beer.

“Nope, you can’t. This is all for you after all, you dumb fuck.”

Isak frowned at that, dumbstruck. “Ugh, _what?”_

Sana sighed and dramatically and was then suddenly waving over at Eskild. His eyes went wide but then he smiled and practically hopped over to the stereo to turn off the music.

“You’re about to find out.” Sana said, walking into the living room and Isak followed because what the actual fucking shit.

“Everyone! Listen up! Magnus get your lips off that girl for one fucking second, damn!” Eskild shouted, shaking his head with his hands on his hips.

Magnus and Vilde broke apart, blushing furiously under everyone’s stares.

“Isak, come here!” Eskild continued, reaching a hand out.

Even stood up from where he had been sitting, an equally stunned look on his face. Isak shrugged at Even, showing that he didn’t know what was up either, and walked to stand beside Eskild.

“What are you doing?” Isak whispered, not entirely great with everyone staring at him.

“My dear Isak. On behalf of all of us – who I fondly refer to as your _sugar daddies –_ we present to you…” Eskild said, mimicking a drum roll while lifting up a heavy-looking bag. “Your rent money for this month, plus some extra.”

Eskild handed the bag, of _money_ , to Isak and Isak flailed to catch it. Everyone began to clap and shout and Isak had never been more confused in his entire life.

“What?!”

Eskild pulled Isak in by his neck and kissed his cheek. “The bake sale, Isak. It was for you. _You’re_ our underprivileged LGBT youth at Nissen.”

Jonas, Mahdi, and Magnus rushed up to Isak and hugged him, patting him on the back and smiling at him. But Isak couldn’t return any of their affection because his brain had apparently shut down. The bake sale…for him…rent money…fucking what?

“Eskild, seriously?”

That was Even’s voice. Isak looked up from the bag of money and looked at his boyfriend, who was smiling and pulling Eskild into a hug.

“We couldn’t tell you, Even. We didn’t want you to spoil the surprise.” Eskild muttered.

“Wait…wait a fucking minute.” Isak all but yelled, shaking his head. The room fell silent and once again Isak flushed under the attention.

“You…had all of the cookies and muffins and donuts and cupcakes made…and sold…for me? So that I can have rent money and stay? And you got all these people together to…help? _Me?”_ Isak’s voice was soft now and Even smiled proudly at Isak and Isak didn’t not know when he’d suddenly fallen asleep because clearly he was dreaming.

“I wasn’t about to let you go back to your father’s house, Isak.” Eskild said. “So yes, I got everyone together. And they all wanted to help.”

“Isak, this means you’re staying.” Even gasped out, practically tearing up.

“It’s only a month’s rent, but you should get the job at IKEA and then things will be right as rain! Now, back to the party!” Eskild yelled to everyone, turning the music back on.

And just like that, Eskild pranced away leaving Isak breathless.

And fucking _shook._

“Thank you.” Isak whispered to no-one and _everyone_ in particular.

**

Various people were passed out in the living room and kitchen and Eskild’s room. Isak was in his bed wrapped around a sleeping Even and he couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t sleep because he was happy and he couldn’t stop being happy. He couldn’t stop seeing his friend’s smiling faces or feeling their hugs or pats on the back and the way they all looked at him with such love.

He couldn’t sleep because he was scared this was a dream.

But somewhere deep in his heart, he knew it was real. He knew how loved he was and eventually he drifted off to a sound sleep.


	24. Dust in the Wind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even POV first.  
> A bit more of Even's past & his issues with his own parents come into light because I felt it was necessary after everything that happened with Isak and Even's relationship.

Even kissed Isak’s sweet mouth where the lingering taste of syrup stuck, promising to text Isak when he got home. Isak looked so fucking happy and content and Even loved every second of it. He loved how much people loved Isak. Isak deserved to be loved; Even had said that all along.

As soon as Even was on the bus, he took his phone out and re-read the message he had gotten last night; as he’d been wrapped up in his boyfriend’s warmth and softness and sappy as hell love.

He couldn’t help but smile at the memory, missing Isak already. Which was stupid because they had barely been apart since they’d gotten back together properly. Even could practically hear Mikael in his head, mocking Even for being the personification of a chick-flick.

Even shook his head, trying to focus.

Mamma (02:12): _Even, why won’t you speak to me? Why are you ignoring this family? After everything we have done for you I cannot accept this. Your father is going out of his mind with worry. Call me. I’m not sleeping because of you. Let me know you’re okay._

Even rolled his eyes at his mother’s dramatics. She couldn’t sleep? She didn’t understand what it was like to not be able to sleep. She slept perfectly fine. She had been staying up into the wee hours of the morning since Even was a child, organizing her various patient files and doing God knows what else.

She didn’t care enough to lose sleep over her son, and neither did Even’s ‘father’ as she always referred to him. He wasn’t Even’s fucking father.

He hadn’t spoken to his parents, especially his father, since his episode and everything that had happened with Isak. He’d gone home the next day, back to his apartment, and hadn’t answered their text messages or calls. He didn’t fucking have to. They didn’t have any right to demand things of him.

He chose not to answer. He chose to put his headphones in his ears and blast some Nas music, pushing away the guilt that had attached itself to his bones his entire life; the guilt that screamed at him _you’re a bad son_ and _they’d love you if you were normal._

Unfortunately, Even wasn’t lucky and when he reached his apartment he was greeted by his parents sitting in his kitchen. He startled as he saw them, anger flaring up inside his chest.

“What the _fuck?”_ Even shouted.

“Language, Even.” His mother snapped, standing up and walking over to him. “I’m glad to see you’re all right. Why haven’t you been returning my calls?”

“ _Why_ are you in my apartment? Get out!”

“Don’t speak to your mother that way, Even. You know very well why we’re here. We have a key. That was a stipulation when you moved out.” His step-father said calmly, his voice irritating Even almost instantly. He hadn’t missed hearing this man speak every fucking week. Changing therapists had been the best decision he’d ever made.

“I’m fine. And I want that key back right now. I’m a fucking adult. I don’t need you checking up on me like I’m an infant.” Even said, stalking towards his bedroom. He needed some fucking space or he knew he was going to snap.

His mother followed him, her heels clicking on his hardwood floors.

“Even, why aren’t you speaking to us? Are you manic?” She asked, that annoyingly worried tone seeping into her words.

“No, Mom! I’m actually doing great, thanks for asking. Now leave.” Even said, throwing his backpack on the floor and taking his jacket off.

His mother stood in the doorway, watching him with a frown on her face. Even stared right back, opening up his arms in a mock-hug; a challenge. He was daring her judgement, willing it out of her because he knew it was coming.

His step-father appeared behind his mother and glared at him.

“I owe you nothing! I’m on my own. I live here with my own money. I do what I want. And despite your efforts to keep the boy I love away from me, he’s still a huge part of my life. I’m happy. I’m seeing a new therapist. I’m _good._ Why are you trying to ruin this?” Even asked, keeping his voice as calm as possible.

“The only reason you have money is because our family had a trust fund set up for you! You should never have been allowed to have complete control of it, especially considering your condition. God knows how much money you’ve spent on that… _toy_ of yours.” His step-father cursed, shaking his head.

Even’s mother looked down at the floor, flushing at her husband’s words.

“Is it still the bisexual thing that bothers you, _father?”_ Even spat out the word ‘father’ like it was a deadly poison.

“No!” His mother answered for him. “Even, we’re not bigots.”

“No, you’re just suffocating control freaks.”

“Even, for fuck’s sake! We’re _worried_ about you. It isn’t normal to not talk to your own family! You act as if you’ve done nothing wrong here. Your episodes are concerning. Living on your own probably isn’t a good thing. Dating someone like Isak probably isn’t a good thing, especially for him. You know your dating history. It’s a goddamn war-zone and all you’ve left behind are corpses.” His step-father implored, the vein in his forehead bulging.

Even couldn’t help but laugh.

“You and your fucking metaphors!” He shouted, throwing his hands up into the air. “In case you didn’t know, which clearly you fucking don’t, _this_ isn’t how you show someone that you’re concerned. Coming into their home uninvited and judging all of their life choices and bringing up all past mistakes doesn’t exactly inspire me to believe that you care. It sounds like you’re trying to tell me you know me better than I know myself. And you know nothing!”

“Even…”

“No, you don’t know anything! You have no concept of how much I love Isak; what we have been through and what we feel and what kind of love I have in my heart for him. Yes, I fucked up with other people. Yes, I didn’t know how to commit and I ruined my longest relationship by cheating on her. But I am not that person anymore. I grew up! I tried to be better, and I _am_ better! You of all people should know that I will likely have episodes my entire life. I will be manic sometimes. But that doesn’t mean I don’t know my own mind. It doesn’t mean I am out of control and can’t do things on my own. I want you both to understand that I am living my life, and you can’t have me under your thumb anymore. Let me fucking _go_!”

Even’s chest heaved as he stopped talking and he could feel sweat bead across his forehead and on his lower back. His heart was pounding in his neck and he felt kind of faint but he stood his ground; even though the room had fallen deadly silent.

“You’re my only child, Even.” His mother said at last, her voice a whisper. “And what you went through years ago…I can’t lose you again.”

Even withheld the gasp that wanted to escape his lips. His mother sounded like she actually cared. She was bringing up something that was never talked about within their family…when Even had come home from the hospital in which he had been committed by his step-father. They had all just carried on like it never happened, even when Even had screamed at the top of his lungs. Even never felt listened to or valued or taken seriously after that. He didn’t trust them anymore because they never let him talk about it, even during therapy. It was always talked about in subtle ways or through metaphors or through analogies that involved other patients.

But like his mother said, it happened years ago. It was too late to gain that trust back. It was too late to heal those wounds. The chance for that had dwindled to dust and blown away long ago.

“If you want to show me you care,” Even began, steeling himself. “You have to treat me like an adult. You have to give me room to breathe without you. You have to wait and let me initiate us getting together. I need _time._ ”

“You can’t just cut out your parents, Even! We’re always going to be your parents.” His step-father said, that anger still evident on his face.

“You’re always going to be the person responsible for me being alive, true.” Even said, addressing his mother specifically. “But in terms of being my parents…my _family…_ we’ll have to see. Family means more than blood. It means more than biologics and marriage licenses. Family is more than that, and right now…you’re not my family.”

Even saw his mother’s eyes glisten and she wiped hastily at the tears that fell down her cheeks, not wanting anyone to see. Even refused to feel bad. He refused.

“You’re making a mistake.” His step-father said, touching his wife’s shoulders. “Let’s go, honey.”

“Leave the key.”

“Even, what if we have to come and save you…or what if…”

“I won’t live my life with ‘what ifs’ dictating my decisions. I don’t _need_ your help. Leave the key.” Even said slowly.

His step-father sighed and pulled out his keys from his pocket, taking the ones to Even’s apartment off and throwing them on the floor at Even’s feet.

“Goodbye.” Even whispered, unable to think of anything else to say.

His parents said nothing. They simply turned around and walked out, slamming the front door behind them. Even took in three shaky breaths before he sat down on his floor and buried his face in his hands.

He couldn’t believe he’d said the things he’d wanted to say for years to the people who he had been so scared of for most of his life. He couldn’t believe he cut ties and put the power back in his own hands. He couldn’t believe he was…free.

**

Isak’s feet were fucking killing him and he needed coffee and he wanted a hug and everything was just _miserable._

And it was only the third hour of his first shift at IKEA.

Jonas (17:45): _Dude, I told you this store is big. You need better shoes_

Isak (17:46): _I need a new job_

Jonas (17:47): _Whiney pants. STFU and get back to work. Don’t get caught texting, they’ll fucking kill you_

Isak (17:47): _Maybe I want to die anyway. Better than standing here telling more people where the fucking candle holders are. Who the actual fuck needs a candle holder_

Jonas (17:48): _BYE WHINEY PANTS_

Isak rolled his eyes and put his phone back into his pocket. He wished Jonas worked in the same department as him but he’d been saddled with living room and Jonas was all the way in bathrooms.

It really wasn’t so bad. He mostly just had to walk around and answer questions, straighten out displays and look busy. He was surprised that he remembered so much about the merchandise considering he’d fallen asleep during his training shifts. But he’d been successfully answering questions during the first three hours and it was almost break time. But yeah, he needed to invest in some ugly, comfortable shoes if he was going to survive working here.

And he couldn’t help but feel grateful he had a job because this meant he could pay his own way and stay in his apartment, not relying on his father or Even. Being independent felt fucking nice.

So he sucked it up and got on with his shift. He was excited because he got to see Even afterwards, which quickly became his motivation to stop whining.

“Um, excuse me young man, where are the throw pillows?” An elderly woman asked, grinning toothlessly at Isak.

Isak couldn’t help but burst out laughing as he showed the woman where to go.

_Fucking throw pillows._  

**

Isak was sweeping near the cash registers as the last few customers were asked politely as possible to bring their final purchases up to the front. Even had said in his last text that he was outside and ready to kiss the life out of Isak as soon as Isak was done, which was making Isak eagerly sweep up all the garbage in sight.

When his manager finally said he was allowed to leave, Isak ran to the employee change rooms and quickly pulled his hoodie and jacket over his IKEA shirt. He grabbed his backpack and snapback and basically galloped to the front, happy to be free.

But just as Isak was heading out the automatic doors, he felt a hand on his shoulder stop him. He turned around, grin on his face, expecting to see Even.

But it wasn’t Even at all.

“Hey, Isak.”

Isak squared his shoulders, trying not to let on that all the air had rushed out of his lungs. He tried his hardest to compose himself.

“Dad.” Isak nearly choked.

“We need to talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments always welcome and appreciated :)   
> I will update again as soon as I can <3


	25. Being You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Isak's father wins asshole of the year award.
> 
> **Warning for violence in this chapter**

Even was waiting outside IKEA, freezing his ass off but excited to see Isak. He was fiddling around on his phone, sending Isak random snapchats and various emojis; saying how much he couldn’t wait to kiss Isak.

Isak’s manager was an asshole because he was making Isak stay a bit later to clean up and Even kind of hated the man. Isak needed to be in Even’s arms right the hell now.

Even was sitting on a bench outside of the main doors, figuring Isak would come out this way, when his phone suddenly rang. He stood up to answer, smirking.

“Hey, Mikael.”

“I banged this girl and it was _awesome!”_

Even chuckled, walking a little ways down from the bench; his back to the main entrance now as he strolled. He imagined he had a bit more time to kill.

“Congrats.”

“Thanks! So, what’s up? Why are you sending me six million snap chats?”

“I’m bored and waiting for Isak to finish work.” Even admitted.

“Ah. Waiting for us poor souls who actually have to slave away to earn our bread and butter must really suck for the aristocracy like yourself.” Mikael said in a horrible British accent. Even cracked up.

“The hell? _I’m_ the aristocracy?”

“Because you’re made of money!”

“Not exactly, dude.”

“You are rich and you fucking know it, bro. Be proud. I wish I had a nice trust fund I could sit on and keep warm.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“Anyway! How are things going with you and lover-boy?”

Even sighed happily. “Awesome.”

“Good. I’m glad. We’re both getting laid. Isak can get us discounts on weirdly named furniture and meat balls. Life is sweet.”

Even fucking adored his best friend, and he was just about to tell him that very thing, when he heard a shout from behind him. He turned around slowly, not sure what to expect, and then he saw Isak being pinned to the wall by a man.

“Even? You still there?”

Even could barely hear Mikael over the adrenaline that was rushing through his body, clogging his ears with the sound of his hammering heart. His breath was coming unevenly and his palms were sweating despite the cold.

“Even!”

“Mikael, tell me not to murder him.” Even whispered, a deadliness to his tone he’d never heard from himself before.

“What? Dude, the fuck is going on?”

Even’s feet were carrying him now. All he could see was red. The man was holding Isak’s throat, cutting off his airway. Isak looked so fucking terrified.

“I’m going to kill him.”

“Even, _what_?! Don’t do anything stupid!” Mikael shouted, but it was too late.

Even dropped his phone onto the ground and turned his hands into fists.

**

**10 minutes earlier**

**“** Isak…” His father began, hand still on his son’s shoulder.

Isak flinched violently and shrugged his father off, putting a good foot between them. He took two deep breaths before he asked, “What are you doing here?”

His father looked Isak up and down, seeming to ignore Isak’s question. Isak hated the look on his father’s face. It was smug; like he knew everything. Like he could see through Isak. Like he knew Isak would crumble.

“It’s a free country, Isak. A man is allowed to buy a new desk.” His father motioned to the cart beside him, and there was in fact a desk in an IKEA box there. So maybe this was pure coincidence, but seeing his father here still sent shivers down Isak’s back.

“Whatever.” Isak snapped, turning around. He needed to find Even. He didn’t have to speak to his father. He didn’t have to…

“Don’t walk away from me.”

The hand was back on Isak’s shoulder but this time it gripped harder and Isak let out a small noise of pain just as he felt the cold night air hit his face. He’d made it out the front doors of IKEA, but his father was preventing him from going further.

Isak was spun around in the next second and then he was facing the man he’d come to hate, two hands on his shoulders now. Isak looked his father in the eye and was about to yank himself away but his father suddenly shook him.

“I just want to talk, Isak! God, you’re so fucking selfish!”

“Let go of me!” Isak demanded, turning his body and reaching up to shove his father off. But his father was stronger than Isak anticipated.

“You think you can abandon your family? You think you can cut me and your mother out like we’re nothing! We brought you into this world. You should show us some respect!”

Isak couldn’t help but helplessly laugh, shakily breathing out at the feel of the pain radiating across his collar bone.

“You don’t fucking _deserve_ respect! Respect is fucking earned!”

“Goddamnit!”

Isak was being pulled now and next thing he knew his back hit the brick wall and his father was up in his face even more. His hands were going for Isak’s throat and Isak realized suddenly he was alone. All other customers had left – his father had been last to pay, it seemed. Jonas had gotten off his shift hours ago and the store was closed, most other employees gone. Isak couldn’t tell if Even was nearby. Maybe he thought Isak was going to come out of the back entrance.

Maybe Even was at the wrong door. Fuck.  

“You and your fucking little mouth.” His father spat, his eyes searching Isak’s face and looking disgusted. Isak swallowed down his fear, not recognizing the man in front of him.

How had it come to this?

“Dad, get off of me!” Isak screamed, hoping someone would hear him; hoping someone would come and help. Isak _couldn’t_ move. He couldn’t get the upper hand.

“I can’t believe you’d leave her. I can’t believe you’d walk away.” His father snarled, slowly cutting off Isak’s airway with his right hand; the other holding Isak against the wall. “She needs you.”

Isak felt tears of anger slide down his cheeks as he shook his head. “She needed you too. Where…” Isak gulped in a precious breath. “Where…the fuck…were you? Huh?”

His father shoved him harder now and Isak saw stars behind his eyelids. The world was going a bit dark.

And then…

“ _Get. Your. Hands. Off. Him_.”

Isak’s eyes came back into focus just in time to see his father being thrown to the ground by Even. His father’s head hit the concrete with a deafening thud and he didn’t have time to recover before Even was kicking him hard in the ribs.

His father spat out blood after the third kick, putting his hands up and trying to defend himself. But Even was quicker. He twisted his father’s hands behind his back, shoving him down with his foot, keeping him still.

“You think you can put hands on him? Is that what you think?” Even all but screamed, leaning into Isak’s father with all his weight.

Isak could swear he heard something crunch. Somewhere in his father’s body a bone just broke.

Isak couldn’t move. Why couldn’t he move from where he was against the wall?

“How _dare_ you? How dare you treat him like this?”

“Even…” Isak tried, but the word was inaudible. His throat was too dry.

Even kicked Isak’s father again, this time in his face. The concrete was becoming bloodier by the second where his father was lying and Isak could feel himself panicking now. He had to stop this.

“Even. Please.” Isak tried again, practically pushing himself away from the wall in order to start himself moving.

He put his arms out to try and touch Even; wanting to stop this. Even’s hands were turning red and bruised with the force of his hits and Isak didn’t want Even to hurt himself over this man. He didn’t deserve Even’s time, and Even didn’t deserve to go to jail for beating him up.

But just as Isak’s hands made contact with Even’s shoulder, Even pulled his arm up. His fist was clenched, about to bring it down onto Isak’s father again but before he could the movement caused him to accidently hit Isak in his nose with his elbow.  

Fucking _hard._

Isak let out a pained sound before bringing his hands up to his face and catching the blood that had begun to fall out of his nostrils. The world was once again going dark and Isak’s head began violently throbbing.

“Fuck! Isak! I’m so sorry!” Even wailed, wrapping Isak in his arms and holding him.

Isak didn’t miss that they were both trembling. Even was shaking like a leaf, and Isak also saw that Even was seconds away from crying so he moved his hands and brought them up so he could hug back; bringing their bodies closer.

“I’m fine. I’m _fine_. Let’s just go.” Isak pleaded, glancing back at his father who was still on the ground, looking to be catching his breath.

“Oh God, I lost it. I couldn’t handle seeing him do that to you. _Shit._ I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Breathe, Even. Grab your phone and let’s go.” Isak said, pointing over to where Even’s phone was lying close to his father.

“I’m calling…the fucking police!” Isak’s father shouted, attempting to stand up and failing.

Isak felt Even freeze beside him, his whole body locking in place. Isak reached up to stroke a hand on Even’s face, trying to ease his fears but Even just moved away slightly; out of Isak’s space.

Even looked so fucking scared.

“Oh yeah?” Isak asked, turning back to his father. He grabbed onto Even’s hand, intertwining their fingers and he refused to let go even when Even tried to pull away again.

“Yes! Your fucking _boytoy_ just attacked me!” His father spat, finally able to pull himself up into a sitting position.

Is that all his father thought Even was to him? As if Even wasn’t the fucking sun in Isak’s life? As if Even hadn’t been there for Isak more than either of his parents ever were?

“He attacked you because you were trying to strangle me.” Isak said, venom in his voice now.

His father rolled his eyes. “Oh God. Here we go with your fucking dramatics again, Isak. I can’t play along anymore. It’s really just pathetic now.”

“ _I’m_ dramatic? Jesus Christ, Dad. You see me working here and you decide to come up to me when I’ve made it clear I don’t want to speak to you. Then you decide to grab me, push me against a wall, yell in my face and try and wrap your hands around my throat. Like what the fuck?” Isak summarized, as if someone else had done those things and his father hadn’t witnessed it; hadn’t _done_ it.

Even gripped Isak’s hand tighter at Isak’s words, clearly still affected by what he had witnessed Isak’s father do.

“But yes, by all means…” Isak chuckled darkly. “Call the police. I’ll tell them exactly what happened. _You_ attacked _me,_ and my _boyfriend_ – that’s right, _boyfriend_ – came and threw you off of me because he was worried about my safety. I’m sure it will make a nice report.”

His father stared up at them, breathing hard and looking furious. But then his face softened and he looked away, shaking his head.

“I just wanted to talk to you.” His father muttered, sounding like a fucking child.

“But I don’t want to talk to you and that’s my decision. You don’t get to put your hands on me just because you don’t like my decisions!” Isak snapped back, stunned by the force of his words. He was practically yelling again.

“Well, if you don’t talk to me how will you ever know how your mother is doing, huh? What about _her_? You don’t even know anything about what’s being going on.” His father implored, spitting out another mouthful of blood.

Isak sighed, looking up into the night sky and briefly glancing at the stars. This was fucking impossible. His father would never listen. He’d never understand. He’d never let Isak have the space to make up his own mind about things. He’d never stop judging Isak’s every move, and quite frankly Isak was out of breath. He didn’t have any more words for this man.

Isak could finally see how fucking toxic his father was. And he didn’t want to waste any more of his night speaking to him. Because it was like talking to a fucking brick wall.

“Let’s go, Even.” Isak whispered, looking back over to the one person who he knew would listen; who he knew was there for Isak because he cared.

To Isak’s surprise, when their eyes met, Even was smiling at Isak. It was a big, goofy grin and completely out of place considering their current situation and that fact that Isak’s face was covered in blood. But Even kept smiling and he looked…Isak didn’t know at first. But the word came to mind a moment later.

Even looked _proud._

Isak pulled Even away from where his father sitting and towards the bus like they had intended to do all along. They were both silent, ignoring Isak’s father’s curses and shouts. Isak didn’t think his father would actually call the police since Isak had pointed out that he had started it all. It wasn’t Even’s fault.

As they stood waiting for the bus, Even licked his thumb and wiped the blood off Isak’s face that had crusted over underneath Isak’s nose. Isak flinched away.

“Ew! Gross!”

Even laughed, continuing. “Dude, you’ve had my spit all over the rest of your body. This isn’t gross. And I don’t need people on the bus thinking I beat you up.”

Isak rolled his eyes. “Well, you kind of did.”

“Sorry. I was a little busy being completely distracted by your asshole father.”

Isak nodded and let Even finish wiping the blood away, touched by Even’s gesture; however disgusting and kind of unsanitary.

“So, my place as planned?” Even asked as the bus pulled up.

“Of course.”

They got onto the bus and sat down, Even’s arm around the back of Isak’s chair. Isak didn’t notice at first but Even was fidgety, his leg bouncing up and down as the bus puttered along, getting them closer and closer to their stop.

Isak realized after a while that Even looked nervous.

“You okay?” Isak asked, raising his eyebrows expectantly.

Even coughed, looking everywhere but at Isak. “You aren’t…”

“What?” Isak asked after Even took too long to finish his thought.

“You aren’t _mad_ or anything? At…me?”

Isak turned his body towards Even and touched his bruised hand gently, frowning slightly at the purple colour of the skin. It looked fucking painful.

“No, Even. Of course not. You saved me, like a fucking knight in shining armour.” Isak teased, kissing Even’s cheek. “I was scared. I didn’t know what he was going to do to me. I couldn’t push him off.”

“I saw red. I couldn’t even think properly. I don’t know what I would have done… _Shit._ Mikael probably thinks I killed him. I was talking to him just as I saw what your father was doing.”

Even took out his phone and Isak could see a bunch of messages.

“Better let him know you didn’t commit homicide.”

“Doing that. Sometimes I can’t believe Mikael is still my friend. I’ve probably given him sixteen heart attacks over the course of our friendship. He deserves a medal.”

Isak chuckled. “We’ll throw him a party. Or hey, what about a bake sale?”

**

“Isak?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you think you’ll ever go and see your mom?”

“I’ve been thinking about it.”

“And?”

“Would you come with me?”

“Of course.”

“Even if she’s still…not all there?”

“Yes, Isak. I’ll come with you.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Even?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Being you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Umm... so that happened.  
> I figured Isak's father would be aggressive since Isak took all his power away. I pictured him seeing Isak working at IKEA and just losing his mind since Isak told him he blocked his number, so this is why there was violence. 
> 
> Comments always welcome and appreciated :)


	26. Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am with another chapter because I finally have some time off and I'm able to write more, yay! :)

Mikael sat across the table from a cuddling Isak and Even and he couldn’t help but roll his eyes. Like, get a fucking room. They were cute and all but there were limits.

Even had invited Mikael out for coffee with him and his lover-boy and Mikael agreed because Isak was a nice guy. And even though Mikael had been close to calling the police and sending them over to Even’s house the other night when Even said he was going to _kill_ someone, Even was still Mikael’s best friend.

So here he was. Being tortured by gay, earth-shattering love.

Yuck.

“Why so glum chum?” Even asked, raising his eyebrows.

Those stupid fucking eyebrows.

“Ugh, nothing. Just sick of watching you two swap spit. But you know. Coffee here is good.” Mikael nodded, downing the rest of his espresso. Or cappuccino. Or…whatever the fuck Even had ordered him. He flinched as the last of the bitter liquid past his lips.

Isak laughed and pulled away from Even. _Finally._

“Sorry. Were we being too _gay_ for you?”

“I’m not a homophobe and you guys are hella cute, but like…can we talk about something else? And preferably with the two of you not attached at the lips?”

“Such a drama queen.” Even sighed, settling for his arm around Isak’s shoulders.

“ _I’m_ a drama queen? Did you miss the part where you beat up your boyfriend’s dad?”

Even scoffed.

Mikael sniggered, knowing he’d won. Onto a new subject.

“I’m failing biology. I don’t understand shit.”

Isak seemed to perk up at that. “Biology?”

“Here we go.” Even chuckled and Mikael was super confused.

“What?”

“I can tutor you. I’m good at biology.” Isak nodded, looking eager. Mikael realized quite suddenly why Even loved the guy so much.

“I mean…you’re a year younger though. And you have your own subjects to keep up in.”

“Nah, I’m fine. I don’t mind helping you out.” Isak continued, taking a huge bite of his cookie that Even had bought for him.

_A cookie for my cookie._

Fucking sap.

“Accept the offer, Mik. Isak is a genius so you’ll definitely pass.” Even stated, smiling.

“Okay. Thanks, Isak. I appreciate it.”

Isak flashed a huge grin, nodding. “No problem.”

The door to the coffee shop opened and Magnus, Mahdi and Jonas barrelled in, laughing about something obnoxiously. Mikael caught their eye and signalled them over, Magnus galloping clumsily like a horse.

“Hey! What’s up bros?” Magnus laughing, reaching his hand out to Isak and then Even and then Mikael.

“Coffee date.” Isak said.

“Mikael’s third wheeling it!” Mahdi laughing, reaching out for Mikael’s hand which he refused to take. He pouted instead.

“No handshake for you, bro.”

“I’m hurt.” Mahdi sighed, looking dejected.

“Anyways, I’m going to order some food.” Jonas chimed in, throwing his coat next to Isak and walking back to the front counter.

“Ditto.” Magnus said, turning on his heel. “I’m fucking starving.”

“Did you invite them too, babe?” Even asked, looking at Isak.

“Babe! Ugh. I’m gonna throw up.” Mikael couldn’t refrain from saying. “Between your fucking hair and Isak’s snapbacks and now pet names I may have already puked in my mouth.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“Yes, I did invite them. I thought we could all hangout.” Isak answered, reaching over to high-five Mikael.

Sweet. The boyfriend liked the best friend. Things were going to go well.

Mikael was a likeable guy after all. He knew it. The whole world should know it. Mikael was lost in the thought of a group of people cheering for him when Even reached over and gently smacked him in the face.

“What the fuck!”

“Do you want some more coffee? You fucking space cadet.” Even grinned.

“I was just imagining the ballads people will write about your love.” Mikael quipped. “And hell no to more coffee. I’m wired enough.”

“Fine. I’m getting more then.”

“You do that, handsome.” Mikael replied, waggling his eyebrows as Even stood up. He didn’t miss the way Isak looked at him, pure amusement in his features.

“And then there were two. The best out of them all I’d say.” Mahdi sighed, looking directly at Mikael.

Isak looked affronted. “I’m sitting here too!”

“You don’t count.”

“What!”

“I count you and Even as one. Evak. Therefore, since your other half is currently gone, it is only me and Mikael sitting here.”

Mikael burst out laughing. “I love you, Mahdi. You’re my favourite.”

“Damn straight.”

**

“Heard you punched Isak’s dad.” Jonas said, the words so casual that they didn’t sink in for a few seconds. Even looked at Jonas, not knowing what to say as they waited for their coffee and food.

Mikael, Isak and Mahdi were cracking up about something behind them; Isak’s laugh loudest of all.

“Right? That’s what Iss said.” Jonas continued.

“Oh, um. Yeah, I did. And kicked him.” Even decided to say.

Jonas looked pleased. “I’m glad someone did. Wish it could have been me. That fucker deserved it.”

Jonas offered him a high-five and Even chuckled, returning it.

“Yeah. He really did.”

Even couldn’t help but love Isak’s best friend. He knew Jonas really cared about Isak and that thought made Even happy. Maybe Isak wouldn’t ever be loved the way he should be by his parents, but his friends more than made up for it.

Even didn’t really remember a time when he’d been so happy.

**

Even sat with his hands in his lap the next day, Matilde waiting for him to begin patiently. Even didn’t have words for how much he appreciated this woman. She never rushed him, never forced him to say anything he didn’t want to. If this had been a session with his step-father, Dr. Henrick would have already been saying something along the lines of, “Come on, Even. You’re here to talk to me. Don’t waste _my_ time as well as your own.”

“I…got the keys to my apartment back from my parents.” Even said at last, holding Matilde’s gaze now.

She nodded slowly. “What happened?”

“I hadn’t spoken to them since my episode. Since everything that happened with Isak, and they didn’t like it. He didn’t like my transferring to you either.”

“That should have been done years ago, if I’m being honest with you. I wasn’t aware you were his patient or I would have intervened. I’ve already complained to the board about him.” Matilde said, the anger in her voice obvious.

Even gulped down a strange feeling that was brewing in his stomach; he couldn’t describe it.

“I hope you aren’t upset, but the way in which your father had conducted himself…it is very questionable. That is based entirely on the fact that he allowed himself to remain your therapist and refused to let you transfer. Nothing else you have said to me was mentioned. That is entirely confidential.” Matilde assured.

Even recognized the feeling now. He felt…loved. And of course he knew he was loved by his friends and Isak, but the kind of love he could feel from Matilde was different. It was almost parental, which was a weird feeling.

Being loved by someone who was like a parent was a bizarre feeling indeed.

“Thank you, Matilde.” Even whispered, feeling stupid for tearing up.

She smiled a knowing smile. “You’re welcome, honey. But anyways, back to your story. How are you feeling about it?”

“Good.” Even nodded. “I had this awesome sense of freedom after they left. They tried to make their anger about my episodes; how worried they were going to be if they couldn’t have a key. They always think they need to save me. But, they never have saved me. If that makes sense. Because it’s never about _me._ It’s about how I make things look, and they want to come to me during my episodes so they can undo whatever it is I’ve done. So nobody will hear about it. So there won’t be a scene.”

Matilde nodded. “You’ve mentioned that before.”

“Everything has to be _okay_ in my family. Everything has to go unsaid. Everything has to be covered up and concealed and shit I sound like Elsa from Frozen. _Conceal don’t feel_.” Even chuckled, the tune to Let it Go instantly playing in his head.

Stupid fucking movie needed to stop being a thing already. He didn’t need to see Elsa’s face on fucking toasters and bubble-gum wrappers, thanks very much.

“But that’s accurate. I’m not allowed to feel. I’m only allowed to have episodes and then grovel to my parents like it’s somehow my fault.”

“But you know your episodes are not your fault, right?” Matilde asked.

“Yes, I know. But…it always ends up feeling like I should be better.”

The words made Even feel small and he couldn’t help but think of Isak. He wanted to be good for him. He wanted Isak to never be scared of him, or living on eggshells waiting for Even to freak out and become manic. He didn’t want Isak to live in fear like he had with his own mother.

“I understand, Even. But…being better doesn’t mean you don’t have episodes. It just means that you allow the people you want into the reality of your world so you have a support system. Nobody should have to handle anything alone.”

“I don’t feel alone anymore.” Even said, and he had never meant anything more.

“I’m assuming you’re thinking about Isak?” Matilde asked, a small smile on her lips.

“Yeah.”

“You feel that he will not leave you even if you have an episode? Are you in a better place with him?”

Even nodded. “Yes. We talked a lot about what happened. I think he understands more now what is involved with my episodes and how my feelings don’t become invalid just because I’m manic. He knows how I feel about him. I just…I don’t want him to have to deal with it. I told you about his mother and what he went through with her. I don’t want him to suffer anymore, especially because of me.”

Matilde folded her hands together and nodded.

“I know, Even. I know you don’t want to hurt Isak. But you will likely have things come up in your relationship where someone gets hurt again. You can’t protect Isak from ever being hurt again. But you can work together through things, even if it’s hard. If you believe he will be there for you, then don’t doubt it. I wouldn’t dwell on whether or not he may get hurt during your episodes. He might, but that isn’t the point. The point is that he will stay with you through them and together you’ll come out of it all right. Are you following?”

Even considered it and then nodded. “Yes. We can be better _together.”_

“Exactly.”

Even leaned back in his chair and smiled at Matilde. “I think I’m going to marry him someday. Which sounds stupid because we’re in high school still, but…I have a feeling.”

Matilde laughed. “I hope that dream comes true one day.”

“Me too. Marrying the man of my dreams would be a nice life.”

**

**My baby <3333**

Isak: _Hey :)_

Even: _Hey yourself ;)_

Isak: _So I decided to go and see my mom this weekend. The nurse said she will have time free in the afternoon. Is that okay with you?_

Even: _Of course baby_

Isak: _Okay_

Even: _How are you feeling about it?_

Isak: _I don’t know. But I just keep feeling like I have to see her._

Even: _Okay. Just let me know if you need anything_

Isak: _You need friends who are better at biology. Mikael may be a hopeless cause_

Isak chuckled at his response to Even, looking up from his phone at Mikael who was reading a passage from a textbook about reproduction.

“Why do they have to call everything by a fancy name? Can’t they just say animals fuck and have babies, the end?” Mikael sighed, looking up at Isak helplessly.

“It has to sound _scientific.”_

Isak looked back down at his phone to see Even’s reply.

Even: _I’ve been saying he’s a hopeless cause for years :P_

Isak: _But I’m not giving up on him just yet. He’s pouting while reading about reproduction, which is kind of adorable. So he gets another chance_

Even: _Did you just call someone who isn’t me ADORABLE? :O_

Isak: _Jealous? ;)_

Even: _Um, yes! I thought we had something special here, Isak_

Isak: _Nope, just using you for sex remember?_

Even: _Oh right. I remember now. Okay, well have fun riding off into the sunset with Mikael!_

Isak: _Thanks! He’s adorable in the sunset glow :)_

Even: _STOP CALLING HIM ADORABLE_

Isak looked up from his phone, smirking, and saw Mikael still struggling to get through the passage. Isak sneakily snapchatted the older boy and sent it to Even with the caption ADORABLE PANDA CANNOT SCIENCE. WHERE IS BILL WHEN YOU NEED HIM.

Even: _Bill Nye the Science Guy is the man!_

Isak: _BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL_

Even: _Science rules!_

Isak: _I gotta get back to my adorable science-impaired lover. Goodbye random fuck buddy_

Even: _I’m truly saddened by your choice in men. I’m way better looking_

Isak: _Too tall_

Even: _You can climb me like a tree anytime baby ;)_

Isak: _< 3 <3 <3 <3 TTYL _

Even: _Love you <3 _

Isak put his phone down and looked at Mikael just in time to hear him shriek: “Okay, what the _fuck_ is a zygote??”

**

Isak was squeezing Even’s hand so tightly as they sat in the hospital that he was scared Even’s fingers were about to break off. But Even didn’t complain. He just held onto Isak, stroking his thumb across Isak’s palm.

The hospital smelled like hand sanitizer and the walls were too white. The nurses were kind of rude to them and Isak was being watched by a man wearing a satin robe in the corner, a playful smile on his lips. His eyes were too big.

Isak was sweating and he couldn’t stop fidgeting.

“Baby, breathe.” Even whispered, pulling Isak closer to him. “I’m right here.”

Isak let out a long breath and kept his eyes on the door where his mother was supposed to emerge at any second. He couldn’t imagine what she’d look like now. He only thought of how she’d looked the last time he saw her; months ago when her skin looked like it was falling off her bones and her eyes were red and glossy. When she smelled like booze and hadn’t showered and didn’t know his name most days and how she had clung to him like she would fall off the Earth if she let go.

The door opened and Isak jumped, moving slightly away from Even; not wanting their relationship to be insanely obvious yet.

The nurse who had greeted them came out first, flashing them a brief smile before Isak’s mother came into view behind her, walking straight towards Isak and Even with a confidence Isak didn’t know she possessed.

She was smiling and looked… _healthy._ She looked alive and her hair had grown and she was wearing some kind of lipstick that made her lips a beautiful shade of pink and she reached for Isak immediately, pulling him up and into her arms.

Isak let go of Even’s hand in order to wrap his arms around his mother, burying his face in her neck. She smelled like the lotion he’d grown up seeing her put on and Isak couldn’t help the sob that left his mouth or the tears that instantly sprung into his eyes.

_Mamma._

“My baby boy.” She said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Their reunion will be continued in the next chapter :) 
> 
> Comments always welcome and appreciated!


	27. Whenever You Decide

Even continued to sit as he watched Isak and his mother embrace. He felt Isak’s pain inside his own chest as his boyfriend sobbed lightly into his mother, his arms wrapped around her so tightly; as if he were afraid that she would disappear if he let go.

Isak’s mother held onto Isak as he cried, running a soothing hand down his back. Her eyes were closed and she looked pained by Isak crying as well. But she waited until Isak calmed down, not rushing him at all. Even could tell that Isak’s mother knew how much Isak needed to feel what he was feeling.

Isak pulled away moments later, sniffling. “Hi.” He said.

“Hello.” His mother answered, smiling. “I’ve missed you so much, Isak.”

“I…” Isak shuddered. “I missed you too.”

“Let’s take a walk. The grounds here are lovely.” Isak’s mother suggested, looking at Isak hopefully.

“Okay.”

Isak’s mother reached for Isak’s hand and they began walking away. Even didn’t know if he should follow or stay behind, and it didn’t appear that Isak had remembered his presence; which was understandable.

But suddenly Isak turned around and looked back at Even, shooting him an apologetic look. He steered his mother back towards Even and Even stood up.

“Mom, I want you to meet someone.” Isak said, and Even could tell he was nervous. “This…This is Even.”

“Hello.” Even said, smiling kindly.

Isak’s mother returned the smile and reached out to shake his hand. “Good to meet you, Even. I’m Marianne. Do you boys go to school together?”

“Ugh, no.” Isak whispered. “Even goes to Bakka.”

“I wish we went to the same school.” Even interjected, trying to ease the tension that Isak was undoubtedly feeling. Isak laughed shakily.

“Oh. How did you meet?”

“Mom, Even isn’t just my friend.” Isak said all in a rush. “He’s…he’s my boyfriend.”

Marianne looked at Isak, her face blank for a second. Isak licked his lips nervously and he unconsciously pulled a step back from his mother; clearly anticipating the worst.

“I know you believe in God…and everything…but I…I _love_ Even so much. And he’s been there for me through everything. And if you could only just get to know him I’m sure…” Isak stammered out. Even was just about to come to his side and pull him into his chest, but Marianne got there first.

She wrapped Isak in another hug and shushed him until he stopped speaking.

“My darling boy,” Marianne began. “Ever since you came into this world on July 21st 1999 at 21:21 I have _loved_ you. And I will love you for all eternity. Do you understand?”

Isak looked shocked. He looked utterly shocked. But as a single tear rolled down his cheek and Marianne pulled back, he nodded and he looked so fucking relieved. He looked so fucking happy. Even nearly cried as well.

“Yes.”

“Good.” Marianne said, turning towards Even now. She walked right up to him and pulled him into a hug as well, which Even eagerly returned. “I’m glad you were there for him, Even. I’m glad he had you.”

“We had each other.”

Marianne pulled back and cupped Even’s face, placing a single kiss on his cheek. “Come on, then. Let’s all take a walk together.”

Isak grabbed onto Even’s hand as his mother walked slightly ahead of them, leading the way outside. Isak whispered, “thank you” to Even and Even just smiled.

Isak didn’t have to thank him for anything.

**

Isak couldn’t stop looking at his mother. How beautiful she was in the afternoon sunlight. How healthy her skin was. Her hair was tied into a neat bun, a stark contrast to months earlier when her hair was hardly ever washed; a pile of knots on top of her head.

Her nails were done, painted a bright red colour. She’d always painted her nails when Isak was growing up. But the past few years she hadn’t bothered. She’d forgotten how to take care of herself.

But now…she was herself again.

She was _back._

Marianne talked for over an hour as the three of them strolled. She discussed her medications which steadied her moods. She talked about her withdrawal from alcohol, which had been a severe shock to her system at first. She’d been out of it for weeks apparently, and the doctors were assuming the worst. If she hadn’t come out of the state she’d been in it would have been like she’d have permanent dementia.

But she _had_ come out of it, and her body had only gotten stronger as she’d been in the hospital. She’d chosen to stay, she explained, even when she’d had the option to return home.

“Why?” Isak asked, not understanding. If she’d been cleared to come home, why hadn’t she taken the opportunity?

“I chose an inpatient rehab as opposed to coming back each week for a follow up. I wanted to be in a place where I felt it was most beneficial to me and my recovery.” Marianne replied.

“But, you will be coming home eventually?”

Marianne stopped walking and lead them over to a bench that was seated beside a river. It was still a chilly afternoon and Isak was beginning to lose feeling in his hands, but he sat down with his mother and Even. Sensing his near frost-bite state, Even reached for his hands and folded them into his own. Isak smiled at him.

“I won’t be coming home. Not in the way you think.” Marianne stated.

Isak frowned, confused.

“I’m leaving your father, Isak.”

Isak let the words process in his brain before he took in a huge breath, unsure of what to say next. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, Isak. I should have done it years ago. I should have done it for your sake. You never should have had to deal with that we…what _I_ put you through. My God, it kills me when I think of it, Isak.” Marianne whispered, tears bursting into her eyes.

Isak wanted to comfort her. He wanted to tell her that it was okay, that she didn’t have to apologize. But he said nothing. He couldn’t say that it was all right. He couldn’t say she had nothing to be sorry for. But that wasn’t what Isak wanted to focus on. He wanted to focus on moving forward _now._

“We have time now, Mamma. We have time now to make up for it. I’ll be here.”

“Oh, my sweet boy.” Marianne said, wiping her eyes. “I don’t deserve you, baby. I don’t deserve your kindness. I just wanted you to know that I am doing better, and that I’m sorry it didn’t happen until things got as worse as possible. I’m so sorry.”

“I know.” Isak whispered, rubbing his mother’s shoulder softly.

“Please tell me about yourself. I want to know. What have I missed?”

A tidal wave seemed to crash out of Isak’s mouth then. He told his mother everything he’d wanted to talk to her about for _years._ He told her about school and how high his grades were. He told her funny stories about the boys and Jonas and what happened with Eva and Jonas as well. He of course talked about Even and their relationship and how Even had helped him through his panic attacks. He talked about moving out and Eskild and Linn and the bake sale. He talked about the altercation with his father. He talked until he was breathless, until there were no more words; until his lips were practically blue.

His mother laughed and she teared up as he spoke, but she never interrupted. She asked some questions and made some comments like “Oh I always loved Jonas” or “Eskild seems like quite the roommate.” And at the end of Isak’s speech she grasped his hand and stood up, the three of them heading back to the hospital.

They sat in the cafeteria and drank hot chocolate and Isak felt… _whole._ He felt like parts of himself that had been missing had reappeared; like he could finally put that last piece of tape over his heart.

“This is my new cell number. Text me anytime if you want. I know the road for us is long but…it’s a start. Whenever you decide.” Marianne said, putting a piece of paper into Isak’s palm. “I love you, sweetheart.”

“You too, Mamma.” Isak replied, kissing her cheek. “We’ll talk soon.”

“Goodbye, Even. It was lovely meeting you.”

“Goodbye, Marianne.”

Isak and Even walked hand in hand out of the hospital and towards the bus stop. Isak didn’t say anything and neither did Even. Isak just let himself be pulled into a hug and he clung onto Even’s jacket, taking in a deep breath. They stood for a while in the silence before Even broke it, his next words soft.

“I’m so proud of you, baby.”

“Shut up.”

“No, Isak. You don’t know the kind of courage that took. I’m so fucking _proud_ of you.”

Isak smiled to himself and kissed Even’s neck.

**

Isak had to work that night so he headed to do his shift and Even went over to Mikael’s place. Isak was busy so he didn’t have much time to check his phone, but when he _finally_ got on break he saw that he had sixty million Facebook chat messages.

He rolled his eyes with fondness.

**The Nissen Boy Squad <33333333**

Magnus: _How did it go today Issy??_

Jonas: _Yeah, how was it? How is your mom??!_

Madi: _Cool it with the exclamation marks my dudes_

Magnus: _NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

Mahdi: _I can’t believe I’m friends with your dumb asses_

Jonas: _You love us_

Mahdi: _Nope_

Magnus: _Well, I love us <3_

Even: _I love us too <3_

Mikael: _HEY GUYS WHAT’S UP_

Magnus: _Mikael! My man, what’s up??_

Mahdi: _Chilling with Even at my house. Ordered pizza_

Jonas: _Without pineapple I fucking hope_

Even: _Pineapple belongs on pizza I’ll have you know_

Jonas: _Ick_

Magnus: _Also ick_

Mahdi: _Triple ick_

Even: _Isak would let me get pineapple on our pizza ;)_

Magnus: _That’s because he sucks your dick_

Mahdi: …

Jonas: _JFC Magnus_

Magnus: :D

Mikael: _HAHAHAHA_

Even: Well…:P

Magnus: _There needs to be a dick sucking emoji ammirite??_

Mahdi: _NO_

Jonas: _NO_

Mikael: _YAAASSS_

Isak began typing his reply, shaking his head and trying not to laugh in the middle of the rather crowded staff room.

Isak: _Okay first of all, why is this group chat’s name ALWAYS changing? Secondly, it went really great today seeing my mom. She is really getting better :) And thirdly, Magnus STFU_

Magnus: _I thought of a dick sucking emoji kind of!_

Jonas: _OMFG Magnus_

Magnus: :::::::D  O:

Isak: _Seriously…_

Even: _HAHAHAHA_

Mikael: _I’m glad Even added me. You guys are fucking awesome_

Magnus: _I know right!_

Isak: _I’m going back to work now!_

Jonas: _I’m really glad it went well Issy! Proud of you :P_

Even: _THAT’S WHAT I SAID! <3_

Isak: <3

Magnus: _Daww look at all the love_

Mahdi: _Magnus I will punch you_

Isak turned his phone off and went back out on the floor, not entirely ready to sort out blankets and lamp shades. But he would survive. There were worse things to be put through.

**

**Even <3 **

Even: _Come over after work? I’m home from Mikael’s now._

Isak: _Okay :P But I have to study for my test on Monday_

Even: _I’ll help you study ;)_

Isak: _You can’t look at me for at least an hour_

Even: _But what if I physically can’t take my eyes off you?_

Isak: _Then have restraint and not touch me?_

Even: _But I wanna touch you really bad baby_

Isak: _Even…_

Even: _And if you’re going to be right beside me…all fuckable…how could I not touch…or put my hands on you…or lick you…_

Isak: _Don’t make me hard at work_

Even: _I thought your shift was done?_

Isak: _I still have to take the bus!!_

Even: _But if you’re hard all the way to my house, it will make you all desperate for when you finally get here. I love it when you’re underneath me and desperate…_

Isak: _You’re the worst. Now I have a boner :(_

Even: _Heh. See you soon baby <3_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit shorter, but Isak going over to Even's house shall be continued in the next chapter.  
> This story is probably only going to have another one or two chapters. That is my plan as of now <3 
> 
> Comments always welcome and appreciated! :)


	28. A Full Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up for some changing POV's and time jumps :)

Even didn’t really know how to process the hurricane that was Isak when he showed up at Even’s apartment. He barely had time to breathe before Isak was on him, kissing him and pulling his hair and yanking him by his shirt into his bedroom.

Even didn’t expect Isak to push him to the floor either, and then strip him of his clothes in less than ten seconds or how he walked over and grabbed the lube from the spot where Even always kept it.

“Isak…”

“Stay lying down. On your back.”

The words were an order and Even was happy to obey. Isak stripped his own clothes quickly and then straddled Even on the floor, thrusting against him; lining up their cocks. And holy sweet fucking _yes._

“You…are awful.” Isak panted wetly, shoving his tongue into Even’s mouth. “That was the _worst_ bus ride ever.”

Even brought his hands up to Isak’s ass and pulled, creating more friction; bringing their bodies even closer. He groaned. “Looks like you survived.”

“Fuck you.”

“Yes please.”

And Isak did. He slicked himself up, _opened_ himself up, and slid down onto Even’s cock; making Even’s vision a tad black for a moment. He squeezed Isak’s hips, trying to get him to go easy. This angle wasn’t exactly familiar territory. But Isak was too worked up, too eager, and he pushed Even’s hands away.

“Let me.”

Even nodded, trusting that Isak knew how much he could take. When Isak was fully seated – _heh -_  Even waited, not moving. He wanted to move; thrust up into the slick heat, but Isak was breathing through the first breech and he didn’t want to rush.

Isak moved his hips tentatively a second later, hands on Even’s chest for leverage. What he felt must have been good because his back arched and he moaned loudly.

“Great…position. _Fuck.”_ Isak said, still panting.

Even didn’t hold back after that. He bent his knees and pushed up, getting as deep as possible, wanting it all. Isak nearly screamed at that.

It was over quickly but Even was almost grateful for the release. The experience of it, the supernova that was his boy determined to get what he wanted, was quite possibly going to kill Even; burst his lungs inside his chest.

Isak rested on top of him, catching his breath and smirking. The _fucker._

“I should rile you up more often.”

**

Isak took initiative all the time now and Even didn’t just mean with sex. Isak called his mother a lot. He offered to take shifts a lot for people who were sick. He organized a study group with some other people at Bakka because Mikael wasn’t the only one struggling with his work.

Isak was…incredible. Even didn’t know a better word.

The weeks past and Isak looked happier every time Even saw him. He walked differently. He was so at ease with himself, with Even, with his friends and Mikael and Eskild. The girls. He saw Eva a lot too and talked about how much he’d missed her friendship. He talked about what happened with her and Jonas some time ago and Even could see Isak wasn’t the same person.

He’d come so fucking far. Even hadn’t been in Isak’s life terribly long, but he could see how much Isak had grown, had learned and thrived.

Kind of like a house plant that had been dying but was repotted and given some fertilizer. And that was a dumb comparison, but _still._

Even fucking loved Isak.

**

Even was surprised when he heard from Sonja – who he hadn’t spoken to since his episode. He read her message several times before he thought of a reply.

Sonja: _Hey. How have you been? I hope you haven’t been avoiding me since I last saw you. I didn’t mean to cause drama with you and Isak. I was trying to explain your episodes to him after I calmed down, but he was convinced your feelings weren’t real for him. I hope you two worked it out and if you didn’t because of something I did I’m very sorry. I still care dearly for you, Even. I’m here as your friend always. Hope to speak soon. xo_

Even: _Hi Sonja. I haven’t been avoiding you. Things just hadn’t been really great until recently. I’m together with Isak and we’ve worked through things. I understand what happened now. Isak explained. We’re good, okay? I know you’re my friend and you care. Coffee soon? xo_

Her reply was instant and it made him smile.

Sonja: _Okay. You pick a day, blue eyes :P_

That was her nickname for him during their entire relationship. It wasn’t really weird that she still called him that now. It didn’t mean anything anymore since he didn’t feel anything for her beyond friendship.

He was happy to still have her around.

**

“I don’t want you to fret about it, Isak.”

Isak had done nothing but fret over his mother and his parents’ situation his entire life. It wasn’t exactly easy to not worry.

“Mamma, I can go over and speak to him. I can tell him it’s not fair of him to be doing this.” The thought of seeing his father made anxiety creep across his chest but Isak would do it if it meant his mother could go and collect her things from the house.

His father wasn’t allowed to refuse that. His mother and father owned the house together. It wasn’t his alone.

“No, honey. I don’t want you getting involved. I’ve hired a lawyer and he’s helping me with my rights. I just called to see if you still had anything at the house you needed.”

Isak sighed. “No. I got it all when I moved. And Even bought me some new stuff.”

“Such a nice boy.” Marianne said and Isak could practically hear the smile in her voice.

“I know.”

“Get back to your work, sweetheart. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

Isak sat down on the edge of his bed and smiled. It was so… _lovely_ to have a normal conversation with his mother. She sounded like the mother he’d always imagined she could be and now that he had it, he was going to cherish it. Isak knew she may not always be in a great state, but he appreciated it now while it was here.

“Okay, Mamma. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight. I love you, Isak.”

“Me too. Bye.”

Isak put his phone down on his bed and looked over to the homework he was trying to finish. He knew it would get done because despite everything else in his life that had happened Isak was a great student.

But he’d worked tonight and it was approaching 23:00 and Isak’s bed was looking really tempting. He was kind of exhausted.

His phone vibrated and he picked it back up.

Mikael: _Bro I got a 6 on my last test! You fucking rule!_

Isak: _I’m proud of you!_

Mikael: _Thanks. :P_

Isak was happy his lessons were working. Some of the other boys in the group had told him their marks had been improving as well. Maybe Isak should consider being a teacher. Or charge money for being a tutor. That might be a brilliant idea.

He would consider it tomorrow when he had more brain cells to plan with. He climbed into bed fully clothed and turned off the light, passing out instantly.

Isak slept really well these days.

**

Eva was hosting a party again. She invited Isak and Isak went, bringing Even and Eskild along as well. Isak didn’t drink that much and Even just stuck with cola, so they stood in a corner and laughed at how drunk everyone else was.

It was kind of refreshing to be at a party and actually be there to talk to people. Not just to be completely hammered and not know what was going on.

Isak pressed light kisses along Even’s neck and clung to him all night, unable to stop himself. Even was his to kiss and hug and touch and Isak was fully taking advantage of that.

“Are you trying to seduce me?” Even asked.

Isak batted his eyelashes innocently. “No. I’m just touching you.”

“Seductively.”

“Shhh.” Isak whispered, sucking a purple hickey just under Even’s ear.

“Okay, upstairs. Now.”

**

Isak’s therapy sessions had been reduced to once a week with Matilde, but he still called her sometimes when he felt anxious. Like the night his mother didn’t pick up her phone when he called and a nurse informed him later as he’d called the hospital that she’d been out with a group for their exercise night. Isak hadn’t been able to breathe because he didn’t know what could have happened. Maybe she wasn’t herself. Maybe she tried to harm someone. All the possibilities raced through his mind and he couldn’t let go. Even though she was perfectly fine and she’d called him back to explain, his heart wouldn’t stop racing.

“I think it’s natural that you’re feeling this way, Isak. Now that your mother is back in your life, you’re going to have some concerns for her well-being. But you must remember that if anything happened to her, she is in a place where many people can help. You have to try and tell yourself that when your mind is spiraling.”

Isak worked on it a lot. He tried to steer is thoughts back on track, back to reality, back to what made proper sense. It didn’t always work, but it was getting easier. Every time he tried, it got a bit easier to let go.

**

Isak was named employee of the month a few months later, near the end of the school year, and Even threw him a party. Which was dumb because it meant nothing. He was an IKEA employee of the month, who cared?

But Even got a cake and balloons and decorated – with Eskild’s help – Isak’s apartment and invited everyone they knew. Isak came home to everyone shouting “surprise!” and clapping like he was some kind of hero.

“Guys, this is too much!”

“My baby is employee of the month! A party needed to be had!”

“Congrats, Isak. Your guru is proud of you.” Eskild said, kissing Isak’s cheek.

Magnus, Jonas and Mahdi basically jumped on him, knocking him to the ground as they tickled him. He tried to push them away as he laughed through his tears.

“I was supposed to get employee of the month, you douche. I’ve been there longer!” Jonas exclaimed, helping Isak to his feet.

“It’s easier to charm people in the bedroom department. Selling candle holders is more romantic than trying to sell toilets.”

“You _ass.”_

**

**Summer**

It was a hot day in July. A normal, sunny, sweaty day and Isak wanted nothing more than a cold shower and a long drink of ice water. He’d worked a nine hour shift and he was fucking exhausted.

Even had stayed at Isak’s apartment all day, working on a sketch that he’d just had to finish when Isak left for work this morning. Nobody minded that Even basically lived at Isak’s place most of the time, so Isak didn’t think anything of it as he kissed Even goodbye.

Isak figured Even deserved a little down time now that he had graduated.

So when Isak got home he walked straight to his room, expecting Even to be poured over his same drawing, still dressed in his pajamas.

He didn’t expect to walk in to his room and see candles lit on practically every surface, or to a gigantic sketch – the one Even had been working on – hanging above his bed. The sketch that was of Isak and Even holding hands, walking down a road towards what looked like Even’s house.

It was the best drawing Even had ever done.

Even was standing beside the bed with an expectant look on his face. Isak’s eyebrows flew up and he sputtered, not knowing what this was all about.

“Hey baby.” Even said, walking over and kissing Isak’s cheek.

Even was dressed up and he smelled good and he looked…nervous.

“Even, what…”

“I want to ask you a question. I’ve been wanting to ask you a question for a while now, but today just seemed like the perfect day.”

Oh God. Was Even going to _propose?_

Isak was only seventeen. Almost eighteen, but like…he wasn’t ready for that yet. Not right at this moment. It was too soon. Too much, and…

“It’s not marriage, don’t worry.” Even rushed to explain, obviously seeing Isak’s shocked face.

“Oh my God you scared me.”

Even burst out laughing. “I know we’ve been fast, but let’s not go _that fast.”_

“What’s your question then?” Isak asked, holding Even’s hands and glancing back at the sketch. “Did you work on that all day?”

“Yes.”

“It’s amazing.”

“I want us to be like we are in the picture, Isak.” Even whispered.

Isak was confused.

“We _are_ holding hands. Like right at this moment.”

“No. I want us to…live together. I want you to move in with me.” Even explained, bringing Isak’s right hand up and kissing it.

Isak gaped for a full ten seconds before he moved his mouth to reply. “Really?”

“ _Yes._ I want to wake up with you every morning. I want us to have dinner every night and I want to kiss you goodnight and eat breakfast with you. Maybe we can get a dog or some kind of pet. I just want our own space. I want…us.”

Isak, although still really sweaty from work and walking home, threw his arms around Even’s shoulders and pulled him into a kiss.

“Yes. I’ll move in with you. A thousand times yes.”

Isak had never seen Even smile so much.

**

“I don’t want to find a new roommate! Ugh! You two and your goddamn cute as fuck love. Where is _my_ Even, Isak? Tell me! Why can’t I have a love like yours?” Eskild yelled.

Isak patted him on his back and put on a Britney Spears song.

**

**IT’S SUMMAH TIME BITCHES <333333**

Isak: _Will you guys help us move?_

Magnus: _EVAK ARE MOVING IN TOGETHER AND LIFE IS GREAT :D_

Isak: _I will take that as a yes?_

Magnus: _Hell to the yes!!_

Mahdi: _Bribe me with pizza and I’ll consider it_

Even: _I will buy you all the pizza you want Mahdi if you lend us your strong arms :)_

Mahdi: _Done_

Jonas: _Count me in as well!_

Mikael: _I’m definitely coming!_

Even: _Thanks guys <3 _

Isak: _THANK YOU_

Isak: _Whoops. Caps lock_

Magnus: _ALL CAPS MEANS YOU LOVE US LONG TIME_

Isak; _Okay, Magnus. I LOVE YOU ALL LONG TIME_

Magnus: _YAAASSSS <3 <3 _

**

“Blue?”

“Green.”

“I like blue!”

“I don’t want to paint our bedroom blue. It will feel like we’re sleeping in the ocean.”

“Wouldn’t green be like sleeping in a forest?” Isak sighed, exasperated.

“No. It would be like sleeping in your eyes.” Even said, looking dreamy.

“You’re a dope.”

“A dope who loves your eyes.”

“Well, I love _your_ eyes so I guess our room will be blue.”

“I’m going to paint it magenta if you don’t fucking decide.” Magnus mumbled from behind them, putting a paint brush into their cart.

In the end they decided to paint two walls blue and two walls green.

**

“I’m nervous.” Isak admitted.

“It’s just a house-warming party.”

“It’s _our_ house people are going to be warming.”

“So?”

“I should have bought more cheese and crackers. This isn’t enough!”

“Isak, there are four cheese and cracker platters. It’s fine.”

“My mom loves cheese though.”

The doorbell rang and Isak rushed to answer it, straightening his shirt. He opened the door and saw his mother standing there, dressed in a blue sundress and white hat. She gave Isak a huge smile and then a hug. Standing behind her was a nurse from the hospital, one Isak had come to know well.

“Glad you could make it, Mamma.”

“Me too, sweetie. Glenda says we can only stay an hour though before she has to get back to saving the munchkins. You understand.”

Isak looked back at the nurse who was _not_ named Glenda and she gave Isak a knowing look. Marianne had been having a lot more hallucinations lately – ones that seemed to center around The Wizard of Oz - but she was usually still calm and generally knew what was going on for the most part. She’d had to stay in treatment longer than expected, but Isak was assured that these things happened sometimes. It didn’t mean Marianne wasn’t and couldn’t make progress.

“Of course, Mamma. Want some cheese?”

“I love cheese!”

**

Even went manic in August. He didn’t sleep for six nights. Isak didn’t let him out of his sight and when he needed to sleep he called Mikael. They watched Even in shifts, never hovering but just watching to make sure he didn’t try anything reckless. It came to a head when Even tried to make fifty scrambled eggs all at the same time and realized he didn’t have enough pans or oven space.

“Why aren’t there more burners? _Why_ do we only have one stove, Isak? Why?”

Even was yelling and he never yelled at Isak. Never.

Isak let Even destroy their kitchen. He broke all the plates they had bought together weeks earlier. He watched as Even threw cutlery into the painting they had also picked out together and then empty the contents of the fridge onto the floor, stomping on the produce and dousing himself with the milk.

He was laughing like it was all hilarious. Isak intervened when Even tried to walk over the shattered pieces of their plates.

Isak held Even for the five days he spent in bed sleeping. He made Even drink water and take his meds again and eat some soup. He held him when Even tried to leave, tried to walk out of Isak’s life. He held him when he said some horrible things about himself; that he was crazy and dangerous and Isak deserved better.

Isak held him and called into work and didn’t give up.

**

On day nine, Even got up and showered on his own. He made breakfast and brought it to Isak in bed, watching as Isak blearily woke up and smiled at him.

“I’m sorry.” Even whispered.

“Don’t.”

“I am.”

“I know. But we’re okay, Even. I’m here.”

“I love you.”

“I know.”

They ate breakfast together and Even let Isak touch him, let him reach down and feel him where he’d felt dead for the last two weeks. He held onto Isak’s strong shoulders and rocked with him until they both found their release.

**

**Christmas**

Isak offered to host a Christmas party for his friends because his and Even’s apartment had become _the place_ to hang out. So it just felt natural.

The girls were making tree decorations. The guys were talking in the kitchen. Isak watched in amusement as Even was helping Eskild put up the mistletoe, shooting Isak knowing glances.

Isak’s heart was so full.

“So, is he?” Eva asked, nudging Isak with her shoulder.

“What?” Isak asked, missing her question. He managed to tear his eyes away from Even long enough to look at her.

“Even.” She said, smiling. “Is he the man of your dreams?”

Isak didn’t hesitate before he replied, “Yeah. I think he is.”    

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU <3  
> Words cannot express how grateful I am for every one of you readers. Your comments and support throughout this whole fic have been phenomenal. I have enjoyed writing this story so much and I hope you enjoyed reading it. 
> 
> As always, comments welcome and appreciated! :) <3

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi  
> [here](http://photographer-of-thoughts.tumblr.com/)  
> <3


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